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Man hanging out with boy, is this unreasonable?

FuzzX

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What would cause this to occur? Have a friend (40's) that is hanging out with a young boy (13) and has been doing so for a number of years. All of his friends hate this type of behavior, I have to admit, myself included. I stopped talking to him for about a year because I felt it was creepy as hell. He's the guy from a separate thread, trying not to connect them if he ever finds his way here... unlikely I suppose but anyway. Dude has a crap job, no education, no money, no woman, no skills, no motivation to change and yet he takes this child out all the time. The kid is rude asf btw but here's the rub, the kid's father is still in the picture and doesn't like my friend hanging around his kid (obviously). The father has expressed this a few times. My friend hangs out once a week with this child and expresses it like he has ownership of the kid, as if he were the father in a divorce. Although their relationship is not one of parent/child... its more of 'two friends'. The 'relationship' came about when my friend was supposed to go on a date with this woman and instead was put in charge of her child instead (single mom), no idea how this happened. He has expressed interest in babysitting other children as well, even babies... this does not sit right with me. You can imagine what I'm thinking. My wife thinks it's disgusting and would never allow this if we had children, neither would I for that matter and my wife does not want him coming around the house. Are we being un-reasonable?

I know how this all sounds... and I don't know why the authorities haven't been contacted on behalf of either of the two parents. He often poses the argument "But you hung around little kids" My answer to that was: Cause I was getting PAID.... ALOT of money. When a grown man wants to hang around children (that aren't his) for free, I question the motives. You have to pay kids teachers a lot more money than adult teachers simply because of the headaches involved. Teaching kids is extremely draining for most adult males. We used to see these weird dudes in ESL sometimes though. When an ESLer says he LOVES kids, he's either lying or weird. No one LOVES children that aren't theirs... you can like them but in a professional sense (you are the teacher/coach/sensei) but if you want to hang around them outside of work time unless there's ($$$ somewhere) or the parents are interested in their child learning a skillset you offer, it comes across as disturbing. I loved my teaching job, not so much the kids. I like qualities about children and media made for them but I have no desire to spend time interfering in their personal lives, that is the job of the parent. When I discipline a kid, the parents must be included in the process... and I promptly contact mum and dad when I see bad behaviors emerging. Besides this fellow is not a teacher and has nothing positive as a role model to pass on.

Anyone who has had to take care of kids knows what the hell I'm talking about. As a kids teacher, yeah I like kids but I don't think I would devote any time to hanging out with them beyond the profession. That said, I see a separate issue here. I am alerted when I see men who are not successful with women, spending time with children. I don't want to steer this in a political direction so I'll end it here.

What is your opinion on this.
 

Plinco

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This is just a guess, but it sounds like pedo behavior to me. I would get in contact with authorities for the purpose of investigation. They also have more experience in handling these situations.
 

Suave88

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What would cause this to occur? Have a friend (40's) that is hanging out with a young boy (13) and has been doing so for a number of years. All of his friends hate this type of behavior, I have to admit, myself included. I stopped talking to him for about a year because I felt it was creepy as hell. He's the guy from a separate thread, trying not to connect them if he ever finds his way here... unlikely I suppose but anyway. Dude has a crap job, no education, no money, no woman, no skills, no motivation to change and yet he takes this child out all the time. The kid is rude asf btw but here's the rub, the kid's father is still in the picture and doesn't like my friend hanging around his kid (obviously). The father has expressed this a few times. My friend hangs out once a week with this child and expresses it like he has ownership of the kid, as if he were the father in a divorce. Although their relationship is not one of parent/child... its more of 'two friends'. The 'relationship' came about when my friend was supposed to go on a date with this woman and instead was put in charge of her child instead (single mom), no idea how this happened. He has expressed interest in babysitting other children as well, even babies... this does not sit right with me. You can imagine what I'm thinking. My wife thinks it's disgusting and would never allow this if we had children, neither would I for that matter and my wife does not want him coming around the house. Are we being un-reasonable?

I know how this all sounds... and I don't know why the authorities haven't been contacted on behalf of either of the two parents. He often poses the argument "But you hung around little kids" My answer to that was: Cause I was getting PAID.... ALOT of money. When a grown man wants to hang around children (that aren't his) for free, I question the motives. You have to pay kids teachers a lot more money than adult teachers simply because of the headaches involved. Teaching kids is extremely draining for most adult males. We used to see these weird dudes in ESL sometimes though. When an ESLer says he LOVES kids, he's either lying or weird. No one LOVES children that aren't theirs... you can like them but in a professional sense (you are the teacher/coach/sensei) but if you want to hang around them outside of work time unless there's ($$$ somewhere) or the parents are interested in their child learning a skillset you offer, it comes across as disturbing. I loved my teaching job, not so much the kids. I like qualities about children and media made for them but I have no desire to spend time interfering in their personal lives, that is the job of the parent. When I discipline a kid, the parents must be included in the process... and I promptly contact mum and dad when I see bad behaviors emerging. Besides this fellow is not a teacher and has nothing positive as a role model to pass on.

Anyone who has had to take care of kids knows what the hell I'm talking about. As a kids teacher, yeah I like kids but I don't think I would devote any time to hanging out with them beyond the profession. That said, I see a separate issue here. I am alerted when I see men who are not successful with women, spending time with children. I don't want to steer this in a political direction so I'll end it here.

What is your opinion on this.
I didn't have a father while growing up, and the only Male figure who was around was my grandfather. I did not hang out with any older man unless he was the father of one of my friends and we were going somewhere together. However, I was not alone with any grown man unless there were other kids. So, yes it sound creepy and I am wondering why the kid's family has not done anything. So yes, I say it is Pedo or on its way to be.
Does the boy behaves in a manner that seems to be homosexual? Can you ask him? If you do try to record his voice in case he makes an statement.
 

FuzzX

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After working through this in my head, I've decided that this friendship is not one worth having... I probably shouldn't be hanging around people I feel sorry for anyway. That makes up most of Canada though. I've had to do this once before with a friend who had anger issues, and I felt bad at the time but the other person was adding very little to my life. I thought I could help that person too but it didn't pan out in the long run. I have to say there are a lot of people out there that will just plow head first into trouble. Perhaps I have a personality disorder, I'm always trying to help liberate people with job opportunities and life experience which has worked out for me. I had a similar experience when I was a bit younger in my twenties, some other teachers and law enforcement people who I thought of as mentors, helped me tremendously and set me along the right path. I think my life would have ended prematurely had I not followed and acted on their advice. SS certainly helped in that regard and even though most of you just consist of letters on a page, the information has been meaningful and helped me considerably to understand interactions, motives and relationship dynamics.

All that said, I don't see a net positive outcome through this particular network and I don't think there's anything I can do to turn this around except to be very blunt with this character and tell him exactly what I think. If that doesn't have an effect, he's out. Breaking up with male friends is certainly harder than breaking up with girlfriends.
 
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Machine10033

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It’s weird... he’s either a pedo or has a deep rooted psychological issue. When I was in Highschool working at a golf course the owner would use me as a babysitter... I would be on the course weed wacking or raking bunkers while he has his 10 year old boy shadow me... while the owner was plowing the female bartender... I hated being around the kid... i think that’s normal behavior for a male.... a kid that’s not your spawn is usually a pain in the rear !
 

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BeExcellent

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Concur it’s very odd. Perhaps inappropriately so. Can you speak to the kids dad? Especially if you are going to jettison your strange friend anyway?
 

2Rocky

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As a child I always hung out around adults, usually because I was with my dad. I was involved in a sport my dad didn't have any skill in so I often went to events with adults when I was 16 . No big deal..

But when i went off to college I did run into one older gentleman who lost no time in inviting me to his HotTub and I felt something was OFF.... It was somewhat of a joke among the guys in the house although no one said anything overtly you know you didn't go to Maurices house.
 
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FuzzX

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Concur it’s very odd. Perhaps inappropriately so. Can you speak to the kids dad? Especially if you are going to jettison your strange friend anyway?
I don't know them, he is a friend of a friend. It was their circle where the fight broke out a year and a half ago and it came out during that conversation. I was there and heard it... quite astonished because I assumed the father was some dead beat assh01e. When I found out that the father was seeing his son quite a bit and that he didn't approve, that's when I started to wonder wtf was going on. I think the problem originates with the mother and I don't know anything about her. I really don't understand the situation, their might be several factors I'm not privy to, however, it would be against my best interest to have him and the child around at any time in the future. I'll tell him to leave the kids alone, hanging out together without the kid is fine but I don't want to see the child again both for my safety and his, beyond it being simply inappropriate and weird. If I was that Dad, well... suffice to say, I wouldn't allow this to happen, by force or otherwise...

My colleague and I were discussing a intervention of sorts. We'll see how things go. Thanks 2Rocky, I'm not ignorant of the situation but I agree it does sound odd. I don't want to jump to conclusions... I already feel like a Karen. I'm really not part of that friend circle very often, these were more some observations... I think because of my job, it is in my nature to investigate. I'll be bringing it up shortly though, this can't continue, at least not with me. Even if this is purely innocent and there is absolutely nothing going on, its not in his best interests to continue with this, so before I ghost him, I'll make it clear.

I'll post my results here before the thread is closed.
 
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Kotaix

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This sounds the case of Jeff Doucet who ended up abducting the boy he was hanging out with, and then got blown away by the dad.

 

FuzzX

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Hmmm, I'll look into it. Just for my own piece of mind, if nothing else. I would've done something similar.
 
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FuzzX

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Well things have been set in motion now, we'll see how this pans out. Someone is going to speak with the father about it. Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks this is off. I don't think we will be friends at the end of it but at least I'll be able to sleep at night.
 

FuzzX

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Does the grown up guy, who is the supposely PEDO, has any female companion??????
No, and that's what bothered me initially. I had set him all up to meet girls and he sort of rejected the help. He's not active as far as dating and that's a red flag. Most men (even the ones I don't get along with here) are actively trying to pursue women, this is normal. If he was trying to convince the mother to date him or something, that would be one thing, I could understand if he was a desperate beta but this isn't that. Who would willingly take care of a kid for free and devote a few days a week other than a Big Brother? That would be a sanctioned organization where the guys have to go through extensive background checks... but even then. I'm going to have a sit down with the guy soon and tell him exactly what I and many others are thinking. He may stop speaking to me forever, which is fine but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt before I jump to any conclusions.

I had someone contact the father. I can't really intervene much more than that. Not sure how this is going to go but to be honest its not a relationship that I would approve of if it were my child. Infact if I said no and the guy persisted, he'd be getting my child to push him around in a wheelchair. I have no idea if the guy is a pedo but even if there is nothing going on, its not a good look for him and disrespectful to the father. If he says something around the kid and the kid then goes and repeats that to someone else, he could find himself in cuffs real quick. It's just a dumb idea all around and unhealthy imo. It doesn't matter what he thinks, the child should be hanging out with people his own age.
 
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Suave88

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No, and that's what bothered me initially. I had set him all up to meet girls and he sort of rejected the help. He's not active as far as dating and that's a red flag. Most men (even the ones I don't get along with here) are actively trying to pursue women, this is normal. If he was trying to convince the mother to date him or something, that would be one thing, I could understand if he was a desperate beta but this isn't that. Who would willingly take care of a kid for free and devote a few days a week other than a Big Brother? That would be a sanctioned organization where the guys have to go through extensive background checks... but even then. I'm going to have a sit down with the guy soon and tell him exactly what I and many others are thinking. He may stop speaking to me forever, which is fine but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt before I jump to any conclusions.

I had someone contact the father. I can't really intervene much more than that. Not sure how this is going to go but to be honest its not a relationship that I would approve of if it were my child. Infact if I said no and the guy persisted, he'd be getting my child to push him around in a wheelchair. I have no idea if the guy is a pedo but even if there is nothing going on, its not a good look for him and disrespectful to the father. If he says something around the kid and the kid then goes and repeats that to someone else, he could find himself in cuffs real quick. It's just a dumb idea all around and unhealthy imo. It doesn't matter what he thinks, the child should be hanging out with people his own age.
What is the age gap between them two? Are you in the U.S.? Record your conversation with him if you live in one party consent conversation in the U.S. you can use your phone for this.
I never hanged up with some dude like this and my mother kept a real tight grip on me and my sister. I do remember some1 who took me out o play baseball, but he was one of the many who trying to get in my divorced mother's pants. I only went out a couple of times to learn how to play baseball.
 

FuzzX

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What is the age gap between them two? Are you in the U.S.? Record your conversation with him if you live in one party consent conversation in the U.S. you can use your phone for this.
I never hanged up with some dude like this and my mother kept a real tight grip on me and my sister. I do remember some1 who took me out o play baseball, but he was one of the many who trying to get in my divorced mother's pants. I only went out a couple of times to learn how to play baseball.
I'm not no, its different here, unfortunately. I already work with law enforcement guys but if you talk to the wrong one he/she can fly off the handle and do something irrational. I don't know if this guy is doing something wrong or if he's just stupid as hell, I'm going with the latter. A few friends and I are going to have a word with him shortly. This is hard to do because this has been going on awhile without many issues from either of the parents. I could be seeing something that isn't there. Although I said I would ghost him before, I don't think that's the right course of action and I don't like spying unless I'm getting paid. Besides where I work, makes this a little more difficult. I don't need anybody jumping the gun. I suspect that the father has already contacted him or he would've called me by now for an un-related matter.

I don't need him losing his job over this, with COVID his workplace is already short staffed and he does a fairly important, if low paid job. The nature of the job also makes him an altruistic character, and that might just be him trying to be a good person. The nature of the relationship is just not a good one and I think he needs to at least look at this objectively.

The other thing is, he knows people that are sort of unsavory characters. I don't want this blowing up into a big thing or I could be getting myself involved in a whole mess of other stuff.
 
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Grinderman

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SEX CASE! SEX CASE! HANG HIM! HANG HIM! HANG HIM!

I love an old sing song in the morning me.
 

FuzzX

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The father ended up telling him that the kid was exposed to Corona. Problem solved.
 

lost_blackbird

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No, and that's what bothered me initially. I had set him all up to meet girls and he sort of rejected the help. He's not active as far as dating and that's a red flag. Most men (even the ones I don't get along with here) are actively trying to pursue women, this is normal.
I'll look forward to my accusations of paedophilia soon then, especially since I am childless too.
Hate to break it to you, having autism is as natural as having hay fever but it affects my interpersonal
relationships to such an extent that I am pretty much a social cripple who has to mask and put on a
front of "normality" at all times, I have to force myself to speak to adults as I find them extraordinarily
difficult to read. The only kids I have contact with are my sisters two, a boy and a girl. The boy is autistic
too, so I understand what he's going through better than most. Point is, when I'm around my sisters kids,
I can be myself, make strange sounds. do lego, make fart jokes and play pranks on them with absolutely
no fear of judgement.
It's the same reason why I prefer animals to humans for company.

This has spectacularly backfired on your friend who is being judged by everyone but his companion mainly
because he can't see why his friendship with the kid is inappropriate. When I'm minding my sisters two (7 and 11),
it's fun and games mostly but even I can act like an adult when necessary and keep the child/adult division dynamic
as it should be. My sisters kids know their Uncle is a great laugh and does stuff their mum moans at me about. For
instance I taught my niece how to pull a stroke-face last time I saw her. "Inappropriate!" said my Police officer sister
as I laughed like a drain. But they do know that when I say "That's enough!" in a certain tone of voice, playtime is over
and it's time to do as you are told again.

Maybe your friend is lonely and has trouble making friends and gaining acceptance from adults and finds
women unapproachable. I can certainly sympathise with that, were you to observe me casually you'd never know
I had such social difficulties, In my 48 years I have basically learned to act to such an extent that I appear outgoing
and confident even though I'm often dying inside. My nephew still has to learn this skill, he lets his autism go
unhinged until meltdown/shutdown occurs, something I was guilty of for many years of my life.
 
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