LTR - Sex **** test question

[LARaiders85]

First off for context, I'm female.

Second, re what's quoted above, what makes you think it was a shyt test?

Shyt tests are an intentional manipulation, which I'm not seeing here.

What I'm seeing is a woman who feels sexually objectified by her boyfriend and undervalued, and communicating that to you, very clearly I might add.

That is NOT a shyt test, it's an issue that needs to be resolved or you may very well lose her again.

I agree with @kavi that demanding sex each time you see her makes you appear weak, overly thirsty and tbh a bit like a bully.

Are you into this? Into her? Truly? Do you care about her at all?

I am not accusing you of anything but it seems some men don't know the difference between treatment of a plate and treatment of a girlfriend you care about.

If you don't give a rat's arse about her and all you want her for is the bang, then keep her as a plate.

But if this is going to be LTR, learn to listen when she communicates versus aloofly dismissing and NOT viewing everything she does and says that's not to your liking as some sort of "shyt test."

No offense but you're clueless about women. You only know one woman, which is your idealized self. She said what she said because now, after 2.5 years, she has potentially lost interest in sleeping with him. Abrupt changes of behavior are a sign of catastrophic loss of interest in this scenario. OPs gut knows something is wrong here, so he posts.

Actually, full offense because your gaslighting is not really appreciated. I know you might mean well, but since you are talking out of your azz when someone's life is on the line to some extent, its just purely selfish of you.

 

[LARaiders85]

Hello,

I've recently gotten back toghether with an ex after i dumped her. She has been trying to get me back for 1 year and now we are back since 3 months.

So I have clearly been a "challenge" before in her eyes and I think thats what she likes because she always comes back for more. However, now that we are back together I have been waay to soft according to myself. Partly because of work and health stuff I have been way weaker than before. I have now bounced back but before I did stupidly surrendered frame to be "nicer". I have realized my mistakes and corrected behaviour but we some damage has definately been done.

She has been trying alot of **** testing to gain power in the relationship, saying things that "I have done this for you before but I wont do it now", "I will expect way more from a boyfriend than what you have given me before" etc. At first I did concede a few times but now I just chuckle and say something along the lines of "yeah whatever, thats bull**** and we both know it". Some tantrums have been thrown and I just keep calm and unfazed, positive results so far. I can tell she really likes when I'm unfazed by her bull****.
The desire has definately dropped, from my part since we gotten together and hers has dropped the past two weeks compared to before when she chased me hard.

Her trying to gain power in the relationship is a lose lose game for both of us if I concede, I know that and am secure in that.

However, I wanted you guys take on a particular one and if you can give me how you would handle it and elaborate.

Shes been for 2.5 years DTF everytime, always nomatter what and has been chasing me hard for sex when we hang out. She's still very touchy and I notice that I make her horny.
But she's tested me twice two with the same thing, saying shes not in the mood and that I "just cant expect to **** her everytime we hang out" and "all you want me for is sex".
I have handled this, not perfect at all but combining some nice guy splaining with to "you expect to **** me every time" with "Yea, ofcourse" shruh and with a smirk. Escalating to sex each time she has done it and shes been really happy afterwards and seem to enjoy sex more and more each time.

Side note, shes been super jealous about my "activity" past year, "whos texting you at this hour", "who the **** is DMing you on insta all the time?!, "I cant believe you dont know how many *****s you have ****ed since we been apart".

Maybe I'm just overreacting but I just want you guys opinion on how to go about things because sex for me is a non-negotiable. I know her attraction for me is my own resposability and we are heading in the right direction but I just wont accept sex used as a weapon against me.

Thanks for reading!

She has high narcissistic traits and she is possibly sleeping with another man and projecting that on you and gaslighting you.

 

[catsmeow2]

@Randolph I read your initial post again with fresh new eyes this morning, specifically the first paragraph, and not sure where my head was yesterday, but agree with others that she does sound like a huge PITA.

I'm not just saying that because I was harshly criticized, I really do mean it.

I think I was overly focused on the second paragraph wherein she complained that all you wanted was sex (my interpretation) and she felt objectified and undervalued even though I acknowledged the way she presented her complaint was bytchy and demanding.

Anyway, apologies and I really think you deserve better.

EDIT: I'm curious, why did you break up with her and why did you go back?

Generally speaking, it's never wise to get back with an ex.

Good luck though whatever you decide to do.

 

[Dr.Suave]

whether you want to dump her after few more sex capades or wish LTR with her..

He shouldnt have LTR her again. She´s an ex. OP broke one of the Iron Rules.

 

[pranshu]

He shouldnt have LTR her again. She´s an ex. OP broke one of the Iron Rules.

I agree...if they were compatible, they wouldn't have broken up in the first place..#next

 

[ThisIsSparta]

I think I was overly focused on the second paragraph wherein she complained that all you wanted was sex (my interpretation) and she felt objectified and undervalued even though I acknowledged the way she presented her complaint was bytchy and demanding.

And this is why men should not take advice on relationships from women. Its all about their subjective feelings and not about the objective facts we men are confronted with. Instinctively women kling onto the emotional stuff, forget about the facts and call other people bullies for not putting up with OP-GF´s bullshyt.

The honesty and capacity for self reflection must be appreciated though.

 

[catsmeow2]

And this is why men should not take advice on relationships from women. Its all about their subjective feelings and not about the objective facts we men are confronted with. Instinctively women kling onto the emotional stuff, forget about the facts and call other people bullies for not putting up with OP-GF´s bullshyt.

The honesty and capacity for self reflection must be appreciated though.

Thanks for the @Sparta, I appreciate it!

But not sure your assessment about me (as a woman) giving crap relationship advice is fair.

I've given decent advice to men, for example to @Free_Agent which garnered many "likes" and other men who have thanked me both on the forum and privately.

I am quite intuitive and perceptive, however in this case, I own that my response was emotionally-driven, which is why I apologized.
I know now why I reacted the way I did, I won't go into the reasons, they're actually not important.

Only that after self-reflection, I realize I was in the wrong and didn't want to lead the OP down the wrong path.

I also learned something about myself, which is always a good thing too.

 

[Pedrito0906]

Yes. I’m certain my wife can sense this dynamic. Every time she pisses me off, she gets really submissive and course corrects. I think women can just sense when a guy has the ability and fortitude to leave her.

What do you do? Silence N Distance?

 

[RickTheToad]

It makes you weak and beta that you want sex from her everytime you see her.

Being horny or demanding for sex is very weak and beta. It re-inforces the idea that sex has some value, for which the woman should be compensated. Now she is asking you to provide more because she thinks her vagina has so much value, a frame you put yourself in, and she wants better bf duties as an exchange.

She may not even care that you are a better bf or whatever, but she just doesnt want to be used, if she thinks her vag has as much value as you place on it, then she will want something exchange otherwise she feels she is giving something up for free that should have some value.

I disagree. NOT receiving sex on your terms is beta and entering her frame. If you want sex, she should give it to you willingly and with no issues; sans period, sick, etc. Ever hear of dead bedrooms? No sex = beta and weak.

 

[EyeBRollin]

What do you do? Silence N Distance?

Yes. Did it during the dating process. I authoritatively told her where she messed up, demanded a sincere apology, and then distanced until she came back. I also cancelled prior plans if she didn’t get the apology together fast enough. (We had an argument once just three days before a weekend trip. She refused to apologize until the night before. I had cancelled the trip anyway).

Now I don’t have to do the distance thing cause it’s in her brain that pissing me off is highly unpleasant and I might actually leave.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

I disagree. NOT receiving sex on your terms is beta and entering her frame. If you want sex, she should give it to you willingly and with no issues; sans period, sick, etc. Ever hear of dead bedrooms? No sex = beta and weak.

There are worlds between no sex and all the time.

Ever heard of sex addicts? Addiction and lack of self control is also beta and weak.

 

[RickTheToad]

There are worlds between no sex and all the time.

Ever heard of sex addicts? Addiction and lack of self control is also beta and weak.

Sorry to hear that you lack self control and are weak. You should work on that.

 

[Pedrito0906]

Yes. Did it during the dating process. I authoritatively told her where she messed up, demanded a sincere apology, and then distanced until she came back. I also cancelled prior plans if she didn’t get the apology together fast enough. (We had an argument once just three days before a weekend trip. She refused to apologize until the night before. I had cancelled the trip anyway).

Now I don’t have to do the distance thing cause it’s in her brain that pissing me off is highly unpleasant and I might actually leave.

But demanding an apology will turn into an obligated compliance like Rollo says, apologies should be organic, that she knows she fvcked up. Demanding apologies isn't it like demanding sex?

 

[Dr.Suave]

I don’t know what happened but something did

She didnt disclose she´s diagnosed with mental stuff. That´s what happened.

 

[Dr.Suave]

When you have sex with your LTR or wife, do you care that SHE desires you, sexually?

I think it was Rollo who talked about genuine desire. A man should not have the need to beg for sex:

His Girl should desire him sexually more than he desires her. She will never test him for sex. She will always want sex unless she´s sick or has a legit reason. No way she´s gonna pass any opportunity to ride her man´s c0ck.

I was skeptic of this but no more. Genuine desire exists. And it solves (avoids?) a lot of problems you read about here in SoSuave.

Why bother giving her exclusivity if she doesnt have genuine desire? It would only make sense if you are so bad at game that you get more sex from a LTR who doesnt have genuine desire than you would spinning plates.

 

[EyeBRollin]

But demanding an apology will turn into an obligated compliance like Rollo says, apologies should be organic, that she knows she fvcked up. Demanding apologies isn't it like demanding sex?

I don’t accept the apology until it is sincere, contrite, and she knows exactly what she did wrong. I don’t just “get over it” or “forgive and move on.” That’s the key.

Also, women generally hate apologizing. If you expect them to do it organically you will die alone. They are egotistical, self serving creatures. That is their biological makeup. It won’t change.

 

[catsmeow2]

Also, women generally hate apologizing. If you expect them to do it organically you will die alone. They are egotistical, self serving creatures. That is their biological makeup. It won’t change.

From my previous post to @Randolph .

I think I was overly focused on the second paragraph wherein she complained that all you wanted was sex (my interpretation) and she felt objectified and undervalued even though I acknowledged the way she presented her complaint was bytchy and demanding.

Anyway, apologies and I really think you deserve better.

 

[pranshu]

From my previous post to @Randolph .

such occurrences are extremely rare..and we men do appreciate when a woman has the balls(metaphorical ofcourse) to take responsibility for her mistakes..you gained a point in my book...now you have lesser negative final score

 

[Randolph]

@Randolph I read your initial post again with fresh new eyes this morning, specifically the first paragraph, and not sure where my head was yesterday, but agree with others that she does sound like a huge PITA.

I'm not just saying that because I was harshly criticized, I really do mean it.

I think I was overly focused on the second paragraph wherein she complained that all you wanted was sex (my interpretation) and she felt objectified and undervalued even though I acknowledged the way she presented her complaint was bytchy and demanding.

Anyway, apologies and I really think you deserve better.

EDIT: I'm curious, why did you break up with her and why did you go back?

Generally speaking, it's never wise to get back with an ex.

Good luck though whatever you decide to do.

Thanks.
Well in short, because she's not hot enough and extremly emotionally immature. Constant gaslighting because of her insecurities. This type of behaviour has been turning me off alot in the past, still does.

 

[Randolph]

I disagree. NOT receiving sex on your terms is beta and entering her frame. If you want sex, she should give it to you willingly and with no issues; sans period, sick, etc. Ever hear of dead bedrooms? No sex = beta and weak.

Kind of agree here. Never been fully denied, just had some resistance which I have pushed trough. Feels wierd but like you are alluding to, not acceptable to be denied sex.