LR - 117

[Sega Genesis]

I am curious. When you were coaching, if this were one of your clients experiencing this, what wouid you advise him to do?

I felt suffocated just reading it, I cannot imagine actually experiencing it, I never wouid.

I'd tell him he needs to slow down! Kindly and I would explain why.

In fact I have had to say this a few times and they did slow down.

I agree it's a big attraction killer and a red flag.

In most (or many) cases, as fast as they come on, you can trust they will disappear just as fast.

$02

 

[BPH]

Tear off the bandaid OP. Cite the fact you want to get your life more in order. She may not want that as it may make you more desirable on the market (from her perspective)

Know what I find odd? Every single girl that I've dated, upon finding out that I'm disciplined in the gym and with my diet, enjoys trying to get me to cheat on that diet by indulging with them.

I don't know why that is, but maybe that has something to do with it.

I am curious. When you were coaching, if this were one of your clients experiencing this, what wouid you advise him to do?

I felt suffocated just reading it, I cannot imagine actually experiencing it, I never wouid.

I'd tell him he needs to slow down! Kindly and I would explain why.

In fact I have had to say this a few times and they did slow down.

I agree it's a big attraction killer and a red flag.

In most (or many) cases, as fast as they come on, you can trust they will disappear just as fast.

$02

So far, I've kinda deflected those types of conversations. I'm trying very hard to go with the flow and just enjoy myself with her.

My guess is that she hasn't experienced this with anybody other than her ex in a very long time. They dated from age 18-27 (broke up about a year ago), and it was very messy from what she's described. Maybe she's excited about experiencing someone "normal" like me for the first time since then.

I'm just trying to let it run its course a little, and I'll put my foot down if she starts overstepping or getting too possessive.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Often around here I have said that men need to be the hunters in a relationship, a relationship needs to be the man's idea.

And some of you guys are like 'No! The man is the prize! I want her to chase me, I want her to initiate!

But that is masculine energy. I've asked in some threads what are you going to do when you get a girl who does that and she is in masculine energy and it turns you off? You can't just expect her to become all feminine & demure (warm and responsive feminine energy) all of a sudden. You've selected for a ball buster assertive/masculine chick & lo & behold it turns you off....

(not directed at @BPH by the way, but this is a good example of this phenomena).

Masculine men desire the polarity of feminine women. If a woman has had to learn to be tough, aggressive, masculine energy to survive (as I figure this girl has had to do in her life), it is very difficult to unlearn that. Ask me how I know, lol.

I am supposing this is what is bothering @BPH at the core of things. It is cognitive dissonance. And in addition there is some resentment building because there is a sense of entitlement in her. Her money feels somehow more important in her mind than OPs, or at the very least she is quite stingy with her money, yet she feels entitled to OP spending his money on her, despite the fact that she likely out earns him.

What that suggests to me is that she has learned to be very transactional in dealing with men. Money spent equates to value and validation in her mind. And frankly being a bottle service girl reinforces that belief system inside her.....But she is acting like the man in the interaction as regards time & attention. She is giving OP lots of time & attention but it comes with unstated expectations attached, like the expectation that she meet OP's parents, like the expectation that he spend last Friday with her, like the expectation that she monopolize OP's time.

Boundaries are a must with this girl. You are NOT her boyfriend. Do not do boyfriend stuff, have boundaries. No more driving at the expense of your time & gas to help her out. You have a generous spirit, but she not only hasn't earned that yet, she did not reward you (make you dinner at her expense, pick up your gas, etc) for doing a rather big favor for her.

In early September my husband came and helped me deal with an extremely overgrown yard at my ex-husband's house. I still own the house, and my ex husband lives there for cost of his utilities (deal we agreed upon during the divorce) but he's let the yard devour the house (English ivy, Boston ivy, poison ivy, grape vines, weeds, junk trees, gutters full of dirt/weeds etc.). Unreal mess. We worked like hell for an entire weekend (and ex did too) to reel all the overgrowth in. My husband has no dog in that hunt. The equity in that house will belong to my ex upon sale....but you have to maintain the house to obtain/retain/gain equity.....so it was nothing but work for my husband all weekend and he worked A LOT.

My ex husband would not let him pay for anything while we were there, and neither would I. Next week I'm taking him to Hawaii as a thank you and I'm not letting him pay for much there either. He went above & beyond to do something that helps me, and helps my ex. And I have made sure he knows how much I appreciate it. He could have done nothing.

So this girl does not appear to be appreciative of the amount of effort you are making OP, so stop. If she is not appreciative or grateful for your efforts, withdraw your efforts. Hold a boundary.

The problem might also be that she doesn't know what healthy boundaries are. The interaction might serve to educate her, but that is going to be bumpy if you have to directly talk with her about it....and you might have to.

Keep your boundaries. You are not obligated to answer if she calls, you are not obligated to be on the phone for an hour, etc.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Oh...it's developed...

I'd love to know your thoughts on what I'm about to describe here. I'm not necessarily asking for advice, but I want to describe what's bothering me about this girl.

We met just over 2 weeks ago on Tuesday, back on October 20th. Since then, we have seen each other that same Saturday, Monday (I offered to take her to a doctor's appointment since her mom wasn't available, just trying to help), and this past Halloween on Saturday - 4 times in just over a week.

She is absolutely enamored with me, and it's causing me to lose interest. Physically and sexually, things are going pretty well (she keeps telling me I'm the best she's ever had), but it kinda feels like we're speedrunning whatever this relationship is. She's mentioned that while she doesn't date girls, she DOES enjoy sleeping with them, and thinks it would be fun to have a threesome once we've established more trust - but that might just be a carrot she's dangling that wouldn't be worth it by that point.

We text back and forth all throughout the day, every day. Sometimes she will also call me and stay on the phone for an hour or more, which annoys me. She wants to see me CONSTANTLY - she says she misses me the same day I leave, and every other day until I see her again. Last weekend she was upset that I wanted to relax and stay in on Friday night, as opposed to seeing her, in which case I would have been with her Friday night and Saturday all day, leaving Sunday afternoon. She was also a little insecure here, thinking that if I'm not with her that night, it's because I might be with someone else.

She constantly compliments me, and if I don't return in kind with the same enthusiasm, she also gets upset because she doesn't enjoy feeling that she likes me more than I like her. On Halloween, I met her mom at a house party the mom's boyfriend was hosting, and by the end of my visit, she was asking about meeting my parents...

Again, we've known each other a little over 1 week at that point...

Just this morning, she had a dream about me where we were holding hands and enjoying a sandwich together, which she described as being very romantic.

Plus, I described in this post: https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/money-entrepreneurship-i-dont-really-know-what-to-do.286857/

How I've been feeling lately, and needing to spend my free time (my weekends) focusing on what I'm going to do financially, makes it difficult to appease this woman who wants me to spend all day and all night with her, all the time.

On a smaller note, I've also noticed that she hasn't offered to pay for anything so far. She'll get some snacks and cook some food for me, but since the date, which I fully expected to pay for, she hasn't offered to contribute financially. For example, on Halloween, it was 2 separate trips to get up and back from her mom's party at $50 each, before tip. Not only did she not offer to order or split it, but on the return trip she asked ME if I was ready to order it. Even little things, like getting energy drinks at a convenience store - she hasn't offered to pay or asked if I could buy it for her - she just assumes I've got it.

Maybe I'm overanalyzing that a little bit, but it's something small that I don't like.

Anyway, she wants to see me again this weekend. This might sound like a "steak too juicy, lobster too buttery" kind of problem, but I can't help getting turned off by some of this behavior.

The love bombing phase building you up sky high before she starts devaluing you and tearing you down.

Also, why are so available for her? She is seeing how much time and space she can take in your life and you are giving her entirely too much right now, IMO.

She is trying to see how easily she can manipulate you...and sometimes it starts by seeing how easy you are to give up your time to her or rearrange things for her.

You cannot get caught up in what she has going on and into what she wants at a given time, you need to be a little less available and be a little more judicious of how much time you are giving her this quickly. You are getting a little swept up in her emotions a bit too much and she is taking notes.