Just learned that a friend will be divorcing his wife of 16 years

[STR8UP]

The two main ingredients in a successful marriage- a masculine Man, and a feminine Woman.

Should a man fail to act in a masculine capacity in his marriage, failing to protect and provide, he has it coming to him if his wife decides to leave.

A man's value is judged primarily by his ability to protect and provide. A woman's value is judged primarily on her beauty and reproductive value.

A woman gaining a bunch of weight LOSES her value. Right or wrong, shallow or not, unless the man has a particular fetish for that sort of thing, he is no longer able to look at that woman as having value.

If a man "lets himself go" as far as giving up on his ambitions and becoming a lazy couch potato, (or if he becomes physically unattractive), he will no longer have the value he had going into the relationship.

Fact of life- you can't FORCE attraction. It's there or it isn't.

The thought of living with, sleeping with, and having sex with a woman who turns me off makes me cringe.

Do you really think the kids are gonna be happy with daddy trying for the rest of his life to FORCE himself to be attracted to his wife? Do you think daddy's gonna be happy? NO WAY

 

[azanon]

Just so its on the table, lets not forget choice #3 (excuse me while I step outside the box for a moment): Maintain the marriage for the kids, and cheat occasionally to meet the sexual needs. Obviously, his wife isn't interested in being competitive in this department so the justification to look elsewhere to meet that need is certainly there.

For the record, I'd still recommend the divorce. If caught, cheating (most likely) will only increase his problems. Then again, there's an outside chance it might just be the thing that causes her to finally do something about the weight.

 

[STR8UP]

the real problem in all this is the guy got married very very young (in essence). he's been eating chicken for 16 years nad he wants to taste what steak is like.

No, the problem is that he ordered chicken and now he's getting COW. He doesn't LIKE cow.

 

[joekerr31]

The thought of living with, sleeping with, and having sex with a woman who turns me off makes me cringe.

Do you really think the kids are gonna be happy with daddy trying for the rest of his life to FORCE himself to be attracted to his wife? Do you think daddy's gonna be happy? NO WAY

i agree with you str8up.

but the reality is that if he was soooooo attracted to her as to marry her, trust me, a couple of extra pounds isn't going to destroy that attraction completely.

she may not be AS attractive, but whatever it was about her that set her apart from all other women, he is still going to be able to see that.

i think what all this is really about is that after 16 years, i dont care if your wife is cindy crawford, you are going to get bored of f*cking her.

the real problem is that they have been together since they were 16. he missed out on all of lifes dating experiences and now wants to sow some wild oats. and is using this weight thing as the excuse to do it.

 

[DavenJuan]

dave,

i agree. but hte poster made this out as she was great in every other respect.

no depression. no moodiness. never refuses sex. etc.

this seems to be a case that is no more complicated than his wife gained 30-40 pounds after having two kids, is in the routine of being a mother, and simply just isn't in to the working out lifestyle that would allow her to drop that baby fat weight.

and i guess why im still standing my ground is that if you aren't prepared to get through times like these in a marriage - PLEASE DO NOT GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS!

the real problem in all this is the guy got married very very young (in essence). he's been eating chicken for 16 years nad he wants to taste what steak is like. this weight issue is merely his excuse for bailing. this is no different than women who come up will bullsh*t excuses for bailing on their guy.

moreover, like i say, do NOT get married if you do not love a woman and value you her above all the others you have dated. If you are marrying her cuz she is 'all right', or because you didnt feel you had other options, you are making a huge mistake. because marriage is going to have its ups and downs. your woman might gain some weight. she might get cancer and lose all her hair. you might get cancer and lose your testicles. sh*t happens. you have to love the person you are marrying (not just her body) if you have any hope of your marriage lasting.
J

agreed...but dont you think that after 16 years something as simple as going to the gym to HELP your marragie work is something that should be considered?

all the possiblities that you mentioned above are things that are beyond our control. if its something that you cannot "Fix" then yes, loving someone is dealing with it and working through it together.

why is it that if she knows her weight is an issue with the man she married yet she is not willing to do anything about it?


she knows the type of man she married, whether we agree or disagree that he is being silly and childish, selfish and immature is irrelevant. hell, if your married and your husband likes you to dress up like a penquin then by all means, do what you ahve to do to please one another, but after 16 yrs of marriage and not willing to fix a "cosmetic" issue questions other things...

i would start to wander, if my wife isnt willing to address this small issue, what other things are to come? why not work out for the man you say you want to live the rest of your life with? You start to think..."hey, her weight doesnt seem to bother her, but she knows it bothers me..why isnt she trying? does she not really care what i think?

again, i agree that if your married, and things happen, cancer, car accident, loss of limbs..whatever, you work through it, those things we cannot control, but unless she has some illness or disease that would prevent her from actually trying and lose the weight, then why is my marriage not worth trying to fix this issue?

 

[azanon]

No, the problem is that he ordered chicken and now he's getting COW. He doesn't LIKE cow.

:crackup: Thanks for that.

The #1 myth here ingraned as fact at Sosuave is the "marrying younger than approximately 27 is always wrong" myth. Just behind that is "marriage is always bad for men" myth. I've already waived the white flag on both of these. Just knowing these are myths will have to be enough for me.

 

[STR8UP]

:crackup: Thanks for that.

The #1 myth here ingraned as fact at Sosuave is the "marrying younger than approximately 27 is always wrong" myth. Just behind that is "marriage is always bad for men" myth. I've already waived the white flag on both of these. Just knowing these are myths will have to be enough for me.

I've always said.....a good marriage will enhance a man's life. A bad marriage will put him through hell.

As for the marrying below 27 part- it's not always WRONG, but it is always entails more RISK.

 

[joekerr31]

she knows the type of man she married, whether we agree or disagree that he is being silly and childish, selfish and immature is irrelevant.

well ultimately here is the thing. i could care less about any of these people, i dont know them.

my advice is actually not based on whats in the wife's best interest (i dont see her as a victim as RT suggests).

he, she picked her husband, she let herself go, if those two things add up to she ends up divorced, thats her fault.

what i am saying though is that i dont think getting a divorce is in this guys best interest. i really don't. ya he got married to young and now wants to sow his wild oats, but he can overcome that without actually doing it.

because what i worry about in all this is that this guy is going to get divorced, go out and live the party life for 5 years, and then realize 'wow, im 37, what do i do now?" at which point he might settle down and will likely end up with the same problem with his new wife that he has with his existing wife.

given that the woman he has now is good in every other respect, all this guy has to do is figure out a way to get her to exercise nad lose weight.

its not that complicated a task. and if he cant figure it out then he needs to take her to councilling and bring the issue up there.

when a man is with a woman that doesn't value him, i'm all for leaving. but this is the opposite situation. she does value him, she does treat him right, etc - and the deal breaker is the kids.

this guy is throwing away a lot, and is making a choice i believe he will later regret, all because his wife gained 30 pounds?

i mean, come on guys, how can people not see how crazy a decision this is.

 

[KarmaSutra]

oh and as for the posters who say 'your not married so shut your trap'...whatever.

you think you have to be married to understand marriage? that idiotic.

human nature is what it is, whether inside or outside the bond of marriage.

Wrong again bub. I think you're going against the grain here because there are so many of us who think you're off base. I think pride is fvcking with you a little bit brother.

You absolutely have to have been or be married to know what it IS to be married. What's idiotic is me playing a flight simulator then thinking I can crawl up into the ****pit of a 747 and fly that motherfvcker to Hong Kong without incident. That's idiotic.

It's the same exact thing. It's about the life experience of the thing. I'm usually on your side with your retorts my man, but on this one you're dead wrong.

 

[jonwon]

well ultimately here is the thing. i could care less about any of these people, i dont know them.

my advice is actually not based on whats in the wife's best interest (i dont see her as a victim as RT suggests).

he, she picked her husband, she let herself go, if those two things add up to she ends up divorced, thats her fault.

what i am saying though is that i dont think getting a divorce is in this guys best interest. i really don't. ya he got married to young and now wants to sow his wild oats, but he can overcome that without actually doing it.

because what i worry about in all this is that this guy is going to get divorced, go out and live the party life for 5 years, and then realize 'wow, im 37, what do i do now?" at which point he might settle down and will likely end up with the same problem with his new wife that he has with his existing wife.

given that the woman he has now is good in every other respect, all this guy has to do is figure out a way to get her to exercise nad lose weight.

its not that complicated a task. and if he cant figure it out then he needs to take her to councilling and bring the issue up there.

when a man is with a woman that doesn't value him, i'm all for leaving. but this is the opposite situation. she does value him, she does treat him right, etc - and the deal breaker is the kids.

this guy is throwing away a lot, and is making a choice i believe he will later regret, all because his wife gained 30 pounds?

i mean, come on guys, how can people not see how crazy a decision this is.

Whats wrong with living your life single?

Why does any man have to find a wife and settle down?

And why should a man worry about settling down at the age of 37?

At 37 i suspect my earnings will have increased alot and with that i can choose a better lifestyle for myself, which includes a bigger pool of women wanting to tie me down.

If any man worries about what the future will hold when they get older and attribute this to meeting a mate, i do wonder what they base there happiness on.

The marriage is not working, he needs to get out to remain happy.

Like the feminist hags would scream:

Leave the fat slob, she (feminist he) does not make you happy!

I think its clear from the posts the guy has clearly tried, its not working! time to move on.

It seems joker, your a marriage type of guy, dont blame you, you have never walked that path, i suspect you have some rosy tinted specs on, painted on by sociaty, well fact of the matter is rather alot of marriage are pritty shi* and yes women are accountable just like in this situation, hence he would be better of:

Single even at 37 or even at 57.

Any guy who tells other men to find a mate for life or expects others to get married due to the 'fear of getting old', i do wonder about there sanity i really do! (incidently this is women think, i.e men becoming women and women becoming men).

And sad to say this is the crux of your reply.

Your here for a short time not a long time, whey spend that in some rightous prison, do to conforming with a social moral code, when it is clear others around you are not supporting it, including your partner.

She has let herself go and he deserves to move on with his life and not sleep in seperate rooms, since his wife repulses him!

You cant call that a marriage and if she has not got the hint, he would be better off leaving. It is clear he is being verbal and showing her how much he cant tolerate just how bad she has let herself go.

What next?

Support her and show her love through her difficult time?

lol i expect this type of typical feminist speel next, to place the blame back on the male and not hold the women accountable for becoming a fat slob!

 

[Mr.Positive]

this guy is throwing away a lot, and is making a choice i believe he will later regret, all because his wife gained 30 pounds?

i mean, come on guys, how can people not see how crazy a decision this is.

I agree 100% with ya Joekerr! A lot of marriages could be turned around if people would just try and fix their issues, instead of running away from them.

The grass is always greener, it's ALWAYS greener. People get complacent by nature I guess..

 

[jonwon]

I agree 100% with ya Joekerr! A lot of marriages could be turned around if people would just try and fix their issues, instead of running away from them.

The grass is always greener, it's ALWAYS greener. People get complacent by nature I guess..

In alot of cases, that term is true.

His wife has probably eaten the grass, on his side.

 

[joekerr31]

The marriage is not working, he needs to get out to remain happy.

Like the feminist hags would scream:

Leave the fat slob, she (feminist he) does not make you happy!


It seems joker, your a marriage type of guy, dont blame you, you have never walked that path, i suspect you have some rosy tinted specs on, painted on by sociaty, well fact of the matter is rather alot of marriage are pritty shi* and yes women are accountable just like in this situation

1) first, the marriage IS working based on the poster. but this guy feels he can get a BETTER deal out in the market and wants to trade up. this is NOT a situation where he is miserable or the marriage sucks, this is 100% a situation of him wanting to trade up. which is fine for dating, LTRs, or even a marriage with no kids. but its bullsh*t when there are kids involved.

2) if you are going to start using feminist hags as the excuse for male behavior then this is a sad day on so suave. if you are saying this is what femenist hags would do, all the more reason NOT to do it. what the f*ck, are WE feminist hags?! its really pathetic when men say 'women would do it, so im going to do." - honestly i cant htink of a more AFC attitude one can possess than to justify your male behavior based on how females behave.

3) i have anything but rose colored glasses on. read my other posts. im the king of NEXT. im not married (even though ive come close many times), precisely because im fully aware of the delusional trappings associated with marriage.

just because im a m an and im all for men livign better lives, does not mean i have to get behind some dude behaving selfishly and abadoning his family because his wife gained 30 pounds.

you guys are SMOKING CRACK to think that makes sense.

as a man you DO NOT abadon your family over petty bullsh*t like this.

i mean, what the f*ck is going on with men today where their attitude has become if there is ANYTHING they don't like about their relationship its reason to walk away.

guys, life is not perfect. its never going to be perfect. you have to WORK to make it perfect. this guy needs to work with his wife for her to lose weight. if you guys spent half as much time coming up with strategies to help him do that, instead of rationalizing why he should leave her, then his problem would already be fixed by now

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Would you marry a woman who would in every respect be your ideal mate - affectionate, loving, compassionate, supportive, loyal, dependable, came from a great family, made an excellent mother, etc. - except that you could never have sex with her ever (you could have children thru artificial insemination)? Would you marry her?

Sex always has been, and always will continue to be, the deal breaker for men. If this was presented to you up front, you'd probably think it was a damn shame, but you'd walk away from it - either that or you'd convince yourself that she'd eventually have sex with you and do it anyway. All prospects of marriage is bait & switch to some degree; even if the woman had no prior forethought about it. There are very few women who plan to lose interest in sex, who plan to fatten up after marriage, but it happens. And the hot piece of ass, the "best woman I'll evvvver find" metamorphs into a 5' 6", 190lbs, tub of fun loving and happy fat.

You'd never marry her if you knew that would happen.

 

[vorbis]

This ultimately comes down to how much weight gain we're talking about

If she's turned into a whale, then I can certainly condone the guy wanting to leave especially if he's in good shape.

20 - 30 pounds, it really depends. Some women carry extra weight better than others. If the wife has a petite frame, then even 20 pounds of fat around the midriff can be really ugly.

The bigger issue is that the wife hasn't tried to lose the weight. Thats the killer. The better looking he gets, the more strain will be put on the marriage.

JoeKerr31, I would say the issue is not as simple as saying she just gained a few pounds. The more weight she gains, the less interested the guy will be in sex with her. When the sex stops, you're really only together at that stage for the kids. I'm not sure if a two parent household where the father resents the mother is better than a one parent household where the other parent visits regularly and they both are happier.

 

[KarmaSutra]

If she's too busy shoving bear claws in her mouth, two at a time, then when will she have the time for her husbands meat stick?

She's giving up her responsibility to keeping her man happy and fulfilled. Why is he supposed to forego his own pleasures?

 

[joekerr31]

Would you marry a woman who would in every respect be your ideal mate - affectionate, loving, compassionate, supportive, loyal, dependable, came from a great family, made an excellent mother, etc. - except that you could never have sex with her ever (you could have children thru artificial insemination)? Would you marry her?.

but RT that is NOT the case here. unless i've been a complete idiot and missed something.

from my understanding this guy gets laid whenever he wants. moreover, unless she put on 150 pounds, odds are that his attraction to her has diminished but not vanished.

if anything has killed their sex life its probably not the 30 pounds she put on (since we dont know what she has gained, im goign to go with a less extreme number than 100) but rather the fact they've been together for 16 years. in which case, this is a normal issue in marriages (they need to work through it, not bail).

the reality is this guy has JUST entered his prime years. he's 32 and the ladies are noticing him. he's buff, successful, etc. - he's getting attention and he likes it. then he goes home and there are 2 kids there, a wife with an extra 30 pounds, etc. and he's thinking 'man, i coudl be banging 25 year old smoking hot babes. why am i sticking it out with all this responsibility and doing the family thing."

like i say, perhaps there are other mitigating factors in all this that would make me feel more at ease supporting the NEXT option (ie. divorce).

but as it stands, i do not think this guy is repulsed by his wife due to her weight gain, i think this guy has increased his value in the market while she has decreased hers and as a result he's got a fat head and is looking to trade up.

and almost every time i've seen that happened, the person trading up gets burned in the long term.

and the biggest issue i have here is that this guy is burning not just his wife, but his family, all for some extra poontang.

but hey, if it was like you are saying RT, if he was getting no sex and was repulsed by his wife, then yes divorce make sense. i do not believe in staying in a marriage if you are miserable.

but at the same time, that doesn't mean you go running for the hills every time you have a bad day, week or month.

so many guys on here yack up divorce as though its just like nexting. its not. its a serious action to take, one with serious reprocussions on both you (in ways you wont understand until later), on your wife, and especially on your kids.

all im saying is that people should be getting divorced for the right reasons. NOT because they are bored and want to get some fresh poontang. boredom is normal obstacle in a marriage and can be overcome.

anyway, i still think its absurd to get divorced over 30 pounds.

 

[joekerr31]

JoeKerr31, I would say the issue is not as simple as saying she just gained a few pounds. The more weight she gains, the less interested the guy will be in sex with her.

while this is true, too many guys here are looking at this like a dating scenario.

he married this woman, which means he found her super hot. and fine, 30 pounds, heck, even 100 pounds, will lower your sexual interest in her, but it wont destroy it.

youll still be attracted to her on some level (because at bare minimum you still have the image of her when you first met her and banged her 1000 times).

moreover, the weight gain is gradual. it would have happened over years. he would have acclimated himself to it and gotten use to it.

its nto like she walked in the door one day weight an extra 30 pounds and he goes 'oh my gawd, your so ugly"

id be willing to bet you anything he isnt even divorce her because of the weight. i have a feeling that the whole weight thing is a red herring. i bet you this guy has been masrried 16 years, never dated, is bored with his marriage and feels he m issed out, so he going to leave. he wants to go bang some fresh poontang.

now how would people be responding to a woman who after 16 years just bailed on her family so she could go get nailed by some fresh kawk?

everyone would be up in arms calling her a b*tch and a sl*t and to forget that no good piece of trash.

but when its one of our own we buy in to any excuse to rationalize his behavior. 'ohhh she gained 30 pounds, then by all means dump that no good b*tch"

sorry dudes, i hold us to the same standard id hold a woman to.

and i still say this guy is going to regret making the choice hes making. it may take 5 years, but he'll regret it.

 

[KarmaSutra]

so many guys on here yack up divorce as though its just like nexting. its not. its a serious action to take, one with serious reprocussions on both you (in ways you wont understand until later), on your wife, and especially on your kids.

all im saying is that people should be getting divorced for the right reasons. NOT because they are bored and want to get some fresh poontang. boredom is normal obstacle in a marriage and can be overcome.

Brother, how can a non-married man claim to know this as if he's experienced it?

I've been through all of it so my replies are from experience and first hand knowledge. Divorce is as bad as you make it just as your marriage. If a guy decides he wants a divorce from his wife because she started snoring it doesn't matter! The fact is he wants a change. Is it better for him to simply accept things as they are instead of molding his future into what it CAN be? How are the kids going to be when he starts resenting everything about his marriage? It will inadvertantly bleed into every relationship he has.

Best that he realize it and move on with his life than sit idle and stare at it from the rear.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Brother, how can a non-married man claim to know this as if he's experienced it?.

But Karma, how can any of us know what the guy is going through based upon a simple post? Really, we don't know much.

There is a lot of quick generalizations made here, which sometimes changes people's lives, for the better...and the worse.

What this guy does need to do though, IMO, is try everything in his power to save his marriage, if his marriage matters at all to him at this point. If he makes the decision to try, he can lead his marriage in the direction he wants it to go. If that means his wife losing weight, he can most likely work with her.