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Is She a Calamity?

D.Roger

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Hello!
First post here... I am really in need of advice from you guys who are more experienced and can judge things rationally and better than me.

Some background, I am 27, got The Rational Male from a friend when I was 22. From then on, I used it as my Bible and it really made a difference in my life.
(if you are reading, thank you Rollo!)

So here is the problem.
I have been spinning 4 good plates and life is/was good so far.
But, here comes the 5th one.
She is a perfect 10, looks like Jessica Alba with tattoos. Smart and intellectually challenging, funny.
I knew who she was because she worked as a waitress in a bar I like some years ago, now she is a nurse.
We meet one month ago at that same bar, she bought me a drink out of nowhere, smiled from far away and just left the bar.
A couple of days later, I meet her randomly on the street, I talk to her and I get her number.
We go on a date, she comes to my place after that, we **** and it's just mind blowing.
She wanted me to **** her in the ass and *** inside her.
Pure bliss, just insane.
From then, we date and keep having amazing sex.
She is respectful, sexy, supportive, everything a man would want.
She even came a whole weekend by my side when my mother was in the hospital for an emergency operation.

My first problem is that I am starting to catch feelings for her. I am not interested at all in any other plate and I keep thinking about her.
And here is the second and greatest problem.
She opened up a bit about her past and I learned even more from a good friend who used to work with her at the bar.

First red flag:
Divorced parents, they kept living in the same house without talking to each other for 4 years, she played messenger between them. Father didn't give her attention, she smoked in front of him and didn't even notice, he played video games.

Second red flag:
She told me her first love and then LTR for 3 years (17-20) was a psycho, pathologically jealous, he even hit her once.
I learned from my friend who knows the situation that she cheated on him, after a fight they had, and he slapped her because she told him it wasn't cheating because they were not together for that week.

3rd red flag:
Second LTR, starts 2 weeks after breaking up, she lives with him after the first 6 months of their relationship because her mother kicked her out of their home, she didn't want her dog.
She ends up being with him for 6 years(20-26), they broke up on Christmas. I actually know him, he is the most well known tattoo artist in the city, Really nice guy.
BUT.
She cheated on him with her ex multiple times at around the 2nd year of their relationship.
The 3rd year, a friend of the tattoo guy caught her making out with a bartender at a club, told the poor dude about it, but he didn't break up with her because he loved her and she told him she regretted it.
(I learned all that and I am 100% sure everything is true)
And now, here comes what she told me when she opened up.
On the 4th year of her relationship (2 years ago), she met with the man that she thought was the love of her life.
She went on to have a parallel relationship with him for the whole 2 years because from what she says, she was weak and could not break up with the tattoo guy (she told me all that while crying).
But the guy started talking badly to her, belittling her because she promised to break up and she didn't. So she started falling out of love with him.
When she broke up with the tattoo guy on Christmas, the feelings left for the other man just died too.
He pursued her in order to start everything from scratch, but from what she tells me, she has no feelings for him. She doesn't want him because of what happened.
I know him too, he is also a great man, also the most well known in his job in the city (crossfit coach) and kinda famous, he is a professional mma fighter.

Something else I am thinking is that she seems to go for guys with status, money, fame.
I am also successful in my job, already have my own house, a nice sports car, big social circle etc.
Maybe she is preying on that? It could be plain hypergamy at work, but it looks a bit like a pattern.

Anyways, after the break up, she was dead inside until she meet me, supposedly.

Should I judge her on how she treats me and not on her past, or that would be really stupid?

Something in my mind tells me to put her on plate status and never take her seriously, but she is too good so far to do that.
Judging on how she acts towards me, she looks like LTR material.
Is it possible for her to be good with me, if I keep my frame, or she has deep issues that are out of my control and I ll end up like the other guys?

Maybe the other guys had bad frame, couldn't handle her properly and weren't alpha enough?

Or maybe she rode a sick, weird CC and now had her epiphany, so she might want to build a healthy relationship?

Maybe she is a calamity and everyone she becomes intimate with, she destroys.
Kinda like Lola Montez
I don't know...

What are your thoughts?
 

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Albatross953

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You need to be a rock. Not affected by her, not judging her. Don't catch feelings, you and an army of professionals can't fix her. She's broken. Enjoy it for what it is but your turn will end. In a month or in ten years. It will end. The only question is will you get hurt by the blast. My gut says you can have some fun, but that's all it ever going to be.
 

AttackFormation

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Sex, looks, sympathy and lovebombing is blinding you to what your gut tries to say, what Albatross summed up: she's got issues out of your control that make her unsuitable for a relationship. You can casually enjoy her for as long as it lasts, but don't delude yourself that this should be a LTR.
 

stringpuller

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She wanted me to **** her in the ass and *** inside her.
Run bro lol (half sarcasm,)
Congrats on your successes. Oneitis is a tough one. There is a reason Rollo opened his book with it.
Shytty family background has become a red flag for me in my later years. You might be wise at 27 to take head of it.
She told me her first love and then LTR for 3 years (17-20) was a psycho, pathologically jealous, he even hit her once.
I personally dont listen to this nonsense. So what its in the past. Be firm with her and tell her to save the drama for her friends. Sounds harsh but its your best route. Tell her if shes going to be in your life she will do it today. Not years ago.
Second LTR, starts 2 weeks after breaking up, she lives with him after the first 6 months of their relationship because her mother kicked her out of their home, she didn't want her dog.
She ends up being with him for 6 years(20-26), they broke up on Christmas. I actually know him, he is the most well known tattoo artist in the city, Really nice guy.
BUT.
All women monkey branch to some degree at her age. This isn't uncommon.
She cheated on him with her ex multiple times at around the 2nd year of their relationship.
The 3rd year, a friend of the tattoo guy caught her making out with a bartender at a club, told the poor dude about it, but he didn't break up with her because he loved her and she told him she regretted it.
Big red flag. You are talking to much emotional girly stuff with this girl.
You need a reframe asap. This is plate material and only if its as good as you say. Again though sex is not worth so much bullshyt.
You want a compliant woman who brings VALUE to your life. Ask yourself how does she make your life more rewarding?
More experienced men would not have even got this far with her no matter how hot you think she is.
 

stringpuller

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Judging on how she acts towards me, she looks like LTR material.
My man your rationalizing part of your brain is taking you over. This is a common disease amongst men these days.
 
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oldmanofthesea

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Should I judge her on how she treats me and not on her past, or that would be really stupid?
I think it's important to give women a chance. Many of the men here, including myself, have changed a lot - worked through a lot of stuff and changed our mindsets, improved ourselves, etc. It IS possible for women to do the same thing.

However, having said that, I would say there is probably a 1% chance this girl has done any work to improve herself. Have you asked her if she's done any work on herself? That would factor into my decision (and I would pay CLOSE attention to what she says). It's a huge red flag when someone says, "I was dead inside until I met you." That is about the most codependent thing you can say to someone. I started a thread about this a couple months ago. A codependent girl like this doesn't like YOU, she is looking for any warm body to ease her pain and to project her wants and desires onto you. Once she realizes that you aren't a superhero, and that you can't fix all her pain and issues and bring her the happiness only she can bring to herself, she will cheat on you and/or dump you, just like she did with the other guys.

While there may be some truth to your ability to hold better frame than the other guys did, all you are really saying there is that you will be able to prolong the inevitable misery and ending longer than the other guys. That's actually a disadvantage because the longer you see her, the more feelings you will catch, the older you will be, and the harder it will be to move on.

This girl is plate material but you must be VERY careful. You've said it yourself you have no interest in your other plates because this girl is so much hotter and interesting to you. The question you have to ask yourself is: Can you keep seeing this girl without catching feelings and while you keep seeing other girls? I know it's a tough position to be in because girls this attractive and who you are this into don't come around often.
 

2Rocky

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My curiosity is how long has she been "treating you well"? I mean is there a time period where a woman can't keep up appearances anymore?

Is she pushing you for exclusivity?

Have you had a disagreement yet? I think that will tell you about how she deals with not getting her way.

Have you met her mother? What red flags does SHE have?

In reality none of us ever married our first love and stayed with her. Everyone has past relationships. What is important is what we learned from them.
 

D.Roger

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Big red flag. You are talking to much emotional girly stuff with this girl.
You need a reframe asap. This is plate material and only if its as good as you say. Again though sex is not worth so much bullshyt.
You want a compliant woman who brings VALUE to your life. Ask yourself how does she make your life more rewarding?
More experienced men would not have even got this far with her no matter how hot you think she is.
I didn't talk with her about this, she hasn't told me anything except for the situation with the 2 year parallel relationship.

After that I asked my friend about her and he told me everything. He worked with her as a bartender for years, was also a friend with the first LTR dude, so he knows a lot of stuff about her.

What value does she add?
So far I have a lot of fun, I feel like she really cares about me. That's it.

haha I thought I was about to catch ONEitis. Thinking about this as rationally as possible and asking for advice here was the response from my immune system.
I hope the disease won't make it any further.
 
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D.Roger

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However, having said that, I would say there is probably a 1% chance this girl has done any work to improve herself. Have you asked her if she's done any work on herself? That would factor into my decision (and I would pay CLOSE attention to what she says). It's a huge red flag when someone says, "I was dead inside until I met you." That is about the most codependent thing you can say to someone.
She told me after the break up, she wasn't interested in men, didn't feel like looking for someone, didn't want sex.
Until I came to the picture.

I actually asked her about the work on herself part.
She told me she tried to find inner piece and get over her past mistakes, get over the stress and the sadness of the break up.
She wanted to have fun with her friends and be able to be good with herself.

But I get what you are trying to say!!!
 
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D.Roger

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My curiosity is how long has she been "treating you well"? I mean is there a time period where a woman can't keep up appearances anymore?

Is she pushing you for exclusivity?

Have you had a disagreement yet? I think that will tell you about how she deals with not getting her way.

Have you met her mother? What red flags does SHE have?

In reality none of us ever married our first love and stayed with her. Everyone has past relationships. What is important is what we learned from them.
She has been treating me well for the whole month. So all this time.

No she doesn't, we didn't mention anything about exclusivity. No pressure on that part.

We had arguments about our opinion on several stuff. And I like that she is smart and challenging on that part, can hold her ground.
But she wants to always win the argument, she is always right (as she says).
Once she could not keep up with me she got angry and left for her home but apologized the day after that, she told me she gets extremely angry but she sleeps on that and she is ok the next day.
 

stringpuller

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After that I asked my friend about her and he told me everything. He worked with her as a bartender for years with her, was also a friend with her first LTR so he knows a lot of stuff about her
I missed that part. Principal remains the same. As men our full disclosure of past lovers is equally attraction killing as when they disclose their entire past.
 

Kotaix

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If you catch yourself thinking/dreaming about her then you need to take a step back and figure out why. You are losing frame if this is the case.

Ignore the future and the past and enjoy life as you have it right now, but keep your eye on the ball where your life is concerned. You can't control anything that is beyond your control, trying to do so will only cause you to lose frame and become frustrated/angry/depressed. This includes trying to control her feelings or the getting the one-itis outcome that you want.

Have some fun with her and don't look for anything beyond it. The minute that you call her your LTR or gf then you set expectations that are not likely to be matched. She should be the one to tell you she wants something long term with you, if so then great; if not then keep enjoying yourself.

Also, tattoos are a red flag.
 

D.Roger

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At first I want to say a big thank you to everyone here, you are pure gold guys.
I feel like I have a ton of big brothers that can help me and give their advice.

@Kotaix why are tattoos a red flag?
I always thought of them as cool, I have myself some.
Isn't it like dressing well or working out to look better (and be healthier)?

@stringpuller
I thought opening up about her past was a good sign...like she trusts me to do that.
Should I change my perspective?
I am sure she may present the story to look better than the truth, but why is this a huge red flag?
 

D.Roger

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Also I am thinking of this whole story and what I can get out of it.

About her 2 year parallel relationship... Is the duality in women's mating strategies at work?
She had an LTR with the beta guy/provider (the tattoo artist) and she ****ed with the alpha guy/good genes (the mma fighter)?
Why didn't she break up with the beta guy, given that the alpha one could be a better provider than him?
Maybe out of a deep fear about the nature of a man who fights? The fear that he could die and she would be left without protection.
Or maybe I am just rationalizing everything to make sense of it lol
 
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isasda66

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Also, tattoos are a red flag.
I would agree with sleeves/multiple large ones or the current tramp stamp behind the shoulder. But what about those small wrist or ankle tattoos.

Im probably biased since I think tattos on a guy are ok.
 

D.Roger

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Between her breasts, side of belly, small one on back, small one around upper arm, both feet, ankles.
Her ex (6 years LTR) is a tattoo artist
 

Kotaix

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@Kotaix why are tattoos a red flag?
I always thought of them as cool, I have myself some.
Isn't it like dressing well or working out to look better (and be healthier)?
I have a tattoo myself, but it's my own design and it's small. I'm ok with women having a few tats if they're small, not normally visible and/or meaningful. Too much and they start to look trashy and it's going to look like **** when she's 40.

Tattoos are a form of self-mutilation or permanent body modification in the same way as piercings are. Multiple visible tats that have little to no meaning are strong indicators that a woman is impulsive and doesn't think about the future. It can be an indication of crazy or attention seeking, and it's also a deliberate shot in the foot for employment opportunities.

Anecdotal evidence: One of my close friends who is starting to hit the wall just got a huge shoulder sleeve that has no meaning. She's been posting a lot about getting botox and the like. She is also very pretty.

Edit: tattoos on guys have been a thing since forever and it's not the same. I think I'm correct in saying that women with tattoos are less feminine that those who have none, but let me know if you think I'm wrong.
 
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