sageproduct
Banned
I've just realized that I've been having a lot of trouble truly connecting with people. I've spent the last year rather secluded socially. I've been so obsessed with creating this persona of who I am--a man with incorruptible honor and strong core values. Lately I've been trying to be as honest with myself and others as possible. In the past two months, I don't think I've told a single lie (besides jokes and stuff) to anyone, even to my parents, who I used to lie to about EVERYTHING. Outwards, I act extremely humble. However, just by observing my own thought process I've noticed I'm truly ****y and arrogant as fwck.
For the past year, I don't think I've truly connected with anyone a single time. You know that feeling you get when you realize you have such a close bond with someone that you guys just know on a deep level that you have shared such a huge part of your life with them? I can hardly remember what that feels like.
It's a bit of a paradox for me. When I sat down and wrote down my life goals, the things I wanted the most out of anything in life, one of my most important life goals was to make the world a better place--to make life better for other people. But when I go out and live my life, especially recently, I had to ask myself, "Do I really like people all that much?" People piss me off. They are a$$holes on the street. They are all attention *****s. They are all selfish. They are annoying. They talk about sh!t I don't care about. So why do I want to help them so much?
I felt like I was just obsessed with this image of what kind of person I am. I wanted to be a person who would take a bullet for a stranger without hesitation. I wanted to be such a strong person that I would take a bullet even for someone who I know and dislike. Almost every day I think about it, wondering if I actually would do that if the situation happened. This summer, I've volunteered once a week to help out with some thing for underpriviledged kids. Every single time, I ask myself whether I truly give a sh!t about those kids, or if I'm just doing it to promote that image of that superhero I want to be. It seems like the latter is true.
Lately I've been detached as fwck from everybody I know. Every social interaction, I've noticed that I'm more focused on finding out how I could benefit from "having good relations" with that person than just vibing and having a good time.
If someone asked me to name my best friends right now, I would have a hard time after naming two. Now, I've determined that there are three people in the entire world that I trust on the deepest level to do the right thing. I, myself, am one of them. The other two are the two guys who I would consider are the two best friends I have. My parents are FAR from making that list anytime soon. Now these two friends--I live half an hour away from them and only see them once a month. I've known one since I was about 13 and the other since I was about 15 or 16. I'm pretty sure they have a much closer bond with each other than I do with either of them. They went to the same high school. I HIGHLY DOUBT they would consider me a "best friend". I would guess maybe top 5, but definitely not #1 and #2 closest people like they are to me.
All my life friends have come and gone. In kindergarten to 3rd grade, I had one best friend. I had no other friends. I was the only person at his birthday party. Then, my parents found out he had "only" average grades and told me not to associate with him. I ditched him and became friends with another asian kid who was really smart. See, my entire childhood my dad always stressed that you should always have friendships that benefit you in some way. Other than that, friends are a waste of time and are "just to talk", as he would say. So 4th and 5th grade, this asian kid was my best friend. I had no other friends.
Middle school started in 6th grade. I met another REALLY nerdy white kid who I became pretty good friends with. (I was considered smart and got really good grades, up to about junior year in high school) Pretty much ditched the asian kid. Talked to the nerdy kid all the time in 6th and 7th grade. Then in 8th grade I found out how much of a nerd he was and how uncool it was to be talking to him, so I ditched him. Then I became friends with another kid who wasn't a genius or anythig but was in all the smart classes with me. I talked to him all the time at school because he was the only person I could talk to about all the perverted sh1t going on in my mind.
Then was freshman year of high school. I decided the kid from 8th grade was too perverted, so I started avoiding him completely. He tried to talk to me a few times but I just acted real cold and blew him off. We hardly ever talked again. I sat at lunch with that asian kid from elementary school every day because I had no one else to sit with. Halfway through the year, the popular kids invited me to sit at their table because they liked me for some reason so I did and ditched the asian kid.
That summer, I started hanging out with a couple guys. One was a REALLY social person who really helped me get out of my shell. The other few were the beginnings of the main friend group I had in high school. We played video games a few times together. Sophomore year started. For a while, it was me and three other guys playing video games every weekend. The really social guy stopped hanging out with me because I was a social dead-end to him (we basically went on man dates every time we hung out).
Near the end of sophomore year, for the first time I had a female friend. I started talking to her because she had a crush on one of the guys in my little group. She brought a few girls to the group, and we started hanging out ALL the time. We had some fwcking great times, and it was the happiest summer of my life because I had friends for the first time.
For the next couple years, our group kind of shapeshifted here and there, but the core remained the same. I was actually one of the leaders of the group who always decided what we did and lead the scene socially. When I got my license, I made SURE to be as good of a friend as I could by always driving people as much as I could without ever asking for gas money.
I think after a while I became a bit of a sh!tty friend who got ****y and tyrannical. I started ripping on people a little bit TOO much, and people got sick of my leadership and decision-making. When other people made decisions or assumed leadership, I wouldn't like it. I wouldn't say anything, but I would just not have a good time.
So, about a year ago I was pretty much uprooted from my main group. It happened kind of gradually. I started enjoying our hangouts less and less. They started talking more and more about sh!t I didn't care about. I would start denying hang outs in favor of just chilling at home by myself. I think the final blow was when I set up a few couples for homecoming, and they found it insulting or something because they felt it was like me saying they couldn't get a date on their own.
So the past year I've lived without a group of friends. I've hung out a few times with my two best friends who live half an hour away and their group of friends, and it's been fun, but every time I'm there I know I'm not really a part of their group.
My life though, really kind of reverted back to how it was freshman year--spending the weekend nights alone at home playing computer games. All the time, I was telling myself I didn't need my friends, and telling myself how strong and independent of a man I was.
Nowadays, I just find it hard to relate about people and truly care about them. Honestly, losing my friends a year ago was kind of painful. There was a period of about a month were almost no one ever texted me. The only texts I got were score alerts from espn, and I had to cancel those because my heart just sank when every time I heard my phone ring I thought it was a text. They would upload pictures of them doing sh!t and having fun on facebook without me, and it would remind me of all the fwcking good times we had. Even though I didn't really like them anymore and didn't hae fun with them anymore, there was no denying the great times that we DID have. Maybe this has been my mind's way of coping--naturally detaching myself from other people and not letting me "like" them.
My whole family is socially disfunctional. My parents have literally no friends. No one they knew from before ever calls or visits. My dad has buddies that he plays tennis with, but there is no friendship there at all. Anytime one of my friends did a favor for me and I told my parents about it, they would marvel at how unusual it was for someone to do something for someone else. My younger sister is cool as hell, yet she struggles to make friends. She has a group that she's associated with at school, but she tells me how they just bore her to death and she doesn't want to be with them. She spends her weekends alone at home watching anime. I know she's not a freak or anything. I know for a fact that people like her, yet she doesn't really seem to have friends.
EDIT: This is deeper than just plain social skills. I know how to talk to people. I am EXTREMELY confident talking to strangers. I don't complain or run my mouth or bore people to death about mundane details of my own life. People who know me tell me they love me because I am chill as fwck and don't give a fwck about anything. I just know that lately, if people were to describe me, I'm pretty sure no one would say that I'm an extremely fun person or that they have a very close bond with me.
For the past year, I don't think I've truly connected with anyone a single time. You know that feeling you get when you realize you have such a close bond with someone that you guys just know on a deep level that you have shared such a huge part of your life with them? I can hardly remember what that feels like.
It's a bit of a paradox for me. When I sat down and wrote down my life goals, the things I wanted the most out of anything in life, one of my most important life goals was to make the world a better place--to make life better for other people. But when I go out and live my life, especially recently, I had to ask myself, "Do I really like people all that much?" People piss me off. They are a$$holes on the street. They are all attention *****s. They are all selfish. They are annoying. They talk about sh!t I don't care about. So why do I want to help them so much?
I felt like I was just obsessed with this image of what kind of person I am. I wanted to be a person who would take a bullet for a stranger without hesitation. I wanted to be such a strong person that I would take a bullet even for someone who I know and dislike. Almost every day I think about it, wondering if I actually would do that if the situation happened. This summer, I've volunteered once a week to help out with some thing for underpriviledged kids. Every single time, I ask myself whether I truly give a sh!t about those kids, or if I'm just doing it to promote that image of that superhero I want to be. It seems like the latter is true.
Lately I've been detached as fwck from everybody I know. Every social interaction, I've noticed that I'm more focused on finding out how I could benefit from "having good relations" with that person than just vibing and having a good time.
If someone asked me to name my best friends right now, I would have a hard time after naming two. Now, I've determined that there are three people in the entire world that I trust on the deepest level to do the right thing. I, myself, am one of them. The other two are the two guys who I would consider are the two best friends I have. My parents are FAR from making that list anytime soon. Now these two friends--I live half an hour away from them and only see them once a month. I've known one since I was about 13 and the other since I was about 15 or 16. I'm pretty sure they have a much closer bond with each other than I do with either of them. They went to the same high school. I HIGHLY DOUBT they would consider me a "best friend". I would guess maybe top 5, but definitely not #1 and #2 closest people like they are to me.
All my life friends have come and gone. In kindergarten to 3rd grade, I had one best friend. I had no other friends. I was the only person at his birthday party. Then, my parents found out he had "only" average grades and told me not to associate with him. I ditched him and became friends with another asian kid who was really smart. See, my entire childhood my dad always stressed that you should always have friendships that benefit you in some way. Other than that, friends are a waste of time and are "just to talk", as he would say. So 4th and 5th grade, this asian kid was my best friend. I had no other friends.
Middle school started in 6th grade. I met another REALLY nerdy white kid who I became pretty good friends with. (I was considered smart and got really good grades, up to about junior year in high school) Pretty much ditched the asian kid. Talked to the nerdy kid all the time in 6th and 7th grade. Then in 8th grade I found out how much of a nerd he was and how uncool it was to be talking to him, so I ditched him. Then I became friends with another kid who wasn't a genius or anythig but was in all the smart classes with me. I talked to him all the time at school because he was the only person I could talk to about all the perverted sh1t going on in my mind.
Then was freshman year of high school. I decided the kid from 8th grade was too perverted, so I started avoiding him completely. He tried to talk to me a few times but I just acted real cold and blew him off. We hardly ever talked again. I sat at lunch with that asian kid from elementary school every day because I had no one else to sit with. Halfway through the year, the popular kids invited me to sit at their table because they liked me for some reason so I did and ditched the asian kid.
That summer, I started hanging out with a couple guys. One was a REALLY social person who really helped me get out of my shell. The other few were the beginnings of the main friend group I had in high school. We played video games a few times together. Sophomore year started. For a while, it was me and three other guys playing video games every weekend. The really social guy stopped hanging out with me because I was a social dead-end to him (we basically went on man dates every time we hung out).
Near the end of sophomore year, for the first time I had a female friend. I started talking to her because she had a crush on one of the guys in my little group. She brought a few girls to the group, and we started hanging out ALL the time. We had some fwcking great times, and it was the happiest summer of my life because I had friends for the first time.
For the next couple years, our group kind of shapeshifted here and there, but the core remained the same. I was actually one of the leaders of the group who always decided what we did and lead the scene socially. When I got my license, I made SURE to be as good of a friend as I could by always driving people as much as I could without ever asking for gas money.
I think after a while I became a bit of a sh!tty friend who got ****y and tyrannical. I started ripping on people a little bit TOO much, and people got sick of my leadership and decision-making. When other people made decisions or assumed leadership, I wouldn't like it. I wouldn't say anything, but I would just not have a good time.
So, about a year ago I was pretty much uprooted from my main group. It happened kind of gradually. I started enjoying our hangouts less and less. They started talking more and more about sh!t I didn't care about. I would start denying hang outs in favor of just chilling at home by myself. I think the final blow was when I set up a few couples for homecoming, and they found it insulting or something because they felt it was like me saying they couldn't get a date on their own.
So the past year I've lived without a group of friends. I've hung out a few times with my two best friends who live half an hour away and their group of friends, and it's been fun, but every time I'm there I know I'm not really a part of their group.
My life though, really kind of reverted back to how it was freshman year--spending the weekend nights alone at home playing computer games. All the time, I was telling myself I didn't need my friends, and telling myself how strong and independent of a man I was.
Nowadays, I just find it hard to relate about people and truly care about them. Honestly, losing my friends a year ago was kind of painful. There was a period of about a month were almost no one ever texted me. The only texts I got were score alerts from espn, and I had to cancel those because my heart just sank when every time I heard my phone ring I thought it was a text. They would upload pictures of them doing sh!t and having fun on facebook without me, and it would remind me of all the fwcking good times we had. Even though I didn't really like them anymore and didn't hae fun with them anymore, there was no denying the great times that we DID have. Maybe this has been my mind's way of coping--naturally detaching myself from other people and not letting me "like" them.
My whole family is socially disfunctional. My parents have literally no friends. No one they knew from before ever calls or visits. My dad has buddies that he plays tennis with, but there is no friendship there at all. Anytime one of my friends did a favor for me and I told my parents about it, they would marvel at how unusual it was for someone to do something for someone else. My younger sister is cool as hell, yet she struggles to make friends. She has a group that she's associated with at school, but she tells me how they just bore her to death and she doesn't want to be with them. She spends her weekends alone at home watching anime. I know she's not a freak or anything. I know for a fact that people like her, yet she doesn't really seem to have friends.
EDIT: This is deeper than just plain social skills. I know how to talk to people. I am EXTREMELY confident talking to strangers. I don't complain or run my mouth or bore people to death about mundane details of my own life. People who know me tell me they love me because I am chill as fwck and don't give a fwck about anything. I just know that lately, if people were to describe me, I'm pretty sure no one would say that I'm an extremely fun person or that they have a very close bond with me.
