I want to be a father one day...

[Fruitbat]

Find a woman from a culture which still promotes marriage as a norm, shuns female promiscuity, female drinking culture and shames divorce.

I would think very, very hard about marrying a western woman. A hot western women, no way Jose.

You really do need to be a couple of rungs above to marry in this culture. lets say your woman is the usual bait and switch western narcisstic woman raised on SATC nonsense, if you’re several leagues above then she’ll always want to keep you. On the other hand, you may find a woman who wishes to dominate you and can’t cope with the risk of you cheating. If you’re happy with that deal, you prob won’t get divorced but you’ll never have a good marriage.

outside of the west, there are legions of women who don’t get child support, welfare, leg ups in the workplace or social acceptance if she fvcks around and then blames it on her husband. Regardless of the fact she may get this here, it’s dialled into theDNA.
The best thing you can do as a western man is stick a finger up to this horrific modern version of female empowerment and take what talents you have and employ them with someone who wants the same things you do.

It makes me laugh so hard as I did this and married a girl from the Far East (an educated girl - no mail order stuff) and all my middle class friends were “you’ll get used in a divorce!” “She can’t want you for you”!

we have all these stereotypes but they are mainly false. Fair enough if you’re 65 and she’s 19 perhaps. If you’re of similar ages, and both in reasonable league, then it’s total nonsense. I see the same people being totally run by their wives and GF while I really enjoy my life together. Sex is still great post kids and 2 years into marriage - never been turned done once. Not once. She doesn’t spend my money and thinks about the same way I do - plan for tomorrow.

so, if you want a good marriage, get someone who culturally wants a good marriage.

Im sure there are decent women here, but I never found one, and it’s increasingly difficult the older you get.

 

[TheProspect]

I was listening to Tim Ferriss's podcast this morning and he was interviewing Jordan Peterson.

He asked Jordan Peterson,
"How would you recommend someone construct or find meaning, if they reached the pinnacle of competence in a certain area?"

Adding to the question, Ferriss mentioned he asked a friend the same question and his friend half-jokingly responded, "Well at some point you either have to find God or have kids, and having kids is easier, so I had kids."

I found it a very thought-provoking question.

If you've reached the pinnacle in a certain domain, how do you continue to derive meaning from it? You can create new rationalizations into somehow doing so, but taken to it's logical conclusion, once competence and the corresponding meaning has been optimized in that domain you'll eventually have to find a new domain. And that was similar to Peterson's answer. If you really think about it, there's a lot of truth to it.

Now I'm not insinuating that men should seek to have kids in order to derive meaning in their life, but it makes sense when they are pulled in that direction after exhausting other areas of their live in which they derived meaning previously (career, self-growth, achievements, etc).

I don't think finding meaning in life has to be limited to one thing for your entire life. I believe where we can derive meaning in life is fluid and subject to change as we grow and priorities change. I know that has been the case for me.

I think the important thing is just finding meaning today. In other words, to live your life with meaning, everyday. Meaning gives us a reason to live, and to endure the inevitable hard times throws at us. It gives us motivation to become and to behave as the best versions of ourselves.


And that sort of brings my intention of creating this thread to a conclusion and wraps it up for me:

I have found meaning in my life right now. And right now it doesn't include having kids. Down the line, however, I see myself deriving value from fatherhood.

Will it be an inevitability? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know.
Will I still continue to find meaning elsewhere if it doesn't happen? Certainly.

I do want to be a father one day. I know I will find value in it if that chapter begins. I know I will find meaning in it. And if and when that chapter ends, despite the risks and fear-based thinking many have shared here, I know at the end of my life I will be at peace having made that decision.

 

[Lookatu]

I have found meaning in my life right now. And right now it doesn't include having kids. Down the line, however, I see myself deriving value from fatherhood.

I do want to be a father one day.

I'm glad you're able to come to peace and have some answers for yourself.

The biggest thing you can do right now is to look for someone with potential of having kids with. Many people(guys and girls) try to put the cart before the horse or try to rush things out of desperation(hence one of the reasons for high divorce). It's better to find a good person that you could have kids with later on first as a priority, regardless if you want to have them now or not.

I see so many guys and girls these days just wasting away their days on sub-par partners or bf/gf's. They don't really plan for the future IMO and continue on the vicious cycle of mediocracy or debauchery with no end goal in sight. My $.02

 

[TheProspect]

I'm glad you're able to come to peace and have some answers for yourself.

The biggest thing you can do right now is to look for someone with potential of having kids with. Many people(guys and girls) try to put the cart before the horse or try to rush things out of desperation(hence one of the reasons for high divorce). It's better to find a good person that you could have kids with later on first as a priority, regardless if you want to have them now or not.

I see so many guys and girls these days just wasting away their days on sub-par partners or bf/gf's. They don't really plan for the future IMO and continue on the vicious cycle of mediocracy or debauchery with no end goal in sight. My $.02

I see what you're saying and agree with you for the most part.

I also like @BeExcellent's order of priorities (Lover > Partner > Mother), and so I think I shouldn't ignore the first two if it meant finding someone who only had potential to fit the third.

I screen for compatibility anyway (such as sexual chemistry and companionship, among other things), and if a woman isn't a fit in those aspects than I don't foresee raising a kid with her. It would seem to bring more trouble than value and meaning lol. As I mentioned, it's not the end of my life if I don't become a father.

I will find someone I have sexual desire for. If we're compatible beyond the bedroom, then I could consider her as my partner and perhaps accept an LTR when she asks for exclusivity. After an indefinite amount of time, if the desire and compatibility are still there, I may then consider having a kid with her.

This could be a few years away or 10-15 years away. I don't want to rush the process, if it happens. I have plans for the next few years that occupy my ambitions anyway and they have nothing to do with women, so I am content deferring fatherhood at this point...

Sure, I'll still entertain options and candidates, but having a kid won't be a focus for me anytime soon.

 

[Lookatu]

I see what you're saying and agree with you for the most part.

I also like @BeExcellent's order of priorities (Lover > Partner > Mother), and so I think I shouldn't ignore the first two if it meant finding someone who only had potential to fit the third.

This is how it should be and I agree. She has to always start out as a good lover first. If not, it won't last IMO.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

1. Young men who want to stay on the pu$$y carousel and not have kids
2. Older guys, often dads, who have been divorce-raped; they love their kids but wouldn't care to repeat the process
3. Guys mid 20s to late 40s who are open to the idea of kids in theory but are often terrified because of the lousy women they have dated
4. Guys of any age who generally aren't interested in kids - personal preference

You forgot:
5.) Guys mid 20s to late 40s who are open to the idea of kids in theory but are often terrified because the legal system in the western countries is stacked hardly against men and is strongly favoring women in family law.

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

... but my biggest concern in life is having a kid with the wrong woman. How do I handle this desire given my concern?

I'm 26 years old, and ever since my nephew was born ten years ago and spent the first 2 years of life in the same house as me, I've wanted to raise a kid of my own one day.


I'm not in a rush to have a kid, I'm only 26, but if I ended up dating a woman for long enough who had ideal motherly qualities and the compatibility to be a long-term partner, I wouldn't be against having one in a few years. I have 1 year of university left so I'd like to finish that and have a few years making money before I settle down with someone.

I know there's a few guys on this forum who've got married, or had a kid with a woman, and it didn't work out (perhaps it was an amicable split or the guy simply knocked up an idiot with a vag!na), but they still are proud to be a father nonetheless. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 and there will always be uncertainty, but I'd like to have the mom in the picture to raise the kid alongside me.

I'm not really interested in marriage or finding a unicorn, but I feel two married individuals who are on the same page on parenting would provide the best environment for a kid to grow up in, and for that reason, I would consider marriage.

I've been with a decent amount of women already by age 26, and the novelty and conquest of new women is starting to wear off. Sex alone doesn't interest me anymore. Most women I've met are the furthest thing from intellectually stimulating, with the ones worth the companionship are few and far between...

I guess there's a worry within me that I won't come across a woman worth having a kid with, however, living in that mind-set seems unproductive and like it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But my fear to have a kid with the WRONG woman is so much stronger than my desire to have a kid to begin with, I'd probably just opt out if I don't find an ideal woman.


At the end of the day, having a kid isn't my purpose or sole ambition in life, so if it doesn't happen because I don't find a suitable mate, then so be it. I wouldn't settle for having a kid with sh!tty woman and let that be my life for 18 years.


TL;DR ... I want to be a father and raise my own kid one day. Wondering the smartest way to approach this desire given the current marketplace and female proclivities these days. In no rush, and I'm not willing to sacrifice on the quality of a woman just for the sake of having a kid, so I can accept it if it doesn't happen... although I really look forward to potential fatherhood. Thoughts?

so you want to be purple pill, you know women's nature but you are willing to risk it.
there is nothing wrong with that its in a mans biology to find a sexy , healthy woman to have a family with.
but tbh if you really want a family its gonna take risk , my 29 years of life taught me that its not worth the risk. there is no rush to having a family commitment, you're only 26 , i would wait to 30 , 35 and then consider. i seen too many bf's get cheated on, too many faithful husbands get taken advantage of financially and get cheated on , dads get cheated on. women are savage, they are the gatekeepers to sex,if you are clueless they will cheat on you in a heartbeat and wont lose a wink of sleep over it. at the end of the day a family is a business venture , a lifetime financial commitment and emotional commitment , once she has you in this spot she now has control you are tied for life. think this through before you make your decision.

edit: not trying to be pessimistic here , but the truth is ugly. a family juice is just not worth the squeeze.
been there done that. and it doesnt end well . most of those families you see
those guys are going through **** because they are sacrificing their own happiness for the health of their kids, which i respect. but its a good chance behind closed doors its not all good.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

you're only 26 , i would wait to 30 , 35

There only problem with that is that it way more fun to be a young dad than a old fart dad.
It's way more attractive both for yourself and your kid/kids. I was lucky to have young parents that got me and my bigger brother in their very early twenties and its something I personally appreciate a lot.

But people's mentality around the concept of a family and the environment from that time has changed a lot from back then and I do agree there the whole thing is a real issue and high risk these days and which is why I haven't done it so far.

 

[bat soup]

... but my biggest concern in life is having a kid with the wrong woman. How do I handle this desire given my concern?

Choose a girl from the Maury show. One that is 1000% sure who the father is. I don't think you can get more sure than that.

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

There only problem with that is that it way more fun to be a young dad than a old fart dad.
It's way more attractive both for yourself and your kid/kids. I was lucky to have young parents that got me and my bigger brother in their very early twenties and its something I personally appreciate a lot.

But people's mentality around the concept of a family and the environment from that time has changed a lot from back then and I do agree there the whole thing is a real issue and high risk these days and which is why I haven't done it so far.

whole thing is just not worth it fool, 9 times out of 10 your father had issues you never even knew about cause he sacrificed for you

 

[AureliusMaximus]

whole thing is just not worth it fool

There is no reason to be disrespectful dude. Keep the tone civil here in the forums.

 

[deBrito]

Helio Gracie did a Playboy interview back in 2001, this is just a part of it.


PLAYBOY: Going to a more agreeable subject, is jiu-jitsu favorable to sex?

HELIO: I can say that I've never had sex with a woman without the purpose of reproduction. I also taught that to my sons and various grand-sons. Never were fags When I was younger I could have had a big succession of women, I was considered a national celebrity, and all young girls were interested in me. I would give them a little kiss, a hug, go around with them but I wouldn't go too far. I always had will power.. When they wanted to get more heavy, I would quickly ask them if they wanted to have my children, because for me that was all I wanted were children. That stopped them right away [laughs].

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

There is no reason to be disrespectful dude. Keep the tone civil here in the forums.

relax bro its just slang! no disrespect intended brother

 

[Lookatu]

most of those families you see
those guys are going through **** because they are sacrificing their own happiness for the health of their kids, which i respect. but its a good chance behind closed doors its not all good.

I have 3 kids 11,10,7 and I strongly believe both parents should be making sacrifices for the well being of the kids. If they are not, they are not good parents IMO. Kids are our investment and legacy.

The same thing can be said of both husband and wife. They both have duties and have to make certain sacrifices at times. If they don't, they are not good wives or husbands. Wives should be doing what's necessary to please the husband. The husband should be doing what is necessary to please the wife. Both should be doing what's necessary to make sure the kids have a good life.

In either a relationship or with family, you have to put your selfishness aside as it's not all about you no longer. People just don't get that these days.

What I find these days is people place more importance on self happiness and totally neglect the duty aspect of it. There needs to be a balance just like it has been in the past. My $.02

 

[TheProspect]

Bump.
Curious to hear the perspectives and experiences of the newer members on this topic.

I was 26 when I created this thread over 3 years ago. I'm turning 30 this year. Still no kids.

While I still want to be a father one day, I have less desire to do so. Perhaps due to a somewhat pessimistic view that I won't meet the ideal candidate to start a family with. Which leaves me pondering, should I just be willing to settle for "good enough"?

As I mentioned previously in the thread, I am ultimately good with or without becoming a father. I think it's important for every man to find meaning in his life outside of spreading his seed and raising kids. That being said, it would definitely bring a new kind of meaning to my life when I have a child of my own some day, a kind of meaning that I would welcome, and I guess somewhere deep down long for...

... but that longing gets extinguished when I think of the absolute hell it could be having kids with someone who turns out to be the wrong woman. The horror stories I've seen and read on SoSuave alone stir up a bit of fear in me in that regard I suppose... and fears often become self-fulfilling prophecies. How does one navigate that?

And just like that, I am back to the train of thought I was in when I originally posted this thread.

 

[2Rocky]

Being a Father (speaking as someone who has been one for 25 years) is the ultimate in being a leader. I think most fathers learn that on the job rather than having that skill as a prerequisite. But women who want to have a family with a man will recognize the potential in that man's actions.

As to how to find the right woman to create that family with , It is a matter of living the life you want your family to have, and women who are of the same mindset will be there and make themselves readily apparent. Lead by example and follow your dreams . Even if no one "follows" go do it on your own and you will be surprised who you will meet along the way. I think you will find that when that happens you will feel more ready, because you have demonstrated to yourself that you are capable.

 

[CBear]

Bump.
Curious to hear the perspectives and experiences of the newer members on this topic.

I was 26 when I created this thread over 3 years ago. I'm turning 30 this year. Still no kids.

While I still want to be a father one day, I have less desire to do so. Perhaps due to a somewhat pessimistic view that I won't meet the ideal candidate to start a family with. Which leaves me pondering, should I just be willing to settle for "good enough"?

As I mentioned previously in the thread, I am ultimately good with or without becoming a father. I think it's important for every man to find meaning in his life outside of spreading his seed and raising kids. That being said, it would definitely bring a new kind of meaning to my life when I have a child of my own some day, a kind of meaning that I would welcome, and I guess somewhere deep down long for...

... but that longing gets extinguished when I think of the absolute hell it could be having kids with someone who turns out to be the wrong woman. The horror stories I've seen and read on SoSuave alone stir up a bit of fear in me in that regard I suppose... and fears often become self-fulfilling prophecies. How does one navigate that?

And just like that, I am back to the train of thought I was in when I originally posted this thread.

I think the problem with the new generation is they're told and convinced that their 20s is for "fun" or "experimenting". This is wrong. Once you develop good judgement, as an example, if you find a good woman at age 23, don't throw that away. I hear guys who are in their 30s who have many regrets due to looking the other way because they thought that they'd have more time or options, like many women experience, nowadays. Others avoid women altogether because they think they'll come later. Plus having kids later in life can really screw up your relationship with your kids. Having said that, I think it's just as important to not dive in too deep too early (18-21). The big determinant is finding a woman that fits your standards. But my point is if you get that earlier, don't say no to it.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

I can only speak of my own experience and the mistake I made in choosing the wrong person to invest my life in. I've seen others that have had successful parenting lives in the world and here on SS, but my own was beyond difficult and had such an impact that the repercussions are with me to this day.

This is an excerpt from my first thread here:

"Years ago I was a good looking man with a decent job and a part time music career, no major hits but performed regularly and had no problems meeting women. I gave most of that up to marry beautiful woman and have a child, who turned out to be the wrong person to invest my life in. This led to divorce, 7 court battles, 3 states jurisdictions, child abduction, parental alienation, and ultimately estrangement. I spent the last 20 years, almost every penny I made, put all of my personal relationships as 2nd priority, fighting to be part of my child's life and ended up with less than nothing but emotional scars."


I don't want to throw fear tactics at you, but choosing the right person to invest your life in is one of the toughest decisions a man can make, and I'll admit I didn't do well with that decision.

I may be one of the extreme cases and not the norm, but it can at least point out what's at stake and how bad things can turn.

Best wishes on your path.

 

[CBear]

I can only speak of my own experience and the mistake I made in choosing the wrong person to invest my life in. I've seen others that have had successful parenting lives in the world and here on SS, but my own was beyond difficult and had such an impact that the repercussions are with me to this day.

This is an excerpt from my first thread here:

"Years ago I was a good looking man with a decent job and a part time music career, no major hits but performed regularly and had no problems meeting women. I gave most of that up to marry beautiful woman and have a child, who turned out to be the wrong person to invest my life in. This led to divorce, 7 court battles, 3 states jurisdictions, child abduction, parental alienation, and ultimately estrangement. I spent the last 20 years, almost every penny I made, put all of my personal relationships as 2nd priority, fighting to be part of my child's life and ended up with less than nothing but emotional scars."


I don't want to throw fear tactics at you, but choosing the right person to invest your life in is one of the toughest decisions a man can make, and I'll admit I didn't do well with that decision.

I may be one of the extreme cases and not the norm, but it can at least point out what's at stake and how bad things can turn.

Best wishes on your path.

Agreed. This is why I think it's absolutely vital to develop good judgement as a man. One has to look at all words, actions, details, family behaviors, past, etc of the woman. You can't just pick or settle for any one. Specificity is so important when looking for a long term partner

 

[2Rocky]

my own experience and the mistake I made in choosing the wrong person to invest my life in.

Oh I may have met the wrong person for a lifetime, but we made some pretty damn good kids. I'd say for the first 10 years she was the right partner but I grew and she didn't. Remember you can't rewrite the past but you can author the next chapter.