I think that I just royally f'ed up

[gettinit]

Cool girl, attractive, smart, ambitious, life in order, has standards, lots in common. She got out of a few year long relationship a few months ago and I met her soon after it ended. We have had some tension going for a while and I have held back since I didn't want to be the rebound guy and have been dating others. When out, I would constantly catch her looking my way and we would inevitably end up hanging out together. She is always in my space and no I don't act like her gay friend. I don't kiss her ass and tease the crap out of her. She never talks about other men or her ex to me, though she does to others.

A few weeks ago, I showed up at the pub and she was with a date. I just said hello and went about my business and peripherally could tell that she was keeping her eye on me. The feeling in the pit of my stomach made me realize that I REALLY like her. This girl is the first in a long time that I just simply like and although I would love to get in her pants, its not my main focus for a change. Yeah, a bit of oneitis, but for me its not common and I don't live every day just trying to get laid. To try and get my head straight, I decided to avoid close situations for a while, not initiate texts and if she initiates, just keep my answers short and closed ended. If she is sitting next to a mutual friend, I sit next to the mutual friend instead of her. I was never rude or ignored her, but just didn't get flirty and treated her like anyone else. She apparently noticed.

I was out last night and ran into her with a friend of hers and again, just said hello, kept it short and went on and chatted with others. The shots started flowing and having not eaten much, I got pretty buzzed, so I decided to step outside for a bit and sat out on the deck. So, she comes out, sits down, we start talking and the subject turns to me apparently acting cold towards her. As much as I tried to tease her and play it off as being her imagination, she wouldn't let it go. I don't remember exactly what she said, but in response and probably due to my buzzed condition, I blurted out: "because I like you too much". I have never in my life wished more to be able to suck words right back in. After a pause, she replied, "I like you too" and paused as if thinking of what to say next. As if on cue, it started pouring rain and we went back inside. Her friend had to go soon after that and she was her friends ride, so that was the end of that.

I really don't know how to proceed from here. I know that those few words may have destroyed any tension that was there and left me wondering if a "but" was coming after the "I like you too".

I know, I know.. spin other plates. I plan to.

I think that I just sank the ship with her before it left the dock and am not sure if there is a next move. My thoughts are to just continue as I was and see if she brings up the big elephant in the room.

Any and all advice to the contrary would be appreciated.

 

[samspade]

Cool girl, attractive, smart, ambitious, life in order, has standards, lots in common. She got out of a few year long relationship a few months ago and I met her soon after it ended. We have had some tension going for a while and I have held back since I didn't want to be the rebound guy and have been dating others. When out, I would constantly catch her looking my way and we would inevitably end up hanging out together. She is always in my space and no I don't act like her gay friend. I don't kiss her ass and tease the crap out of her. She never talks about other men or her ex to me, though she does to others.

A few weeks ago, I showed up at the pub and she was with a date. I just said hello and went about my business and peripherally could tell that she was keeping her eye on me. The feeling in the pit of my stomach made me realize that I REALLY like her. This girl is the first in a long time that I just simply like and although I would love to get in her pants, its not my main focus for a change. Yeah, a bit of oneitis, but for me its not common and I don't live every day just trying to get laid. To try and get my head straight, I decided to avoid close situations for a while, not initiate texts and if she initiates, just keep my answers short and closed ended. If she is sitting next to a mutual friend, I sit next to the mutual friend instead of her. I was never rude or ignored her, but just didn't get flirty and treated her like anyone else. She apparently noticed.

I was out last night and ran into her with a friend of hers and again, just said hello, kept it short and went on and chatted with others. The shots started flowing and having not eaten much, I got pretty buzzed, so I decided to step outside for a bit and sat out on the deck. So, she comes out, sits down, we start talking and the subject turns to me apparently acting cold towards her. As much as I tried to tease her and play it off as being her imagination, she wouldn't let it go. I don't remember exactly what she said, but in response and probably due to my buzzed condition, I blurted out: "because I like you too much". I have never in my life wished more to be able to suck words right back in. After a pause, she replied, "I like you too" and paused as if thinking of what to say next. As if on cue, it started pouring rain and we went back inside. Her friend had to go soon after that and she was her friends ride, so that was the end of that.

I really don't know how to proceed from here. I know that those few words may have destroyed any tension that was there and left me wondering if a "but" was coming after the "I like you too".

I know, I know.. spin other plates. I plan to.

I think that I just sank the ship with her before it left the dock and am not sure if there is a next move. My thoughts are to just continue as I was and see if she brings up the big elephant in the room.

Any and all advice to the contrary would be appreciated.

Yeah, you messed up. You shouldn't have said that. But lighten up, it's not that bad.

She said it back and you had a moment where you could have kissed her. That was a bigger mess-up, really. But again, don't beat yourself up. We've all frozen at some point.

Your only recourse is to pull back. If you try to take the words back, or try to add to them, you'll make it worse.

And yes you should look around for other plates. Oneitis can happen to anyone but it goes away pretty quickly if you start hanging out with/sleeping with other women.

You CAN eventually seduce her, but for now you'll have to just play it cool.

 

[SoSuave666]

All these silly posts can be figured out quite simply. You haven’t fvcked her yet and you don’t really know her. How can you like her? Because she looks nice? Girls have been told they are liked due to looks by soooooo many dudes. You are now one of those dudes.

If women knew how seriously some of you guys take them they would die from laughter.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Forrest Gump game! I love you Jen-nay!

You just gotta laugh it off. Yes, that was a dumb thing to say, but letting it eat you up is worse. Hell, continue to act the same way as you did previously. That is an interesting push-pull angle. Go with it and see what happens. I think that is all you can do.

 

[sosousage]

OP is beta soyboy with oneitis

 

[user43770]

Hell, continue to act the same way as you did previously. That is an interesting push-pull angle. Go with it and see what happens. I think that is all you can do.

Hell yeah. Act like it never happened.

 

[gettinit]

Haha..
Me and Jen-nay goes together like peas and carrots!
Seriously though, no love here.. just an attraction without any delusions of fairy tale endings. As far as being "another one of those guys", I'm not even close to orbiting. She has a few and I'm not about to join the ranks of those buying her drinks and food. She buys ME drinks, never even glances at her phone when hanging with me and makes sure that I know that she is around. If she does something that doesn't sit well with me, I let her know. She respects it and doesn't do it again. So, who is orbiting who?

OK then, a push pull experiment it is and those words never left my mouth. Business as usual and I'll just see what plays out. As I had said, possible rebound on her end and I don't want to take a shot right now anyway. As most of us already know, that usually (and sometimes quickly) leads to a dead end.

As far as beta, if your only goal isn't to club them over the head and screw them as soon as physically possible before/without any mental connection at all, you are beta?
Whatever. Might as well just get a hooker.

Thanks all for the feedback.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

I disagree with everyone else. I think it’s fine what you said. Truly. Just drive on. That’s the key. You have established now that you like each other. Awesome! Now be direct and ask her out.

“I’m heading over to xyz on Saturday night. You should come kick it with me.” Or something similar that suits your vibe.

Quit Monday morning quarterbacking what you said. It’s out there, it’s fine, it’s actually in this case a good thing since she thought you were cold/cool toward her.

As a woman I find it completely a turn off when a man is too aloof (rooted in fear) to be masculine, take charge and put himself out there. Ask me out dammit, give me something to work with & respond to. Otherwise you come off weak & wishy washy. No bueno.

But you can stop the self flagellation at this point. Be a man. Act. Ask her out. All this twisting around in your head is the problem. Moreso than what you said.

And come back & tell us what happened.

 

[redskinsfan92]

You are idealizing/idolizing her in your head

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

OP if you post a thread on SS asking what you should do and claiming you 'royally fuucked up' when it sounds super trivial to the rest of us, even the women, don't you think you're over invested emotionally? What is this talk about really liking her when you haven't even kissed her yet? A woman should be trying to talk YOU into a relationship, not the other way around. What if she just wants to ride your big curly dong? She should be riding that dong trying to tie YOU down cuz you're having a ton of fun in life and don't even think about settling down. If you can't lay the pipe then go work on yourself until you're a pipe laying machine. Women love to work for a guy to make him emotional. The masculine man can talk about emotions openly and honestly because he's a mountain and isn't phased by her. He never cries or gets supper sappy with a woman, that'll just dry her pusssy up. Doesn't matter if you're in an LTR or ONS.

She will always try to make you emotional, that's how she gets power over you. Your job is to never surrender your agency to her. She is fun to you, that's it. You judge whether she's trying to give you good emotions or bad. If good then cool have fun. If bad then that's a red flag and should turn you off, check or dipset.

Quit reading so far into it and quit acting so feminine. Have fun! The best relationships happen effortlessly, not through meticulous planning and threads on SS.

 

[samspade]

As a woman I find it completely a turn off when a man is too aloof (rooted in fear) to be masculine, take charge and put himself out there. Ask me out dammit, give me something to work with & respond to. Otherwise you come off weak & wishy washy. No bueno.

The asking-out should have happened before he vomited feelings to her. You're way off..file this under "watch what they do, don't listen to what they say."

 

[user43770]

The asking-out should have happened before he vomited feelings to her. You're way off..file this under "watch what they do, don't listen to what they say."

This. No offense to the original poster - as I've put my foot in my mouth plenty of times - but he basically said he's been acting weird because he really likes her. Not a good start lol

I still think @Bible_Belt said it best. Keep doing what you were doing before this incident. Give her some attention, but then withdraw and socialize with other people. Basically, act like nothing happened. She's probably expecting a different dynamic between you two now, so if you're Cool Hand Luke, she won't know what to think.

At the same time, look for any difference in her treatment of you. Did her interest level go up or down? It should be pretty obvious. If it went up, I say ramp up kino and go for the score. If it went down, let her come to you like last time. If she doesn't, no biggie.

 

[samspade]

This. No offense to the original poster - as I've put my foot in my mouth plenty of times - but he basically said he's been acting weird because he really likes her. Not a good start lol

I still think @Bible_Belt said it best. Keep doing what you were doing before this incident. Give her some attention, but then withdraw and socialize with other people. Basically, act like nothing happened. She's probably expecting a different dynamic between you two now, so if you're Cool Hand Luke, she won't know what to think.

At the same time, look for any differences in her treatment of you. Did her interest level go up or down? It should be pretty obvious. If it went up, I say ramp up kino and go for the score. If it went down, let her come to you like last time. If she doesn't, no biggie.

Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand.

 

[lamath]

Advice from the old lady:

I disagree with everyone else. I think it’s fine what you said. Truly. Just drive on. That’s the key. You have established now that you like each other. Awesome! Now be direct and ask her out.

“I’m heading over to xyz on Saturday night. You should come kick it with me.” Or something similar that suits your vibe.

Quit Monday morning quarterbacking what you said. It’s out there, it’s fine, it’s actually in this case a good thing since she thought you were cold/cool toward her.

As a woman I find it completely a turn off when a man is too aloof (rooted in fear) to be masculine, take charge and put himself out there. Ask me out dammit, give me something to work with & respond to. Otherwise you come off weak & wishy washy. No bueno.

But you can stop the self flagellation at this point. Be a man. Act. Ask her out. All this twisting around in your head is the problem. Moreso than what you said.

And come back & tell us what happened.

I agree on this too for one simple reason, it looks like her interest level is high.

With medium or low interest it would be a different story


It all depends on how you said it, better be in a confident way.


Personaly only time i would say this is when used in a sarcastic/****y funny way with a smirk

 

[user43770]

I agree on this too for one simple reason, it looks like her interest level is high.

With medium or low interest it would be a different story


It all depends on how you said it, better be in a confident way.


Personaly only time i would say this is when used in a sarcastic/****y funny way with a smirk

@BeExcellent why should he be forward and ask her out? It sounds like they go to the same bars and see each other often, as is. It would be pretty lame if he asked her on a "formal" date. That would only result in her seeing him as a super nice guy.

He's already put all his cards on the table. *Not like she didn't already know he wanted to fvck. Chicks are keen to this sort of thing.* She now expects him to act in a certain manner; the way most guys have acted in her past...to act different. Fvck that. Defy her expectations.

Best to play it cool in this situation. At least until you can gauge her new impression of you. Because she most definitely has a new impression of you.

If she's obviously more into you, move in and escalate. If she isn't, play it cool and hold back.

 

[Spaz]

Cool girl, attractive, smart, ambitious, life in order, has standards, lots in common. She got out of a few year long relationship a few months ago and I met her soon after it ended. We have had some tension going for a while and I have held back since I didn't want to be the rebound guy and have been dating others. When out, I would constantly catch her looking my way and we would inevitably end up hanging out together. She is always in my space and no I don't act like her gay friend. I don't kiss her ass and tease the crap out of her. She never talks about other men or her ex to me, though she does to others.

A few weeks ago, I showed up at the pub and she was with a date. I just said hello and went about my business and peripherally could tell that she was keeping her eye on me. The feeling in the pit of my stomach made me realize that I REALLY like her. This girl is the first in a long time that I just simply like and although I would love to get in her pants, its not my main focus for a change. Yeah, a bit of oneitis, but for me its not common and I don't live every day just trying to get laid. To try and get my head straight, I decided to avoid close situations for a while, not initiate texts and if she initiates, just keep my answers short and closed ended. If she is sitting next to a mutual friend, I sit next to the mutual friend instead of her. I was never rude or ignored her, but just didn't get flirty and treated her like anyone else. She apparently noticed.

I was out last night and ran into her with a friend of hers and again, just said hello, kept it short and went on and chatted with others. The shots started flowing and having not eaten much, I got pretty buzzed, so I decided to step outside for a bit and sat out on the deck. So, she comes out, sits down, we start talking and the subject turns to me apparently acting cold towards her. As much as I tried to tease her and play it off as being her imagination, she wouldn't let it go. I don't remember exactly what she said, but in response and probably due to my buzzed condition, I blurted out: "because I like you too much". I have never in my life wished more to be able to suck words right back in. After a pause, she replied, "I like you too" and paused as if thinking of what to say next. As if on cue, it started pouring rain and we went back inside. Her friend had to go soon after that and she was her friends ride, so that was the end of that.

I really don't know how to proceed from here. I know that those few words may have destroyed any tension that was there and left me wondering if a "but" was coming after the "I like you too".

I know, I know.. spin other plates. I plan to.

I think that I just sank the ship with her before it left the dock and am not sure if there is a next move. My thoughts are to just continue as I was and see if she brings up the big elephant in the room.

Any and all advice to the contrary would be appreciated.

You didn't fvcked up.

Whilst what you said displayed onenits, ur general attitude of not 'displaying' it has you firmly in the driver seat.

You maintained power or frame, and because of that it will only raise further admiration from her but also increase her frustration, which is good, now she can't keep you out of her mind space.

You're got good instincts thus far, follow it.

 

[user43770]

All these silly posts can be figured out quite simply. You haven’t fvcked her yet and you don’t really know her. How can you like her? Because she looks nice? Girls have been told they are liked due to looks by soooooo many dudes. You are now one of those dudes.

If women knew how seriously some of you guys take them they would die from laughter.

Oh, but they know very well how seriously we take them. I'm listening to Dostoyevsky's, The Idiot, and all of our current themes are presented.

The original poster's post wasn't silly. He gave the reasons why he liked her. I like women for less than that.

I like many women only because they're pretty. No shame in it.

Sometimes, I even tell them that they're pretty, and it usually lights up their day.

 

[BeExcellent]

The asking-out should have happened before he vomited feelings to her. You're way off..file this under "watch what they do, don't listen to what they say."

The super aloof approach comes off as low interest or fear or lack of initiative. None of those things are positive in the mind

@BeExcellent why should he be forward and ask her out? It sounds like they go to the same bars and see each other often, as is. It would be pretty lame if he asked her on a "formal" date. That would only result in her seeing him as a super nice guy.

He's already put all his cards on the table. *Not like she didn't already know he wanted to fvck. Chicks are keen to this sort of thing.* She now expects him to act in a certain manner; the way most guys have acted in her past...to act different. Fvck that. Defy her expectations.

Best to play it cool in this situation. At least until you can gauge her new impression of you. Because she most definitely has a new impression of you.

If she's obviously more into you, move in and escalate. If she isn't, play it cool and hold back.

If you look at what I suggested in my message it’s not a formal gee can I take you to dinner suggestion. It’s hey I’m gonna kick it over here. Join me.

Those are very different energies. Indecision and aloof behavior can easily come off as low interest, no initiative and wishy washy. Not attractive.

This girl in fact has ALREADY launched that complaint rather candidly. Because of that OP told her he likes her. Ok cool. He didn’t turn into a lap dog in that moment but he shouldn’t just go back to the ultra Joe Cool behavior either. It’s tiring, and while it may build attraction at first...it’s annoying over time.

Example. Last weekend I met a cool guy. Tall dark & handsome, nice muscular body, full hair, well dressed. He had stared at me all night, his friend was obviously talking with him about me, lots of non verbal cues. I even walked over nearby and bought myself a drink to increase proximity...and nearly sasheyed off before the friend grabbed me. Good conversation ensued until my friends (who were ready to bounce and I was driving), dragged me off. He fished around a bit awkwardly in his billfold and gave me a business card. My cell is on there...he said. My friends were jonesing to go & I didn’t have my phone & he wasn’t smooth enough in that moment to whip out his phone for my number.

So I sent him a text the next day to say nice to meet you. He pinged back immediately but let the conversation drop. He’s an IT guy, reserved, bit of an introvert, but quite attractive. Also kind of awkward. Sunday I ran into his buddy who said hey what’s up with dude, and I said I don’t know, not all that communicative...a little while later he pings me to come for a drink somewhere else. I say OK. I show up, buddy is there as well as a female pal, and while it was nice to hang out with them and they were cool, I didn’t have opportunity to get to know him very much. He walked me to my car, gave me a light kiss & we both left. Sporadic texts a bit this past week, but if he expects me to chase after him and do the leader’s job of initiating, then he’s either 1. Not that into me, 2. Seeing someone else already (refer also to 1.), or 3.) is socially awkward.

Had the guy stayed he liked me or been more assertive in the interactions, I’d still have high interest. As it stands now Im more “Meh”. He’s still attractive but I need more to work with.

Contrast that to a less physically attractive but extremely socially attuned man who pinged me earlier tonight, was engaging and asked me out for a night next week straightaway. Very interesting, intelligent and funny guy, brilliant intellect, less physically attractive than I generally entertain but elegant and classy and adroit. Complete self confidence, which has a certain swagger I appreciate.

Fortune favors the bold. Be bold. Be a man. Go after what you want and don’t apologize for that. Don’t be a puppy either. Find the middle path.

 

[user43770]

Advice from the old lady:

As a woman I find it completely a turn off when a man is too aloof (rooted in fear)

Being too aloof isn't rooted in fear, it's rooted in not giving a fvck. Which is why women like it.

 

[user43770]

The super aloof approach comes off as low interest or fear or lack of initiative. None of those things are positive in the mind


If you look at what I suggested in my message it’s not a formal gee can I take you to dinner suggestion. It’s hey I’m gonna kick it over here. Join me.

Those are very different energies. Indecision and aloof behavior can easily come off as low interest, no initiative and wishy washy. Not attractive.

This girl in fact has ALREADY launched that complaint rather candidly. Because of that OP told her he likes her. Ok cool. He didn’t turn into a lap dog in that moment but he shouldn’t just go back to the ultra Joe Cool behavior either. It’s tiring, and while it may build attraction at first...it’s annoying over time.

Example. Last weekend I met a cool guy. Tall dark & handsome, nice muscular body, full hair, well dressed. He had stared at me all night, his friend was obviously talking with him about me, lots of non verbal cues. I even walked over nearby and bought myself a drink to increase proximity...and nearly sasheyed off before the friend grabbed me. Good conversation ensued until my friends (who were ready to bounce and I was driving), dragged me off. He fished around a bit awkwardly in his billfold and gave me a business card. My cell is on there...he said. My friends were jonesing to go & I didn’t have my phone & he wasn’t smooth enough in that moment to whip out his phone for my number.

So I sent him a text the next day to say nice to meet you. He pinged back immediately but let the conversation drop. He’s an IT guy, reserved, bit of an introvert, but quite attractive. Also kind of awkward. Sunday I ran into his buddy who said hey what’s up with dude, and I said I don’t know, not all that communicative...a little while later he pings me to come for a drink somewhere else. I say OK. I show up, buddy is there as well as a female pal, and while it was nice to hang out with them and they were cool, I didn’t have opportunity to get to know him very much. He walked me to my car, gave me a light kiss & we both left. Sporadic texts a bit this past week, but if he expects me to chase after him and do the leader’s job of initiating, then he’s either 1. Not that into me, 2. Seeing someone else already (refer also to 1.), or 3.) is socially awkward.

Had the guy stayed he liked me or been more assertive in the interactions, I’d still have high interest. As it stands now Im more “Meh”. He’s still attractive but I need more to work with.

Contrast that to a less physically attractive but extremely socially attuned man who pinged me earlier tonight, was engaging and asked me out for a night next week straightaway. Very interesting, intelligent and funny guy, brilliant intellect, less physically attractive than I generally entertain but elegant and classy and adroit. Complete self confidence, which has a certain swagger I appreciate.

Fortune favors the bold. Be bold. Be a man. Go after what you want and don’t apologize for that. Don’t be a puppy either. Find the middle path.

Tell me how great you are BE. Give a few platitudes at the end of it.