I must stay clear of her...she's poison

[Knight's Cross]

Men of the Forum,
I ask for your help. Over the last month I let a woman back into my life. When I say let in...well it was at a low point in plate spinning. Foolish me...I thought she had changed ways...and of course "temporarily" she did. Well over the course of a month she went back to being the same nagging, not so sexual person that she was from the start. So...I pulled the black and yellow handle labeled "EJECT". I told her in a brief breakaway that I didn't feel special to her, that I didn't have trust in her (reason for previous breakup), and I was going to start dating others and I deserved someone that was into me 100% and let me feel that. I got tired of being with her, and her not committing to anything more than "friends" after a year. That was enough.
OK so why do I ask for help...and feel free to berate or otherwise kick the S@IT out of me to keep me away from her. See at this point she is firing round after round of text/ Voice and emails...telling me that she isn't quitting...bla bla bla...I have had it gents..I need some serious support to stay clear of her. I kept it up for a month at a time in the past, and I had PEACE....I need to feel that again.
Rollo has given me some great support to blast clear...now I need to keep some speed and altitude to get free of her.
It's strange...in flying I have learned quick to deal with things that will kill me fast. In matters of the heart I have been a slower learner at things that will kill me slow. Either way you lose....

Thanks to all. Now fire away. I need it.

 

[jophil28]

Men of the Forum,
I ask for your help. Over the last month I let a woman back into my life.

Thanks to all. Now fire away. I need it.

Ok - I can relate to this story.
Here is a plan -

Write a post here (a list ) of the shyte that she pulled that were dealbreakers FIRST time around. Keep it short but to the point.

NExt, Print it out.

Next, Write another post (list ) with all the shyte that she pulled SECOND time around.. The 'dealbreakers' ..

Next print it out.

Compare lists ---

When you are thinking about letting her "try again" , get both lists out, compare the contents and then post back here for a slappin'.

It is about leopards and spots .. Crap Women = leopards.

 

[KontrollerX]

What was your initial attraction to her when you first met her?

I mean was she very good looking or very interesting at all?

Oh and definitely change your number and email if you are determined to avoid her man.

 

[Phyzzle]

I like Jophil's idea. Good for you, entertaining for us.

 

[guru1000]

One Simple Word: INTEGRITY.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Jophil great idea so here they are:
Integrity. She lied to me about her wherabouts. Caught herself in her own lies twice.
Push-pull. Commitment phobic people love to be in love. When they realize it will cost them some freedom they push you away. Her play...she would introduce me to parents, sisters...and then not her friends. Only when I'd get frustrated would she introduce me...not as a natural course of events.
Physical intimacy...she was cold on that one. I don't think she ever initiated sex. Now she made it available to get me back, but once again she took the frame and started cutting it away.
Basically the last month has been a repeat of the last year, only in fast forward. I know that I screwed up letting her back, its so strange...she just totally went out of her way to get back, but once I let her she went right back to sh$tting on the carpet. She will now attempt to get back in the frame..here's where I know what to do. GET OUT AND SPIN PLATES. So thats what I'm doing.
Guys, there's a great book out there called,"He's Scared, She's Scared" If you want to know signs of a unhealthy person i.e. commitment phobic, then get this book. It was an eye opener for me. IF you see this type behavior....RUN don't walk....RUN. They may change their ways (temporarily) to make you think they are into you, looking for what you want, etc. Deep down they are the same core person with issues.

Staying strong,
KC

 

[jophil28]

Jophil great idea so here they are:
Integrity. She lied to me about her wherabouts. Caught herself in her own lies twice.
Push-pull. Commitment phobic people love to be in love. When they realize it will cost them some freedom they push you away. Her play...she would introduce me to parents, sisters...and then not her friends. Only when I'd get frustrated would she introduce me...not as a natural course of events.
Physical intimacy...she was cold on that one. I don't think she ever initiated sex. Now she made it available to get me back, but once again she took the frame and started cutting it away.
Basically the last month has been a repeat of the last year, only in fast forward. I know that I screwed up letting her back, its so strange...she just totally went out of her way to get back, but once I let her she went right back to sh$tting on the carpet. She will now attempt to get back in the frame..here's where I know what to do. GET OUT AND SPIN PLATES. So thats what I'm doing.
Guys, there's a great book out there called,"He's Scared, She's Scared" If you want to know signs of a unhealthy person i.e. commitment phobic, then get this book. It was an eye opener for me. IF you see this type behavior....RUN don't walk....RUN. They may change their ways (temporarily) to make you think they are into you, looking for what you want, etc. Deep down they are the same core person with issues.

Staying strong,
KC

I thinkthat you and I dated the same BPD/ HPD/ NPD, nutjob,wacko, loony femi-doosie.
Tell me, what was her relationship with her father ? In her childhood,was there any abuse/drinking/.drugging/cheating / or any other abnormal behavior by either of her parents in her childhood ?

 

[Metro3pilot]

If we all did the right thing or tossed a biyotch when we should have .....

would we even have the sosuave message board ?

:rockon:

 

[Knight's Cross]

Jophil,
I talked to her today....yeah ok weak on my part. Basically told her that she didn't make deposits. If you buy a new car you have to pay for it. You can't just tell BMW that you like their product. You have to PAY for it. Told her as much. That I know she likes to be with me, knows I'm good for her, etc. That for things to work what she wasn't doing was including me in family, friends, other parts of her world. Thats not my problem. She's a commitment- phobe. She has to work those issues, since she didn't want to I was out the door.
Left it at that. I'm the PRIZE.
KC

 

[Last Man Standing]

You are barking up the wrong tree! All women want commitment - from a guy they want! This tells me that you are not her first "priority". Another man/men are involved - which explains why she keeps you away from her friends!! Wake up!

 

[jophil28]

You are barking up the wrong tree! All women want commitment - from a guy they want! This tells me that you are not her first "priority". Another man/men are involved - which explains why she keeps you away from her friends!! Wake up!

NOt so LMS - there are women out there who "talk" commitment but continuously sabotage their intimate relationships when it DEMANDS something of them. I do not call it commitment phobic as such it is more that that.
THese women are so damaged that they are unfit for an adult relationship. They" compartmentalise" their relationships with everyone. They do not integrate "their man" with their friends or their family .Everyone is kept in a little separate box men and she runs from one box to the other attending to the inhabitants. . I have heard one of these women say that this gives her a feeling of control.. Unfortunately this behavior f**ks up relationships with men

KC - I do know what you mean about " her not wanting to pay". These women want, and expect, all the fun and rewards of a relationship with a man BUT they are NEVER willing to contribute anything in return . They want the involvement from a man but they want to live the single life and DO AS THEY PLEASE.
These women are also manipulators and can be promiscuious and cheaters. They use sex as a "hook" to capture a guy BUT when he wants her to be "in a couple " she pulls away and calls him possessive or demanding or ..blah blah !.
Deep down these women are playing this game - "I like you, come here - now that I have you I do not like you for being stupid enough to like me. "

Bad , bad candidates IMO ..

Did she have an abusive parent , Did her father drink or cheat or rage ?

 

[Last Man Standing]

NOt so LMS - there are women out there who "talk" commitment but continuously sabotage their intimate relationships when it DEMANDS something of them.

This is not the reality when a woman wants you! This is not a woman's mindset. A woman is always seeking a permanent mate!!

Non-commitment, is a man's mindset, for fear of a life long commitment of responsibility and losing out on something better! Jophil, you talk from personal experience, but the reality is that she was looking for someone else in her limited time of availability.

 

[ketostix]

LMS, I think that's true a lot of times, but I also believe some women have so many issues they are unfit for a commited relationship with any man period.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Jophil I think you hit the nail on the head. She does exactly like what you said, compartmentalizes. As far as abusive past, I haven't seen it. I've met and done a couple things with her parents, she has said that her mom "never" apologized for anything. Whether it was a understanding or an argument. Her dad doesn't really drink and she does think very highly of him..

Now as far as some of her past relationships...she has been left alot. She tended to date guys before that either went in the military, or left for careers, basically I see she has abandonment issues. My guess is she's afraid to bring me in close cause what if I leave too. Stupid I know, thats always a risk. I totally agree though Jophil, people that are commitment allergic tend to want the benifits without having to pay for it. Just like you said she wants a boyfriend, but wants to be single. I saw a continued pattern, when I had enough of her selfishness I would walk clear...she would then get out her emotional checkbook and make a deposit. Ok that would hook me in for awhile...then she would go right back to S#$tting onthe carpet and doing her own thing. Never seeing that in a relationship you have to make continual deposits. Otherwise the bank forecloses, and it doesn't matter that you want something like a relationship/ new car, etc. You aren't allowed to keep something just because you want it.
As far as her cheating, there being another guy. Heck anythings possible. I've learned that if there are past friendships/ men from a womans life..you have to accept that they are there. Just as I have women from my past that whoever I'm dating has to know is going to be around. What would be a concern is if I saw something new. That I didn't see with her. Again, you'd drive yourself crazy if you constantly worry about it.

Being that I'm a pilot, I have learned why I try so hard. It's like flying for me. I have always learned that in a airplane (not equiped with ejection seats) you keep flying when there's a problem. You don't stop flying just because there's a hydraulic leak. What I have to learn here is there is a time to walk away. If you're flying a bad airplane, well park it on the ramp and find a new one.

KC
KC

 

[Knight's Cross]

Jophil, Another couple things I remembered. She did just what you said. I was referred to as "controlling", and everytime I pulled away she would use manipulation. She'd say,"all men leave". Or that I was a quitter. Sound like guilt? Or she'd pound on my door continuously till I let her back in, then once she knew she was in...She would pull away affection, sex, attention, affirmation, respect. All the things she'd use to get back in, she'd quit doing them. I've never seen such control issues. Another tactic they use is making you feel that it's "your problem" They make you think that you are the one with issues, that it isn't them. Even though they were the one seeing a counselor. Which she did go to a couple times, but then stopped. I saw alot of rage in her. She works as a hospital ICU nurse, and after 12 hours of shift she'd just be angry at the world about the people she had to deal with.
The more I pull back and look at the big picture, the more I realize I have to just stay away from her. Her lack of wanting to include me in family/ friend stuff just drove me emotionally off a cliff.
Guys, thanks for the support. Right now I'm low on energy and do need all the help I can get.
KC

 

[Knight's Cross]

Jophil, one more thing....She was engaged before, and the wedding was called off just 3 weeks out. Now her story is that the guy she was engaged to was a only child (she has 2 sisters) and he didn't like spending time at her parents.. They went to his parents from time to time, but when she asked him to go to her folks once he declined and wanted to do something else. She decided that he was too selfish, and she walked. I'm starting to think that you are right, there may be something from her past with her parents that is part of this. OK so my lesson. The NEXT lady I get with better have a good relationship with her parents. Again I've met them, and some of her friends, but its usually just when she knew I was frustrated with her. Then she threw a hail mary pass to save the game and keep me.
Learning, and opening my eyes.
KC

 

[jophil28]

It really does not matter whether r you call her "Commitment phobic" or allergic, or avoidant or whatever. What matters is that she was not fulfilling you.
These women are emotional tricksters - now you have them, now you don't. Now you see them now you don't. They deliberately create an atmosphere of uncertainty and bewilderment, They are masters at Push-pull and the game of "go away til I want you back". Thay say a lot but mean nothing of substance. They say they want a relationship but really just want a ROMANCE . They are fiercely jealous of other women. Thay are consumate liars and most of their words and behavior is contradictory and highly incongruent. As a man you wind up with high levels of anxiety and are endlessly unsure of what she wants, what she means and whether she really will do what she promises. They hate accountability and being answerable to you . They want it all their way which is the way of a lost child.

I have learned the hard way that they are unfixable . THe trick is to launch before you get brain damage.

Golden Rule KC - no contact !

 

[jophil28]

Jophil, one more thing....She was engaged before, and the wedding was called off just 3 weeks out. Now her story is that the guy she was engaged to was a only child (she has 2 sisters) and he didn't like spending time at her parents.. They went to his parents from time to time, but when she asked him to go to her folks once he declined and wanted to do something else. She decided that he was too selfish, and she walked. I'm starting to think that you are right, there may be something from her past with her parents that is part of this. OK so my lesson. The NEXT lady I get with better have a good relationship with her parents. Again I've met them, and some of her friends, but its usually just when she knew I was frustrated with her. Then she threw a hail mary pass to save the game and keep me.
Learning, and opening my eyes.
KC

* I would not believe any of her stories about her past relationships, These women are HUGE liars . MASSIVE !! COMPULSIVE !!

* If a woman does not have a warm relationship with a strong father who is a leader and a mentor, then how will she know how to have one with you. Their Dad is key, Trust me on this.

Jophil..

 

[jophil28]

Then she threw a hail mary pass to save the game and keep me.
.

Priceless comment - I know exactly how this works.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Jophil, thanks. I have seen all of the behaviors that you describe. Even when I spoke to her yesterday she acted as if nothing was really wrong. I know she wants/ desires to be with me. However my needs here are being ignored. You are so right when you say she is like a wayward child. Its as if she understands loss, but not remorse,or regret. Lack of conscience. Even yesterday her words didn't seem to quite match some of her past actions. She has asked what would make me happy. I tell her, and then she doesn't do it. She apologizes for me feeling left out, then goes right on leaving me out. You're and Rollo are right, the effort repairing a relationship is usually wasted. Far better is it to start off with someone new. We aren't married, we don't live together, we don't have children. I shouldn't have answered the phone yesterday. All it did was pull out stitches from a healing wound.
KC