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I’m a woman looking for advice from men. Was I too forward with him?

Gamisch

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Did I mention that I wanted to sleep with him or even get with him? I just shared a fantasy with him. Also, he’s the one who started this friendship with me. When we met, he was the one who started talking to me and trying to get to know me, with a girlfriend and everything!! He was messaging me before I shared my fantasy and didn’t stop me while I flirted.

I get what you’re saying. I swear it wasn’t like that. Since he started messaging me, I felt like I had to be honest and tell him that I desired him in the past because honestly I couldn’t stop flirting with him so it was tempting. When he asked to video chat, I honestly wasn’t ready but since he started to get mad, I told him to please be patient. That someday maybe we could video chat. Then he started getting more mad and just shut me down. If he thinks I was playing, oh well… what can I do? And what was the rush anyway? Couldn’t he wait a little?
everyone here says I don’t have morals but he’s also the one who initiated talking to me and sending me messages. With a girlfriend and everything!
This might be a woman...10 members explained ( man's-plained) why he got mad about the video call, yet (s)he makes another post purely from her own POV, not understanding what happened .

So he "starts the friendship" , so it's his fault ? You morally judge him for talking with you, yet you didn't stop him. Imo he's been correct all the way through by not escalating the situation.

And why the hurry? Why the patient is a better question. We men like to solve problems asap.He already felt like you were playing the typical woman's games. Asking for his undivided attention, and yet when he gives it you pull back without giving a clear time and date to talk about it. Not much different from being purposely unclear and being a tease. If he would post about you,I would tell him to RUN from you. You are toxic and willing to ruin his current LTR. Huge red flag. As other said as soon as he gives in to your advances you'll lose interest and dump him.

There's plenty of advice giving for you to form a decent opinion about the situation. Do we need to chew the food for you too now? Amazing how hypocritical women can be.
 
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Howiestern

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lol, classic woman here. blames the guy for her problems and doesn't know when to shut up.

First she admits to having morality issues( I admit I did bad at confessing that to him since he has a girlfriend).

Then when the heat gets turned up she starts to shift blame to him and says (he’s the one who started this friendship with me. he was the one who started talking to me and trying to get to know me, with a girlfriend and everything!!He was messaging me before I shared my fantasy and didn’t stop me while I flirted.) Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, ME ME ME ME ME

Different day, different emotions I guess. Why they get a free pass on that I have no idea. No wonder why they all want strong men to keep their ship upright.

The older I get the more I see women as silly children and certainly not fit do be in leadership positions.

Its ok Browneyes, its not your fault he doesn't want you. He's a bad person, not you. You deserve something much better! ;)
 

jaymbrs

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lol, classic woman here. blames the guy for her problems and doesn't know when to shut up.

First she admits to having morality issues( I admit I did bad at confessing that to him since he has a girlfriend).

Then when the heat gets turned up she starts to shift blame to him and says (he’s the one who started this friendship with me. he was the one who started talking to me and trying to get to know me, with a girlfriend and everything!!He was messaging me before I shared my fantasy and didn’t stop me while I flirted.) Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, ME ME ME ME ME

Different day, different emotions I guess. Why they get a free pass on that I have no idea. No wonder why they all want strong men to keep their ship upright.

The older I get the more I see women as silly children and certainly not fit do be in leadership positions.

Its ok Browneyes, its not your fault he doesn't want you. He's a bad person, not you. You deserve something much better! ;)
And she'll believe this is true when other women tell her this. And best believe, they will.
 

BillyPilgrim

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And she'll believe this is true when other women tell her this. And best believe, they will.
It's kinda like blaming the refs for not spotting the ball soon enough when it's on the quarterback to get down sooner.
 

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catsmeow2

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I understand that he’s loyal to his girlfriend but why did he have to be so rude about it? Was it really a big deal that I shared that with him? I mean, all humans fantasize!! Besides, I never told him I wanted to sleep with him. I just wanted him to feel attractive. I really thought he would be flattered and we would both laugh afterwards but he made me feel like I was crazy for having this fantasy.
Hey @Browneyes741 I've hesitated to chime in before now but having read many books on interpersonal relationships, human behavior, romance and the like, it's possible your telling him about your sexual fantasy triggered certain emotions in him (i.e. sexually) that he didn't feel comfortable with given he has a girlfriend and well, in general.

It also might have resulted in him feeling somewhat vulnerable and sometimes, for some men (certainly NOT all), feeling vulnerable is an uncomfortable emotion, it can cause anxiety and trigger a "flight or fight" response. In your guy's case, his response was to get angry at you (fight) as you were the one who essentially triggered the emotion.

He may have felt you were being a tease or leading him on, even though that was NOT your intention. So if he was triggered emotionally and sexually by your fantasy comment, his anger at you makes sense.

Below is an article from Psychology Today discussing the correlation between vulnerability and anger you might find interesting and give you a different perspective:

 

BackInTheGame78

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Did I mention that I wanted to sleep with him or even get with him? I just shared a fantasy with him. Also, he’s the one who started this friendship with me. When we met, he was the one who started talking to me and trying to get to know me, with a girlfriend and everything!! He was messaging me before I shared my fantasy and didn’t stop me while I flirted.

I get what you’re saying. I swear it wasn’t like that. Since he started messaging me, I felt like I had to be honest and tell him that I desired him in the past because honestly I couldn’t stop flirting with him so it was tempting. When he asked to video chat, I honestly wasn’t ready but since he started to get mad, I told him to please be patient. That someday maybe we could video chat. Then he started getting more mad and just shut me down. If he thinks I was playing, oh well… what can I do? And what was the rush anyway? Couldn’t he wait a little?
everyone here says I don’t have morals but he’s also the one who initiated talking to me and sending me messages. With a girlfriend and everything!
"Someday"? So do you know this man in person or is this some nonsense online thing?
 

BillyPilgrim

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Thanks for your comments and help. I’ll leave the man alone
Hey @Browneyes741 I've hesitated to chime in before now but having read many books on interpersonal relationships, human behavior, romance and the like, it's possible your telling him about your sexual fantasy triggered certain emotions in him (i.e. sexually) that he didn't feel comfortable with given he has a girlfriend and well, in general.

It also might have resulted in him feeling somewhat vulnerable and sometimes, for some men (certainly NOT all), feeling vulnerable is an uncomfortable emotion, it can cause anxiety and trigger a "flight or fight" response. In your guy's case, his response was to get angry at you (fight) as you were the one who essentially triggered the emotion.

He may have felt you were being a tease or leading him on, even though that was NOT your intention. So if he was triggered emotionally and sexually by your fantasy comment, his anger at you makes sense.

Below is an article from Psychology Today discussing the correlation between vulnerability and anger you might find interesting and give you a different perspective:

Cats, two demerits for feeding the attention trolls. Shame, shame, shame.
 

Howiestern

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Cats, two demerits for feeding the attention trolls. Shame, shame, shame.
Now Billy, thats like putting cat nip out. o_O Don't tease the kitty like that, this thing will be 5 pages long
 

Aristippus

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To Browneyes (this also applies to men and is worth reading for the men in here).

First, never try to wreck relationships to satisfy your selfish desires. Sexual desire is good and there are plenty of single men out there for a woman to date. It becomes selfish and destructive when you try to satisfy those desires at the expense of others.

You have to have a code of conduct that you live by. Most women don't have that. A large number of men don't either but more men live by a code of conduct than women. In general though, it's a shame that so many people don't. This code of conduct is a group of self-imposed limitations of behaviors that you choose. Things that are ok to do and things that are off limits.

........When it comes to cheating on your wife or girlfriend, the fantasy is better than the reality. (Same goes for women who cheat.) People fantasize about how great it will be and even if the sex is great, all of the negative consequences that follow make it not worth it. I'm in my 40's and have yet to hear of a story where being dis-loyal to your wife or husband ended good. It always ends bad. Feelings get hurt. Families break up. Trust is destroyed. In the extreme cases someone gets killed and the other person goes to prison.

Now, those things being beside the point (although really, the main point), when you go after someone who is in a relationship, you're at a disadvantage. Those 2 people already have a sexual history together. You don't. They are already comfortable with each other, or if not comfortable, at least familiar. Sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

They have a personal history together. You don't. The other person is a sure thing (whether good or bad is another story). You're not a sure thing. You get the picture.

Now, the man you desire (and should stop pursuing for all of the reasons mentioned above)...he doesn't know how to read a woman's intentions very well or does but doesn't know how to act on it. It sounds like part of him likes the relationship he's in and part of him likes being flirted with and possibly even tempted. I think he either wants to be loyal or if he wants to cheat, he's clueless on how to move forward. Maybe he thought about it and got cold feet. Either way, he's better off not cheating and you're better off looking for single men. Have a good day.
 
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