How would a DJ deal with this?

[Desdinova]

Taking the wedding off the table isn't going to work unfortunately without causing so much pain to family and friends.

A marriage isn't about family and friends. It's about you and the woman you're planning on spending the rest of your life with. That is the plan, correct? To spend the rest of your life with her?

When you're planning on making a commitment that is going to affect the rest of your life, you NEED to make sure you're making the correct choice. There should be no question that this is the correct course of action. This woman NEEDS to meet the highest standards if she's going to join you on your journey through life. She NEEDS to stick with you when things get difficult. She NEEDS to put in the effort to make the relationship work. She NEEDS to be 100% dedicated to you. She NEEDS to be responsible and take you into consideration even after you both have children. She NEEDS to be able to see past the wedding day and see the both of you at your 25th wedding anniversary.

Have you given your relationship enough time to truly see these things in her? You cannot see them by asking her about them. You need to see these things without prompting a response from her. She should be showing all of this naturally.

This is supposed to be the woman you're spending the rest of your life with. You should be making sure she's extremely high quality. Her bad qualities only have the potential to get worse. If her worst quality is putting the toilet paper on the roll the wrong way, then that's certainly tolerable. If her worst quality is frequently drinking to excess, you're likely going to have more problems with it in the future.

There have been many posts in this thread telling you to delay the marriage. The warnings don't exist because we hate women. The warnings exist because many of us have been there and done it. I wished I would've waited a minimum of 5 years before getting engaged to my ex-wife. I highly doubt I would've married her if I had just waited a bit longer. Since I ended the marriage, I've dated two women who would've made a better wife than my ex-wife did.

When it comes to making a decision that is supposed to affect the rest of your life, you really need to avoid rushing into it. You need the time to analyze it and to make sure it's the correct course of action. If you make the wrong choice, it will devastate you emotionally and financially when you go through the divorce process. The woman you intended to spend the rest of your life with turns into Satan. The worst part is every woman is capable of it.

Somebody else mentioned that if she's truly in love with you, she will understand if you want to postpone the wedding. A woman who truly wants to be with you will NOT primarily focus on the wedding day, but instead focus on being by your side. She won't care if your wedding is fancy or not. She would be 100% okay with a simple barbecue in somebody's back yard as a wedding. She would even be 100% fine not having a wedding.

THIS is how you can tell how much the woman cares about you. Her focus will not be on the wedding itself; Her focus would instead be on spending all her days with you. Do you think your fiancee could handle a low-scale, low-cost wedding? Propose the idea to her of ditching all the fancy wedding stuff and having a backyard barbecue instead. You'll quickly find out if she's focused on the wedding or if she's focused on spending the rest of her days with you.

 

[Reykhel]

Ignorance? Ignorance is strangers on an online forum trying to talk OP out of not marrying his fiance because she went out with friends and got drunk and didn't text him back for a few hours. Holy sh*t. You sound like controlling, over-emotional p*ssies with trust issues. The butthurt is astounding.

Marriage is not my (and others on here) cup of tea but give the guy advice that's realistic. We are supposed to empower each other here, not be misogynistic tw*ts. I'm listening to 'Out of Touch' by Hall & Oates right now; too fitting for this thread in particular.

My advice to OP? LogicalLefty's post (EDIT: and Cola's, for a little more detail on the matter) is all that needs to be said about the issue to OP.

You clearly demonstrate that my ignorance is equivalent to your knowledge.

Ignorance is advising someone on the internet to ignore a clear red flag before he proceeds to lock himself down with a legal, life changing contract. Ignorance is telling the OP that he's "overthinking things". Ignorance is giving advice on something on which you clearly have no life experience.

I repeat, your ignorance is without limits.

Your responses are full of emotional name calling and then you have the gall to write "we are supposed to empower each other here". Hypocrisy? Stupidity? Lack of awareness? Really just the manifestations of an underdeveloped, emotional, childish mind.

What I find dubious about your reply is your implication that we are being "misogynistic ****s".......
Do my eyes deceive me or do we have a man accusing other men of being misogynistic.....

Let me see, normally that's a feminist accusation. Normally that's something feminists throw out when they can't win an argument and want to control men. Your projections in your post are starting to make sense now. But I tell you what's worse. A feminist shaming tactic thrown into the woodwork.......when there was absolutely no sign of any misogyny from any poster here....

Feel free to point out the misogyny in this thread. And feel free to explain why red flags should be ignored.

Well I guess your not only ignorant.........but rather an ignorant emotional feminist.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Ignorance? Ignorance is strangers on an online forum trying to talk OP out of not marrying his fiance because she went out with friends and got drunk and didn't text him back for a few hours. Holy sh*t. You sound like controlling, over-emotional p*ssies with trust issues. The butthurt is astounding.

Not just any online forum - he chose The Pvssy Hater's Club. There has never been a thread on sosuave about a girl where everyone here did not tell the guy to dump the girl. Every thread like this one is predictably pathetic.

 

[Bible_Belt]

She never fvcked around...just me. By the way, my ex-wife is half black, if you'd care to work in one of your white supremacist comments, there's your opening.

Let me ask you dumb fvcks one simple question. Isn't this what you don't like about feminism and the "blue pill" world....they beat down opposing viewpoints, do not tolerate dissent, and refuse to engage in any constructive dialogue....how are you any different?

You've all obviously been kicked around by women. And now is your chance to get even with those women by kicking around the OP's woman. If you can't see the obvious psychology at work on this web site, then just keep your mind closed - there's no opening it.

 

[Yewki]

Let me ask you dumb fvcks one simple question. Isn't this what you don't like about feminism and the "blue pill" world....they beat down opposing viewpoints, do not tolerate dissent, and refuse to engage in any constructive dialogue....how are you any different?

On the topic of beating down opposing view points... you realize you were literally just trying to convince a poster to meet up and fight, right?

 

[Reykhel]

As far as I can see, it's only the two white knights who have made this a gender issue.....

For me, this is not about gender. If the opening post was written by a woman, that she was about to be
married, but had this concern that every couple of weeks her boyfriend went out and got so drunk that
he ended up on his back, I would say the exact same thing that I said in the above posts.

It's a red flag. It's especially a red flag if you don't view that behavior as congruent to a successful marriage.

And I would say what I implied above. I believe that everyone has the capacity for change but I don't believe
everybody has the fortitude to exercise that capacity. Alcohol clearly affects her in a negative fashion. The question remains.....does she see it as a problem and if so what does she see as the solution?

It has to be her decision. Again, for the benefit of the white knights, I would say the exact same thing
if we were talking about a man.

Marriage means potentially raising kids. Let me tell you something, no kid wants to be raised by an alcoholic parent. Parent....father or mother. It's not very pleasant.

Even if this parent (notice I'm not referring to any gender not to upset the two crybabies) only binged "every so often", if the kids were to see this parent passed out on their back or acting stupidly drunk......this memory stays on the child's psyche. Like an imprint that just won't wash off.

If she's capable of admitting that this is an issue, and she's capable of doing something about it.........postpone the wedding and let her prove it to you over time.

 

[SmooveMooves]

The way I see it:

Pretty much all the advice here is good and valid from its own viewpoint or perspective.
Yet, I think we need to get real here, you're not breaking an engagement for this, even if you should or should not. So thats out.
You need some damage control, for your own emotions and confusion as well as making it clear you are uncomfortable with this behavior. Well, this is how I think you should handle it.

Less is more.

Thats your motto for 7-10 days. Operation "hamster overdrive".

Like @cola said...Id say do the opposite of what she thinks you'll do. Reel in that jealousy, insecurity, and say nothing more about it. But, withdraw. Withdraw affection. Withdraw loving stares. Withdraw the little things you do everyday that she has come to expect youll take care of for her. With draw your schedule and throw a few curve balls. Maybe even let your phone die, while you are out at the grocery stor for way, way too long. Bring home a receipt though. Shop quickly and spend the rest of the time doing something else.

When she asks, "Whats up with you latley?" Say "nothing" and give her a kiss and a squeeze. Smile at her, with a little hint of condescension and disappointment and shake your head a smidge. NEVER tell her why you are doing this. Make her feel like an island for a week to ten days, but with glimpses of mirages. Play it. Just because you are shacked up now, doesn't mean you forgot to be a player. Your just playing a different game now.

Make plans this weekend with friends. Or not and just fake it. Tell her you are going out. BE VAGUE as possible Go out. Or just disappear to the OTB or throw some darts somewhere. Do not take her calls. Come home sober. Be respectable. Be quiet. "Yeah it was cool" You can even come home a little late. Up to you.

Just break the patterns of her expectations of you without seeming like you are getting her back. Her brain will do all the thinking for you. DO NOT RESPOND AT ALL, to her fighting with you or guessing whats going on.Or her attempts to beat you at your own game. They will be short lived. Treat all that with hugs and kisses. Just a little different than the ones she is used to. "Luv ya babe. Relax. Everything WILL be fine." <------Hamster methamphetamine

Maybe even wake up one night and go sleep on the couch till morning.

After you have your fun torturing her a little bit. Return to absolute normal. Shell get the point.

My parents once found cigarettes in my backpack when I was about 15. At the time, it was just one more level of f^ck up that I was becoming. I thought for sure my dad would beat the Sh!t out of me like he promised if he ever found out I smoked. You know what he did though...He put a little note in the pack that said "You disappoint me, more and more each day." With a god damn sad face and a tear!!!

That got my attention waaaayyy more than the an a$$ beating ever did. Whats worse, is, after that note, he was warm with me, like nothing happened. It drove me nuts! I even tried to explain and engage him on the subject and he said to me. " I have said everything, I am willing to say on the topic. Are you hungry?"

It illustrates my point I think.

I am not one for passive aggressive. I find it weak and annoying. Its also infuriating and generally not a good way to handle most things. However, in this case, and given your concerns, her behavior, your prior attempts, not withstanding your engagement. You need to reset this mother fucin frame. A little psychological warfare seems like it will do the trick.

She might fall apart so much that she starts unveiling all kinds of stuff she "thinks" might be wrong. Take notes, but dont ENGAGE! It will actually turn her on too. Especially later on after the brain napalm burns out.

I have executed this before a few times in LTRs with fantastic results. One girl came into my home office one night and said "Is everything alright I just want to kiss you goodnight." I didnt look up from my computer or turn around. But I waved with the back of my hand. I felt her stand there and could hear the wind of the hamster wheel spin. When she left. I waited 5 min and made some tea for us both. I brought it to her and Said "I made some tea." I put the mug down on the bedside table and went back into my office an shut the door just loud enough for her to hear.
She never did find out why I was annoyed at her. But she went into loving overdrive the next day and for the next few weeks I had an abundantly good time at life. Since she had no real idea what was wrong, she tried to fix everything that it might be. House was sparkling, I got handjobs for no reason, I got professional support, nagging about anything ceased, I received no invites to attend her stupid family gatherings, etc etc. By the time it started to go back to normal, I was sort of relieved to begin to pull my share of the relationship weight again.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement. Yet, dude, its never to late. Like the other guys said, its only your life and your alone. For every person that might get hurt or judge you for bailing out on the wedding, there will be another, from both camps, that respect you for it. Whether they tell you or not.

Just be sure, whatever you do, whatever you choose, do it wholeheartedly every day. Its either "Hell yes!!!!" or.... you need to search your soul for what is.

Best,

-Saline

This is exceptional advice. Kudos. This guy gets it.

 

[Slash Dolo]

You clearly demonstrate that my ignorance is equivalent to your knowledge.

Ignorance is advising someone on the internet to ignore a clear red flag before he proceeds to lock himself down with a legal, life changing contract. Ignorance is telling the OP that he's "overthinking things". Ignorance is giving advice on something on which you clearly have no life experience.

I repeat, your ignorance is without limits.

Your responses are full of emotional name calling and then you have the gall to write "we are supposed to empower each other here". Hypocrisy? Stupidity? Lack of awareness? Really just the manifestations of an underdeveloped, emotional, childish mind.

What I find dubious about your reply is your implication that we are being "misogynistic ****s".......
Do my eyes deceive me or do we have a man accusing other men of being misogynistic.....

Let me see, normally that's a feminist accusation. Normally that's something feminists throw out when they can't win an argument and want to control men. Your projections in your post are starting to make sense now. But I tell you what's worse. A feminist shaming tactic thrown into the woodwork.......when there was absolutely no sign of any misogyny from any poster here....

Feel free to point out the misogyny in this thread. And feel free to explain why red flags should be ignored.

Well I guess your not only ignorant.........but rather an ignorant emotional feminist.

Hypocrisy? Yep. Just like everyone else here, really.

There are a few things we don't have in common; for instance, I could be a butthurt, easily triggered 38 year old man writing posts the length of bibles on a forum and using "feminist" as an insult while still not knowing how to use ellipses properly... or knowing the difference between you're and your, for that matter. Thankfully at least, that isn't the case. Thankfully!

 

[Bible_Belt]

On the topic of beating down opposing view points... you realize you were literally just trying to convince a poster to meet up and fight, right?

He told me I wouldn't talk to him that way to his face. What do expect?

 

[Reykhel]

Hypocrisy? Yep. Just like everyone else here, really.

There are a few things we don't have in common; for instance, I could be a butthurt, easily triggered 38 year old man writing posts the length of bibles on a forum and using "feminist" as an insult while still not knowing how to use ellipses properly... or knowing the difference between you're and your, for that matter. Thankfully at least, that isn't the case. Thankfully!

Well done. I'm delighted for you.

 

[Slash Dolo]

Danger, it sounds like you have a lot of pent up aggression stemming from women. I'd look into that. Try talking to your mom more.

But seriously, this site is a site dedicated to improving the self confidence of men while simultaneously learning more about women; from a sexual standpoint and even a relationship standpoint. I think that some posters here are angry at women or something a woman has done in the past (you) and throw out words like "white knight" as a defense mechanism the minute we don't talk about them like dogs. You'll never be happy that way and if calling me "less than a man" is your way of coping with the issue then so be it.

 

[Slash Dolo]

And now you're asking about my underwear. Is this what "real men" do? Man, you're pathetic.

 

[Slash Dolo]

I have never been bullied in my life. But your logic, while flawed, makes sense; usually the one who's been hurt the most by the opposite gender will start resenting them obsessively much like yourself.

There's a lot of salty older men on here that seem to have some vendetta against women. But eventually the old men die, and the world keeps turning. Seeya bud.

 

[Reykhel]

Be honest, did you get many wedgies as a kid?

Seriously though, if you think $hit-canning someone because they have a drinking problem is misogyny, then you are almost certainly a white-knight. It has nothing to do with "hating women".

I'm honestly starting to think the feminist troll is a woman......

No where in the thread was there "women bashing" to my eyes anyway.....and then she comes
along with her misogynist accusation. I invited her to point out where misogyny had
taken place in the thread but she declined the offer.

I think she has issues to be honest.

 

[Reykhel]

I have never been bullied in my life. But your logic, while flawed, makes sense; usually the one who's been hurt the most by the opposite gender will start resenting them obsessively much like yourself.

There's a lot of salty older men on here that seem to have some vendetta against women. But eventually the old men die, and the world keeps turning. Seeya bud.

Reminds me of the conversation with Gavin McInnes and Coppercab....

I suppose Gavin is the salty oder man in this instance. Hint: you're not Gavin here. But be proud of who you are! Go girl!

 

[zinc4]

He told me I wouldn't talk to him that way to his face. What do expect?

Instead of trying to prove yourself physically to strange men on the net, perhaps you should try to upgrade your women from low quality fat pigs that dump you.

One common theme about white knights....you know they are doing particularly bad with women at the moment in time when they are super trigger happy to challenge someone to a fight, which is almost always.

 

[Bible_Belt]

The last time I got in an illegal fight, I was 15. How about you? Has it been 15 days for you yet?

 

[salinechow]

My 2 cents on this quarrel between what is otherwise respected and respectable members of this community....

When a girl bitches, moans, complains, sh!t tests, flakes, insults, or disrespects....what do we almost always advise we do or say to her.....

NOTHING.

Quite resonance I think its been referred to as.

"When you argue with an idiot, people from afar cant tell which is which."

 

[Lozboss]

Loz man, with respect, the Rational Male is not "The book of every answer"...

There comes a point when the white elephant in the room needs to be addressed.

Agreed but OPs question:

Marriage.

Is answered very well in that book. It's an iron Rule of Tomassi.

its not the book of every answer- but it covers 90% of these newbie questions.

 

[Reykhel]

My 2 cents on this quarrel between what is otherwise respected and respectable members of this community....

When a girl *****es, moans, complains, sh!t tests, flakes, insults, or disrespects....what do we almost always advise we do or say to her.....

NOTHING.

Quite resonance I think its been referred to as.

"When you argue with an idiot, people from afar cant tell which is which."

In all fairness, when someone steps into a so called "quarrel" that has nothing to do with them and
offers a sanctimonious quote that was probably read on another thread they definitely enter the fray for who appears to be an idiot....

It's like the innocent bystander who steps in to break up a fight and ends up getting stabbed.