How to REKINDLE a relationship after overstepping boundaries?

Spirit_1500

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Hello, I'm new here, so I'll introduce myself. I'm an autistic and young guy, and it's been 12 days since I started talking to a woman I met at a geek event. She's 20 years old, tall (5' 11''+), beautiful, sexy, has an amazing personality (a bit silly, you know? outgoing?), smart, etc., etc. I got in touch with her a few days after the event and everything was going well; on the first day, I was extremely fun, got her number, and even managed to set up a date for the following Saturday with really good interactions. She always responded in those days with excitement, enthusiasm, extended everything I said and sometimes created new topics. She basically liked talking to me, showed interest and talked all the time. During this WHOLE time, she showed a LOT of interest, saying things like when I mentioned I hurt myself falling off a motorcycle, and she said she could give me "kisses" to heal it, or saying she was training in the gym to "get a big butt for me," or that she wanted to be alone with me, etc. It was almost certain to me that I was going to have something interesting with her.

Well, Friday came, the day she even mentioned her butt; she was so excited that she invited me to go to the movies that same day. It was clear how much she wanted to see me. I went, and there were some funny situations, but they're not very important. In the end, we sat close together, I hugged her, and she rested her head on me comfortably. After the movie, we kissed; she was completely happy and silly. It was really clear how happy she was, as if she was melted in love, you know? All those smiles... I even slapped her butt, which she found funny and happily commented on later via messages. But after all of that, problems started. She mentioned feeling pressured, like I was too close, showing too much affection, and that she didn't like doing that in public and that she didn't know me well yet; it was just our first time. BUT, despite that, she still showed a lot of interest and joy talking to me the next day. Oh, and the next day was Saturday, the actual day we had planned for the date.

Before continuing, I should point out exactly what I did. I'm autistic, nothing too severe, but I honestly don't know how to identify irony or body language. I don't understand very well (not that it's always impossible for me to understand) when someone feels uncomfortable or not, and I NEVER want that. When I see that I've made someone uncomfortable, I feel really guilty. Basically, with her, I was trying too hard to hold her hand, hug her, put my hand on her waist, and pull her close. She didn't say anything on Friday that she didn't like the contact; she didn't show any major discomfort. The problem was on Saturday, and I'll explain now.

By the way, I apologized on Friday and ASKED her to let me know if I was doing something that made her uncomfortable.

Fast forward to the date, but it's good to remember that we talked every day during this period (including this saturday morning), and she always engaged enthusiastically and with interest.

We met at a park, 6p.m, had a kind of picnic; I brought food, and we talked, but she seemed quite down, didn't even look at my face properly. I couldn't make any advances, and I started to feel a bit desperate that everything were going wrong, totally different from Friday. I touched her more times, and it's possible to say that 90% of the date, I was holding her hand, trying to pull her closer, tried to force a few hugs. I even pulled her into a hug a couple of times with the intention of her falling on top of me, succeeding once. I know I was MUCH worse than on Friday, completely desperate and unbearable. At no point did she ask me to stop, but she was very quiet. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. The date was pretty much a disaster; we only talked apathetically through the evening, with only a few sparks of interest. I took her home, and we said goodbye.

In messages, the disaster became evident. She said she enjoyed the days but didn't want to repeat them, that she still felt uncomfortable with the affection. She said she didn't mention her discomfort because it would have created a bad atmosphere at the time. She also said she didn't want a relationship and knew that was my interest, said she didn't want to go out with me anymore, didn't like behaving like a couple, etc. I apologized a lot, said I wouldn't repeat it, did it in a way I consider very desperate because I realized then how badly I had messed up. Actually, it only fully sank in for me after a while what I did. She didn't like the physical contact I was forcing, and when I realized it, and even now, I feel very, very, very bad, remembering the things I did. I feel very sad for being so unpleasant. She ended up forgiving me but said she just wanted to be my friend. That was five days ago, and since then, she has been talking to me (actually, read, "answering my messages") very apathetically, monosyllabic, as if talking to me only out of politeness. The interest, the spark, is gone; she just responds out of "obligation". She allways seemed indifferent to not talking to me, even at the peak of her interest. For example, when she was really interested, I decided to test things by not talking to her for a day to see if she would initiate the conversation. She really didn't talk to me that day but responded enthusiastically to my message the next day when I said I was busy and that's why I hadn't messaged her. I assume that if I stop talking to her today, she will just never speak to me again... Today even, on the date of this post, I haven't sent a message in 2 days and so far nothing.

A friend of mine commented that if she still talks to me and didn't just block me, it's because she still likes me, but she needs time. I invaded her personal space, and she probably doesn't feel safe.
I don't want to be remembered as a weirdo who doesn't respect others' personal space, truly. I know that not realizing it at the time doesn't negate the consequences, and autism is not an excuse. I feel like a harasser, feel dirty.

The point of all this is: I want to win her back, rekindle the interest, the love, everything that was there, and I ruined. It was something very, very clear before; she felt something, and I just managed to mess it up in the worst possible way.
I want to try again, want to have a relationship, because I liked her, and also because I would HATE to end everything because of a mistake of this level
.

Please, help me with this situation.

At the moment, giving up is NOT an option, please consider that. I don't want to give up; I want to try something. I'm thinking on today or tomorow of inviting her to go bowling and talking better there, giving her a gift, and seeing if I can get something with that.
 

BackInTheGame78

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You lost the minute you went out with her Friday when you had a date set up for the next day.

Basically you told her "I have nothing going on in my life except spending time with you and will drop everything at the last minute for you."

And that my young man, is one of the most unattractive things you can tell a woman. Especially when your actions say it, not your mouth.

Learn so you don't make this mistake again. Women's goals within the first 3 dates are to find ways to disqualify guys and give them the rope to hang themselves. Why? Because they have so many options they can't take the amount of time it would require to really go thru each one and properly vet them. So they set up these scenarios/tests/situations to weed guys out from getting to the next stage and anyone who weeds themselves out is done.

In this case, she gave you the rope and you put it around your neck and jumped off the bridge.

Disqualified.

Also the only place you had a relationship is in your own mind. This was a random chick you barely knew, not some woman you dated for a year. Stop making things way more serious than what they are.

Ironically, this line of thought is what is causing you to act the way you did that caused you to fail to get what you so desperately desire.

You should never even THINK about being in a relationship with a woman for AT LEAST 3 months. That is the LEAST amount of time that it will take to observe and properly vet her over a wide variety of scenarios and situations to determine whether she is worthy of having that with you.

Stop trying to be serious with the first woman that shows you interest. It's desperate and weak and women try and weed that out as soon as they find it.
 
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Spirit_1500

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You lost the minute you went out with her Friday when you had a date set up for the next day.

Basically you told her "I have nothing going on in my life except spending time with you and will drop everything at the last minute for you."

And that my young man, is one of the most unattractive things you can tell a woman. Especially when your actions say it, not your mouth.

Learn so you don't make this mistake again. Women's goals within the first 3 dates are to find ways to disqualify guys and give them the rope to hang themselves. Why? Because they have so many options they can't take the amount of time it would require to really go thru each one and properly vet them. So they set up these scenarios/tests/situations to weed guys out from getting to the next stage and anyone who weeds themselves out is done.

In this case, she gave you the rope and you put it around your neck and jumped off the bridge.

Disqualified.
Well, at the time, it just seemed like she was so eager and interested in seeing me that she invited me last minute to a dark place, especially since that was the day she was talking about training her butt for me...

And there's no way I can win her back? I was genuinely interested in her; it's been a long time since I felt this way about a relationship. I really don't want to give up... I want to at least try something before giving up, which is why I was thinking of asking her out. Maybe ask her today or tomorrow to go out either tomorrow or over the weekend, you know?
 

BaronOfHair

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Well, Friday came, the day she even mentioned her butt..
In what context? Did she say something to the effect of "I can't see you tomorrow afternoon, because I have to wash my butt?" Or were her remarks more along the lines: "I want you to ram your 15 foot schlong balls deep into my ass, then thrust away like a ravenous timber wolf, until I lose consciousness from the amalgam of agony and ecstasy of it all"
 

Canadian_Man

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... [ I ] ASKED her to let me know if I was doing something that made her uncomfortable.
This doesn't work, even if she says "yes I'll let you know", because:
(1) if she feels uncomfortable she'll likely default to saying nothing if that's her pattern, and
(2) it's you asking her to lead.

Agreed with BackInTheGame, you're better off moving on and learning from it.

You were too eager.
 

BackInTheGame78

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Well, at the time, it just seemed like she was so eager and interested in seeing me that she invited me last minute to a dark place, especially since that was the day she was talking about training her butt for me...

And there's no way I can win her back? I was genuinely interested in her; it's been a long time since I felt this way about a relationship. I really don't want to give up... I want to at least try something before giving up, which is why I was thinking of asking her out. Maybe ask her today or tomorrow to go out either tomorrow or over the weekend, you know?

No, no, no.

What she was, was eager to find out how easily manipulated you were going to be by her acting super interested.

Far too easy she found out and that's why you lost.

What you think is going on is not what is actually going on in these situations.

You can either take the L and learn from it or you can continue wasting your time with this woman.

Your choice.

At this point, if you are that desperate, the only thing you can do is wait for her to reach out to you and offer to meet up and then don't accept her first offer and make her work a little bit for it.

You have to show her you aren't as big of a pushover as you told her you were initially. Nothing else is going to work, you contacting her in any way for any reason without her reaching out to you first is out of the question.

If she never reaches out then that's what it is.

Regardless you should continue talking to and working on more women in the meantime. The only reason you think this one is so special is because you have no options. If you did, you would delete her number and forget who it was if she ever contacted you again.
 
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Spirit_1500

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In what context? Did she say something to the effect of "I can't see you tomorrow afternoon, because I have to wash my butt?" Or were her remarks more along the lines: "I want you to ram your 15 foot schlong balls deep into my ass, then thrust away like a ravenous timber wolf, until I lose consciousness from the amalgam of agony and ecstasy of it all"
I'll transcribe some messages for you (I'm the ">" and her the "<"):
>Are you excited?
<For tomorrow or today specifically?
>Tomorrow
<Very much
<I'm even working out to get a big butt for when I see you
>With all due respect? Your butt is already big even without working out
>(heart emoji)
<You've been looking, huh
<Naughty
>Worse than me is only you working out to make it bigger for me. Two lost souls
<(her laughter)
>But assuming I notice your butt has gotten bigger, what do I do with that information?
<You appreciate it
<(smiling emoji)
>Appreciate is a very vague and mysterious term
<Understand it however you like, cutie
>See? You're the mysterious one in the relationship
<Leave the rest for when we're alone
>As someone once told me... I wait eagerly.

Literally 20 minutes after this, she invited me to the movies. She even told me to buy a seat in the corner of the cinema so we could be even more alone.
 

Spirit_1500

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No, no, no.

What she was, was eager to find out how easily manipulated you were going to be by her acting super interested.

Far too easy she found out and that's why you lost.

What you think is going on is not what is actually going on in these situations.

You can either take the L and learn from it or you can continue wasting your time with this woman.

Your choice.

At this point, if you are that desperate, the only thing you can do is wait for her to reach out to you and offer to meet up and then don't accept her first offer and make her work a little bit for it.

You have to show her you aren't as big of a pushover as you told her you were initially. Nothing else is going to work, you contacting her in any way for any reason without her reaching out to you first is out of the question.

If she never reaches out then that's what it is.

Regardless you should continue talking to and working on more women in the meantime. The only reason you think this one is so special is because you have no options. If you did, you would delete her number and forget who it was if she ever contacted you again.
I have a few considerations. Do you think she was trying to manipulate me by pretending to be interested? Why did she kiss me like THAT on Friday? She seemed VERY into it, you know? Almost melting, she seemed like a lovestruck teenager. It didn't seem fake...

And about waiting for her, I'm not sure if that's a good idea because even when she was very interested and not just giving one-word responses, she never messaged me first, even when I didn't message her for a day to test it. If I want a relationship, don't I need to get to know her for about three months or something? How is that possible if I don't try to contact her?

And yes, I do talk to other women, but I saw potential for a relationship with her. I liked her personality more than her looks. We are very similar, and I really wanted to try something with her...
 

Spirit_1500

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This doesn't work, even if she says "yes I'll let you know", because:
(1) if she feels uncomfortable she'll likely default to saying nothing if that's her pattern, and
(2) it's you asking her to lead.

Agreed with BackInTheGame, you're better off moving on and learning from it.

You were too eager.
I just wish that the things I try would work out sometimes. Not just always about gaining experience. It should really work out at least once...
:(
 

BackInTheGame78

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I have a few considerations. Do you think she was trying to manipulate me by pretending to be interested? Why did she kiss me like THAT on Friday? She seemed VERY into it, you know? Almost melting, she seemed like a lovestruck teenager. It didn't seem fake...

And about waiting for her, I'm not sure if that's a good idea because even when she was very interested and not just giving one-word responses, she never messaged me first, even when I didn't message her for a day to test it. If I want a relationship, don't I need to get to know her for about three months or something? How is that possible if I don't try to contact her?

And yes, I do talk to other women, but I saw potential for a relationship with her. I liked her personality more than her looks. We are very similar, and I really wanted to try something with her...
You can either keep trying to justify what happened in your mind or you can listen to experienced posters who have gone thru this before.

None of that matters. What matters is you lost on an availability test. The end result was always going to be the end result because of that. Maybe she did really like you, but it doesn't matter because once you fail that there is no coming back and she knew that.

Why? Because every woman has dated THAT guy before and it always ends badly for them and once they have it happen once or twice they don't want any part of it again.

Yes, she never messaged first...that's because she wasn't really that interested in you as anything other than a play toy.

Look at what you just wrote. Does someone who is actually interested NEVER message first? Not in my experience. They literally can't stop messaging you if they don't hear from you because they are constantly thinking about you.

She was playing with you. Why? Because it was fun and she knows she has you wrapped around her little finger. You are way way more invested in her than she is in you and she knows it. It needs to be the opposite. SHE should be the one more invested in you.

Listen. Get this thru your head. You are the man. It is not your job to take on the feminine role and try and create a relationship. That's HER job to do that.

And when I say HER, I mean another woman you meet up with because it's never going to happen with this one.

Your job as the man is to offer them your time, lead the date and interactions you have with them, go out on dates, have fun, fvck them properly and make them want to see you more and more until they want to be in a relationship and ask you for it. Then you decide whether you want to give it to them or not. With how you are acting, that's a forgone conclusion, but anyways, that's a topic for another day.

Has relationship potential based on what exactly after a date or two? Because she was good looking? You need to raise your standards they are far too low. Being good looking should be like the base level standard to even consider going on a date with her, not for a relationship. She needs to demonstrate far more than that over the course of several months and show consistency to even consider a woman relationship material.
 

BaronOfHair

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I'll transcribe some messages for you (I'm the ">" and her the "<"):
>Are you excited?
<For tomorrow or today specifically?
>Tomorrow
<Very much
<I'm even working out to get a big butt for when I see you
>With all due respect? Your butt is already big even without working out
>(heart emoji)
<You've been looking, huh
<Naughty
>Worse than me is only you working out to make it bigger for me. Two lost souls
<(her laughter)
>But assuming I notice your butt has gotten bigger, what do I do with that information?
<You appreciate it
<(smiling emoji)
>Appreciate is a very vague and mysterious term
<Understand it however you like, cutie
>See? You're the mysterious one in the relationship
<Leave the rest for when we're alone
>As someone once told me... I wait eagerly
Graduate from the 9th grade, before you start up with all this dating stuff
 

Canadian_Man

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I just wish that the things I try would work out sometimes. Not just always about gaining experience. It should really work out at least once...
:(
Yes, it s*cks to go through.

It will help you one day.
Accept the loss.

Holding onto something that is very unlikely to "rekindle" would likely be counter productive for your immediate future.
 

Spirit_1500

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You can either keep trying to justify what happened in your mind or you can listen to experienced posters who have gone thru this before.

None of that matters. What matters is you lost on an availability test. The end result was always going to be the end result because of that. Maybe she did really like you, but it doesn't matter because once you fail that there is no coming back and she knew that.

Why? Because every woman has dated THAT guy before and it always ends badly for them and once they have it happen once or twice they don't want any part of it again.

Yes, she never messaged first...that's because she wasn't really that interested in you as anything other than a play toy.

Look at what you just wrote. Does someone who is actually interested NEVER message first? Not in my experience. They literally can't stop messaging you if they don't hear from you because they are constantly thinking about you.

She was playing with you. Why? Because it was fun and she knows she has you wrapped around her little finger. You are way way more invested in her than she is in you and she knows it. It needs to be the opposite. SHE should be the one more invested in you.

Listen. Get this thru your head. You are the man. It is not your job to take on the feminine role and try and create a relationship. That's HER job to do that.

And when I say HER, I mean another woman you meet up with because it's never going to happen with this one.

Your job as the man is to offer them your time, lead the date and interactions you have with them, go out on dates, have fun, fvck them properly and make them want to see you more and more until they want to be in a relationship and ask you for it. Then you decide whether you want to give it to them or not. With how you are acting, that's a forgone conclusion, but anyways, that's a topic for another day.

Has relationship potential based on what exactly after a date or two? Because she was good looking? You need to raise your standards they are far too low. Being good looking should be like the base level standard to even consider going on a date with her, not for a relationship. She needs to demonstrate far more than that over the course of several months and show consistency to even consider a woman relationship material.
No, no, I thought about the relationship because of her personality and demeanor, not her appearance. I didn't understand the part about the "foregone conclusion."

How could I do this "course of several months" thing if I can't message her, go out with her, offer my time, or anything like that? Based on what I understand about this, it seems like I'll always be stuck this way, like, "its never going to happen".

But, the rest of what you said sounds accurate. She seemed very interested when responding to me but not invested enough to initiate a message... But I don't know, it seems like the effort she put into responding to me made up for it. However, I really don't have the experience to say that for sure, so I have to trust in it...
 

Spirit_1500

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Graduate from the 9th grade, before you start up with all this dating stuff
I'm already at college, lol. And I've had girlfriends before. My interest in a relationship came from her because I hadn't felt what I felt with her for a long time. She has a personality that I thought was great.
 

Spirit_1500

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Yes, it s*cks to go through.

It will help you one day.
Accept the loss.

Holding onto something that is very unlikely to "rekindle" would likely be counter productive for your immediate future.
It's true, but if it was just an interest in sex I really would have gotten over it and discarded it. The dates were productive, I enjoyed getting to know her...
 

BaronOfHair

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I'm already at college...
One doesn't get that impression from the content of those texts you shared. Work on communicating like a psychologically mature MAN, instead of a child. A side-effect of this will likely be that your more attractive to women
 

BackInTheGame78

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It's true, but if it was just an interest in sex I really would have gotten over it and discarded it. The dates were productive, I enjoyed getting to know her...
If your interest WAS just in sex(at least at first) you'd likely do far better.
 
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