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How to Maintain Control After Hot Ex Re-engages You

Antifragile

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Legends,

Need some advice. It's been roughly 14 months since my x and I broke up. I broke it off initially, then we got back together for a bit, then she broke it off. We were only exclusive for 8 months, but hooked up semi-regularly for 12 months prior.

She has also been completely sober for the past 12 months (AAA, the whole deal) - confirmed by close friends in our circle. Which was the reason I broke it off initially.

She hit me up on Facebook 2 weeks ago (I haven't responded) asking "I know this is out of the blue, but are you free to FaceTime or speak on the phone sometime soon?" I unfriended her on Instagram and snapchat 2 weeks before she reached out.

*caveat - right after we broke up, she stole my tattoo idea and put it between her legs. After this, I decided tattoos are not for me lol.

I am also having great success on tinder and bumble. I'm hooking up w/ several girls at the moment and closing new ones consistently.

Is there a way to respond to her without losing control of the situation? Should I even respond if this is my concern? I am going home in a month for the holidays and may run into her... we share many of the same friends.

She is also very very hot. Top 3 of the 65+

Sincerely,
 

Thorninmyside

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She might want to apologize for the past as part of the program, so as far as supporting her recovery it might be the kind thing to hear her out. If she was a complete b.tch maybe she doesn't deserve that opportunity. That's not my call. We don't owe them closure but sometimes that's why they come back.
 

Glassguy

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"That would be great. I will let you know when I'm free"

Then ghost. Make her work extra hard for your attention.

If you really don't give a fvck, then act like it.

If you really give a fvck, don't act like it.

Get it?
 

stringpuller

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Is there a way to respond to her without losing control of the situation? Should I even respond if this is my concern? I am going home in a month for the holidays and may run into her... we share many of the same friends.
All that bro and you havent mentioned what you actually desire from this?
Your asking these questions and not being clear. Maintain frame and then.....?
State your purpose.
What is she to you?
 

lizardking82

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Be sporty about it. It is Ok to approach these situations even if only to learn how to deal with them in the future.
 

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Antifragile

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"That would be great. I will let you know when I'm free"

Then ghost. Make her work extra hard for your attention.

If you really don't give a fvck, then act like it.

If you really give a fvck, don't act like it.

Get it?

Glassguy - following your approach. Will update

I like her so purpose may be to eventually get back together but for right now having way to much fun f*cking around
 

derby1

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follow glassguy then follow this SHE COMES TO YOUR PLACE, SHE COMES TO YOUR PLACE , x 2 occasions

cause its been a busy week at work your just in the mood to chill , ofcourse if shes not up for that tell her to call in 2x3 weeks time and MAYBE you can sort something them
 

Antifragile

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Update:

I responded with what @Glassguy wrote. Then ghosted her. It's been 2 weeks and she writes me this yesterday:

"probably should have mentioned this when I first reached out to you, but the reason I wanted to talk is to make an amends for my behavior. I know I’ve attempted at points to make half assed amends to you in the past but I’m at place in my recovery now where I’ve been reflecting more on my part in what went wrong and really want to thoroughly take responsibility. If you would prefer that I just wrote you an email instead just let me know and I'd be happy to do that"

I'm thinking of having her write an email (to invest the time), then continue to ghost her. She hit me up right after I unfollowed her and right before she knew I would be in town.

Any thoughts?
 

Trump

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She hit me up on Facebook 2 weeks ago (I haven't responded) asking "I know this is out of the blue, but are you free to FaceTime or speak on the phone sometime soon?"
‘Sure. I am available tomorrow at 9 pm.’

Personally I would keep deal going. Be water bro, go with the flow.
 

dude99

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Update:

I responded with what @Glassguy wrote. Then ghosted her. It's been 2 weeks and she writes me this yesterday:

"probably should have mentioned this when I first reached out to you, but the reason I wanted to talk is to make an amends for my behavior. I know I’ve attempted at points to make half assed amends to you in the past but I’m at place in my recovery now where I’ve been reflecting more on my part in what went wrong and really want to thoroughly take responsibility. If you would prefer that I just wrote you an email instead just let me know and I'd be happy to do that"

I'm thinking of having her write an email (to invest the time), then continue to ghost her. She hit me up right after I unfollowed her and right before she knew I would be in town.

Any thoughts?
Just completley ignore her.

This is her duty to her 12 step program in AAA. This her fixing her self. Not trying to fix things with you.

This is her following a program.
This is not her reaching out you.
You are one of many she has to do this with.
This won't lead to her actually being sorry
This won't lead to a lay.

You will be wasting your time by going through the steps with her.

Next.
 

Glassguy

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Update:

I responded with what @Glassguy wrote. Then ghosted her. It's been 2 weeks and she writes me this yesterday:

"probably should have mentioned this when I first reached out to you, but the reason I wanted to talk is to make an amends for my behavior. I know I’ve attempted at points to make half assed amends to you in the past but I’m at place in my recovery now where I’ve been reflecting more on my part in what went wrong and really want to thoroughly take responsibility. If you would prefer that I just wrote you an email instead just let me know and I'd be happy to do that"

I'm thinking of having her write an email (to invest the time), then continue to ghost her. She hit me up right after I unfollowed her and right before she knew I would be in town.

Any thoughts?
She is definitely not reaching out for you to bang her. She is just doing what she is supposed to FOR HER BENEFIT, NOT YOURS.

Often men think their ex is texting them to get back together. Many times it is only to make them feel better about themselves and this is no different.

I would be civil but not Mr Nice Guy.

"Glad to hear that your doing better but connecting is not a great idea as I don't my current girl would appreciate it. Let's make your message the official apology and take care".


This chick has problems. No reason to keep her around as she is doing nothing to add to your happiness and her actions are for her benefit only. She would have never apologized if it weren't part of the program, making it not very genuine.
 

sazc

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Update:

I responded with what @Glassguy wrote. Then ghosted her. It's been 2 weeks and she writes me this yesterday:

"probably should have mentioned this when I first reached out to you, but the reason I wanted to talk is to make an amends for my behavior. I know I’ve attempted at points to make half assed amends to you in the past but I’m at place in my recovery now where I’ve been reflecting more on my part in what went wrong and really want to thoroughly take responsibility. If you would prefer that I just wrote you an email instead just let me know and I'd be happy to do that"

I'm thinking of having her write an email (to invest the time), then continue to ghost her. She hit me up right after I unfollowed her and right before she knew I would be in town.

Any thoughts?
Gawd, give her a break. Are you actually assuming that this is her covert way of trying to get back to you? lol, this is an important part of her recovery. She needs to do this as part of the process.

This part of the process is the way she can accept blame for her behavior and make amends and see that accepting blame for her behavior means that world is not going to come crashing down on her, that it's acceptable to make mistakes, that you dont have to self medicate in order to avoid the feelings of failure associated with making mistakes.

You dont have to say a thing, you dont even have to 'accept' her apology. Just sit and listen and, in the end, thank her for 'saying that'.

Once upon a time I was dating someone and his ex, who was a raging alcoholic, kept calling me at 3 am. I hit star 69 and managed to prove it was her with my next phone bill. He asked her about it and she denied, denied, denied. A year later I got a call from her, telling me she was in recovery, that it was her calling, that she was very sorry and hoped I could accept her amends. "of course I would" I told her. I said I was proud of her for getting help and I wished her well. Doing this is part of being human.

That's literally all you have to do. No one is asking you to get back with her...and you want to play push pull bvllsh1t sh1t test games with her? Really?
 

sazc

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"Glad to hear that your doing better but I dont think connecting is a great idea. Let's make your message the official apology and take care".
I edited what @Glassguy wrote into what I feel is good enough. Please dont blame not connecting on your 'current girl', that sounds sooooo incredibly beta and weak . It legit looks like you are trying to one up her. There's there is no reason to do that. Own your decisions. It's definitely enough to take the frame of "the situation between you and I was toxic and I would rather not make the choice to enter that dynamic again". (dont actually say that) However, this mindset makes you appear cognitively superior.

The second sentence is enough to acknowledge the situation, and give her the closure she needs. It's a fair reply and she will get it.
 

RedScorpion

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I agree with what sazc and Glassguy have said. Unless she was a complete ***** to you before, there's no harm in being civil. Keep it fairly short, polite. Don't get too into it. Let her have her mending.
 

Antifragile

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Gawd, give her a break. Are you actually assuming that this is her covert way of trying to get back to you? lol, this is an important part of her recovery. She needs to do this as part of the process.

This part of the process is the way she can accept blame for her behavior and make amends and see that accepting blame for her behavior means that world is not going to come crashing down on her, that it's acceptable to make mistakes, that you dont have to self medicate in order to avoid the feelings of failure associated with making mistakes.

You dont have to say a thing, you dont even have to 'accept' her apology. Just sit and listen and, in the end, thank her for 'saying that'.

Once upon a time I was dating someone and his ex, who was a raging alcoholic, kept calling me at 3 am. I hit star 69 and managed to prove it was her with my next phone bill. He asked her about it and she denied, denied, denied. A year later I got a call from her, telling me she was in recovery, that it was her calling, that she was very sorry and hoped I could accept her amends. "of course I would" I told her. I said I was proud of her for getting help and I wished her well. Doing this is part of being human.

That's literally all you have to do. No one is asking you to get back with her...and you want to play push pull bvllsh1t sh1t test games with her? Really?

@sazc - Appreciate the input. This girl used to do all sorts of things in the past to earn my attention so I wouldn't put it past her if this was another move.

She was a ***** after we broke up and were hooking up on and off (2 months). Knowingly disrespectful things.

Only thing messing w/ my head is the fact she has been sober for over 12 months and may have "changed." If that is even possible. Hence why I was initially entertaining hearing her out - which may have consequences.

Anyone been in a similar position?

I am thinking of going w/ @sazc & @Glassguy combo - "glad to hear that your doing better but I dont think connecting is a great idea. Let's make your message the official apology and take care" OR no response
 
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RedScorpion

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There's potential for change to occur. Usually it takes years, but some progress can be made in a year. It largely depends on whether the personality issues stemmed as a result of the drinking, or if it merely destroyed the inhibition holding back them. Example, my grandfather was an alcoholic at a young age. Apparently quite cruel and violent. But he stayed sober for I think 35 years from 30 on. And as far as I'm aware, he was a good man for that period onward (after much work on himself I'm sure).

You'll have to know for yourself if you think it's from drinking alone or not. I wouldn't dwell on it, since I suspect you already know the answer.

Regardless of the potential outcome of this, I would put up a full emotional wall from her. And I would err on the side of caution (staying away from her), if you have doubts about the situation.

I haven't been in the exact position as you before (ex working on self, sobering up) - but I have been approached after a long period apart for a get together, and I declined. It had been fairly toxic before, and I wasn't eager to explore that potential toxicity again.
 

Trump

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By the way, the above advice is only after a HOT ex re-engages you. If the ex was not hot, the advice would be completely different.
 

marmel75

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Legends,

Need some advice. It's been roughly 14 months since my x and I broke up. I broke it off initially, then we got back together for a bit, then she broke it off. We were only exclusive for 8 months, but hooked up semi-regularly for 12 months prior.

She has also been completely sober for the past 12 months (AAA, the whole deal) - confirmed by close friends in our circle. Which was the reason I broke it off initially.

She hit me up on Facebook 2 weeks ago (I haven't responded) asking "I know this is out of the blue, but are you free to FaceTime or speak on the phone sometime soon?" I unfriended her on Instagram and snapchat 2 weeks before she reached out.

*caveat - right after we broke up, she stole my tattoo idea and put it between her legs. After this, I decided tattoos are not for me lol.

I am also having great success on tinder and bumble. I'm hooking up w/ several girls at the moment and closing new ones consistently.

Is there a way to respond to her without losing control of the situation? Should I even respond if this is my concern? I am going home in a month for the holidays and may run into her... we share many of the same friends.

She is also very very hot. Top 3 of the 65+

Sincerely,

The only way you lose control if is if you allow yourself to lose control.
 
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