How to get out of thought / attitude of "chasing"?

[AttackFormation]

Well...

She did not give me a chance to text her back...as she took it upon herself to call me 15 minutes ago.

She apologized for being a "shyt"...said she has been crazy busy. Wanted to chat, catch up, etc. I kept it very friendly, and I DID NOT attempt to make any type of plans with her. Setting myself up for rejection, I think...so I'll let her take the lead on that. I think I let the convo go on too long...but whatever.

Onward and upward.

My experience with women coming back to you like this is that they are doing one of two things:

1) Checking to see that you're still trying to fvck her. When YOU put in the effort and YOU suggest to see each other, she'll have her ego trip and bounce again. Remember that women need validation like a fish needs water.
or
2) They want to fvck you, in which case THEY will put in the drive and effort to see you, without you even mentioning it.

Women who want you help you and make it easy for you.

 

[oc16]

A few thoughts on this:

It's bad advice and a bad strategy to wait around for a girl to chase, call, or pursue you. Many don't and won't even if they want to, especially the attractive ones. Plus, it goes against the Law of Jungle. You want it? You take it. Or at least try. ALWAYS be the aggressor. Don't make the woman be the "man" by waiting around for her to chase or ask you out.

There is a huge difference in chasing vs. pursuing. Chasing is keeping after her even after she blows you off, flakes, makes excuses, gives you the LJBF talk, displays continually low IOI, or anything related. Pursuing is you planning a date and asking her if she'd like to join you--like you're doing it with or without her anyway. If you start dating her consistently, same thing. YOU plan the dates and make things happen. Always LEAD and act the MAN's part. We are the stronger, more assertive, dominant sex. Act like it and don't be a p*ussy.

One thing 98% of all men don't understand: Men are like blowtorches and women are like ovens. Proven fact. Many, many reasons for this and most are biological and evolutionary. Meaning we see a hot woman and want to immediately f*uck her. Women see a guy and think "Wow, who's he? I wonder what he's about?" and then she will look over covertly a few times or even place herself proximate to you and not say a word. There are differences between boys and girls and this is a big one. So just because she's lukewarm on date #1, doesn't mean you're 100% automatically out. Some women won't show all their cards and warm slowly. The key question is, are you advancing or just continuing things? You need to get good at reading the situation. A few moving parts here but the most important are does she accept your date offers and is she open to your escalations (which MUST be done)? A NO and NO and she's out. Don't turn into a Beta Male Orbiter as most guys would.

OP, my advice to you is to withdraw your attention for a while, maybe a few weeks. Then, message her again to say hi and check in. If you feel a vibe, tell her you're doing XY and Z and ask if she'd like to join you. If she gives you another "no" without a counter offer, lose the number and move on. If it's a yes, you MUST escalate on the date even if you risk a crash and burn. Got it?

Good luck.

~Dash~

What about a woman who clearly knows you are interested by getting her number and then asking her out. She gives you an answer that is 50/50, then COVID 19 happens. She initiated a few texts after that and I initiated the last one. This was probably 7 weeks ago and I have not heard from her since.

I don't think I am being too laid back or putting her in the "man" role. If she had an IL above 50%, I would of heard from her since. End of story

 

[BeExcellent]

A few thoughts on this:

It's bad advice and a bad strategy to wait around for a girl to chase, call, or pursue you. Many don't and won't even if they want to, especially the attractive ones. Plus, it goes against the Law of Jungle. You want it? You take it. Or at least try. ALWAYS be the aggressor. Don't make the woman be the "man" by waiting around for her to chase or ask you out.

There is a huge difference in chasing vs. pursuing. Chasing is keeping after her even after she blows you off, flakes, makes excuses, gives you the LJBF talk, displays continually low IOI, or anything related. Pursuing is you planning a date and asking her if she'd like to join you--like you're doing it with or without her anyway. If you start dating her consistently, same thing. YOU plan the dates and make things happen. Always LEAD and act the MAN's part. We are the stronger, more assertive, dominant sex. Act like it and don't be a p*ussy.

One thing 98% of all men don't understand: Men are like blowtorches and women are like ovens. Proven fact. Many, many reasons for this and most are biological and evolutionary. Meaning we see a hot woman and want to immediately f*uck her. Women see a guy and think "Wow, who's he? I wonder what he's about?" and then she will look over covertly a few times or even place herself proximate to you and not say a word. There are differences between boys and girls and this is a big one. So just because she's lukewarm on date #1, doesn't mean you're 100% automatically out. Some women won't show all their cards and warm slowly. The key question is, are you advancing or just continuing things? You need to get good at reading the situation. A few moving parts here but the most important are does she accept your date offers and is she open to your escalations (which MUST be done)? A NO and NO and she's out. Don't turn into a Beta Male Orbiter as most guys would.

OP, my advice to you is to withdraw your attention for a while, maybe a few weeks. Then, message her again to say hi and check in. If you feel a vibe, tell her you're doing XY and Z and ask if she'd like to join you. If she gives you another "no" without a counter offer, lose the number and move on. If it's a yes, you MUST escalate on the date even if you risk a crash and burn. Got it?

Good luck.

~Dash~

Would somebody PLEASE sticky the above post?

I (as a woman) am constantly jumping up and down around here trying to get men to understand that the best/prettiest/hottest/most high value women are NOT going to come running after a man. They are NOT going to initiate. These women want a MAN and if guys expect them to take the man’s role? Poof. They vanish thinking you’re a wishy washy wimp and they move on fast without wasting time.

I’ve been on about this on here for years. YEARS. Ok rant over.

Read and reread Dash’s posts guys. Especially the first paragraph.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Would somebody PLEASE sticky the above post?

I (as a woman) am constantly jumping up and down around here trying to get men to understand that the best/prettiest/hottest/most high value women are NOT going to come running after a man. They are NOT going to initiate. These women want a MAN and if guys expect them to take the man’s role? Poof. They vanish thinking you’re a wishy washy wimp and they move on fast without wasting time.

I’ve been on about this on here for years. YEARS. Ok rant over.

Read and reread Dash’s posts guys. Especially the first paragraph.

Younger women indeed do chase. I know your older. 35 and below its very common for them to act like a guy and go after what they want.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Would somebody PLEASE sticky the above post?

I (as a woman) am constantly jumping up and down around here trying to get men to understand that the best/prettiest/hottest/most high value women are NOT going to come running after a man. They are NOT going to initiate. These women want a MAN and if guys expect them to take the man’s role? Poof. They vanish thinking you’re a wishy washy wimp and they move on fast without wasting time.

I’ve been on about this on here for years. YEARS. Ok rant over.

Read and reread Dash’s posts guys. Especially the first paragraph.

Dash is a little different. Different type of dominance that we are used to in our generation.

I can see there must be natural "masculine-as-we-know-it" females under 35 that are chasing. The guys don't see that as a masculine trait. They believe women are the natural pursuers.
Someone like Dash still succeeds as he finds his approach works. Why fix what isn't broken.

I feel unusual cold approaching men as I'm sure you do too Be.
As tomboys, maybe we're confused that we are supposed to be the seducers not the seduced.

There's probably a small amount of men in the younger generation that act like Dash here on Sosuave.
But it probably seems easier and there's a higher success rate for them if they have the young girl chase them.
Plus, letting her choose him and ask him for a relationship protects against the dreaded oneitis.

We can all only act ourselves. But I'm with you. I wish guys still acted like how we grew up with them. They've all been hurt by women. Women neither one of us would have been friends with as we adore and revere and protect our men we always tried to hang around as much as possible.
Excuse me if I'm wrong and shouldn't have included you in the tomboy club but I'm sincerely and genuinely trying to identify with you.
As soon as I read you feel like jumping up and down to get them to sticky this post it reminded me of another post the other day that coincidentally Dash posted that I hoped would be pinned so I totally see your enthusiasm.
Every guy here is so important and I appreciate being a member. I have never learned so much in such a short time period about men and women and myself.

 

[BeExcellent]

I will simply say this. I do not approach men. I choose from the ones who approach me. Men need to select who they are attracted to and then make a move. Women need to select a man from among those who show interest and initiative toward her. A man selects through initiation. A woman by response.

To confuse this is to deny the natural order of things in humanity for millennia.

The top tier young women are still adhering to this way of things. But you are unlikely to find them in the nightclubs.

I outgrew being a tomboy in 7th grade. As an abrupt awakening to the fact that suddenly boys were interested in girls. Girly girls at that. And I knew everything about forts and sports and guns and bikes and treehouses and bugs...but nothing about dresses and make up and dolls and flirting and girly stuff. That was a lonely year. It was the year I realized boys didn’t want a tomboy...they wanted girls.

And over time I came to grasp what all that meant but it was a process guided predominantly by my female friends, once I began to make female friends. My mother was utterly useless in this. She did not contribute whatsoever to my socialization. She was compartmentalized and stunted in that way. Ever the achievement based intellectual but socially awkward & disconnected. My sisters and I all concur that we were sort of turned out into the wilderness socially in our teens. We learned what a real man was but not much about how to be a woman. We had manners and social graces but were not educated about social cues, and nuances. My mother was a haughty complete narcissist and thought all of that was beneath her intelligence.

We all were fortunate enough to be pretty and lucky to have solid groups of feminine girlfriends in time...but I was still learning about this when I went off to university. My college girlfriends used to tease me about it. They were the ones who took me to get my ears pierced at 18. I had no idea I was pretty, although I was poised and polite. Beauty was never discussed growing up. Never emphasized. My mother was victimized because she was pretty at the hands of her own father in her own youth. So she found beauty to be in her mind a liability...nevermind sexuality. Good God.

So growing up those things were never discussed. It was achieve achieve achieve. Be self reliant. Never need a man. That took a bit of deprogramming to say the least.

Enough about me. I have learned to be a feminine woman over time. And understand from my early 20s the allure of being beautiful. It’s kind of an amazing thing if put to proper use. I am deeply grateful. A blessing and responsibility I learned I think to wield well.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Sorry to hear that about your mom.

Grade seven is an excellent time to learn of the differences between tomboys and girliness.
Early 20's is still young enough to complete feminine training. How fortunate to have sisters and also to all be pretty.

I am scared to develop better attractiveness.
I'm willing to take unattractive in return.

 

[Focal core]

A man stops chasing by realizing and accepting that females do the choosing. When she really wants you she will be bothering you and trying to get at you, she will be persistant. They can "want" one guy and allow a few others to "entertain" her ( string them along ), that's what they do.

Man this is true, still has this girl i ghosted a year ago bothering me like nuts.. And seeing her with other guys as well.. Goshh im tired of avoiding her, she didnt seems to give up no matter how bad my response is.. The persistance were unbelievable, the problem is in early stage of Attraction she play games with me and thats a big no no for me.. Now im trap in her scheme, not only her, her friends are her accomplish too... Darn it..

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Man this is true, still has this girl i ghosted a year ago bothering me like nuts.. And seeing her with other guys as well.. Goshh im tired of avoiding her, she didnt seems to give up no matter how bad my response is.. The persistance were unbelievable, the problem is in early stage of Attraction she play games with me and thats a big no no for me.. Now im trap in her scheme, not only her, her friends are her accomplish too... Darn it..

You gotta pull out of that fiasco. It benefits her at your expense. Look at it as any of her friends "hitting it" and you are not. If that's the case she's using you for energy and confidence that she shares with the guys she lets "hit it". I'd leave and never communicate.

 

[Focal core]

You gotta pull out of that fiasco. It benefits her at your expense. Look at it as any of her friends "hitting it" and you are not. If that's the case she's using you for energy and confidence that she shares with the guys she lets "hit it". I'd leave and never communicate.

What do you mean at my expense? Im in full blown ignoring her mode, but now as time goes by she has figured how to draw my attention towards her which i cant avoid due to my nature as a leader. And hows that be beneficial to the other guys that she let in??

 

[mrgoodstuff]

What do you mean at my expense? Im in full blown ignoring her mode, but now as time goes by she has figured how to draw my attention towards her which i cant avoid due to my nature as a leader. And hows that be beneficial to the other guys that she let in??

If you ineract as her friend it gives her a lot of confidence which she can use with other guys. She will be giving you this "non fvckable" energy. I'd just minimize to remove any of my interactions. If you have to be around her you can have other babes around.

 

[Focal core]

If you ineract as her friend it gives her a lot of confidence which she can use with other guys. She will be giving you this "non fvckable" energy. I'd just minimize to remove any of my interactions. If you have to be around her you can have other babes around.

The problem is other babes were in her herd, the other babes are agency giving her info, and the other babes are hitting on me up too, but im sure of its part of her plan to get me in her circle, its some sort of scheme, putting the chess table at play.. A ploy...long term ones. No as a leader i dont need to to have an interaction with her, but the doggie dinner bowl looks, being in my proximity as many as she could, stopping me when i walks by playing talking to her friends in front of me, being playful etc.. U know all that.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

The problem is other babes were in her herd, the other babes are agency giving her info, and the other babes are hitting on me up too, but im sure of its part of her plan to get me in her circle, its some sort of scheme, putting the chess table at play.. A ploy...long term ones. No as a leader i dont need to to have an interaction with her, but the doggie dinner bowl looks, being in my proximity as many as she could, stopping me when i walks by playing talking to her friends in front of me, being playful etc.. U know all that.

Yea,, if any one of her "friends" would start fvcking you, it would neutralize her power on you. So you could be in that circle without being drained.

 

[Focal core]

Yea,, if any one of her "friends" would start fvcking you, it would neutralize her power on you. So you could be in that circle without being drained.

Welll that's not exactly what i had in mind or choice that im oblige to make since shes the alpha in her circles that would be a just another step for her for her to slip in.. I rest my case for now.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Welll that's not exactly what i had in mind or choice that im oblige to make since shes the alpha in her circles that would be a just another step for her for her to slip in.. I rest my case for now.

Yea, ideally she'd want some of your leadership or all of it diminished so you can "fit in" to her circle. So it's a no go...

 

[Focal core]

I will simply say this. I do not approach men. I choose from the ones who approach me. Men need to select who they are attracted to and then make a move. Women need to select a man from among those who show interest and initiative toward her. A man selects through initiation. A woman by response.

Subconsciously you're still saying youre the chooser.

 

[harrison9876]

OP, my advice to you is to withdraw your attention for a while, maybe a few weeks. Then, message her again to say hi and check in. If you feel a vibe, tell her you're doing XY and Z and ask if she'd like to join you. If she gives you another "no" without a counter offer, lose the number and move on. If it's a yes, you MUST escalate on the date even if you risk a crash and burn. Got it?

Hey all...

Well...I have not initiated any phone calls or texts.

She called me up again a few days ago, and asked me if I would help her with an audition (this is probably the 4th time since I have known her). I agreed...but had a voice at the back of my head saying, "mmmmm...is she just talking to me so I can help with her auditions?". Part of me thought I should find an excuse not to...but opted to go ahead.

It was our typical "Covid-19" Zoom meeting...in which I end up as the "teacher" (because I am soooooo damn awesome and more experienced ). Not necessarily a bad position to be in from my other experience ("if" a girl likes you).

I was planning on just helping with audition, and once done, cut it short (nothing personal...just business)...but she initiated personal convo right after. We ended up chatting for about 10-15 minutes. She wanted to know what I have been up to...what I am doing...how I have been doing, etc. She does not have a lot of friends here, and does not get out much (especially with Covid)...so I had the impression that she is really just talking me for those reasons.

Dash, since I felt like I was being dissed (LOW IL) from the last time I asked her for a walk/hike...I have not mentioned anything, asked again, and have not called her/texted her. Most likely I WILL hear from her again within 3 weeks. If I don't I'll check in...see what the vibe is like...and ask again if it feels right. Being in LA, though...its been quite limited as far as date options. There is nothing more "friend-like", than going for a hike/walk...so I'll have to figure something else out as things start to open up. Anyone else having this issue (limited options?)

My gut feeling is that this is a girl who does not know a lot of people, and wants to open up her social life. Looks at me as one of those people to add as a friend. I think I moved on from her anyway. Knowing her IL is low, I sorta lost my initial interest...

 

[bcude]

Hey all...

Well...I have not initiated any phone calls or texts.

She called me up again a few days ago, and asked me if I would help her with an audition (this is probably the 4th time since I have known her). I agreed...but had a voice at the back of my head saying, "mmmmm...is she just talking to me so I can help with her auditions?". Part of me thought I should find an excuse not to...but opted to go ahead.

It was our typical "Covid-19" Zoom meeting...in which I end up as the "teacher" (because I am soooooo damn awesome and more experienced ). Not necessarily a bad position to be in from my other experience ("if" a girl likes you).

I was planning on just helping with audition, and once done, cut it short (nothing personal...just business)...but she initiated personal convo right after. We ended up chatting for about 10-15 minutes. She wanted to know what I have been up to...what I am doing...how I have been doing, etc. She does not have a lot of friends here, and does not get out much (especially with Covid)...so I had the impression that she is really just talking me for those reasons.

Dash, since I felt like I was being dissed (LOW IL) from the last time I asked her for a walk/hike...I have not mentioned anything, asked again, and have not called her/texted her. Most likely I WILL hear from her again within 3 weeks. If I don't I'll check in...see what the vibe is like...and ask again if it feels right. Being in LA, though...its been quite limited as far as date options. There is nothing more "friend-like", than going for a hike/walk...so I'll have to figure something else out as things start to open up. Anyone else having this issue (limited options?)

My gut feeling is that this is a girl who does not know a lot of people, and wants to open up her social life. Looks at me as one of those people to add as a friend. I think I moved on from her anyway. Knowing her IL is low, I sorta lost my initial interest...

This is a problem with many nice guys who get run over in the end. They feel they are taken advantage of yet they give in despite the gut feeling saying no, so they're there for the lady to be kind because "it's the right thing to do" and hope something romantic will develop from it when she sees what a good hearted man he is. And let's be honest. It does feel good being her "teacher", right?

When you see yourself as a high value person and put alot of value on yourself and your precious time, you don't help her with her auditions just like that for free. You'll only do it because it benefits you or she's proven herself to be good to you, in other words she's worked for it. People only value what we have to work for. The opposite of that are the millions of orbiters who hand out gifts or acts of services before the woman needs to do anything at all, so their gifts and their time are nothing worth because it's so easily obtained.
So what's the natural response when she asks? You put up a challenge, you tease her etc. and you don't opt to just go ahead.
Her: "Sweet Harrison, i need help with my auditions again"
You: "oh, the price of my services have gone up due to strong demand during Covid19 so i don't think you'll be able to afford it."
Her: "haha, how much?"
You: "Make me an offer i can't refuse and i'll think about it."
Her: "haha, hmm... (comes up with some lame innocent offer while being intrigued by your newfound playfulness and confidence)"
You: "You'll have to do better than that. Come over for drinks tomorrow night at 8 pm so we can discuss this further and wear something appropriate for the setting. Or else i might sentence you to extra homework "
Her: blabla
You, depending on her answer: "Great! see you then" or "Silence"
No more wasted time. If she values you in any way she'll help you out in making something happen.
Win/Win

 

[harrison9876]

okay...

Well...go figure she messaged me yet again (today)...asking if I would help her with an audition. This was her message:

"Yo yo. How are you. Hope you had a good week. I have another very very short tape to do for a film tomorrow. Its literally just an action sequence and the tiniest bit of improv. Would only take a few minutes. Totally get it if you're busy or would rather not. I could do it on my own but could just be great to have a human to react to. Let me know. and let me know if I can help you out with anything."

My response (10 min. later):

(teasing) "I think you only ask me...because deep down...you know you want me... "

Her response:

"lol you got me. "


I messaged this as a way to set-up what was "going" to be a phone call - me teasing her about "making up" aaaaaaaaaaaall these auditions as an excuse to talk to me...blah blah blah...and how would just be easier to ask me for a drink...blah blah blah...

Soooooooooo...after her response above...I gave it a few minutes and called her.

No answer. Did not leave message.

That was a few hours ago.

She texted me just now (6 hours later) with this:

"Did you call me? no worries re tomorrow, as it is probably easier if I do it myself as there is a foreign dialogue that I have to react to"

I did not...and will not reply on this one...want to cut it loose, as I think we can all come to the same conclusion here...

NO IL whatsoever...only interested in me helping her with her scenes.

 

[harrison9876]

this kind of stuff happens a lot in Cali, I made a post about it actually re: women reigniting the friendzone.

Thanks man...I'll check it out