How to get out of thought / attitude of "chasing"?

[Lynx nkaf]

Would somebody PLEASE sticky the above post?

I (as a woman) am constantly jumping up and down around here trying to get men to understand that the best/prettiest/hottest/most high value women are NOT going to come running after a man. They are NOT going to initiate. These women want a MAN and if guys expect them to take the man’s role? Poof. They vanish thinking you’re a wishy washy wimp and they move on fast without wasting time.

I’ve been on about this on here for years. YEARS. Ok rant over.

Read and reread Dash’s posts guys. Especially the first paragraph.

Dash is a little different. Different type of dominance that we are used to in our generation.

I can see there must be natural "masculine-as-we-know-it" females under 35 that are chasing. The guys don't see that as a masculine trait. They believe women are the natural pursuers.
Someone like Dash still succeeds as he finds his approach works. Why fix what isn't broken.

I feel unusual cold approaching men as I'm sure you do too Be.
As tomboys, maybe we're confused that we are supposed to be the seducers not the seduced.

There's probably a small amount of men in the younger generation that act like Dash here on Sosuave.
But it probably seems easier and there's a higher success rate for them if they have the young girl chase them.
Plus, letting her choose him and ask him for a relationship protects against the dreaded oneitis.

We can all only act ourselves. But I'm with you. I wish guys still acted like how we grew up with them. They've all been hurt by women. Women neither one of us would have been friends with as we adore and revere and protect our men we always tried to hang around as much as possible.
Excuse me if I'm wrong and shouldn't have included you in the tomboy club but I'm sincerely and genuinely trying to identify with you.
As soon as I read you feel like jumping up and down to get them to sticky this post it reminded me of another post the other day that coincidentally Dash posted that I hoped would be pinned so I totally see your enthusiasm.
Every guy here is so important and I appreciate being a member. I have never learned so much in such a short time period about men and women and myself.

 

[BeExcellent]

I will simply say this. I do not approach men. I choose from the ones who approach me. Men need to select who they are attracted to and then make a move. Women need to select a man from among those who show interest and initiative toward her. A man selects through initiation. A woman by response.

To confuse this is to deny the natural order of things in humanity for millennia.

The top tier young women are still adhering to this way of things. But you are unlikely to find them in the nightclubs.

I outgrew being a tomboy in 7th grade. As an abrupt awakening to the fact that suddenly boys were interested in girls. Girly girls at that. And I knew everything about forts and sports and guns and bikes and treehouses and bugs...but nothing about dresses and make up and dolls and flirting and girly stuff. That was a lonely year. It was the year I realized boys didn’t want a tomboy...they wanted girls.

And over time I came to grasp what all that meant but it was a process guided predominantly by my female friends, once I began to make female friends. My mother was utterly useless in this. She did not contribute whatsoever to my socialization. She was compartmentalized and stunted in that way. Ever the achievement based intellectual but socially awkward & disconnected. My sisters and I all concur that we were sort of turned out into the wilderness socially in our teens. We learned what a real man was but not much about how to be a woman. We had manners and social graces but were not educated about social cues, and nuances. My mother was a haughty complete narcissist and thought all of that was beneath her intelligence.

We all were fortunate enough to be pretty and lucky to have solid groups of feminine girlfriends in time...but I was still learning about this when I went off to university. My college girlfriends used to tease me about it. They were the ones who took me to get my ears pierced at 18. I had no idea I was pretty, although I was poised and polite. Beauty was never discussed growing up. Never emphasized. My mother was victimized because she was pretty at the hands of her own father in her own youth. So she found beauty to be in her mind a liability...nevermind sexuality. Good God.

So growing up those things were never discussed. It was achieve achieve achieve. Be self reliant. Never need a man. That took a bit of deprogramming to say the least.

Enough about me. I have learned to be a feminine woman over time. And understand from my early 20s the allure of being beautiful. It’s kind of an amazing thing if put to proper use. I am deeply grateful. A blessing and responsibility I learned I think to wield well.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Sorry to hear that about your mom.

Grade seven is an excellent time to learn of the differences between tomboys and girliness.
Early 20's is still young enough to complete feminine training. How fortunate to have sisters and also to all be pretty.

I am scared to develop better attractiveness.
I'm willing to take unattractive in return.

 

[Focal core]

A man stops chasing by realizing and accepting that females do the choosing. When she really wants you she will be bothering you and trying to get at you, she will be persistant. They can "want" one guy and allow a few others to "entertain" her ( string them along ), that's what they do.

Man this is true, still has this girl i ghosted a year ago bothering me like nuts.. And seeing her with other guys as well.. Goshh im tired of avoiding her, she didnt seems to give up no matter how bad my response is.. The persistance were unbelievable, the problem is in early stage of Attraction she play games with me and thats a big no no for me.. Now im trap in her scheme, not only her, her friends are her accomplish too... Darn it..

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Man this is true, still has this girl i ghosted a year ago bothering me like nuts.. And seeing her with other guys as well.. Goshh im tired of avoiding her, she didnt seems to give up no matter how bad my response is.. The persistance were unbelievable, the problem is in early stage of Attraction she play games with me and thats a big no no for me.. Now im trap in her scheme, not only her, her friends are her accomplish too... Darn it..

You gotta pull out of that fiasco. It benefits her at your expense. Look at it as any of her friends "hitting it" and you are not. If that's the case she's using you for energy and confidence that she shares with the guys she lets "hit it". I'd leave and never communicate.

 

[Focal core]

You gotta pull out of that fiasco. It benefits her at your expense. Look at it as any of her friends "hitting it" and you are not. If that's the case she's using you for energy and confidence that she shares with the guys she lets "hit it". I'd leave and never communicate.

What do you mean at my expense? Im in full blown ignoring her mode, but now as time goes by she has figured how to draw my attention towards her which i cant avoid due to my nature as a leader. And hows that be beneficial to the other guys that she let in??

 

[mrgoodstuff]

What do you mean at my expense? Im in full blown ignoring her mode, but now as time goes by she has figured how to draw my attention towards her which i cant avoid due to my nature as a leader. And hows that be beneficial to the other guys that she let in??

If you ineract as her friend it gives her a lot of confidence which she can use with other guys. She will be giving you this "non fvckable" energy. I'd just minimize to remove any of my interactions. If you have to be around her you can have other babes around.

 

[Focal core]

If you ineract as her friend it gives her a lot of confidence which she can use with other guys. She will be giving you this "non fvckable" energy. I'd just minimize to remove any of my interactions. If you have to be around her you can have other babes around.

The problem is other babes were in her herd, the other babes are agency giving her info, and the other babes are hitting on me up too, but im sure of its part of her plan to get me in her circle, its some sort of scheme, putting the chess table at play.. A ploy...long term ones. No as a leader i dont need to to have an interaction with her, but the doggie dinner bowl looks, being in my proximity as many as she could, stopping me when i walks by playing talking to her friends in front of me, being playful etc.. U know all that.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

The problem is other babes were in her herd, the other babes are agency giving her info, and the other babes are hitting on me up too, but im sure of its part of her plan to get me in her circle, its some sort of scheme, putting the chess table at play.. A ploy...long term ones. No as a leader i dont need to to have an interaction with her, but the doggie dinner bowl looks, being in my proximity as many as she could, stopping me when i walks by playing talking to her friends in front of me, being playful etc.. U know all that.

Yea,, if any one of her "friends" would start fvcking you, it would neutralize her power on you. So you could be in that circle without being drained.

 

[Focal core]

Yea,, if any one of her "friends" would start fvcking you, it would neutralize her power on you. So you could be in that circle without being drained.

Welll that's not exactly what i had in mind or choice that im oblige to make since shes the alpha in her circles that would be a just another step for her for her to slip in.. I rest my case for now.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Welll that's not exactly what i had in mind or choice that im oblige to make since shes the alpha in her circles that would be a just another step for her for her to slip in.. I rest my case for now.

Yea, ideally she'd want some of your leadership or all of it diminished so you can "fit in" to her circle. So it's a no go...

 

[Focal core]

I will simply say this. I do not approach men. I choose from the ones who approach me. Men need to select who they are attracted to and then make a move. Women need to select a man from among those who show interest and initiative toward her. A man selects through initiation. A woman by response.

Subconsciously you're still saying youre the chooser.

 

[harrison9876]

OP, my advice to you is to withdraw your attention for a while, maybe a few weeks. Then, message her again to say hi and check in. If you feel a vibe, tell her you're doing XY and Z and ask if she'd like to join you. If she gives you another "no" without a counter offer, lose the number and move on. If it's a yes, you MUST escalate on the date even if you risk a crash and burn. Got it?

Hey all...

Well...I have not initiated any phone calls or texts.

She called me up again a few days ago, and asked me if I would help her with an audition (this is probably the 4th time since I have known her). I agreed...but had a voice at the back of my head saying, "mmmmm...is she just talking to me so I can help with her auditions?". Part of me thought I should find an excuse not to...but opted to go ahead.

It was our typical "Covid-19" Zoom meeting...in which I end up as the "teacher" (because I am soooooo damn awesome and more experienced ). Not necessarily a bad position to be in from my other experience ("if" a girl likes you).

I was planning on just helping with audition, and once done, cut it short (nothing personal...just business)...but she initiated personal convo right after. We ended up chatting for about 10-15 minutes. She wanted to know what I have been up to...what I am doing...how I have been doing, etc. She does not have a lot of friends here, and does not get out much (especially with Covid)...so I had the impression that she is really just talking me for those reasons.

Dash, since I felt like I was being dissed (LOW IL) from the last time I asked her for a walk/hike...I have not mentioned anything, asked again, and have not called her/texted her. Most likely I WILL hear from her again within 3 weeks. If I don't I'll check in...see what the vibe is like...and ask again if it feels right. Being in LA, though...its been quite limited as far as date options. There is nothing more "friend-like", than going for a hike/walk...so I'll have to figure something else out as things start to open up. Anyone else having this issue (limited options?)

My gut feeling is that this is a girl who does not know a lot of people, and wants to open up her social life. Looks at me as one of those people to add as a friend. I think I moved on from her anyway. Knowing her IL is low, I sorta lost my initial interest...

 

[bcude]

Hey all...

Well...I have not initiated any phone calls or texts.

She called me up again a few days ago, and asked me if I would help her with an audition (this is probably the 4th time since I have known her). I agreed...but had a voice at the back of my head saying, "mmmmm...is she just talking to me so I can help with her auditions?". Part of me thought I should find an excuse not to...but opted to go ahead.

It was our typical "Covid-19" Zoom meeting...in which I end up as the "teacher" (because I am soooooo damn awesome and more experienced ). Not necessarily a bad position to be in from my other experience ("if" a girl likes you).

I was planning on just helping with audition, and once done, cut it short (nothing personal...just business)...but she initiated personal convo right after. We ended up chatting for about 10-15 minutes. She wanted to know what I have been up to...what I am doing...how I have been doing, etc. She does not have a lot of friends here, and does not get out much (especially with Covid)...so I had the impression that she is really just talking me for those reasons.

Dash, since I felt like I was being dissed (LOW IL) from the last time I asked her for a walk/hike...I have not mentioned anything, asked again, and have not called her/texted her. Most likely I WILL hear from her again within 3 weeks. If I don't I'll check in...see what the vibe is like...and ask again if it feels right. Being in LA, though...its been quite limited as far as date options. There is nothing more "friend-like", than going for a hike/walk...so I'll have to figure something else out as things start to open up. Anyone else having this issue (limited options?)

My gut feeling is that this is a girl who does not know a lot of people, and wants to open up her social life. Looks at me as one of those people to add as a friend. I think I moved on from her anyway. Knowing her IL is low, I sorta lost my initial interest...

This is a problem with many nice guys who get run over in the end. They feel they are taken advantage of yet they give in despite the gut feeling saying no, so they're there for the lady to be kind because "it's the right thing to do" and hope something romantic will develop from it when she sees what a good hearted man he is. And let's be honest. It does feel good being her "teacher", right?

When you see yourself as a high value person and put alot of value on yourself and your precious time, you don't help her with her auditions just like that for free. You'll only do it because it benefits you or she's proven herself to be good to you, in other words she's worked for it. People only value what we have to work for. The opposite of that are the millions of orbiters who hand out gifts or acts of services before the woman needs to do anything at all, so their gifts and their time are nothing worth because it's so easily obtained.
So what's the natural response when she asks? You put up a challenge, you tease her etc. and you don't opt to just go ahead.
Her: "Sweet Harrison, i need help with my auditions again"
You: "oh, the price of my services have gone up due to strong demand during Covid19 so i don't think you'll be able to afford it."
Her: "haha, how much?"
You: "Make me an offer i can't refuse and i'll think about it."
Her: "haha, hmm... (comes up with some lame innocent offer while being intrigued by your newfound playfulness and confidence)"
You: "You'll have to do better than that. Come over for drinks tomorrow night at 8 pm so we can discuss this further and wear something appropriate for the setting. Or else i might sentence you to extra homework "
Her: blabla
You, depending on her answer: "Great! see you then" or "Silence"
No more wasted time. If she values you in any way she'll help you out in making something happen.
Win/Win

 

[harrison9876]

okay...

Well...go figure she messaged me yet again (today)...asking if I would help her with an audition. This was her message:

"Yo yo. How are you. Hope you had a good week. I have another very very short tape to do for a film tomorrow. Its literally just an action sequence and the tiniest bit of improv. Would only take a few minutes. Totally get it if you're busy or would rather not. I could do it on my own but could just be great to have a human to react to. Let me know. and let me know if I can help you out with anything."

My response (10 min. later):

(teasing) "I think you only ask me...because deep down...you know you want me... "

Her response:

"lol you got me. "


I messaged this as a way to set-up what was "going" to be a phone call - me teasing her about "making up" aaaaaaaaaaaall these auditions as an excuse to talk to me...blah blah blah...and how would just be easier to ask me for a drink...blah blah blah...

Soooooooooo...after her response above...I gave it a few minutes and called her.

No answer. Did not leave message.

That was a few hours ago.

She texted me just now (6 hours later) with this:

"Did you call me? no worries re tomorrow, as it is probably easier if I do it myself as there is a foreign dialogue that I have to react to"

I did not...and will not reply on this one...want to cut it loose, as I think we can all come to the same conclusion here...

NO IL whatsoever...only interested in me helping her with her scenes.

 

[harrison9876]

this kind of stuff happens a lot in Cali, I made a post about it actually re: women reigniting the friendzone.

Thanks man...I'll check it out

 

[Spaz]

Every women loves the idea of having a multitude of men chasing after them, it conveys a sense of value and perhaps an acknowledgement that their feminine charms work.

Reality is of course very much different, women might not want to admit it but they enjoy chasing after men, they are everywhere where men are, even in Sosuave where its supposed to be for men, women will be sniffing around, they can't help it.

They will create an illusion that its you chasing after them WHEN it is them who actually initiated it by sending covert and sometimes overt signals to get ur attention.

That's the mating dance.

A women is like a cat and the man a mouse, the more slippery the mouse is the more she wants to catch him.

The more available he is the more bored the cat becomes.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Every women loves the idea of having a multitude of men chasing after them, it conveys a sense of value and perhaps an acknowledgement that their feminine charms work.

Reality is of course very much different, women might not want to admit it but they enjoy chasing after men, they are everywhere where men are, even in Sosuave where its supposed to be for men, women will be sniffing around, they can't help it.

They will create an illusion that its you chasing after them WHEN it is them who actually initiated it by sending covert and sometimes overt signals to get ur attention.

That's the mating dance.

A women is like a cat and the man a mouse, the more slippery the mouse is the more she wants to catch him.

The more available he is the more bored the cat becomes.

Coming of age I had my Dad almost challenge me...'you're going to have guys lined up out the door' and 'you'd make a good wife someday to a man'

Mixed messages, lmao

 

[harrison9876]

A women is like a cat and the man a mouse, the more slippery the mouse is the more she wants to catch him.

The more available he is the more bored the cat becomes.

Well....I tossed her number a few weeks ago. Not calling her again, not asking her to do anything. BUT...it is a foregone conclusion that she will be initiating a text or calling me again within the next week or two. Probably for EXACTLY the same thing - helping her with an audition.

That said. I was just not going to reply. Ghost her, and drop it. Move on. Next. etc.

How would you guys handle it, given what is going on?

TIA

Mike

 

[Blacksheep]

Hey guys,


Girl - 37 years old. Ended a relationship with her Fiance 12 months ago (bad break-up)...and moved to LA to get away from it.


Met her on an online Zoom class (acting) last month. She asked me if I would help her with a scene she needed to film for an audition, and we exchanged numbers.

Been helping her a few times the past weeks, and visa versa (over Zoom)...and after...we would end up chatting for 5-10 minutes. Joking, catching up, just typical, "getting to know each other" vibes...alongside my Superhero Awesome-ness.

She is single...and seems to be a bit of a loner right now...does not have a car.

Getting to know her the past few weeks, she ended up being a girl who was "not really my type"...to a being a girl who I thought was "sorta cute"...and now...a girl I am really interested in. Go figure.

Straight up...I am NOT a DJ, by this forums standards...no way.

When I was younger (I am 45 now, but look 35), I was more agressive...pursued women (mainly models and actresses), set-up dates etc...had some good experiences...but I was never had as much game as many of the DJ's who post here. I actually found that chasing women was a detriment for me, as I ACTED interested in them, if that makes sense. I chase girl...girl goes into defense mode.

For the most part, all the girls I ended up being in really nice relationships with, were women I put in the friends zone first, and then eventually they expressed interest, or made a move on me. There was really no "dating". In-fact I do not think I have ever "technically" dated any of them.

I find online dating terrible, as most women my age I do not connect with. Yes, I am 45...but I am healthy as shyt. I workout, and lean, ripped, & toned...and most women my age are not. I think out of the many women I have matched with online, I have only had 2 dates, and no one I was really that into.

So my dating game is really at an all-time low...even moreso with the stay at home order.

Anyway...

We live 40 minutes away from each other...and as mentioned, she does not have a car (I cannot invite her over)...

I would have asked her for a drink, but with everything closed and not being able to really do much...I asked her out for a hike a couple weeks ago. She seemed really excited that I asked her, and we made plans.

It was pretty casual...nothing crazy...and I found myself much more into her than I thought I would be. But...I also did not sense much "interest" on her part, which was a bit disappointing. My impression is that she is really trying to focus on her career and figure herself out (seems like she is not interested in dating anyone), as I know the break-up is still affecting her.

I am pretty sure she just wants to be friends...which I am okay with...BUT...as I am finding myself really interested in her, I feel like I am going back to an OLD habit of chasing her, regardless.

Since the hike, I have texted her twice, and called her once. All times felt like, "Damn man...be careful...you are chasing her..."

I messaged her yesterday, asking if she wanted to meet me for another hike...her response was pretty much what I expected, essentially, "I have just signed up for an intense online course, so not sure if I'll be swamped in it...let me know when you are thinking of going nearer the time though...hope you are well."

Pretty unemotional. Nothing to read into. Not a huge interest on her part. I wrote some funny shyt back in a reply and left it at that.

So.

She has low IL, likes me as a person and friend...and from what I can tell has no interest beyond that. Regardless...I feel like I am still chasing her.

I am thinking of either NOT following through on the invite...just not call...and see if she ever calls me or texts me again. Basically, drop of the face of the planet unless she reaches out. Only talk/message/call if she initiates. No exceptions. At the very least to keep myself from chasing a girl who does not want to be chased.

OR

Follow through on the invite...and go only as a friend. I am 99.9% sure any escalation beyond that is going to result in me embarrassing myself..

Thoughts?

This is not good man! Sorry for that =/

When a woman wants to be with you, she will find a way to be there. If she want to have sex with you, you don't even have to play the DJ Game. Whatever you say or do will have the same effect.

The more we desire something, the more we will suffer by that, cause we cannot fullfil our expectations 100% of the time. Same for that girl, you feel that passion and desire, but she don't. Then, everytime you stay around her you will suffer inside.

IMO I don't believe in female friendship... the ones I considered friends were women that didn't attracted me sexually, but all of them wanted to be sexually aroused with me. So they were around on a expectation that someday it would happen, and some of those women tried to have sex with me even if I was there talking normally.

The same happen to us... We kinda pursue that fantasy, because in some ways living that fantasy is somehow pleasurable. I felt that during my life for some women too... The pain of not having and the desire/passion is so intense. So we think that if we do our best, showed our best side to that woman, she will fall in love for us. But the sad reality is that: it won't happen... cause she would probably be chasing another guy or dating another guy.

Not trying to delude you or being negative, just trying to help you see that situation outside that emotional feelings. I know how it is to be in that situation cause I lived that so many times and in some many ways.

I suggest you to ask yourself: What does she have so special that other women don't? Also, is she so worth investing your time by the way she is treating you? Do you deserve that?

There is more to do with your time. Like being with a woman who really wants to be with you or doing something pleasurable. On what you said here, this will only hurt you.

Hope that I could help in some way. And good luck on that man! Keep it up! =)