how to get my ex gf back

[SBW]

Yes, you are right Othello.

That is exactly what I intend to try and do from now on.

 

[Igetit!]

Just from reading your posts, you seem to comply to women a little bit too much.

AGREED,but that's only part of the problem.


Even though I've already said this a billion times,I'll say it again: The problem is that he's giving her relationship benefits WITHOUT the commitment.


This girl has no reason to want to get into a relationship with him because she's already getting everything she wants in a relationship NOW,while she's single.


The only difference between the way things are now and the way they'd be if they'd officially became a couple is that if she were to enter into a relationship with him,she'd be tied down.




She wouldn't be getting anything extra that she's not already getting.


It's just that the way things are now,she can come and go as she pleases.


More than likely,she'll just keep things the way they are until she meets a guy she wants to be in a relationship with,then this will be over with.



She's in COMPLETE CONTROL over this situation,and that's the way it'll stay until SBW decides to stand up and be a MAN.




His first post about this situation was on 11-25-09,a MONTH AND A HALF AGO,and nothing has changed,and it's not going to.



Even though he asked for advice back in November,this "madness" started 6 months prior to that,back in June.




So if thing haven't improved in 7 months,I don't know why they'd suddenly get better now,especially when all the advice everyone has given has yet to be applied.




SBW,you seemed to be upset with this girl over those "b!tchy" text messages she sent you the other night.


I don't know why,since YOU'RE THE ONE allowing all this foolishness to take place.




If you'd just be a man and refuse to be treated with anything LESS THAN dignity and respect,she'd either rise her behavior up to the level that she knows you find acceptable,or you'd have kicked her childishness and indecisiveness to the curb a long time ago.



To be honest,I don't know which one is worse:Her immature,infantile behavior,or you choosing to continue putting up with it.




When a girl strings a guy along like that,that means there's something wrong inside of HIM.




All this drama with a girl YOU'RE NOT EVEN DATING YET.





Yes,you're right about what I said. If (by some miracle) you did decide to put your pride and self-respect as a MAN ahead of this twisted,juvenile of a woman,she would throw a fit.


She'd go nuts;calling you,texting you,trying to use sex,whatever she could think of in order to get things back to the way they were when she had you as a backup,a spare tire,just something to pass the time until she met someone she does want to commit to.



She'd do all that,and you'd be deceived...again. You'd think that all that behavior from her meant that she FINALLY saw the light,and now she wants to date you.



So you'd go back,things would be ok for a few days,maybe a week or two,then she'd go right back to treating you like she does now.



Seems to me like you have oneitus. No man in his right mind would settle for being some chick's side show while she's waiting for the main attraction to come along.



I agree with those people who told you "good luck" with trying to sort this thing out.




Hopefully someone will chime in here and give you some sort of info that can help you out in this situation.

 

[SBW]

AGREED,SBW,you seemed to be upset with this girl over those "b!tchy" text messages she sent you the other night.


If you'd just be a man and refuse to be treated with anything LESS THAN dignity and respect,she'd either rise her behavior up to the level that she knows you find acceptable,or you'd have kicked her childishness and indecisiveness to the curb a long time ago.



To be honest,I don't know which one is worse:Her immature,infantile behavior,or you choosing to continue putting up with it.


Seems to me like you have oneitus. No man in his right mind would settle for being some chick's side show while she's waiting for the main attraction to come along.

Not upset at all, more bemused and trying to get a handle on what drives her to these extremes.

Yes. However I've called her bluff and stood right up to her now, so I'll see if that brings any significant change. If not, I won't waste any more sleep on her. Some of her later texts were pretty much berating me for keeping my self-respect. Hmmm....!

Well, I came from a place of genuine affection and tolerance for her and her situation, so I don't think that was wrong in itself? I certainly went about it all the wrong way though.

Not oneitis, I got through that one a very long time ago but it is true I decided I'd try harder and longer with her, for a number of reasons.

Many thanks for your insight and advice here - I've learned a lot and will continue to learn, both about this situation and for myself in general. Whatever happens next, I owe this board a lot for opening my eyes to quite a number of things - about myself and women in general.

 

[Accension]

I didn't read your post OP, I don't need to.

A relationship is -- like a pool.
The water can be clear, dirty, hot, cold -- but if your pool is filled with piss or the cu/\/\ of another guy, don't-even-bother.

Find a fresh pool to get wet in.

 

[SBW]

Well, the Aquavit lady said yes to going on a hillwalk with me when the weather improves. She's a fit, active outdoorsy woman and just now I am actually kind-of longing for the fresh air and wildness of the mountains here. Its been too long since I was last out in the wild. Spent too much time in pubs and clubs with D**** maybe? Although my singing voice and dancing skills have improved no-end, so at least I can thank her for that I suppose?

Also interesting to observe that when she left me to go see her boss briefly, she returned with her hair and makeup redone perfectly and I doubt it was done for him (scruffy guy).

Only trouble with her is that she is on contract and her job involves working away for long periods, so anything there could be very stop-start. Which is actually one of the reasons I didn't ask her out a good couple of years ago, when I felt I got a lot of interest from her when we worked together that time. The other was she was apparently still involved with a guy who was posted to NY for five years.

 

[SBW]

OK guys, she's broken silence.

With a text saying she needs me to urgently sort out something for her and her boy.

Since my last post, I went out on Friday night and went to a music bar I don't often visit, where I met a chap I knew some years ago but don't see very much of now. Anyway, after chatting to him for a while, I got talking to a lady in his group of friends and she accepted my invitation to come and see a band in another bar with me, where we had a pleasant enough evening that was observed by two people who also go to one of the places my ex sings in. I got a kiss, her number and am going out again with her in a fortnight.

The next night, I had a splendid evening with the lady I mentioned in post 102 and part way through the evening, one of ex's colleagues and her friends came into that gig. Again, she certainly saw us.

I took today to myself and spent it up amongst the snowy mountains. Very refreshing and great for helping you get perspective on important things again.

News travels fast - hmmm?

I don't intend to reply straight away but I should probably give her an answer before the end of tomorrow?

 

[SBW]

In the time it took me to go to my PC & type this, she has sent me another four appealing/desperate texts have replied to say "hang-on!"

 

[Rez]

For a guy who claims to get laid on a regular basis, you sure do come across as incongruent with your actions. Why focus on 1 girl (your ex) when finding someone new is supposedly so easy for you?

Bro, what you did was really lame and childish. Making a list is okay but showing it to your girl and expecting her to stick around is a great way to push her out of your life for good.

The lesson here is what's most important.

 

[Igetit!]

HEY REZ...


You got the wrong dude man.

The guy who originally started this there is TESTSINNER,and he's been looong gone.

In the time it took me to go to my PC & type this, she has sent me another four appealing/desperate texts have replied to say "hang-on!"

This is the same girl who you originally started posting in this thread about,the one you want to form a relationship with,but who's been keeps giving you the run-a-round for the past 7 months,right?


Personally,I'd tell her to get lost,but that's just me.


Anyway,this is kinda what I figured what would happen. It's like I said,if you back off,TRUELY BACKOFF,then she'd go nuts trying to use whatever she could get her hands on you get you back tangled up in that neverending foolishness,but honestly,using her kid????


That's low dude. That's real low.



I can see using sex,but to go as far as using her kid to lure you back is kind of sick. And the crazy part is she's not even doing it to get back into a relationship with you,she's trying to get you back to being on "standby" mode. I don't even know what to say about that.


I guess you can reply whatever you want. I wouldn't have replied at all.

 

[Weezy]

This post is a great example of why you need to go strait NC...

If you look at early threads, I'm just as curious as SBW about getting back with my EX.. Even thought of buying and ring and all that.

I fought tooth and nail to not give in to breaking NC though.. It's been over 4 months since we hugged goodbye after our 3 year LTR...

The funny thing is is that I don't even think about her other than a fleeting thought here and there. I've moved onto other chicks who now fill my brain. Any power my EX had over me is gone as I don't have any desire to be with her now that I've hung out with other chicks.

NC just plan fn works. SBW.. You really should open your eyes man, you're just causing yourself way to much fn pain man... It isn't worth it.

 

[caliente05]

Dude, you f*cked up. You should have never shown her the list. If you had sex with 3 more girls after your ex and she knows, you might as well hang it up. If it is so easy for you to get girls don't worry about chasing after her. If she wants you, then she will come to you.

 

[SBW]

Anyway,this is kinda what I figured what would happen. It's like I said,if you back off,TRUELY BACKOFF,then she'd go nuts trying to use whatever she could get her hands on you get you back tangled up in that neverending foolishness,but honestly,using her kid????

That's low dude. That's real low.

I can see using sex,but to go as far as using her kid to lure you back is kind of sick. And the crazy part is she's not even doing it to get back into a relationship with you,she's trying to get you back to being on "standby" mode. I don't even know what to say about that.


I guess you can reply whatever you want. I wouldn't have replied at all.

Yes. You have been spot-on with everything so far. Uncanny, thanks.

Maybe low but she does know I get on really well with the boy and he has come on greatly since I've been around.

I'm not going to be willing to go back on standby this time though - She will get her attention fix, then I'll go back to limited NC untill she hopefully begins to get less hysterical and more even in her behaviour, or I'll be right off again. Either way, she will be seeing a lot less of me FTM.

And at this point, I'm also not decided if I'll even be wanting to see if this will play-out further. Depends on how my other options go.

 

[SBW]

This post is a great example of why you need to go strait NC...

Any power my EX had over me is gone as I don't have any desire to be with her now that I've hung out with other chicks.

NC just plan fn works. SBW.. You really should open your eyes man, you're just causing yourself way to much fn pain man... It isn't worth it.

Thanks - Yes it seems to be going great FTM.

She has a lot less power over me now, even compared to a month ago. Ignoring her hardly bothered me at all.

The challenge and her responses to my changes in behaviour are the most interesting things to me FTM.

 

[Igetit!]

This girl is going to DESTROY YOU emotionally,and that's a PROMISE.


Watch.

 

[SBW]

I will be watching, very carefully.

Thanks.

 

[SBW]

Ok, two weeks of silence and avoiding anywhere she or her mates might be - except for one, where I have been with two different women.

She's now texting again. Nicely!

 

[SBW]

Right!

Today, she started by texting me a dirty joke. So a few hours later, I sent her back an even dirtier one.

Then she sent a text asking me how I was, to which I replied "fine but busy"

Next I got a long text telling me how sad she's been and how this week has been very hard because it is also the anniversary of the death of one of her closest friends. To which I give a vaguely sympathetic - "Hope you remember the good things" type reply.

Then she drops the bombshell - and when it comes to finding reasons why I have go to see her, I must admit, this woman has found a good one. It appears we have both been exposed to a nasty and communicable illness!

 

[Kailex]

Um, want to elaborate on that please?

 

[SBW]

We were at a party in her hometown a while back and one of the fellow guests has just died from a serious and infectious illness, so there is a risk of exposure for everyone who was there. The local hospital is treating it pretty seriously and have set-up a drop-in clinic for anyone who might have been exposed to to get checked out.

I don't know the poor woman but at we were sitting with her brother and his wife, so there is probably a genuine reason to at least be checked and eliminated?

 

[2crudedudes]

We were at a party in her hometown a while back and one of the fellow guests has just died from a serious and infectious illness, so there is a risk of exposure for everyone who was there. The local hospital is treating it pretty seriously and have set-up a drop-in clinic for anyone who might have been exposed to to get checked out.

I don't know the poor woman but at we were sitting with her brother and his wife, so there is probably a genuine reason to at least be checked and eliminated?

Well, she said "anniversary" so its been at least a year. Wouldn't you have shown some symptoms by now?