How do you handle finances with your woman?

[oldmanofthesea]

Curious how you guys in LTRs or marriages handle this.

 

[Serenity]

I have my income, she has hers. She pays some of the bills and half the mortgage, I pay some of the bills and the other half of the mortgage. Anything she wants she pays for with money she has earned, I pay for what I want. Things we both want we buy together, as in sometimes I pay for it and sometimes she pays for it. Grocieries and such we split as well, none of us really look at the numbers.

We're not exact, it's all just a rough estimation. I do make quite a bit more money than her, so I do spend more money on the things we share, but it's not a big deal. I still have a good chunk of money every month to invest or blow on things I don't really need.

As you can probably tell there's no system, this only works because we're both reasonable with our spending. Other than that we just communicate.

On our first few dates she insisted on paying half of the time, she hates asking for money and is very humble when given money (even from me).

 

[oldmanofthesea]

She sounds like a keeper... and low drama.

If you make much more than her, out of curiosity, why did you two decide to split the mortgage evenly 50/50?

 

[Kotaix]

I have always kept my money separate from that of my woman. I must admit that it's a control thing, but that's how I like it.

It works fine with the current gf. We keep a rough mental estimate of who has purchased what. If it goes out of balance, she will make up the balance without being prompted to, or will prompt me to do it if the ball is in my court, but she is set on splitting things evenly.

 

[Serenity]

She sounds like a keeper... and low drama.

If you make much more than her, out of curiosity, why did you two decide to split the mortgage evenly 50/50?

Because we bought it before we married, she could afford it and we had about the same amount of equity. Just made it cleaner to split the house and the mortgage in case our relationship didn't work out. She didn't own a house or apartment before we met, she lived with her mother and saved a lot of money. She moved into my apartment which I had a mortgage on and I kept 100% of it, so she took some of the other expenses and kept saving a lot. When we bought the house together it didn't impact her finances much, the money she used to save anyways is now used to pay her part of the mortgage.

It's a better deal to pay down on an appreciating asset than to save money and let it get eaten by inflation anyways.

 

[EyeBRollin]

She sounds like a keeper... and low drama.

If you make much more than her, out of curiosity, why did you two decide to split the mortgage evenly 50/50?

Things like this must be ironed out in the prenup. And correct, that is not an equitable split. If I make $100K and wifey makes $150K, she should be paying 50% more. Etch that in stone.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

@Serenity That makes sense - especially given that you both could afford it and did it before the relationship. Makes things very simple.

@EyeBRollin I agree with you 100%, and the same the other way around. If I make 50% more, I should pay 50% more. Basically, everyone should feel the same amount of load that is proportioned to their income level. And I agree that this should all be ironed out in a pre-nup but many women respond poorly to those. They start playing this, "Gosh it sounds like you are talking about you vs me instead of us together," game, but you know who generally benefits from vagueness if a divorce ends up happening.

 

[EyeBRollin]

@EyeBRollin I agree with you 100%, and the same the other way around. If I make 50% more, I should pay 50% more. Basically, everyone should feel the same amount of load that is proportioned to their income level. And I agree that this should all be ironed out in a pre-nup but many women respond poorly to those. They start playing this, "Gosh it sounds like you are talking about you vs me instead of us together," game, but you know who generally benefits from vagueness if a divorce ends up happening.

Yes. And that is why we have to get her interest level to 100%... to the point where she is pressing us for marriage. That is the most favorable negotiating position.

“We’re going to have an equitable split in our marriage.”
“But that doesn’t sound right.. I don’t want-“
“It’s cool then, let’s just keep our relationship the way it is.”

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Yes. And that is why we have to get her interest level to 100%... to the point where she is pressing us for marriage. That is the most favorable negotiating position.

“We’re going to have an equitable split in our marriage.”
“But that doesn’t sound right.. I don’t want-“
“It’s cool then, let’s just keep our relationship the way it is.”

That’s exactly where I am with the girl I’ve been dating for a year now. She has been pushing to move in together and also to get married. But when that equitable split conversation comes up, she gets upset and that’s a huge red flag to me. So I tell her we can keep it how it is. The worst part for me is that I truly thinks she believes she wants what is fair and isn’t looking to live high on my money. But her actions say otherwise. And when someone believes they aren’t doing what they are actually doing, you can’t even have a conversation with them about it. It’s like arguing with a flat-earther. Oh well. On the plus side, I am making wise decisions about my own future.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I would NOT get married unless she was a stay-at-home mom, NEVER working. She'd have to be the traditional, and I mean Traditional, woman of the home for me to Ever marry her. I know they get bored at home, but so be it. It's how my papa (grandfather) managed my mama (grandmother). He paid for EVERYTHING cause he could, as a railroad engineer, then in retirement, good pension. They were married something like 70 years before death. The same with my uncle. His wife was truly loyal and Christian and even today laments his death last year (even though he'd lost his mind several years ago - alzheimers - she stood by his side for YEARS; his first wife died of cancer young).

Now, the examples in my family of terrible marriages, divorces, etc reside with my dad and my brother, BOTH had 3 marriages, where all 3 Worked. So for example, my smart-AF brother CEO in high tech's first wife worked for an eye surgeon (much older) whom she CHEATED on him with (adultery), but in the end, ended up getting dumped by the surgeon and now is with a lower level guy - they seem rather poor and into shell-game stuff or charlatan games for a buck, not-for-profit scheming. She also went from super model looking to overweight and quiet ugly now blonde but with great smile, tall, long legs. My brother really Did love her in his 20s but she stabbed him in the back hard. He was an engineer just getting his career rolling. She wanted it NOW thus the monkey-branch to the eye surgeon, so pathetic.

My dad, as well, lost my mom to a man at HER work who pealed her off from him over time in government. They were friends from the 70s up to present day 2020. They never married, but BOTH dropped their spouses to be with each other. My dad said that the ex-wife of the man who stole my mom from him looked Just Like my mom. I'd never seen her, but I took his word for it, very bizarre.

My dad, being the alpha that he was, got a new girlfriend with the same name as my mom, to jab at her cause he knew she'd find out who he was with. My dad could pretty much finagle things, like the mob, to get back at others. He was good at being vindictive and slighting others.

The gal I'm currently semi-serious with has 2 jobs and has aspirations to excel in the one that got stalled by COVID. She's kinda back on track with that job and claims to make 4 times as much in that one than in her 2nd job. I tell her that "that's great," and "go for it," but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "You'll have to quit those jobs if you eva wanna be with me for life..." It's just how I roll.

 

[Poonani Maker]

That’s exactly where I am with the girl I’ve been dating for a year now. She has been pushing to move in together and also to get married. But when that equitable split conversation comes up, she gets upset and that’s a huge red flag to me. So I tell her we can keep it how it is. The worst part for me is that I truly thinks she believes she wants what is fair and isn’t looking to live high on my money. But her actions say otherwise. And when someone believes they aren’t doing what they are actually doing, you can’t even have a conversation with them about it. It’s like arguing with a flat-earther. Oh well. On the plus side, I am making wise decisions about my own future.

I hate how you can't REASON with women. It's so frustrating. They simply cannot SEE logic. It's so maddening, and makes me always throw my hands up in the air and say "I give up." It's like WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON!?

 

[metalwater]

Money is part of the SMV of a man. He can be a generous as he likes but should keep the accounts accept for some day to day living needs. For that, the woman can/should have full access/control, but in a way that can be audited such as an account and debit card that is for that purpose. Long term net worth is part of the SMV of the man and should be held close. Lots of ways to ensure that it gets distributed to her or others in case of death.

Ensuring enough is part of the man's part.

How she does it is one dimension of her dedication. For example, she earns tons of money and simply hands it to you to manage. Or she sets up her own thing and keeps it private.

There really is a woman that will completely submit financially but not in other ways. weird...

 

[Serenity]

@Serenity That makes sense - especially given that you both could afford it and did it before the relationship. Makes things very simple.

Additionally I pay everything related to the car, so in the big picture I pay more than her in the household. It has to be that way to afford the things we want. Would be kinda dumb to hold back on buying things because she can't pay exactly 50% of everything since she has a lower income.

 

[Glassguy]

A close friend of mine is a millionaire. In his previous marriage his ex didnt work, he paid for everything (new vehicles, big house, etc). She was probably spending $5k a month on herself.

That marriage ended very badly.

When you are PROVIDER, even if the well doesnt run dry and money is flowing in, the expiration date is sooner than you think. If you make a woman INVEST by sharing the bills it keeps them invested and also keeps them working. In my friend's case, his wife had 40-50 hours a week that she should have been working instead spent on getting attention. That ended up in an affair and a nasty divorce. And keep in mind that this friend is alpha af. Before his marriage he had chicks swinging off his dic with a smile on their face.

Make them invest. This is why I dont do dinner dates or anything else over the top early on. Set the tone early on that you are inviting her into your bubble not giving it to her.

In my previous marriage, I had my accounts and she had hers. It worked nicely. We never really argued about finances and I would recommend this to anyone who is sliding into a LTR.

 

[speed dawg]

I combine everything in my marriage. One account. I set the budget every month. We discuss all purchases. My wife stays home with kids so it's easier to do this in that frame. When the wife works, or makes more money, stupid female drama like "mine" and "ours" enters the picture. We still combined our finances early on before we had kids, though, so it can be done. I would say if you find yourself with a woman who won't do this, don't marry her.

We had nothing really before we got married. If we ever divorced, we'd split everything. I'd have no real issue with that, how else would you do it?

All you guys with relationships rather than marriage, well, you can do whatever you wish I guess. I'd probably keep finances separate in that deal. Also maintain two residences. But just like anything else, that has a shelf life. Either you take the next step or you don't, and people will move on. Even 'life partners' or whatever other ghey term you want to use, eventually want to truly share life.

It's like my football coach told me - you're either getting better or you're getting worse, but you're never staying the same.

 

[bcude]

Good topic and always a sensitive subject responsible for many many breakups/divorces. I don't pretend to have it figured out but from what i've observed, keeping finances separate is paramount and it goes without saying that even your wife doesn't need to know about your exact whereabouts. As always, you want a giver and not a taker. A woman who tries to help you save money instead of the opposite, that's ideal. It's all about her mindset and something you'll notice early.
I will say, however, that this differs from couple to couple and i've seen different setups work with different people so there isn't just one right way. I personally don't think that having only a shared pot is ideal, it will eventually lead to her spending more and more of your share, since she'll most probably earn less and it can lead to resentment from your side.

I tried to make it work with a woman who was from another country in my blue pill days, she earned okay by their standards but i was a billionaire compared to her and she expected me to take care of her (tradional minded). I'm generous by heart, but her attitude made me want to pay less and less, this ruined alot of evenings. She wanted a (marriage) setup where her whole salary went into a shared pot and for me to take care of every expense both of us could have from that pot, since she "didn't care about money" (classic statement from entitled women). That's a problem because it sets no restrictions on what she can spend and we all know that she will want to spend more and more eventually, especially as kids enter the picture. Even if you set a limit, she'll suddenly 'need' more and more things as time goes by. I've observed it in my family, the man fights it a couple of times but then gives in more and more as time goes by until he ends up like the guy in goodfellas, to avoid yet another fight.

People who work for the things they want will also value the thing so much more and respect money, that's important. I would generally look for equal contribution, but wouldn't mind paying for a little bit more if the woman showed the right (saving) mindset.

I've yet to see a successful relationship where one is frugal and the other is the opposite. You need to somewhat have the same mindset for it to work in the long run. Just a matter of compatibility.

 

[Serenity]

since she "didn't care about money" (classic statement from entitled women).

That's technically true, however, she does care about all the expensive things money can buy her though. Caring about money is your concern, making sure she always has some to spend.

You make a great point, one setup doesn't work for all couples. Me and my wife tried having a common credit card account for a couple of months, but agreed to separate it again because it became confusing and hard to keep track of our spending in relation to our incomes. We both ran the risk of overspending and losing control, which is particularly bad to do on a credit card.

We probably could make account sharing work, but we already have a system that works and changing it over such a minor technicality is risky. It would be messy and confusing for a good while, no need to fix what ain't broken.

 

[Machine10033]

Separate.... completely separate. I also would never get married without a pre nuptial. I would make it as iron clad as possible.... let her get her own attorney.. review the criteria... agree that she’s not under and duress at time of signing... have multiple witnesses. Hell I would even give her a bone and let her keep half the proceeds from the sale of my house if we split. I would never give up my investments, real estate, pension.... since I earned my first pay check I’ve been building towards my vision.