how can I STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME?!?!

[mr.uk]

i am realising fast that this is my major problem with life in general..be it at sport, my job, talking to my friends and ofcourse at picking up hotties.

I put too much value on what people think of what i say, what i do...like if i look stupid etc...

Now i am constantly consciously aware that I am placing too much value on the opinions of others, yet i still cannot get it to stop! I feel like a caged bird!

In social settings mostly this is holding me back because i am so bothered by what people think that my reply to them might not be what i genuinly think, its what i think they want to hear! In bars and clubs i won't dance incase i look stupid (cos i dance like a downy at a disco) LOL. I don't smile cos i just dont feel FREE. It feels good to be getting this out btw.

Same happens with football (Soccer) where I am so bothered by whether or not my peers will think im good enough, that it stops me from trying new skills etc.

I want to be able to do and say what i want (within reason) and NOT TO GIVE A F*CK!

Advice please!

 

[ChrizZ]

i am realising fast that this is my major problem with life in general..be it at sport, my job, talking to my friends and ofcourse at picking up hotties.

I put too much value on what people think of what i say, what i do...like if i look stupid etc...

Now i am constantly consciously aware that I am placing too much value on the opinions of others, yet i still cannot get it to stop! I feel like a caged bird!

In social settings mostly this is holding me back because i am so bothered by what people think that my reply to them might not be what i genuinly think, its what i think they want to hear! In bars and clubs i won't dance incase i look stupid (cos i dance like a downy at a disco) LOL. I don't smile cos i just dont feel FREE. It feels good to be getting this out btw.

Same happens with football (Soccer) where I am so bothered by whether or not my peers will think im good enough, that it stops me from trying new skills etc.

I want to be able to do and say what i want (within reason) and NOT TO GIVE A F*CK!

Advice please!

You have to get the society programming out of your head. Here are some field tested ideas that helped me to completely stop caring and give you balls of steel:

1. Go to a supermarket in which a lot of people know you. Then buy condoms and put them in the shopping cart where everybody can see them.

2. Dress like a bum for a week and don't shower.

3. Get a XXX magazine and sit on a bench in a mall and read it. Make sure that everybody can see you.

4. Go to church and pretend to have tourrettes syndrome.

5. Call up a girl that rejected you a long time ago and that you know is clearly not interested. Then ask her out.

6. Tell a joke in front of your friends/family that you know is not funny and then laugh like you are insane right after you told it.

 

[Rumpelstiltskin]

how can I STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME?!?!

By starting to care of what you think about yourself!

 

[ZenGodMod]

By starting to care of what you think about yourself!

AMEN!

Wolf has an idea and he is right.
However you already know you should stop worrying about what others think, because your told that everywhere.

You don't know how!

Because you don't know the value of caring about yourself and what you think (the value of your own beliefs), you tend not to know why it matters.

Caring about yourself (in your minds eyes) somehow relates to what other people think about you. Which is wrong.

When you care about yourself, you are free from the bonds of society. That’s the VALUE. Being free and getting out of the cage (matrix) is by far an ultimate achievement. You don't know how to yet because you haven't figured out how to.

ChrizZ’s advice would prove something to you. It’ll prove that even if you execute his 1 to 6 deeds, you will learn that after all that silliness that you have committed no harm and felt none because it was just in your head. What is the worst that can happen? You die? The answer is nothing. You have been worrying about nothing.

Since when have thoughts been able to harm others? Since when have words been able to cut into flesh? Since when has laughter really been able to drown anyone? It was all in your head.

The enemy you face is inside you skull. You yourself have oppressed yourself into believing you are nobody because of words, thoughts and laughter of others.

Look inside yourself and you will find value somewhere, and when you do find it, rise above the surface and shine.

 

[Damian]

You have to accept yourself for who you are. Or if you don't like, who you are, change yourself so you do.

If you don't like yourself first, it will be difficult for anybody else to do it. Have high energy and find internal methods of fulfillment. Find that something inside of you that just makes you grin.

When you have that kind of confidence, others will quickly follow suit. You will have your own internal source of fulfillment and external influences will not affect you as much. Instead of seeking others approval or being apprehensive of others' judgment, you'll have your OWN approval and be satisfied with your OWN judgment.

Improve yourself and be satisfied with yourself. You are powerful, you are strong, and you are confident. If you believe that you are a good person, nobody can take that away from you.

Trust yourself, and you will transcend common bickering.

 

[penkitten]

you know, things change as you age. something happened to me when i turned 27. i just didnt give a crap what other people thought of me anymore. without that kinda stuff on my mind, i was able to be happier, and had more time on my hands to help people out that were in need.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Eft

http://www.emofree.com
download the free pdf and download the pdf called "The Palace of Possibilites"

http://www.innergametapping.com
lots of good free videos on how to do above

It sounds corny and goofy and new agey, and has been roundly slammed on this board before, but try it anyways. You'll see an improvement.

Give it a couple weeks, with some real effort, like 30 min a day or so and you should really feel some improvements.

Taiyuu

 

[nando]

Great thread

 

[Damian]

Just as an addition...It concerns me that your approach to this is black and white.

You need to be confident enough to remain emotionally strong in the face of criticism and putdowns.

BUT

You have to be humble enough to consider people's intentions, their advice, and their criticism seriously so you can improve yourself.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

You need to be confident enough to remain emotionally strong in the face of criticism and putdowns.

BUT

You have to be humble enough to consider people's intentions, their advice, and their criticism seriously so you can improve yourself.

Good point. I used to know this older guy that was an ex therapist and a big fan of self improvement and stuff. He was so ultra centered and self confident you could scream at him about his deepest darkest insecurities and he would just respond (to himself) with:

"hmmm. Is any of that true..."

I remember once I sent him a furious drunken email taking him to task for all kinds of stuff. Next time I saw him, he merely said:

"you made some interesting points. thanks for that" as if I just told him his shoes were untied or something.

 

[dannyegg4575]

I think Inceptor wrote a very good post on self confidence that will pertains to this thread.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=140631

You want someone stop caring about what others think? Just stop caring about what others think.

simple

The only thing is, what do you want.

 

[Gubby]

Ok, here's my input.

Accept your fears first. People often say, "you shouldn't fear" but that's bollocks, without the proper understanding of it you can't just turn off your fear because someone says so. It's ok to fear. I'll GET PISSED OFF IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THIS TRULY AND FULLY NOW. You gotta obey me don't you, cause you're worried about my bad opinion aren't you?

Now... as you accept your fears you might notice that they start to go away already. That's good. But you might want to improve even more.

To get rid of a fear you have to UNDERSTAND it, and I'll get pissed off if you don't believe this right now.

When you UNDERSTAND your fear, it's likely that you'll fear even less. Ask, why are you scared? Fear, despite what anyone tells you, IS logical in a way. You just need to understand reality so that your soul knows where to place the fear. I'll get pissed off if you don't believe this.

Finally, when you understand your fear and are aware of it, you can choose to transcend it or to use it. If you transcend your fear you realise that it's useless, and it simply disappears. If you use it, you realise that it has its use and you use it to achieve some goal.

I'll get pissed off if you don't start doing what's best for you right now.

 

[Interceptor]

(thank you for the kind words , gentlemen. You dont know how badly I want to help you guys out there. I really do. I want to do everything within my power to open up your hearts and minds,and help you accept yourself and empower yourselves for greatness, success, and lasting fulfillment
Understand deep wuithin yourself, that you must find happiness. Be comfortable with yourself. Maintain Peace of Mind. Be comfortable LIVING ALONE. And develop the Mind of a Warrior. For the true Greatness of a WARRIOR , is NOT technical Fighting SKILL....it is calm, disciplined, and powerful Inner Mind. The "immoveable Mind.'
Bushido-The Way of the Warrior. In this, you will find peace, strength, confidence, and resources to face the daily batte of life. Prepare for combat. Peacefully. Intelligently. Righteously.)


Generally speaking, whenever we worry or are anxious about how we appear, and how we are being perceived by others, this means that we still dont feel like we're good enough.
Yuo still think you can CONTROL what others THINK about you....since you beleive you have CONTROL ove rother's thoughts and actions, you become extremely SELF AWARE to the point of irrationality in trying to control every aspect you show to the world.

But see. you HAVE NO CONTROL over others.
SO thinking about how others perceive you to the point where it is creating anxiety and distress is IRRATIONAL.
AN IRRATINAL FEAR is controlling you.


(See, this stuff gets deep...
This is what I call 'pullng weeds.")

Somewhere along the way, while you were growing up , you faced an event that formed your psyche. Your BASIS for your SELF IMAGE.

Most of the time, Psycho Analysis and Hypnotherapy try to get in there, and find out WHAT happend, and then they work on REWIRING your mind
That way you can start to overwrite the previous negative beliefs.

When you worry on how you are being perceived you are assuming that other people have the RIGHT to judge you.

they don't.
They can't.
And they will never HAVE nor EARN the RIGHT to do so.

Guys, please, listen to me...
NO ONE can truly , genuinely "JUDGE" you.

They cannot.
They can make assumptions.
They can make observations.
They can believe they can make a CONCLUSION about you.

But that is all bullsh*t!

They are NO ONE to judge you or condemn you.

Why?

Think about it for a second.

Why would anyone think you are LESSER than they are.
Seriously.

And if they DO think they have some GOd given right, knwing what you know now...dont you think theyre being foolish???

We go back again...

WHERE did this insecurity start???!!

What was the EVENT or the EVENTS that triggered the BELEIFS that made you sooo Self Conscious, that you are now painfully aware and micromanaging EVERY little detail about yourself because you WORRY that people will perceive you in some negative light.


You can feel insecure about your looks.
About how much you earn
if you have a job or not
maybe you feel your job is not prestigious enough or glamorous enough
maybe you dont have a 'nice' car?
maybe your a virgin
maybe you never had a girlfriend
never kissed a girl

WHATEVER!
The poin tis this...

YOU MADE up "RULES" on HOW you are to be JUDGED.
YOU.
You did.

Thisiusually means that YOU sometmies judge others by things they have or what they look like.
Yes, you sometimes do. Be honest with yourself.
Sometimes you may look at a guy and maybe hes chubby or doesnt have a nice car, you may think hes beneath you.

Thus, you have a certain frame of reference that makes you realize :

"OMG! I dont have nice car or a nice job either!! Fvck!! Im a loser too!! No one will ever want to be with me becaseu I dont have a nuice care or whatever!"

You grew up having a certain CRITERIA that you feel many people MUST ADHERE to or MEET, in order for them to have VALUE and/or be ACCEPTABLE to YOU.

Fvcked up , isnt it?

Yeah, you made this up for yourself.
Now, lets be honest..
many people take it upon themselves to judge others badsed on accomplishments or possessions or looks NOT CHARACTER.

Do you see that as an ethical, COMPASSIONATE, and considerate point of view?
Deep down, I know you do not.
I know that deep down youagree that it is fvcked up for people to thik youre not worthy of their attention or whatever becasue you dont drive a certain car, or maybe you never had a GF or whatever experience...

These are superficial snap judgements some closeminded people make.

You dont want to be that kind of person.

So what is the deal here?

You need to RECOGNIZE yuor VALUE.
You need to Recognize your SELF WORTH.

You MUST DEVELOP an IMAGE of yourself BEING a person whom is WORTH it.


How do you do that?
Well, you need to stop judging people.
You need to develp a more compassionate heart.
You need to look for the goodness and compassion in people's heasrts, and you need to do the same for them.

"Seek first to understand, then..to be understood."
Stephen Covey

You need to let go of the notion that youn eed to have something superficial on order to HAVE WORTH and VALUE.
You need to look at yourself and OBSERVE yourSELF expereinceing high SELF ESTEEM
And how do you start down the road to doing that?

Do what you love.

Find your passions.
Identify them
Recognize them

And pursue them.

Dream big.
And PURSUE your DREAMS!
Prepare your Mission Statement.
Develp your Internal Compass indoing so, and OBSERVING yourself.

Pursue [/I]HIGH CHARACTER while pursuing your dreams, and achieving your goals.

Recognize that you lack direction.
make peace with it.

And then go about FINDING your DIRECTION.
This comes form deciding just what is your Mission in life.
Because in there you will find passion, and you will do what you love, and you will build self esteem, and increase your confidence...

..and as yuo do these things your sense of Identity and sens of SELF grows stronger..

...and as they grow stronger, you recognize your WORTH and VALUE, and you begin to to deeply RESPECT your WORTH and VALUE, and the REOSURCEs you HAVE and are BUILDING..

..and as these conmtiuneu to grow, you begin to have even more understanding, patience, consideration, and compassion for others.

And as you begin to experience these things you will let go of the notion that people can 'hurt' you.
They cannot take anything from you.
You are in control of your Resources.
And you paradigm shifts, becasue now you have Abundance.
You HAVE Reosurces.

Thus, you are feeling WELL BEING!!!!!


You no longer feel UNWORTHY.
You no longer feel INFERIOR.
You no longer feel deep INSECURITY.

You build FAITH.
Confidence.
And you begin to see people as just .....people.
With their OWN difficulties, challenges, and yes...past trauma they are dealing with too.

They are just like you.

And you now look at them differenlty..
through stronger, but more COMPASSIONATE eyes.
And you let go of judging them.....

 

[MooseGod]

I'll put it in one sentence: Consider the source.

You're 18, right? So I'm guessing you're concerned what these other people your age think of you? They don't have anything different than the attitude. They probably don't have millions of dollars, a lifetime of achievements, or even know their ass from a hole in the ground. Forget about them and do something that's worth a damn. What that is, well, that's what you've got to figure out on your own.

 

[Kaim Argonar]

It takes a lot of time, many months or perhaps years of re-conditioning, to break free from these irrational feelings. Step by step you need to break the habit and even after you've progressed, at times you'll have relapses... but ultimately it can be done.

Try to find situations or contexts in which you feel better about yourself, and dwell on them a bit. As soon as you begin to feel worthless and depressed, try to be more agressive mentally and think "F*CK EVERYONE ELSE!" instead. Don't be intimidated by other people, realize that they feel just the same as you, perhaps even worse. Don't be afraid to show your guts, we sometimes feel like other people will have a scornful view of us if we show our true selves, but because people in general are pretty insecure too, it's absolutely meaningless.

 

[AnitaBum]

You have to get the society programming out of your head. Here are some field tested ideas that helped me to completely stop caring and give you balls of steel:

1. Go to a supermarket in which a lot of people know you. Then buy condoms and put them in the shopping cart where everybody can see them.

2. Dress like a bum for a week and don't shower.

3. Get a XXX magazine and sit on a bench in a mall and read it. Make sure that everybody can see you.

4. Go to church and pretend to have tourrettes syndrome.

5. Call up a girl that rejected you a long time ago and that you know is clearly not interested. Then ask her out.

6. Tell a joke in front of your friends/family that you know is not funny and then laugh like you are insane right after you told it.

Ahah these are great. They will defenetly help, if you actually do them.

 

[AznPlaya]

ye ChrizZ's mind is def 1 of a kind, this aint the 1st time he cracked me up

 

[dannyegg4575]

One of the ways to think about this problem is to imagine this.

Imagine you bought some ice cream and you dropped it to the floor. You made a big mess on the floor. Now imagine yourself going around telling people how you miserable you are because you dropped the ice cream. Do you think anybody cares what happened to you and your ice cream? i can bet you a million dollars that no one cares how you dropped it or what happened.
Unless you're still 4 years old and you wish that your parents would buy you a new one.

Nobody cares and nobody's going to judge you for it.

 

[mr.uk]

But see. you HAVE NO CONTROL over others.
SO thinking about how others perceive you to the point where it is creating anxiety and distress is IRRATIONAL.
AN IRRATINAL FEAR is controlling you.

I am sure you are right here Interceptor, but you can control the way others perceive you because you can control yourself to act in a way that people will percieve you as you want them to. Ofcourse, this is completely unnatural and I am not suggesting i should do it (although i do) but what i am looking for is an explanation behind why it should not be done, so that I can get my brain to see that it is not logical, if that makes sense?

 

[AznPlaya]

Aight yall here's the honest truth, if u really want 2 function in society and be popular then u gonna have 2 go by the rules and be a lil-unnatural, is not societies fault though, and even if it is why not go by what society likes and take advantage of it ? These days there many good things you can do and not care about what people think of you, such as being honest, brave and etc.. What im really trying 2 say is even though its a lil fuced up and u don wanna go with the flow of society, why not take advantage of it and use it against them ??? ya feel