Originally posted by bclarke675:
WildThang, your post is pretty funny, considering about a month ago I did hook up with a 21 year old for a one nighter, although she wanted more. It isn't that I can't get that, it's that I don't want that for a mature long-term relationship.
I married the woman I did, because as Wyldfire pointed out, she had older kids that I didn't think would be around long enough to adversely impact our marriage.
And that was your first mistake. You should have married her because she couldn't get enough of you and thought you were the best thing ever. And because she was low-maintenance. Both of which would have made her feel far more like doing whatever she could to make your life a joy and delight rather than the misery it turned into.
Look what happened here. You *agreed* - willingly, with full knowledge - to marry this woman because you knew her kids would be gone soon.
This implies you didn't really want them around all that much, doesn't it?
My point is that the kids were just my ex's excuse to avoid taking the blame herself for ending our marriage. I offered counselling, etc. to try to improve things between us, me and her kids. She wouldn't even try. That told me that she never really loved me. If she had, she'd have done anything to save our marriage.
Yes, this does say something about her.
But it says a *lot* more about you.
Why did you marry a woman who cared so little about you that she not only ended the relationship, but also gave you a load of BS about why she ended it?
Why did you not notice this was likely to happen before it did?
Could it be that you 'compromised' and supplicated your sorry ass into oblivion in the relationship, and instead of going for something you really wanted you persuaded yourself that what you had was all you were going to get?
The woman I'm dating now is 12 years younger, instead of three years older, like my ex was. I thought being older, my wife would be mature enough to value the kind of relationship I was offering her.
Apart from the age issue - which you're right about, and other guys have mentioned here before - this is classic AFC talk!
You don't offer a woman a relationship and hope she values it.
You only go with women that you *know* value you. Because if they don't, you also know you'll have no trouble finding someone who does.
*It doesn't matter* whether you're looking for a one night stand or an LTR. The principle is the same.
If that seems like too much to ask you might as well get used to getting dumped over and over once you get into an LTR. Because that's what's going to keep happening to you if you keep 'offering' and hoping.
Obviously mental age and physical age weren't in synch with her. I was/am physically younger looking than I am, but mature as my age otherwise, except I know how to have fun. Anyway, dating someone 12 years younger does mean her kids are going to be around for another ten years, instead of the two I had left with my ex's youngest. That's part of the decision I have to make.
Why? Why not find someone who doesn't have kids, and have them with her? That way at least they're your kids.
Do you actually want kids, or are you just putting up with them because you think la chicka is cool?
If it's the latter, you're in deep **** already if you're looking for an LTR. The first rule of which is that you want someone for exactly who they are, kids, baggage and all, and not for who they might be one sunny day in the future.
Even if they were my own kids, there would be plenty of compromises and situations to deal with. I'm not afraid of that.
Clue: compromises with your own kids are, indeed, unavoidable. (Unless you leave the country or change your identity.)
Compromises with another guy's kids are not unavoidable. There are any number of single kid-less women out there right now. All you have to do is find them.
And what's this 'not afraid of' crap?
Is this what you told your ex wife? And then you wondered why she didn't respect you?
DJs don't compromise. DJs create the circumstances they want, and enjoy them. If a woman can't do that, no worries - there are plenty of others to try.
I just want to be fairly certain that I won't work to build a relationship with a woman and her family, only to be dumped on in five or six years.
You don't want to be 'fairly certain.' You want to be so ****ing certain that there is almost no chance at all of this happening to you.
You're 'not afraid' to compromise on what you want with a woman, but you're only 'fairly certain' that you don't want to get dumped?
I think we can see the problem right there.
I know there are no guarantees, but if I keep my head while we're dating, I can make a better determination of the probability of successfully having a lifetime relationship with a woman. That's all I'm looking for. Simple, yet difficult.
There may be no guarantees, but there is a whole lot that you can learn which will make a successful relationship more likely.
And that is why this board is here.
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