Help me get my head on straight!

[bclarke675]

I dated a great gal last Saturday, and we've talked a few times since, but she has to work this weekend (Fri night, Sat 2 shifts - 6 am - 1 am, and Sun 6 am to 2:30?). We were going to make plans to go out Saturday night until they scheduled her to work. She needs the money because she had an unexpected bill on her car today, so I couldn't act too bummed when she told me. Still, I was EXPECTING to do something with her this weekend. By Sunday, all she's going to want to do is sleep until her kids come home from their father's.

I've been thinking I should see someone else too, just so this situation doesn't become a problem. We just started dating, and she shouldn't expect exclusivity.

All I need is a little encouragement from you guys and gals to keep my head in the game, and not let a little setback sideline me.

She's interested, because she came to see me at my store this morning, then called me tonight to let me know about her schedule. She asked me to call again. I know she wants me, especially after our date last Saturday, but I want to be with someone this weekend....not sitting around with my thumb up my a$$.

Help me out.....remind me of the right steps to be taking and that I shouldn't be worrying about her. After all, it's only been one date.

Thanks in advance.

 

[CableLight]

You shouldnt be worried about her. Its only been one date.

Thats what you wanted to hear, right?

Because its pretty much true, and you know it is. I mean yeah, there's such thing as love at first sight, but if you're thinking about seeing someone else I would probably rule that out in this case. Dont dont worry about it unless she starts breaking dates left and right.

------------------
CableLight
- Hey, I dunno what my name means either

"Always remember those you love. Even in death, no one is ever truely gone as long as they are remembered."

Life is the hardest teacher. For she gives the test first, and the lesson after.

 

[bclarke675]

No, this is not love at first sight, although I was attracted to her over 10 years ago when I first met her. But then, she was married, so I didn't approach.

Her interest level is high, but if I can't get even one night a week with her, what's the point? I think she's also a little concerned about when I meet her kids. She talks about them, but never suggests me coming over to her place to see her instead of going out. She's had time to see me at least two nights this week if she wanted, but chose to talk on the phone instead. At first, I chalked this up to not wanting to get the kids involved too soon in case it would either scare me off or hurt them if things didn't work out between us. Now, I wonder if she's worried that things went too well last Saturday and is slowing things down consciously or subconsciously?!?

Like I said, I think I need another woman to keep me from overanalyzing this situation.

 

[Wyldfire]

As a single Mom I can tell you that she is most likely holding off introducing you to her children until she is sure you will be around for awhile. She probably doesn't want them to intimidate you either. I've been divorced 7 years and have only brought 3 men home to meet my kids. They show off and act at least 20 times more off the wall than they do on Halloween and Easter (high sugar intake) when Mom has company over...especially a guy she is dating...lol

It doesn't sound like she is putting off dates, and once she thinks it's safe for you to meet her kids she'll invite you over for dinner or to watch movies or to join her on outings with the kids. Whenever you date a woman with children you have to expect that you will sometimes have to share her with her children. I've found that guys actually enjoy doing things with the woman AND her kids. A few ideas for future reference: Sledding, ice skating, hiking, fishing, camping, miniature golf, amusement parks, waterparks, cookouts, sporting events, picnic and frisbee or football in the park, bumper cars, batting cages, arcades...lots of stuff guys like. And you can convince Mom it's "for the kids"...)

 

[Jake Steed]

Allright bclarke675, I hope you're over 30 and maybe have a kid yourself, because if you don't, dating a single mom is a serious no-no.

Only do it if you want a ready-made family. There are just too many problems to deal with.

When she blew you off twice and decided to talk on the phone (fulfill her selfish emotional needs)with you instead of seeing you in person, you should have said, "Sorry, I'm to busy to talk on the phone right now." and hung up. You will not make her want to see you more if you give her those damn phone convos all the time.

"I've found that guys actually enjoy doing things with the woman AND her kids."

I'm sorry, Wyldfire, I don't know the kind of guys you're dating, but me and EVERY guy friend I've ever had would NOT enjoy hanging out with the the woman and her little kiddies. Maybe this works for older guys, but I'm almost 25 and don't consider myself THAT young anymore.

Anyways, bclarke675 my suggestion to you would be to relax and have fun with her but see other women on the side. It's still really early in the game.

Jake

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Jake Steed:
Allright bclarke675, I hope you're over 30 and maybe have a kid yourself, because if you don't, dating a single mom is a serious no-no.


"I've found that guys actually enjoy doing things with the woman AND her kids."

I'm sorry, Wyldfire, I don't know the kind of guys you're dating, but me and EVERY guy friend I've ever had would NOT enjoy hanging out with the the woman and her little kiddies. Maybe this works for older guys, but I'm almost 25 and don't consider myself THAT young anymore.


Jake

Dating a woman with children is only really a problem when the woman is fresh out of a relationship with the children's father. Then the father is generally going to interfere either through the woman or the children. If they have been split up 3 years or more, it's usually not a big deal.

I will be 36 in a little over a month. My last boyfriend was 24 and he loved doing things with my kids. In fact, he would rather stay in or do something that included my children than go out just him and I. I was the one who had to remind him that we had to spend time alone.

Having a "never date single mothers" policy is preventing you from getting to know a pretty high percentage of the available women out there.

 

[Gipper]

Originally posted by bclarke675:
No, this is not love at first sight, although I was attracted to her over 10 years ago when I first met her. But then, she was married, so I didn't approach.

Her interest level is high, but if I can't get even one night a week with her, what's the point? I think she's also a little concerned about when I meet her kids. She talks about them, but never suggests me coming over to her place to see her instead of going out. She's had time to see me at least two nights this week if she wanted, but chose to talk on the phone instead. At first, I chalked this up to not wanting to get the kids involved too soon in case it would either scare me off or hurt them if things didn't work out between us. Now, I wonder if she's worried that things went too well last Saturday and is slowing things down consciously or subconsciously?!?

Like I said, I think I need another woman to keep me from overanalyzing this situation.

Correct. Another woman takes a lot of the pressure off.

I would have to respectfully disagree with Jake Steed as far as the "kids" situation goes. I personally don't see dating a woman with children as a serious "no-no". With the divorce rate in this country as high as it is, finding a single woman who doesn't have kids is not easy, especially for the over- thirty crowd.

It's all about connecting with a woman, not an unfortunate set of circumstances she might be in.

Gipper

 

[Take No Dirt]

If you have kids and she has kids as well, that's cool. But, if you don't have kids and don't know anything about interacting wiht kids, then her kids will really impact on your relationship with her.

There are some DJs who would not want to look like a chump looking after the jerk's kids and the mother who used the best years of her life having fun with a jerk and is now seeking a "nice" guy to take care of her and her kids.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Take No Dirt:
If you have kids and she has kids as well, that's cool. But, if you don't have kids and don't know anything about interacting wiht kids, then her kids will really impact on your relationship with her.

There are some DJs who would not want to look like a chump looking after the jerk's kids and the mother who used the best years of her life having fun with a jerk and is now seeking a "nice" guy to take care of her and her kids.

That's one of the biggest misconceptions about single mothers. We aren't looking for someone to "take care of our kids". We date and get involved with men for the same reason everyone else dates and has relationships...it's a natural part of life to desire that.

I expect any man I get involved with to treat my children with the same respect I expect my children to treat the man with. Too many people make the situation so much more complicated than it has to be.

I have a good job. Daddy has a good job and my kids get about $1000 a month in support from Dad. Dad WANTS to pay the support, too. I could get by no problem without the child support. So why would I need to find a man to support me and my children?

There are about 9 million single mothers in the US out of about 143 million adult women ages 18 to 118. If you were to subtract the married, engaged or women in a relationship, you'd wipe out about half of the single women. Then when you factor in age, location, attractiveness and personality...it makes for a pretty shallow dating pool if you refuse to date single mothers.

 

[Wyldfire]

Oh yeah, about 26 percent of those 143 million females are minors. Meant to add that in the last post.

 

[Take No Dirt]

Originally posted by Wyldfire:
Oh yeah, about 26 percent of those 143 million females are minors. Meant to add that in the last post.

--------------------
Thanks, Wyldfire, for the stats! Where do you find them?

Yes, the pickings would be mighty slim if we discount all the single mothers out there as potential GFs/lovers/LTR material. Please keep in mind though that women with children will generally place her kids ahead of the BF wannabe. Many times, the kids don't even like you because you're not the biological father and kids can place a damper on the relationship. If you're a bachelor who has never had children of your own and you only want to date childess women, then stick by your guns.



[This message has been edited by Take No Dirt (edited 11-02-2001).]

 

[MrSassyPants]

I don't have any trouble finding girls that aren't mothers. I'm 26... so maybe that helps, but I don't think I'd ever date a woman with kids... just too complicated. Better to get a woman without baggage.

I'm sure there are great guys that are willing to date a mom, but I know my friends and myself (all attractive professional men) wouldn't seriously consider it.

 

[Don the Legend]

bclarke,

Gip is right. Get another women at the same time. Pressure would be off you and on her because you now can pick and choose who you want to spend your time with. Not the other way around. Keep up your good work.

Good Luck,

Legend

 

[Sir_Chancealot]

Don't date a woman with kids. It's just so much easier that way.

 

[bclarke675]

To help everyone out a little, I'm 44 years old, so it's hard for me to find a woman who won't have kids unless it's for the obvious reason that no one has found her attractive enough to date seriously or marry.

My new dating partner is 32, with three kids, and has been divorced for just over 3 years, separated for over 4. I've only been divorced for about 5 months, but separated for almost a year and a half. My wife left the state to live with her lesbian sister and other sisters in Arizona, and blamed the breakdown of our marriage on my (poor) relationship with her youngest son. I didn't get along that well with her daughter either, because I felt that a household should have rules, and they had been brought up with none, due to their parents' separation.

I have tried not to let this bias me against single mothers, but I must admit that looking at my marriage now, I know my wife was NOT able to support herself and her daughter without me, and only appears to have married me to have someone support them. Then, when she felt she could make it on her own, she left me, while shifting the blame to me and her kids....anyone but her!

This is why I feel I need to date someone else, so I don't put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I'm interested in your feedback, especially Don the Legend and Wyldfire.

 

[bclarke675]

To help everyone out a little, I'm 44 years old, so it's hard for me to find a woman who won't have kids unless it's for the obvious reason that no one has found her attractive enough to date seriously or marry.

My new dating partner is 32, with three kids, and has been divorced for just over 3 years, separated for over 4. I've only been divorced for about 5 months, but separated for almost a year and a half. My wife left the state to live with her lesbian sister and other sisters in Arizona, and blamed the breakdown of our marriage on my (poor) relationship with her youngest son. I didn't get along that well with her daughter either, because I felt that a household should have rules, and they had been brought up with none, due to their parents' separation.

I have tried not to let this bias me against single mothers, but I must admit that looking at my marriage now, I know my wife was NOT able to support herself and her daughter without me, and only appears to have married me to have someone support them. Then, when she felt she could make it on her own, she left me, while shifting the blame to me and her kids....anyone but her!

This is why I feel I need to date someone else, so I don't put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I'm interested in your feedback, especially Don the Legend and Wyldfire.

Sorry about the duplicate. My Internet is screwing up!

[This message has been edited by bclarke675 (edited 11-02-2001).]

 

[Don the Legend]

Hey bclarke,

I still feel the same way that you should date more than one woman at the same time. One of my biggest dating mistakes in my life is not dating 2 girls at the same time. The benefit of dating two girls at once is you can be yourself without being pressured. If one of the girls is not working out, she is gone. Someone else will replace her. There is always someone better. Keep dating them both until one of them brings up exclusivity. Then act accordingly.

Don't worry about it. It sounds like you are annalyzing too much with this girl. Dating another girl will help remedy this. Only thing you should watch is to see if she accepting your dating ideas. If she is not making herself available to you, then you shouldn't either.

Have fun this weekend. Meet girl number two.
Don't stay at home thinking about this. Go out and have fun.

I am out of here. Have a good weekend.


Good Luck,

Legend

 

[bclarke675]

Thanks. I'm taking your advice. I'm outta here!

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Take No Dirt:

I found the stats on the US Census web site. I screwed up on my first post...there are 143 million females in the US, and 26% of them are under 18.

Freshly divorced women (and men) with children are most definitely a difficult person to try to date. Once the divorce is over and things have calmed down, it's MUCH easier. Of course kids come first. That's the number one responsibility of a parent, as well it should be. But that doesn't mean that it would interfere in a relationship. If the kid is in a play the same night the guy wants to go out, you go to the play together, drop the kid off with the sitter and go out for drinks afterwards. No matter who you get involved with you have to compromise some. Single mothers know all about compromise and juggling things to fit in as much as possible.

If a guy absolutely doesn't want to get involved with a woman with children, that's his perogative. I don't think it's the wisest choice to limit yourself like that, though. I'm guessing that around 30% of women are married. Another 20% are likely over 45 years old. 26% are underage. Let's round it off to 75% of the women being taken, too young, or too old. Almost 16% are single Moms. That leaves only 9% of all women as being single, no kids, and between 18 and 45. Probably 75% of that remaining 9 percent are either fat, unattractive, psycho, or a lousy personality. How many of those remaining "dateable" women are going to live in your area?

Just something for the fellas to think about.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by bclarke675:
To help everyone out a little, I'm 44 years old, so it's hard for me to find a woman who won't have kids unless it's for the obvious reason that no one has found her attractive enough to date seriously or marry.

My new dating partner is 32, with three kids, and has been divorced for just over 3 years, separated for over 4. I've only been divorced for about 5 months, but separated for almost a year and a half. My wife left the state to live with her lesbian sister and other sisters in Arizona, and blamed the breakdown of our marriage on my (poor) relationship with her youngest son. I didn't get along that well with her daughter either, because I felt that a household should have rules, and they had been brought up with none, due to their parents' separation.

I have tried not to let this bias me against single mothers, but I must admit that looking at my marriage now, I know my wife was NOT able to support herself and her daughter without me, and only appears to have married me to have someone support them. Then, when she felt she could make it on her own, she left me, while shifting the blame to me and her kids....anyone but her!

This is why I feel I need to date someone else, so I don't put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I'm interested in your feedback, especially Don the Legend and Wyldfire.

Yes, at 44 the only attractive women you are likely to both attract and be attracted to are going to probably have kids. The positive side of that is that most women near your age are going to have kids very close to being adults. They will be out on their own soon.

If she gets along okay with her ex and her kids aren't yard apes that is a good indicator that the situation has the potential for a good and healthy relationship.

And a bonk on the head to the joker her referred to children as "baggage". How RUDE! You were a kid too ya know! Baggage is unresolved emotions that you never grew from. It doesn't matter how much lousy stuff a person has been through, it's all in whether or not they dealt with it and let it go.