Help for the emotional roller-coster

[lone star]

Hi.

I would like to talk about women who are attracted to unavailable men and to roller-costing emotions. Does anyone know why do we do this and especially what can you do to stop this destructive behavior?

Thanks.

 

[Nighthawk]

Was your father distant?

 

[Latinoman]

attraction toward unavailable man (especially if you are single) = destructive behavior

attraction toward roller-coaster feelings = women natural behavior

 

[lone star]

Was your father distant?

Physically and emotionally abusive.

 

[Nighthawk]

When you do have relationships, are you the one that usually ends them?

 

[lone star]

When you do have relationships, are you the one that usually ends them?

Mostly yes.

 

[Nighthawk]

Ok, I'll hazard one more guess that your father was unfaithful also.

It seems that you are seeking out men like your father, their unsuitability and unattainability mirroring your father's 'bad love' - and when and if you succeed in getting these men, you reject them, symbolically rejecting your own father and achieving pseudo-power in your emotional relationship with him.

Does that sound reasonable?

 

[decades]

read he's scared she's scared
and Women who love too much...


regards

 

[lone star]

Thanks for the advice to all.

 

[Silkandsteel]

Nighthawk - very interesting what you said above. I have a disowned, distant and unfaithful father and I often found myself attracted to emotionally-closed women, only to find the "final victory" to be a total anti-climax and a sense of boredam thereafter. The initial chase feels so intense: "I HAVE to win this woman over" - it's like a mission or something...but the closer you get to victory, the more nagging doubts occur...then, once you get this person to feel for you openly and honestly and the battle is won, you feel hollow, somewhat foolish to have worked so hard, and guilty - the battle itself was what you wanted to win, not the woman...

 

[lone star]

The initial chase feels so intense: "I HAVE to win this woman over" - it's like a mission or something...but the closer you get to victory, the more nagging doubts occur...then, once you get this person to feel for you openly and honestly and the battle is won, you feel hollow, somewhat foolish to have worked so hard, and guilty - the battle itself was what you wanted to win, not the woman...

Exactly. It is almost like a hunt. Once you got your prey, it is all over. I think it is a psychological thrill, a power game.

 

[Silkandsteel]

"Psychological thrill" is a good way to put it. The "relationship" becomes a battle of wills and manipulation. She defies the emotional connection and you reinforce it until one of you just can't fight anymore. Ironically though, it's not all bad, as everyone has some level of baggage, even great catches...I guess it's just whether you have the willpower to see the battle through to the finish and then evaluate if it's really a victory for you psychologically or you've helped to guide a truly great woman into your life on your terms.

All the best Lone Star

 

[joekerr31]

heres the deal...

chasing after someone who is taken is typically caused by the fear of intimacy.
may sound strange at first, but its actually not.

in a normal relationship the process typically includes an initial stage of judgement (each one of you judging the other).

if you make it through that then comes the process of trust where each of you begin to open up to each other. this stage if rife with people getting their hearts ripped out. its bad getting rejected in the initial phase when you hardly know each other, but to get rejected AFTER you start to open up is much more painful - becuase your authentic self is getting rejected.

but assuming you make it through this phase, then expectations enter the picture. so you're done judging each other, you now trust each other, now can each of you fit in to the future expectations of the other.

this 'normal' process can be TOUGH! at the same time it has pretty big rewards if you make it through it with someone.

now compare that process to chasing after someone who is already taken.

in this scenario the variables are completely different...

- the judgement phase is nowhere near as palpable, as it typically is centered on sexual attraction. so your personality and overall state of your being aren't really being assessed, nor are you assessing the other persons. you're simply enjoying the state of pure sexual attraction. because of this, this phase hardly has any judgement in it at all, in fact the complete opposite, its pure adoration.

- assuming you actually start seeing the attached person in question. the second phase isn't one of building trust, but rather one of meeting each others needs unconditionally. after all, how can you really trust someone who you know is cheating. this stage becomes purely about unconditionally satisfying each others needs and desires.

- assuming that goes on for a while you'll enter the third stage - the ultimatum. after playing lovers and it feeling pretty good, you'll then want to make it for 'real'. this is usually where everything goes to sh*t as you try to turn this 'fantasy'-based relationship into something real. suddenly all the warts and negative elements of the other person become visible.

now some people stay in stage 2 for years. some move to stage 3 and somehow work it out. most however hit stage 3 and it goes to sh*t.


but to your question of why some women chase unavailable men. basically they fear being hurt by a man who is looking for a committed relationship. they don't want to go through the processes required for that. you can also add to that... because they aren't the one cheating, they instantly hold the moral high ground on the person they are screwing, which further protects them from any emotional vulnerability that occurs during the normal courtship process.


any woman chasing after a man who isn't available is doing so because deep down she wants to 'act' out the play of courtship without really being vulnerable and without having to really commit herself to someone. the same thing holds true for men.

any one who truly wanted a mature, kind and caring relationship wouldn't 1) try to steal someone elses man and 2) wouldn't want a man that cheated on his gf / wife.

anyway, just my 2 cents.

 

[Silkandsteel]

That's a really good post I think, especially how you discussed the second scenario between those involved.

 

[lone star]

In my case, I already have an emotionally stable relationship but my sex life sucks. So his guy, truly unavailable guy I must say, is sending me all signs that he too would like a little nookie then and there. We both are married. We both are unavailable. We should just want sex. Yet, how come it is that I am attracted to him not only because he is such a piece of stud but because he appears to be caring?

P.S. (For the males who wonder how to turn on a woman) I love how he makes me feel when he looks at me. I feel feminine, sexy, attractive. I am even looking better since I met him!

 

[joekerr31]

hahaha.

give me a sec, gotta jet to see if i pee'd my pants.

'i have an emotionally stable relationship but my sex life sucks so now i want to go screw another man'

pay attention boys, chic logic at work.

if your relationship were 'healthy' your sex life wouldnt suck and you wouldn't be looking to cheat. given that its obviously unhealthy, its likely NOT emotionally stable (emotionally dead perhaps, and thats stable in a way, but not healthy).

man i feel sorry for your husband.

haha.

 

[lone star]

He has depression, and that is a physical condition, so nothing is wrong with the relationship except that.

 

[joekerr31]

hey sweet t*ts, if you're thinking of cheating, trust me, theres plenty more wrong than just him having depression.

 

[jophil28]

So let's see , Lone Star,
You have a depressed husband (and you accept that depression is a physical condition). Your belief is that he has an ILLNESS and there is no suggestion that he is intentionally behaving in a way that has damaged your marriage.
You, in a totally self-centered way, have posted here and talked about your intention to have a sexual affair because you have "roller-coaster" emotions.
If he had diabetes (another physical condition) would you be considering having sex with a stranger because you FEEL some kind of warm attraction to some guy who looks at you in a certain way. I think that YOU need to start acting like a married woman and not some ditsy boy-crazy 14 year old.

 

[Heretolearn]

reminder #4234324 why women are not princesses.................