Going from bad to worse.

RestUnknown

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Try to keep a long story short.

Been on a dry spell for over 4 years, mainly because of very low self-esteem, not being social enough, being a p*ssy, being very needy and reliant on others showing interest or saying good stuff about me. I'm a quiet guy, probably because of the above reasons. I don't think I'm an introvert as I love social events and activity around me, as long as I feel comfortable at that place (for example the gym I feel ok, but parties with people I barely know not so much).

The only girls I had in my life were girls who went after me and not the other way around. Currently there is this one girl at the gym who I'm 100% sure I could get as she gives very obvious hints, but so many red flags (BPD, her best friend has been in a psychiatric institution,...). Had a relation with such a kind of girl before, didn't turn out so well, all in all kind of great I don't go into it.

For a couple of weeks last month I actually felt pretty great and quite confident, but it didn't show me any results. I tend to loose motivation quite fast if I don't see any results and start to doubt the "as you think you shall become" motto. In fact I actually think you start to become who you don't want to be, probably because that person is more pronounced in my mind and lo and behold, I'm becoming that person more and more.

The thing that scares me most is that I've been drinking more and more as for a couple of minutes my mind comes at rest and it's all ok. Something needs to change as I know this will only get worse.

Only thing I got going for me is the gym, I go every day and I look forward to it because for a couple of minutes my mind comes at ease as well.
 
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stringpuller

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Try to keep a long story short.

Been on a dry spell for over 4 years, mainly because of very low self-esteem, not being social enough, being a p*ssy, being very needy and reliant on others showing interest or saying good stuff about me. I'm a quiet guy, probably because of the above reasons. I don't think I'm an introvert as I love social events and activity around me, as long as I feel comfortable at that place (for example the gym I feel ok, but parties with people I barely know not so much).

The only girls I had in my life were girls who went after me and not the other way around. Currently there is this one girl at the gym who I'm 100% sure I could get as she gives very obvious hints, but so many red flags (BPD, her best friend has been in a psychiatric institution,...). Had a relation with such a kind of girl before, didn't turn out so well, all in all kind of great I don't go into it.

For a couple of weeks last month I actually felt pretty great and quite confident, but it didn't show me any results. I tend to loose motivation quite fast if I don't see any results and start to doubt the "as you think you shall become" motto. In fact I actually think you start to become who you don't want to be, probably because that person is more pronounced in my mind and lo and behold, I'm becoming that person more and more.

The thing that scares me most is that I've been drinking more and more as for a couple of minutes my mind comes at rest and it's all ok. Something needs to change as I know this will only get worse.

Only thing I got going for me is the gym, I go every day and I look forward to it because for a couple of minutes my mind comes at ease as well.
Gotta force yourself to go out.
Maybe start a youtube channel with a camera to blab about something you like?
It could help break the quietness.

Another idea is when your out and about purposefully say something off the wall. Counter the fear of avoiding awkwardness.

Study acting
 

andreihaha

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I guess you should just start to be more social.
I was somehow a introvert until I started working. In the sense that I felt a little weird around new people.
The saying is true: If you're afraid of something, do it. And you'll get over it.
Go sit next to a hobo and ask him how was your day. Use a crappy accent and ask people for directions.
If all else fails, pretend you're foreign. People will see your awkwordness and will perceive it as inherent because you don't know anyone. Touch the a$$ of every girl you see and tell them it's the normal custom in your country.
The more you put yourself in awkward situations, the more normal everything else will seem.
Hope it'll help, it should.

PS: I hope now you're not thinking "This guy doesn't know what he's talking about. How could I ever do this or that?".
You know you should make a change for yourself, and now! Forget about shame, time is passing my friend, and it's never comming back.
Never too late to do the right thing.
 

Hal9000

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I highly recommend to stop drinking unless its in a social environment and even then only occasionally. Alcohol is empty useless calories so anything you are hoping to achieve at the gym is being undone by drinking regularly. And not to mention the negative impact on drinking just to drown your sorrows. Its almost literally the worst thing you can do.
 

corrector

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Try to keep a long story short.

Been on a dry spell for over 4 years, mainly because of very low self-esteem, not being social enough, being a p*ssy, being very needy and reliant on others showing interest or saying good stuff about me. I'm a quiet guy, probably because of the above reasons. I don't think I'm an introvert as I love social events and activity around me, as long as I feel comfortable at that place (for example the gym I feel ok, but parties with people I barely know not so much).
....are you sure the dry-spell is not because of hypergamy? Ryan Gosling has a quiet guy type of look but I'm sure he has no problems getting girls because of the way he projects himself. I have a cousin who is also a quiet type, again women just hand him their phone numbers and he has been married for a long time and has like 9 children. So I don't think quiet types with the right looks struggle with women at all. If you have the right look you wouldn't be in a dry spell right now so it can't be your self-esteem or not being social enough.

RestUnknown said:
The only girls I had in my life were girls who went after me and not the other way around. Currently there is this one girl at the gym who I'm 100% sure I could get as she gives very obvious hints, but so many red flags (BPD, her best friend has been in a psychiatric institution,...). Had a relation with such a kind of girl before, didn't turn out so well, all in all kind of great I don't go into it.
That's the way it should be with your type. You are not getting a high enough number of girls coming after you. You start to think, as I do, that any girl showing initiative has mental problems.

RestUnknown said:
For a couple of weeks last month I actually felt pretty great and quite confident, but it didn't show me any results. I tend to loose motivation quite fast if I don't see any results and start to doubt the "as you think you shall become" motto. In fact I actually think you start to become who you don't want to be, probably because that person is more pronounced in my mind and lo and behold, I'm becoming that person more and more.
What did you do when you felt great and quite confident? Did you meet any women?

RestUnknown said:
The thing that scares me most is that I've been drinking more and more as for a couple of minutes my mind comes at rest and it's all ok. Something needs to change as I know this will only get worse.
I use Irish Cream sometimes with coffee. It's really good. What type of drinks do you take? There is no better buzz then a small amount of Irish Cream with a full mug of good coffee. You should get tested from your doctor if you haven't done an annual visit to see if your blood chemistry is right and your liver is okay. Alcohol does not metabolize properly on the liver and sometimes causes bad enzymes to go into your blood. If these are detected you should stop as it could mean liver problems down the road and that is a very important organ.

RestUnknown said:
Only thing I got going for me is the gym, I go every day and I look forward to it because for a couple of minutes my mind comes at ease as well.
So everything else in your life sucks except the gym? At least you are not in jail or diagnosed with a bad illness. Things could be worst.
 
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RestUnknown

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If I would look like Ryan Gosling I wouldn't bother if I was quiet, as girls would throw themselves at me. I think I'm an average kind of guy, but my hair is completely gray at the age of 30 as it runs in the family. Although I get compliments about it, I'm very insecure about it and it probably shows through all my behaviour. Although I know for woman, looks are not as important as it is for guys, I still believe that I need looks to get more confident.

I was more talkative to woman when I felt great and confident yes, but at the end of the day I didn't notice any major improvements to how they reacted to me. I force myself in conversations more and more, but to be honest, I don't care about the answers I get, I just ask them something just to say something. This probably comes with the subtext that I really don't care and that's why all conversations die quite quickly and there are never any new friends formed. And paradoxically, I do care, I do care that they don't talk to me or engage me or I can't make new friends...

About the alcohol, I know it's a stupid and destructive habit. But for those few minutes when the buzz kicks in, all is fine. It's such a contrast to how my mind normally works that it becomes too addictive.
 

andreihaha

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About the alcohol, I know it's a stupid and destructive habit. But for those few minutes when the buzz kicks in, all is fine. It's such a contrast to how my mind normally works that it becomes too addictive.
It's just a short term fix. And it does no good to your health, I say it from my own experience.
But the real problem with alcohol is that you are using it instead of doing the right thing. And if you do, you'll get used to it and will never be able to do the right thing.
That is the danger.
 

corrector

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If I would look like Ryan Gosling I wouldn't bother if I was quiet, as girls would throw themselves at me. I think I'm an average kind of guy, but my hair is completely gray at the age of 30 as it runs in the family. Although I get compliments about it, I'm very insecure about it and it probably shows through all my behaviour. Although I know for woman, looks are not as important as it is for guys, I still believe that I need looks to get more confident.

I was more talkative to woman when I felt great and confident yes, but at the end of the day I didn't notice any major improvements to how they reacted to me. I force myself in conversations more and more, but to be honest, I don't care about the answers I get, I just ask them something just to say something. This probably comes with the subtext that I really don't care and that's why all conversations die quite quickly and there are never any new friends formed. And paradoxically, I do care, I do care that they don't talk to me or engage me or I can't make new friends...

About the alcohol, I know it's a stupid and destructive habit. But for those few minutes when the buzz kicks in, all is fine. It's such a contrast to how my mind normally works that it becomes too addictive.
Your post is contradicting itself. First you say looks are not as important to women but then you say Ryan Gosling would have women throwing themselves at him. That is because of looks. You even saying when you are confident and social the net effect is still the same anyway. You dont have to be interested in what a girl.is saying for any sort.of game to work. If she likes you looks enough she will change the conversation or start asking you questions so you would be more interested, or better yet, just hand her phone number.. Rather than be hard on yourself just dismiss women as shallow and the only reason is you dont have the looks to get the women interested that you talked to or are quiet. That is something beyond your control. I have the same issues too. People who say go to the gym and things get better in the ladies department are just chadsplaining. They dont what it is like to be invisible to women and live in a different world to us.

So what is your incel story or angle? Are you gymmaxing? Where are you in body fat and muscles? Do you have a trainer? How long have you been going to the gym?
 
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corrector

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It's just a short term fix. And it does no good to your health, I say it from my own experience.
But the real problem with alcohol is that you are using it instead of doing the right thing. And if you do, you'll get used to it and will never be able to do the right thing.
That is the danger.
Women are killing him through rejection. Porn is better than alcohol for the liver at least.
 

RestUnknown

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So what is your incel story or angle? Are you gymmaxing? Where are you in body fat and muscles? Do you have a trainer? How long have you been going to the gym?
Muscles could always be more, and although I'm on a bit of a bulk now, I think I look quite ok. Not where I want to be, but much better than the average person.

My story, again quite short, is the following. Father died when I was 12, raised by a single mom from there on. But don't think that's the major cause, I had a great puberty and was much more social. But I think it started with a girl I met when I was 16, she was head over heels for me but I wasn't interested until 4 years later when we started a relationship. Because I'm very needy and the jealous type it ended horribly. Very depressed afterwards, the thought is mainly "if I can't keep a girl like that who was so in love with me, there must be something terribly wrong with me".

I see that in my day to day interactions. For example in my work I started working with a new group for three days now, the first two days were quite ok, but today you already feel they're not that interested in me: I have to start conversations, I have to follow them to the cafetaria,... It's the same story every single time with new people.
 
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corrector

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How long was the relationship for? Did you start getting into friction sometime later in the relationship or at the onset? Did you have a honeymoon phase initially? How was that like?
 

RestUnknown

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Almost a year. There was not really a honeymoon phase I think, we were best friends before and one night after going out I just kissed her and then rolled into a relationship.

But, and here's the kicker, it was a 'secret' relationship. I didn't want nobody to know as I just came out of another relationship. I didn't want my ex to know I had a new relation with her as the ex was always kind of jealous of her and I was honestly worried about her doing something to herself. That relation was kept secret until the end, I never had the guts to make it official, although all my friends new there was something going on.

The friction came later, in the beginning she agreed with everything and I could make her do everything, I guess the first signs started 3-4 months before the end.

Pathethic
 

corrector

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Almost a year. There was not really a honeymoon phase I think, we were best friends before and one night after going out I just kissed her and then rolled into a relationship.

But, and here's the kicker, it was a 'secret' relationship. I didn't want nobody to know as I just came out of another relationship. I didn't want my ex to know I had a new relation with her as the ex was always kind of jealous of her and I was honestly worried about her doing something to herself. That relation was kept secret until the end, I never had the guts to make it official, although all my friends new there was something going on.

The friction came later, in the beginning she agreed with everything and I could make her do everything, I guess the first signs started 3-4 months before the end.

Pathethic
I must have had the "mother of all relationships" with a girl back in 2012 because I feel like I can just get everything out of that. My relationships don't seem to go over 9 months.

Anyway, it sounds like you had a honeymoon phase because you said she agreed with everything and you could make her do everything. That's honeymoon phase. Most relationships have a short shelf-life because once this phase wears off and you go into the next phase, especially in today's hypergamous world, it's usually when it is the beginning of the end with most relationships.

There was probably some triggering event that happened that weighed heavily on your mind. You didn't tell her about it and it just festered while you had relational insecurity (i.e. not knowing where you really stand with her but still exchanging "I love you"s). So it sounds like this to me.

There is nothing unique or special about your experience based on the textbook dynamics of relationships. It is more unique if it did work out and you ended up eventually marrying the girl. If you had a honeymoon phase and it lasted more than 3-6 months then that's great you at least had that mileage on her and can chalk that to experience.

How did you feel after the break-up? How long did it take to get over her within your dry spell? Did you both go on no-contact or did you or her try to maintain contact? How was your social life afterwards? Were most of your friends your own friends, her friends, or mutual friends of yours and hers? Did you deal with any loose type of girl within the 4 years, or have any other friends or talk to any girls where you had a going rapport with them within the 4 years?

I'm just trying to convey that your experience is not unique and nothing to beat yourself about over. You broke-up with her after a honeymoon phase which has a very short shelf life in most relationships anyway. The reason most relationships are short is people just want the dopamine high of a honeymoon at the start of the relationship but it wears thin once the conflict phase starts. The fact you both broke-up in a conflict phase just means you are not experienced in relationships. How can you be? This was your first girl.

Also for the record, relationships and marriages sometimes end for the most absurd reasons. It could be a word you said to your SO you didn't really mean, and it doesn't matter how long the relationship is, 3 months or 3 years, she's gone. You have got to learn not to beat yourself up when a relationship goes south. Unless you physically beat up a good girl, or cheat on her, there is rarely any good reason to beat yourself up for something that didn't work out.
 
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lamath

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Try to keep a long story short.

Been on a dry spell for over 4 years, mainly because of very low self-esteem, not being social enough, being a p*ssy, being very needy and reliant on others showing interest or saying good stuff about me. I'm a quiet guy, probably because of the above reasons. I don't think I'm an introvert as I love social events and activity around me, as long as I feel comfortable at that place (for example the gym I feel ok, but parties with people I barely know not so much).

The only girls I had in my life were girls who went after me and not the other way around. Currently there is this one girl at the gym who I'm 100% sure I could get as she gives very obvious hints, but so many red flags (BPD, her best friend has been in a psychiatric institution,...). Had a relation with such a kind of girl before, didn't turn out so well, all in all kind of great I don't go into it.

For a couple of weeks last month I actually felt pretty great and quite confident, but it didn't show me any results. I tend to loose motivation quite fast if I don't see any results and start to doubt the "as you think you shall become" motto. In fact I actually think you start to become who you don't want to be, probably because that person is more pronounced in my mind and lo and behold, I'm becoming that person more and more.

The thing that scares me most is that I've been drinking more and more as for a couple of minutes my mind comes at rest and it's all ok. Something needs to change as I know this will only get worse.

Only thing I got going for me is the gym, I go every day and I look forward to it because for a couple of minutes my mind comes at ease as well.
How old are you?
The fact that you like the gym so much is great.
How much of a shape are you in?
I use to be qute big for my height 5 11, truth is i notice women looking at me more when i lost some bf.
A man just look better when below 10%

Some ppl cant be good in every social enviroment, focus where you are good and confident aka the Gym and expand from there.

I use to be in a similar situation as yours, with time things change for the better. The gym and my hockey team made a big difference, met some new ppl then expanded my social circle.
Now its pretty great.

Dont focus on women or gf, focus on the things you enjoy and on the long run things will improve.
 

RestUnknown

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After the break-up I was absolutely devastated, I barely slept, lost a lot of weight, the world seemed a very dark place. I honestly believe I haven't gotten over the dry spell, there was this MILF BPD 5 years later which was only the first one, but I don't count that as it was an affair and I just fvcked her to get over that dry spell (nonetheless when she ended it, I was devastated again, but not that bad). There were girls interested before, but I couldn't get any further with them.

We kept contact simply because we have the same friends. We didn't talk to each other when we went out , but did hook up for two nights four months after the break up (just after she broke up with the boyfriend after me...). My social life was still the same, but it has gotten down slowly.

Your last question about the rapport thing is my issue I think. I can not, for the love of my life, create a connection with anyone, be it male or female. It's all superficial and never gets me anywhere. But with that ex (and the girl before that) it was no problem at all.

Currently 31, I do believe if I am at 10 or single digit bodyfat I'd look great. But my current percentage is about 16. People still ask me about my hobbies on which I reply 'gym', but it doesn't get that response 'yeah I notice'. Unless I walk around in a t-shirt, then I get compliments about my arms/chest. So definitely could be better, but not that bad I guess.

But I hate the fact I can't be good in any environment, for some people it's so easy to just talk and be fun to be around. That's what I want. But if I truly would be myself, I'd just say nothing, because frankly, I don't care what most people did in the weekend. And I feel everything I say or do is aimed at making people like me, even something so simple as good morning.
 
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lamath

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After the break-up I was absolutely devastated, I barely slept, lost a lot of weight, the world seemed a very dark place. I honestly believe I haven't gotten over the dry spell, there was this MILF BPD 5 years later which was only the first one, but I don't count that as it was an affair and I just fvcked her to get over that dry spell (nonetheless when she ended it, I was devastated again, but not that bad). There were girls interested before, but I couldn't get any further with them.

We kept contact simply because we have the same friends. We didn't talk to each other when we went out , but did hook up for two nights four months after the break up (just after she broke up with the boyfriend after me...). My social life was still the same, but it has gotten down slowly.

Your last question about the rapport thing is my issue I think. I can not, for the love of my life, create a connection with anyone, be it male or female. It's all superficial and never gets me anywhere. But with that ex (and the girl before that) it was no problem at all.


Currently 31, I do believe if I am at 10 or single digit bodyfat I'd look great. But my current percentage is about 16. People still ask me about my hobbies on which I reply 'gym', but it doesn't get that response 'yeah I notice'. Unless I walk around in a t-shirt, then I get compliments about my arms/chest. So definitely could be better, but not that bad I guess.

But I hate the fact I can't be good in any environment, for some people it's so easy to just talk and be fun to be around. That's what I want. But if I truly would be myself, I'd just say nothing, because frankly, I don't care what most people did in the weekend. And I feel everything I say or do is aimed at making people like me, even something so simple as good morning.
16 is not that bad
What kind of training you do?
Go heavy af low rep.

At the gym it should be easier to connect with ppl that have similar interest
Work out regiment, nutrition supplement start there man then expand.
Things will improve for you im sure man.
You just need to work on your confidence level in social setting, start at the gym and try to expand.
I use to work at my local gym it was a great help with my social skills.
Ever tought about playing some team sport ?
Its great physical activities and a good place to make new friend?

Also thing should get better with age.
 

evan12

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Try to keep a long story short.

Been on a dry spell for over 4 years, mainly because of very low self-esteem, not being social enough, being a p*ssy, being very needy and reliant on others showing interest or saying good stuff about me. I'm a quiet guy, probably because of the above reasons. I don't think I'm an introvert as I love social events and activity around me, as long as I feel comfortable at that place (for example the gym I feel ok, but parties with people I barely know not so much).

The only girls I had in my life were girls who went after me and not the other way around. Currently there is this one girl at the gym who I'm 100% sure I could get as she gives very obvious hints, but so many red flags (BPD, her best friend has been in a psychiatric institution,...). Had a relation with such a kind of girl before, didn't turn out so well, all in all kind of great I don't go into it.

For a couple of weeks last month I actually felt pretty great and quite confident, but it didn't show me any results. I tend to loose motivation quite fast if I don't see any results and start to doubt the "as you think you shall become" motto. In fact I actually think you start to become who you don't want to be, probably because that person is more pronounced in my mind and lo and behold, I'm becoming that person more and more.

The thing that scares me most is that I've been drinking more and more as for a couple of minutes my mind comes at rest and it's all ok. Something needs to change as I know this will only get worse.

Only thing I got going for me is the gym, I go every day and I look forward to it because for a couple of minutes my mind comes at ease as well.
Lets see , 30 -4 = 26 , it is look prime for many men , after that many start loose hair or gain weight, are you the same as you were are 26 ?
if the answer is no , then you really need to get in shape plus some visible lean to make up of the lost youth , then girls will start give you better signals , stop drinking and keep focusing on improving your look as much as you can , if you are jobless try to find one, you are still 30 .
 

RestUnknown

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I think I go too hard lately, been getting some more gains when going that hard but it's stagnated again. Push every set and every last rep now.
I'm almost 2 hours in the gym these days, 1h30 weight lifting (with decent rest between sets, but (too) many different exercises and I end with about 20 minutes of low cardio). I know it's too much, but it feels good... Started reading a book about bodybuilding saying the same thing as you, go heavy with low reps. So f*cking annoying that everywhere you read something different, go for 8-12 reps for hypertrophy etc etc...
But I realize my problem is mainly nutrition, everywhere and everyone says 70-80% of looking ripped is nutrition, but it's still way off and the 2 beers every day don't do any good.

My confidence is definitely my weak point, but when you talk to a girl and she crosses her arms and conversations die with everyone,... it's hard to keep motivated. I honestly don't know what I do wrong why people act this way as I tried many different things.

Team sport, perhaps but don't really know what gets me going. But I do am bored out of my mind in the evenings. Even thinking about picking up a second job as a waiter just to be more active and social.

Thanks for your responses mate.

Not the same as I was 26, mentally much worse. Looks perhaps better, but not where I want to be. But I feel I get less interest though.
 

GrowingPains

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How is it that everyone here seems to be running into BPD girls? How do you know a girl has BPD just by meeting her?

It seems like people read something on the internet and use it to justify something they need to be true for whatever reason as long as they have even the slightest amount of evidence.

"Her best friend was in a psychiatric ward. She's BPD."

"She liked cheeseburgers yesterday and hotdogs today. She's BPD."
 

GrowingPains

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I think I go too hard lately, been getting some more gains when going that hard but it's stagnated again. Push every set and every last rep now.
I'm almost 2 hours in the gym these days, 1h30 weight lifting (with decent rest between sets, but (too) many different exercises and I end with about 20 minutes of low cardio). I know it's too much, but it feels good... Started reading a book about bodybuilding saying the same thing as you, go heavy with low reps. So f*cking annoying that everywhere you read something different, go for 8-12 reps for hypertrophy etc etc...
But I realize my problem is mainly nutrition, everywhere and everyone says 70-80% of looking ripped is nutrition, but it's still way off and the 2 beers every day don't do any good.

My confidence is definitely my weak point, but when you talk to a girl and she crosses her arms and conversations die with everyone,... it's hard to keep motivated. I honestly don't know what I do wrong why people act this way as I tried many different things.

Team sport, perhaps but don't really know what gets me going. But I do am bored out of my mind in the evenings. Even thinking about picking up a second job as a waiter just to be more active and social.

Thanks for your responses mate.



Not the same as I was 26, mentally much worse. Looks perhaps better, but not where I want to be. But I feel I get less interest though.
The gym is not so black and white. Lifting heavy isn't the solution to everything. All the rep ranges have a time and a place. Sometimes they can be used in the same week of a program.

To understand how they all work together you need an understanding of the 3 principles of strength training.


 
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