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Girl I've been dating stops me every time we get close to having sex ...

Lover_boy

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So, I met this girl and we've been dating for a couple of weeks now, but there are a couple of things in my mind (apart from the title) that made me want to write a post and as always you guys' insight is much appreciated.

Now a little background on this girl. She's 39 (looks like 30 or younger) hot, has no social media, good career, etc. We genuinely vibe together. She also has a husband (which she had mentioned before) and married to him for 10 years but since the past 2 years, her and her husband decided to try having an open relationship. Her husband has been sleeping around with females (non-exclusively) for the past year and now she met me and says that I'm her first "fling" since her open relationship started.

She came over my house for the third date. Shes been over my house the past two weekends, last week we drank, smoked and started making out by the end of the night. She slept in my bed and when I attempted to take her panties off or grab her pu$$y she said to stop and took my hand off. We made out some more and then fell asleep.

Two days ago, she came over again and we drank and smoked some more, and she was naked in my bed (only her panties on) but still resisted the urge to have sex. Even though I was fingering her through her panties, she was moaning, and she was drunk. She still resisted to the very end. I kept attempting again but every time I took break while we hugged or kiss in between. I could feel the sexual tension lowering, so I basically had to climb back up every time.

At the end of the night, around 5am I gave up and we just went to sleep again.

In the morning she opened up a bit more about her husband and their current relationship. She said that he's away and coming back in two weeks. She also said that she told him about me and everything we've done and that he said "he was happy for her". She said that they decided to try having an open relationship because the feelings of lust and passion had vanished from their relationship so the only way to feel those feelings again is through other people. She said she's been dating other guys before she met me, but they never lead to anything and that I'm her first "hook up". She also mentioned that she was hoping she could find something like a one-night stand but what she found with me is something more intense and that she feels good around me, likes me and enjoys my company.

I can tell she really likes me by her actions and the way she looks at me. The way she kisses me etc. But I can also tell she's playing some games. She says she likes that I dont try forcing anything to happen like forcing for sex but I dont see why she keeps stopping it.

Am I maybe not turning her on enough, should I be more aggressive and rip her pants off and dont let her stop me... Idk about you but when a girl tells me to stop I get kind of turned off. I've been pretty gentle with her in the way we kiss and caress each other but maybe that's not helping me. Could she be scared of catching feelings for me, therefore she wants to withhold sex? Any thoughts on her whole open relationship dilema?
 

devilkingx2

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It sounds like she's conflicted about having a husband, especially since the open relationship seems to be his idea.

It also sounds like you're inching too close to the friend zone, you should be fun and exciting and sexy, not being told about her relationship drama.
 

Kotaix

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I think you're turning her on plenty, but she can't get over the "it's cheating" mentality.

Women know deep down that one night stands are bad for their psychological health, so it's a good sign she's avoiding them. I think if you hang in there she'll eventually give in.

But I also think she's trying to monkey-branch, and she's waiting to find the right guy to do it with.
 

Lover_boy

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I think you're turning her on plenty, but she can't get over the "it's cheating" mentality.

Women know deep down that one night stands are bad for their psychological health, so it's a good sign she's avoiding them. I think if you hang in there she'll eventually give in.

But I also think she's trying to monkey-branch, and she's waiting to find the right guy to do it with.
I definitely think that she's holding herself back because she does love her husband and deep down she feels that she is cheating/betraying him, even though she rationalizes about it and says that they are both super fine with it.

I can also tell that she's probably caught a bit of feelings for me since her actions kinda show it. I told her I was feeling a little ill on thursday and when she came over on friday she brought me ginger lol
 

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Kotaix

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I definitely think that she's holding herself back because she does love her husband and deep down she feels that she is cheating/betraying him, even though she rationalizes about it and says that they are both super fine with it.

I can also tell that she's probably caught a bit of feelings for me since her actions kinda show it. I told her I was feeling a little ill on thursday and when she came over on friday she brought me ginger lol
I think there's a good chance she's projecting and feels cheated and betrayed herself. If she was super fine with it, there wouldn't be a problem.
 

Pierce.Manhammer

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Well the obvious answer here is to be unpredictable. Withdraw a bit. Talk to her about what you want, she wants to know you’re right guy. Are you pumping and dumping? Seeing others?

maybe next time she comes over cool it down a bit and she should notice and start wondering, if/when she asks you can say “well it’s clear you don’t want a physical relationship with me”, just talk.

It could happen immediately but most likely the next time you see her. She needs to see you pull away, she knows you want her, that’s not a question for her. She needs to put some skin in the game. It’s sex first relationship after that.

I know you like her a lot or you wouldn’t be putting up with it. Have you asked her if she’s still having sex with her husband? That could be an angle: “if you’re having sex with him I should be able to see others too”.

She needs to know the jig is up, you’ve entertained her resistance enough and proven you’re relationship material, she has not. Whatever happens from here is on her.

Small incremental steps may get her to open the honey pot.

good luck
 

Howiestern

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I'd find someone else. Too much work for little pay off.

When in situations like this where a chick is being difficult ask your self what would you do if you had 2 others girls onboard?
 

bat soup

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So, I met this girl and we've been dating for a couple of weeks now, but there are a couple of things in my mind (apart from the title) that made me want to write a post and as always you guys' insight is much appreciated.

Now a little background on this girl. She's 39 (looks like 30 or younger) hot, has no social media, good career, etc. We genuinely vibe together. She also has a husband (which she had mentioned before) and married to him for 10 years but since the past 2 years, her and her husband decided to try having an open relationship. Her husband has been sleeping around with females (non-exclusively) for the past year and now she met me and says that I'm her first "fling" since her open relationship started.

She came over my house for the third date. Shes been over my house the past two weekends, last week we drank, smoked and started making out by the end of the night. She slept in my bed and when I attempted to take her panties off or grab her pu$$y she said to stop and took my hand off. We made out some more and then fell asleep.

Two days ago, she came over again and we drank and smoked some more, and she was naked in my bed (only her panties on) but still resisted the urge to have sex. Even though I was fingering her through her panties, she was moaning, and she was drunk. She still resisted to the very end. I kept attempting again but every time I took break while we hugged or kiss in between. I could feel the sexual tension lowering, so I basically had to climb back up every time.

At the end of the night, around 5am I gave up and we just went to sleep again.

In the morning she opened up a bit more about her husband and their current relationship. She said that he's away and coming back in two weeks. She also said that she told him about me and everything we've done and that he said "he was happy for her". She said that they decided to try having an open relationship because the feelings of lust and passion had vanished from their relationship so the only way to feel those feelings again is through other people. She said she's been dating other guys before she met me, but they never lead to anything and that I'm her first "hook up". She also mentioned that she was hoping she could find something like a one-night stand but what she found with me is something more intense and that she feels good around me, likes me and enjoys my company.

I can tell she really likes me by her actions and the way she looks at me. The way she kisses me etc. But I can also tell she's playing some games. She says she likes that I dont try forcing anything to happen like forcing for sex but I dont see why she keeps stopping it.

Am I maybe not turning her on enough, should I be more aggressive and rip her pants off and dont let her stop me... Idk about you but when a girl tells me to stop I get kind of turned off. I've been pretty gentle with her in the way we kiss and caress each other but maybe that's not helping me. Could she be scared of catching feelings for me, therefore she wants to withhold sex? Any thoughts on her whole open relationship dilema?
Try a different hole
 

Black Widow Void

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Looks like I need to come out of retirement and answer this one.

Unlike a lot of forum members that see women as conniving and intentionally out to use a man, I hope that (with my below words) you'll go beyond a knee-jerk reaction. Judging from your internet character, I think that you will.

I suspect that there are many variables at play.

1. In her marriage, she wasn't feeling desired by her husband.
Because you view her as more than just a one-nighter, she is able to fulfill some voids in her life. You not only desire her, you also provide an emotional investment. These are two important things to the typical female.

Not to excuse her behavior, but I wouldn't get angry at her. She may not actually be consciously aware of her actions.

2. She's married. She likely hopes that the marriage is salvageable. If the husband can read her like a book, she can (so far) honestly look him in the eye and say that she hasn't slept with anyone else but him. Also, the moment that she sleeps with someone, she'll no longer be able to hold onto the illusion that she's "married" (conventionally speaking, that is) . She's probably in denial that she's already 'cheating' (emotionally cheating) and probably still sees herself as the "good wife."

3. She knows that her husband is out sampling other merchandise. Her pride/ego will not allow her to just sit and wait. She also doesn't want her husband to think that other men do not want her. And she also does not like feeling undesirable.
It probably gives her some satisfaction to tell her husband that she's seeing someone. She can either let his imagination run wild and be under the impression that you two are already sleeping together... or she can present it as ... I've spent then night with him, but haven't slept with him yet.

Again, after reading my thoughts, you may feel used and angry. Just a reminder that she's probably not even aware of her negative actions toward you.

Here's my advice:

Next time that she's at your place, start off just like usual (have a few drinks, catch a buzz etc..) but before things get too comfortable... Throw her a curve ball.

Wind down the evening; just as you would with company that is about to leave.
She'll look a bit surprised. Your goal is to remain jovial, but firm. Say something (in a casual tone) like... "you don't appear comfortable taking things to a deeper level in the bedroom and that's okay" (the "and that's okay" is important). And the follow it up with " And, I'm not interested in things the way that they are... and that's okay too. It's been nice and I wish you the best."

Your goal is to appear unfazed and also not to put her on the defense. Putting her on the defense will reduce any chance of scoring a home run. And appearing unfazed will show strength rather than appearing butt hurt.

This will play out in one of two ways.
1. She'll walk out the door.
Sure, it'll suck, but if you continued as it's been, you'd end up feeling worse down the road.
2. She'll be more aggressive than you've previously seen and pull you into the bedroom.

If you score, wear protection. You don't know who her husband is sleeping with (and it's highly likely that they still sleeping together). If he passes something to her, you want to avoid as much as possible these risks.

Keep us posted and let us know how this plays out.
 
Last edited:

BackInTheGame78

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Sex isn't happening because she doesn't feel enough comfort with you. Why? I dunno.

She is interested but you haven't made her feel comfortable enough for her to want to let it happen.

Will she at some point? I don't know. I would back off all that stuff and just talk to her more and work on getting her to feel more comfortable around you.
 

Lover_boy

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Looks like I need to come out of retirement and answer this one.

Unlike a lot of forum members that see women as conniving and intentionally out to use a man, I hope that (with my below words) you'll go beyond a knee-jerk reaction. Judging from your internet character, I think that you will.

I suspect that there are many variables at play.

1. In her marriage, she wasn't feeling desired by her husband.
Because you view her as more than just a one-nighter, she is able to fulfill some voids in her life. You not only desire her, you also provide an emotional investment. These are two important things to the typical female.

Not to excuse her behavior, but I wouldn't get angry at her. She may not actually be consciously aware of her actions.

2. She's married. She likely hopes that the marriage is salvageable. If the husband can read her like a book, she can (so far) honestly look him in the eye and say that she hasn't slept with anyone else but him. Also, the moment that she sleeps with someone, she'll no longer be able to hold onto the illusion that she's "married" (conventionally speaking, that is) . She's probably in denial that she's already 'cheating' (emotionally cheating) and probably still sees herself as the "good wife."

3. She knows that her husband is out sampling other merchandise. Her pride/ego will not allow her to just sit and wait. She also doesn't want her husband to think that other men do not want her. And she also does not like feeling undesirable.
It probably gives her some satisfaction to tell her husband that she's seeing someone. She can either let his imagination run wild and be under the impression that you two are already sleeping together... or she can present it as ... I've spent then night with him, but haven't slept with him yet.

Again, after reading my thoughts, you may feel used and angry. Just a reminder that she's probably not even aware of her negative actions toward you.

Here's my advice:

Next time that she's at your place, start off just like usual (have a few drinks, catch a buzz etc..) but before things get too comfortable... Throw her a curve ball.

Wind down the evening; just as you would with company that is about to leave.
She'll look a bit surprised. Your goal is to remain jovial, but firm. Say something (in a casual tone) like... "you don't appear comfortable taking things to a deeper level in the bedroom and that's okay" (the "and that's okay" is important). And the follow it up with " And, I'm not interested in things the way that they are... and that's okay too. It's been nice and I wish you the best."

Your goal is to appear unfazed and also not to put her on the defense. Putting her on the defense will reduce any chance of scoring a home run. And appearing unfazed will show strength rather than appearing butt hurt.

This will play out in one of two ways.
1. She'll walk out the door.
Sure, it'll suck, but if you continued as it's been, you'd end up feeling worse down the road.
2. She'll be more aggressive than you've previously seen and pull you into the bedroom.

If you score, wear protection. You don't know who her husband is sleeping with (and it's highly likely that they still sleeping together). If he passes something to her, you want to avoid as much as possible these risks.

Keep us posted and let us know how this plays out.
So I saw her yesterday in class where I originally met her, her vibe was off a bit, I could feel it. Eye contact wasnt as intense, her casual joking personality wasn't the same. After class we talked for a bit, I sat next to her and spoke about how her weekend went. She said she's been going out way too much and that this weekend she's gonna stay in. I told her to come over and watch a movie and she said no, "Im super tired from the weekend and I really want to just have a chill day by myself at my house". She also mentioned that her husband was coming back in town on tuesday and that she is focused on that and really anxious to see him.

We spoke a bit more in my car about us and made out but she still did not agree to come over. I told her to hit me up whenever she feels like having fun again. Safe to say that her little adventure with me is done for now. Female nature is a b!tch lol
 

BeExcellent

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She doesn’t like the situation and wishes her marriage was stronger. Nothing you can do about that. Go no contact and see what happens. Silence & distance.

And meet other girls for Pete’s sake.
 

BillyPilgrim

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She doesn’t like the situation and wishes her marriage was stronger. Nothing you can do about that.
That certainly is understandable. Now if we can translate this sentiment into congruent and consistent signaling and behavior, that would be great :)
 

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BeExcellent

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That certainly is understandable. Now if we can translate this sentiment into congruent and consistent signaling and behavior, that would be great :)
She is married. She is reluctant to stray. She is confused. She is hurting. She feels disappointed etc. etc. etc.

Par for the course dating a married chick.

Look. If she had a shred of self esteem she’d divorce him immediately because this is the ultimate disrespect to a spouse, going outside the marriage sexually and blatantly in her face about it. Her guy is a Jack ass but she tolerates it.

So yeah she’s gonna be all over the place emotionally. She’s mourning her marriage.
 

BackInTheGame78

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So I saw her yesterday in class where I originally met her, her vibe was off a bit, I could feel it. Eye contact wasnt as intense, her casual joking personality wasn't the same. After class we talked for a bit, I sat next to her and spoke about how her weekend went. She said she's been going out way too much and that this weekend she's gonna stay in. I told her to come over and watch a movie and she said no, "Im super tired from the weekend and I really want to just have a chill day by myself at my house". She also mentioned that her husband was coming back in town on tuesday and that she is focused on that and really anxious to see him.

We spoke a bit more in my car about us and made out but she still did not agree to come over. I told her to hit me up whenever she feels like having fun again. Safe to say that her little adventure with me is done for now. Female nature is a b!tch lol
She doesn't want to fvck you. She simply isn't attracted enough to you, has nothing to do with her nature.
 

RickTheToad

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Pass. She's going through a lot and you'll just end up as an emotional tampon with blue balls. Hard pass. You understand her needs, but does she understand yours? Plus, attempting to hook-up with a married person is never a good idea; even with the spouses permission.
 

Epimanes

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Next....... she's only doing it cuz her husband already is.... she doesn't really want to be doing this.

Send her on her way. Find someone who's actually available.

Epi
 
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