GamePlan's Approaching Journal - Despite social phobia

[GamePlan]

Hey guys,

If anyone else here is doing a bootcamp or something similar can you please drop me a line in this thread, so I can check your threads out, too to stay motivated?thx

I'm about to be 24 years old and I've only approached 2 girls (I didn't know) in my whole life. Both times, I was drunk. I hope this doesn't come off as ****y, but I do get lots of eye contact from chicks and think I'm not too bad looking. However, I do have h u g e issues approaching anyone and obviously have some sort of 'social phobia'.

However, I think baby steps can get me where I want to be...and I really can't rely on getting to know girls through friends anymore.

1 and a half years ago, I tried the bootcamp. Actually at that time, I didn't think I could *ever* even say "Hi" or "Hello" to a stranger. I went outside every day without getting out that "Hi", but then one time I finally did and it felt great. After doing it once, I managed to do it a few more times, but I couldn't seem to say it to any chicks, yet.

The fact that I couldn't seem to advance, plus dropping out of college, having huge family problems yada yada made me quit. But I sort of have this 'burning desire' inside, that I just have to pull it off no matter how hard it seems. I think it's more of a necessity than a desire. I really can't let such a relative minor issue spoil my life.

So 1 and a half years have passed and 5 days ago I took a stroll close to where I live and said 'Hello' to somebody. Also did 1 'Hello' on the second day. Then did 3 Hellos on the third day. 1 Hello on the 4th day. and 4 Hellos today (all to strangers of course). So even though it's been 1 1/2 years, it's still there lol.

Note: One thing I noticed, which helps with doing this is trying to say "Hi" when you're still a few steps in front of them. If I'm trying to say it when I'm right in front of them, I chicken out too often...

I have sort of gotten used to saying Hi to complete strangers and believe, trying to get in a certain # of "His" would be nothing but an excuse not to finaly move on!

So my first goal is getting out that first "Hi" to an actual chick my age and doing it on a regular basis. I've chickened out a couple of times already, but I think I can definitely get comfortable doing this. And once, I do it, I'll be able to do it again and again.

This might seem kinda lame to some people who have less issues than myself, but that's my first goal, right now.

Those were all rather bad news, but the good news are, that I think for me there really only are 4 steps: saying Hi to strangers. Saying hi to chicks. Getting into conversations with strangers. Getting into conversations with chicks.

I don't think I'll have any problems holding a conversation and asking the girl for her number if it's going well. I "only" have major issues with initiating the first contact.

I've also decided not to go clubbing anymore before I've pulled this off to motivate myself.

So..If YOU who's reading this is in the same boat (starting or already doing a bootcamp/approaching journal), please drop me a line here and tell me of your thread in case you already have one going!

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

I just hope to god people on here post...too many people on Sosuave don't really post for journals but more of pointless threads. All the best luck to you my man! I got ur support! But i forget to mention, i can relate...i suffered social anxiety for about a month...so i know that "Like ur about to get shot" feeling of fear. I can understand.

 

[Microphone Fiend]

yea man, i had a journal a while back and i might start one up again sooner or later. Im not gonna lie to you, your first couple attempts will probably sh!t from a "trying to get laid" perspective, but most people are in the very beginning anyways.. if you stick with it, you'll be stickin it in in no time. If you thought that getting your first hi out the way was relieving, wait til you get your first sober approach down or 1st number close or w/'e else you desire. Think of it as a long term commitment, so if you are not super lucky enough to get success from the beginning you know that it will come eventually. A year of rejection beats a lifetime of being content with nothingness.

Good luck man, Ill be keeping an eye on tha thread

 

[GamePlan]

Well yeah, I definitely see it as a long-term committement. I already realized, I probably won't pull it off that quickly. But as long as I can pull it off at all, it's all good.

Anyways. I'll try not to write long posts, but only tell what happened:

Today: Went to town for 2 hours. Only got out 1 hi to a chick, who was a sales assistant (hey at least she wasn't looking my way lol), but that doesn't really count. So to make sure I would at least not fall back I said hi to 2 strangers in the end.

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

Not so scary now, huh?

 

[everywomanshero]

Gameplan, you are on the right path, bro!

Actions always come before feelings. You will not increase your tolerance to social pressure without taking action over a long period of time. Just keep takng action, expect the best, and remember that you're looking for the cool people in the world. You may have to weed out and ignore some people in order to find the ones who are right for you.

Saying hi is hard for you now, but over enough time it will become easy. Eventually you will not feel much social pressure doing this anymore. Everyone moves at a different pace.

Just know that as long as you keep practicing you will eventually get where you want to go. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up, because that just makes one want to quit.

Best Reagrds,
Hero

 

[GamePlan]

Instead of just saying "Hi" at first, try and use your surroundings to come with something better and more interesting. Since your learning, it doesn't have to be anything too much.

Thx for your advice. I'll definitely do that. But right now, I wanna be able to just say "Hi" to girls I see in the street. I think I have to overcome that first and get used to it the way I'm used to saying hi to (sexually non-attractive lol) strangers.

However, after I'm doing that (and like I said, I dont aim for a certain number..I just need to do it once..and then a couple more times), I'll shoot for conversations. And the using your surroundings part is definitely what I'll do.

Actually I was at the library a week ago and saw this chick sitting in front of a PC. I passed her once and she gave me eye contact, but I didnt do anything. So I made up my mind wondering: Should I only say 'Hi' or should I start a conversation with her when i walk back? So I kept wondering (yeah thinking too much ;-)) and in the end didn't say anything. So I think I just should take it one step at a time, right about now.

However, I realized, that the whole 'I'm not gonna talk to a girl, I don't even know what to say!?' thing is crap. If you're just a bit creative using your surroundings can provide u with something to say most of the time, I guess. I made up my mind and if I had had the guts I would have said something along the lines of: 'Hey, what you doing there? The weather is so nice today and you're just sitting in front of that computer all day long' (it was an extremely sunny day, btw)...with a slight grin of course ;-).

Actions always come before feelings. You will not increase your tolerance to social pressure without taking action over a long period of time.

Thx for your advice, too. Actually, I know this already.The saying hi to strangers part worked that way. And also, I used to always want to travel as I had been into learning foreign languages (I'm in Europe and lots of nice locations are close by..2 ways flights costing < 100$), but never got around to doing it, because I was afraid until one day I just told myself: you're booking a flight and a hotel room for the weekend in Paris *right now* or else you'll never do it in your whole life...after being totally afriad of it and only having been on an airplane once in my life when I was younger (where I didnt need to take care of anything).

Probably the craziest thing, I've ever done considering how afraid I was of it (just days earlier I was walking around in my own town stressed out because of all those people..and I had never been in an actual big city before), but everything worked out quite well and while I still get a bit nervous, I don't have any problem travelling anywhere no more (though it doesn't happen that often as limited budget keeps me from doing thatlol).

And I think if I make a committement, approaching should work out the same way.

I think with me it's sort of like..if I can get over that hurdle and do something Im afraid of, I'll be able to do it again and again...which is why I'm not doing the 50 or 100 repetitions thing, but just feel like i have to do it and then see how I'm comfortable at doing it and move on as quickly as possible.

 

[danielzxc]

Well, well, well. MAN, can *I* understand your problem. I'm pretty much in the same boat, dude. This shyt has dogged me my entire life. I did get over it (kinda) once, when I was 19-21, but for the last three years I have regressed badly and am just as bad (even worse, in some ways) than when I first came out of my shell. The stage I got to was I COULD approach, and not just say "hi", but actually "game" a chick, but I was still very nervous in the "build up" to actually doing it. At least back then I still did it though. Now, I am allowing that same nervousness to defeat me.

I started a thread called "Approach Journal -- smite that fear" or something like that. It was a nice journal and got some pretty good feedback, but I had to end it because, even though it did detail some interactions with chicks, none of those were what I would call actual cold approaches (there was always some context there). Since I wasn't doing any fully cold approaches, I figured I'd end the journal, 'cos it's misleading. (Do a search on my posts if you wanna check it out. I wrote very long posts, which I like to think I made it interesting, but maybe they bore some people.)

I have a current thread called "my problem -- a plea" which deals with precisely this problem. The short version is that i do feel that I'm prety good with girls AFTER I have somehow met them (friends, work, introduction etc). My biggest problem is the intial contact (same as you, I guess). (If you read that thread, ignore the "introduction" part of it, which is a bit off topic, and scroll down a bit more. Or at least, dont let yourslef be put off by the intro bit, which is me having a bit of a whinge.)

I really feel that if I can master, or at least significantly improve on this aspect of my life, EVERYTHING is gonna be SO much better.

Now, let me get serious. Because I have been making these "promises" to myself (that I'm gonna improve) for a loooong time. But I keep punking out. But THIS time, it's really hit me hard that if I don't make a serious effort to right things NOW, iI'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life. Now, if YOU are also this serious, then let me tell you, I'll make a commitment to reading this thread, and supporting you in your efforts for as long as YOU keep contributing to it.


PS
I'm into foreign languages too. What are you studying? I have spent quite a bit of time learning spanish. I met some Spanish speakers last year and spoke to them in Spanish as much as I could. It was cool fun man. Best feeling to see all that effort pay off, when I could understand them and respond to them. Of course, my words weren't always perfectly correct, but that's how it is in the begining. Where in Europe are you? The UK, I imagine, because of your perfect English.

 

[flows101]

Nice one mate you’re taking PROACTIVE action to improve your social life unlike 98% of people on this forum, I really look forward to reading your journal and dropping you tips where ever I can.

 

[GamePlan]

I did get over it (kinda) once, when I was 19-21, but for the last three years I have regressed badly and am just as bad

haha I know the feeling. At 21, I kinda had it going on...once approached a girl who was 26 and it went perfectly (but well drunk) and got with 4 other chicks around that age (all girls I knew through somebody, though..). But from there I kinda regressed again...

I'm studying business administration/marketing and I'm not from the UK, but from germany..so far I've learned English and French, but wanna take up Spanish, too in the future...but right now I'll have to focus on college, so I don't drop out again...how about yourself? Where in Australia are you?

@flows101:thanx.

 

[danielzxc]

I'm in Melbourne. I'm back at university too, doing finance, after I dropped out the first time around.

You speak (well, "write") a pretty flawless English vernacular. Very impressive. Are you at the same level in French?

Back to the approaching business, I did a "say hi to strangers" thing once, too. I got pretty good at it after a while, but I never managed to do it do someone walking down a busy street in the city. But to people around my suburb, like when I was going for a walk and there's someone out hte front watering his garden, EASY. Even when they didn't say hi back, which happened from time to time, it didn't even bother me. However, none of this really helped me with chicks at all. I've worked in sales a lot, and talking to strangers, even having long conversatoins with them, is no big deal to me. I really don't care at all about these people's opinion of me, so it never feels like there's any "risk" there for me. With hot babes, it's a different story.

I'm going to the mall tomorrow, and man, I am gonna try extra extra hard to just get ONE approach. I don't care how nervous I feel, or if I'm "tired", or any excuse. Like donjose said about, even if I feel like I'm about to get shot, I'll pull off ONE fully cold approach, even just a plain "hi" to a chick that I find hot. Just one. Hopefully I'll be able to come back and laugh at how hard this was soon.

 

[GamePlan]

I'm in Melbourne. I'm back at university too, doing finance, after I dropped out the first time around.

Haha you copy cat! LOL

You speak (well, "write") a pretty flawless English vernacular. Very impressive. Are you at the same level in French?

French was my best subject at school (the only one I was really good at actually) and I'd say it's on a similar level, but I still have trouble understanding native speakers when they don't make an effort to pronounce their words clearly. But I think English is way easier to pick up for a foreigner who makes an effort to learn the language these days. With French I always had the problem, that I could never find a good chat in French or any books/movies (and I guess that's how it is with most foreign languages other than English)...whereas most of the internet is in English and you can get most books/DVDs (when you rent them) in English, too...just like this discussion board...or many others...whatever you want to find on the web, chances are you're gonna find it in English (but not necessarily in German or French).

But unfortunately, the translation/interpreting industry sucks...that's what I wanted to do (even thought of trying to learn japanese or chinese because those folks can command higher rates..but there's hardly any business out there for that...)

Back to the approaching business, I did a "say hi to strangers" thing once, too. I got pretty good at it after a while, but I never managed to do it do someone walking down a busy street in the city. But to people around my suburb, like when I was going for a walk and there's someone out hte front watering his garden, EASY.

Same thing with me here..there's this huge hospital right next to where I live (whereas downtown or any malls are far). So i started there, but took some time to transition to saying it to strangers in the city..whereas I still prefer not totally crowded places...but then I thought, I better forget about saying Hi to strangers and move on to chicks instead. I'll prefer saying Hi to hot chicks in semi-crowded areas to saying Hi to strangers in a crowded subway any day of the week LOL.

 

[GamePlan]

walking the extra mile

Ok, so this is how it went today:

I went to the bus station. There is this chick talking on her cell phone, so I do not say hi to her... After she's done talking she starts talking about how her friends is having problems with a shy guy and starts talking to me (this doesn't happen very often here, so I was more than surprised)..usually, I guess I would have just said the necessary stuff to seem polite, but as I'm doing this approaching journal right now (lol), I thought to myself: **** it just talk to her..so I did talk to her..we got on the bus, she sat next to me and we talked some more. It was an extremely boring conversation and I have to say when she got off the bus, I was sort of relieved, as she really wasn't attractive. However, I'm pretty sure if an attractive chick would have hit on me like that and I would have talked to her, I wouldn't have had any problems whatsoever, getting her number.

Then I walked around in the city couldn't seem to find any chicks I could say hi to and those who I could have, I chickened out, again...however, there's an happy end to this, which I'm surprised at, too, because I didn't think my chances would be high, today.

walking the extra mile

I didn't mention this, when I started the thread, because I didn't wanna make it too long and no fun to read..but a few days ago, when I didn't pull it off, I made a point of walking back home from downtown after already walking around for like 2 hours (and the way home is like another 3 miles) in hopes of seeing some chick to say hi, too..but didnt happen.

Today was a similar situation and I walked like I dont know where (kinda far from downtown), when my feet were already tired and I felt like just going to the bus station...I chickened out a couple of times again, but then i was walking on this supermarket parking lot. Some chick was walking towards her car gave me eye contact, I gave her eye contact back when she (an HB4/5) was already looking away and I just said "Hi". She didn't say anything back, but I couldn't care less about that, right now.

I kinda feel like forrest gump now..when you make a committement and just keep walking walking walking around town, a bit of frustration and motivation builds up inside and sooner or later you just do it as long as you keep walking and walking lol...

So now, I did it once and am really glad I did, but now I gotta get out and get some Hi's to actually attractive chicks. Also, I'm thinking on days when the weather is good I'll take the train to the bigger city which is a 15 min train ride from downtown..as my city has a population of only 100,000 and I meet or see somebody who I know almost every time and it's kind of silly to always make up excuses like "I went to a friend's appartment hang out with a couple of friends..and now Im just taking a stroll trying to clear my head lol". Please don't tell me to just tell them "I'm doing an approaching journal LOL".

Tomorrow and the following days it's probably gonna rain..so I think I'll just go to every possible store in my city.

P.S.: For 2 weeks at the beginning of june/end of may, there's always some big festival around (sort of like the Oktoberfest just not quite as vast) and downtown is literally packed with people. Right now my goal is being able to do some actual approaching by then and use that time to the fullest, now that I see I'm making progress!

 

[flows101]

dude keep it up remember 95% of guys on this plant can not do what your doing to save there life's this puts you above and beyond the norm KEEP APPROACHING do not THINK just GO GO GO remember action is ALWAYS ALWAYS better then regret.

I look forward to seeing you up date this regularly mate and I will help you out and give you tips where I can.

By the way if your getting really nervous walking around go into shops and talk to the shop assistances THEY ARE PAYED to be nice lol.

 

[GamePlan]

Haha yeah, I know they're paid to be nice..I wont start actual conversations before I'm used to the saying hi to attractive chicks part (hopefully soon!). However, I feel that saying hi or having conversations to chicks in stores is sort of fooling myself a bit, as it's obviously way easier to overcome (I might do it with the conversation stuff though if I cant s eem to get started).

Damn yesterday sucked...I saw almost no chick that came my way...Im pretty sad about how it went yesterday and hope I do A LOT better today.

 

[GamePlan]

Just came back from walking around town for another 2 hours...and damn.its starting tog et strange...I saw 3 people I knew again..luckily I only greeted them passing by and didn't bother stop so I wouldnt have to make up a story lol.

Anyways, it started good..greeted 2 strangers in the park right away..then chickened out a couple of times, but in the end saw an HB9 walking my way and even though I didn't say Hi to her I made eye contact big time and smiled at her a little...and 2 mins later I did do another Hi to a chick. I can say, that one saved my day, I guess.

I have to say my guess, that once I do it I have it down and thus dont focus on a certain number of repetitions blabla was crap..and Im starting to remember what it was like when I first started doing the Hi thing to strangers..I did n o t have it down after doing it for the first time. It was just a huge relief and after doing it multiple times, I finally got used to it. But anyways, I'm still not gonna do a certain number of repetitions but I'll just keep doing it until I'm somewhat comfortable doing it and then move on to the convos.

Oh and I also greeted a couple of sales assistants in stores, but I cannot really count them or else I'd be fooling myself..as some of them said Hi before I even could (and the other ones would have probably done the same)...and also a girl I know by sight, but usually might have looked away from and not said Hi either (but then again that one was more of a mutual greeting, too)

P.S.: The social phobia I put in the title is not an exaggeration, btw. When I'm walking through down with many people around myself I really sort of feel 'under pressure'..and I also have major issues doing public speaking in class (I havent done that for 7 years...always found a way to get around it in high school) and thus had to see a psychotherapist b/c of that lately..who after not helping me a bit with his silly anecdotes after 5 appointments agreed, it would be the best thing if I try to overcome that obstacle myself...so anyways, if I'm still posting here in a few months and pulled it off, I don't wanna hear nobody say they can't overcome that problem ;-)

 

[everywomanshero]

Just came back from walking around town for another 2 hours...and damn.its starting tog et strange...I saw 3 people I knew again..luckily I only greeted them passing by and didn't bother stop so I wouldnt have to make up a story lol.

I suggest reframing this situation. You won't need a story. Walking is good for you. Women who think walking is weird end up very overweight anyway.

It was just a huge relief and after doing it multiple times, I finally got used to it. But anyways, I'm still not gonna do a certain number of repetitions but I'll just keep doing it until I'm somewhat comfortable doing it and then move on to the convos.

You already figured out part of the paradox. If you take action, then you feel better. If you think about taking action but then consider all the other variables, you end up not taking action and feeling bad.

Taking action == avoiding pain & Taking action==gaining pleasure

Oh and I also greeted a couple of sales assistants in stores, but I cannot really count them or else I'd be fooling myself..as some of them said Hi before I even could (and the other ones would have probably done the same)...and also a girl I know by sight, but usually might have looked away from and not said Hi either (but then again that one was more of a mutual greeting, too)

Salespeople count. You would not have approched them during your worst days of social phobia, right? But now you are approaching them. It is progress. Any progress that gets you out of your house is good progress... unless you're at home fvcking some hawtie =)

psychotherapist b/c of that lately..who after not helping me a bit with his silly anecdotes after 5 appointments agreed, it would be the best thing if I try to overcome that obstacle myself...so anyways, if I'm still posting here in a few months and pulled it off, I don't wanna hear nobody say they can't overcome that problem ;-)

I think you found a quack. A good understanding of psychology is very useful in understanding motivations and behavior management. I would not rule out this community based on a lone experience. Several friends of mine are graduates or in graduate school now for this. I've learned a lot of really key insights from these people as well as in my own psychology courses.

 

[GamePlan]

Thx for your feedback.

suggest reframing this situation. You won't need a story. Walking is good for you. Women who think walking is weird end up very overweight anyway.

I didnt mean women..the thing is I live like 3 miles from downtown and where I live isn't a lively neighborhood at all..so if I wanna meet people I got to go downtown..so I take the bus..then I walk around in the area where the shops and stores are..all good if I meet somebody there or in a shop Im like..just trying to find some new clothes..just looking around the shops a bit...but that area isn't big, either..so I go to other areas, which aren't that lively either (but more lively than where I am) and walk around and see people there and Id have to say "I took the bus to go to downtown did some shopping and now Im taking a walk (like over a mile from downtown)" when I live in a nice park-like area LOL. I do think that would be kinda odd, if I wasnt doing it because of what Im doing...but it's not that bad of course.

Salespeople count. You would not have approched them during your worst days of social phobia, right?

Nope, I wouldnt..but then again it feels easier than saying Hi to (not attractive female) strangers..which Im not counting anymore, either, because I wanna move further..but still youre right..its better than doing nothing (which is also why i still keep saying Hi or Hello to other strangers) just to be doing something about it.

 

[GamePlan]

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this:

A lot of times when I see a girl (who Im not willing to approach, yet), I'm wondering in my mind how I could use the situation/surroundings to approach her by saying something 'contextual'...so well that's what im doing on the side other than trying to get the Hi-thing down. I think that'll help a great deal once I'm moving on as I won't be like "but but but what in the world could I say??" lol...

 

[danielzxc]

A lot of times when I see a girl (who Im not willing to approach, yet), I'm wondering in my mind how I could use the situation/surroundings to approach her by saying something 'contextual'...so well that's what im doing on the side other than trying to get the Hi-thing down. I think that'll help a great deal once I'm moving on as I won't be like "but but but what in the world could I say??" lol...

So what ideas have you come up with?