G/F having dinner with HS Friend

[Frank Zappa]

-

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

All right, all right. Let's recap, okay?

We have a girl who I am guessing from all of the comments has cheated on you in the past. This is Strike One for this situation, because we often tend to predict future results based on past behavior.

She goes to a high school reunion and meets up with a guy there who she didn't really know when she was in high school. He asks for her number. She gives it to him. Strike Two.

She doesn't mention the minor detail that she has a boyfriend. Strike Three.

Now, imagine you're this guy. He's just out, minding his own business. He might be a cool guy, he might be an assh*le... you don't know. But he's talking to people he went to school with and there's your girlfriend. But see, he don't know she's your girlfriend. He doesn't know she's anyone's girlfriend. He starts talking to her, maybe he thinks there's a connection there. He asks for her number. She gives it to him, and he's thinking, "SCORE!" Meanwhile, she never mentions a boyfriend. It's this dude's lucky day.

So he goes home and he's talking to some people and he decides to invite this new chick over to hang out this weekend. He calls her up and asks her to hang out.

And what does she say? Does she say, "I'm sorry, {dude's name}, but I don't think that would be appropriate. I have a boyfriend."?

No.

Does she say, "I'll have to ask my boyfriend if we're doing anything this weekend."?

No.

No, instead she says, "I can't hang out this weekend {with a group of people}, but instead I would like for you and I {alone} to go out to dinner, perhaps on Friday night."

And this dude is thinking, "SUPER SCORE!"

John, listen to me very carefully: Girls do not give their numbers to guys they barely know, go out to dinner with them, and fail to tell them that they are already seeing someone WITHOUT A REASON. Think very carefully about why you would give your number to a girl you don't even know, turn her down for a group activity but agree to a one-on-one activity, and fail to inform her you have a girlfriend. I can only think of one reason. Perhaps you're more creative than I am.

Based on what you come up with, I think you know the appropriate action to take.

You may feel free to PM me as well. Lord knows I've been through this before, also.

 

[JohnJones]

She called me 3 times in the last hour and left messages saying she had a good time, that he knows what's going on and that he just wants to meet friends. She was trying to hook up with me tonight but I didn't respond.

I should clarify that she has never cheated on me, but has in the past on others.

 

[Frank Zappa]

Originally posted by JohnJones
She called me 3 times in the last hour and left messages saying she had a good time, that he knows what's going on and that he just wants to meet friends. She was trying to hook up with me tonight but I didn't respond.

I should clarify that she has never cheated on me, but has in the past on others.

A cheater is always a cheater, or at least very prone to it. Do not call her tonight... Let her sweat it... If you call her tonight, you're letting her know you still have control. Act like you did something important tonight too. Too important for her. ~Zappa

 

[Jay Fiedler]

First of all, dont believe anything she says.

I had this EXACT same thing happen with my ex fiance' about 5 years ago. SHe had met a guy at work, they started talking, one night he invited her to a work dinner-so she said. She knew I was upset about it and from the time she got home until 7 the next morning she called and left all kinds of messages saying shes sorry and she was wrong and, I'll never for get these words, "theres nothing to worry about". Well, needless to say she lied to me for about another month until the day she left me a note saying she was leaving me for this guy. It hit me like a hammer. I was devastated. I didnt eat or sleep for days. If only I used what i know now from this site. Which is what you have at your diposal now.

So..learn from us. Learn from me. I can remember everything from that night she went with him the first time to dinner. The pain, worry, agony, knot in my stomach. ANd everything I did afterwards-which was totally wrong. When she called, I of course talked to her and believed her total lies. What you need to do is ignore her tonight. Dont believe a FREAKING word she says. DO NOT go out with her tomorrow. Dude, for all you know she fvcked his brains out, you really have no idea-especailly coming from a girl that has cheated in the past. She'll tell you what you WANT to hear. Not the complete truth. Of coarse shes gonna say he just wants to be friends, I mean shes not gonna come out and tell you she just slept with him. Beyond anything, she met a guy-alone-without telling him beforehand anything about you. He has her number, where she lives, everything. Now, if Im the guy she invited over, Im thinking im in, if he hasnt scored with her already.

You must ignore her for a while if you really want to stay with her and make this work. If shes anything like my ex she'll play you both, then when she knows what she wants for sure, make her pick. Dont be the fool I was and go along with it. I mean think about it, tonight shes with him, tomorrow with you if your a fool and go out with her. You have to make her realize what she would be LOSING by playing these games. What she would be RISKING if she persists in doing this. You have to punish her, bottom line.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Originally posted by Jay Fiedler
You have to make her realize what she would be LOSING by playing these games. What she would be RISKING if she persists in doing this.

What Jay is suggesting is actually a very interesting psychological phenomenon. We, as humans, are more motivated by the prospect of LOSING something than by the prospect of GAINING something. However, if indeed this girl is playing one side against the other or cheating on you or whatever, then it's not worth it in the first place.

Tread carefully.

 

[dietzcoi]

For God's sake John, you are being treated like the biggest chump here.

Next her... NOW! SHe just sh1t all over you.

Fvck these women who think they can do whatever they want and expect men to just put up with it.

Move on...

Dietzcoi

 

[JohnJones]

Thanks for all the replies. There is little chance that I will b*tch out on this: I have some nonchalance.

I have to say that this is not a situation where I think she actually cheated or will with him (it is not conceited to recognize my advantages). She is still in the in love phase.

My issue is that she is the kind of girl who WILL do anything she wants when she is out of the love phase (she's a monkey girl).

This situation was one where she failed, like all girls, to see a "date" being set up, failed as Cassanova said, several steps along the way. So, my issue is that unless she has a serious reallignment of personality, she is not trustworthy.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Originally posted by JohnJones
This situation was one where she failed, like all girls, to see a "date" being set up, failed as Cassanova said, several steps along the way.

I might be able to buy the theory that she didn't cheat on you -- I don't know the chick. But do you honestly believe that through the whole process of meeting this guy, giving him her phone number, offering to go out to dinner with him on a Friday night, and neglecting to tell him about you -- that she was just "failing to see a date being set up"? I gotta say, that stretches my ability to suspend disbelief.

 

[Frank Zappa]

Please read Jay Fiedler's story above over and over again. I know you are going to think your story is different... I did that before. You are going to justify how your situaiton is different... Don't justify... Because you don't want to look back and be like, dang, that Jay Fiedler was right. Instead you should take the attitude that his situation is the situation you are headed for. So what's your next move? ~Zappa

 

[hitop]

Jay Fiedler said his ex made this remark:

"theres nothing to worry about".

Oh yeah, I remember that line. That was from the bytch that drove me to this site looking for advice. When she's hangin' with another dude(s), there's a whole lot to be worried about. My point of contention with you JohnJones is why you've needed 3 pages, so far, of guidance on what to do on these matters my man. You need refresher on "judge her by what she does and not by what she says". And thus far, you've been dissed, big time.

Now, do the right thing and get ready to eject from this relationship because I'll tell RIGHT NOW that this chick will be nothing but problems. Ok, get it yet? It is too bad that sometimes things have to work the way they do, but now, you are armed with more than enough wisdom and knowledge by hanging out here and getting great opinions and experience.

Be a man, right now u sound very AFC buddy.

 

[Fadero]

Originally posted by Giovanni Casanova

John, listen to me very carefully: Girls do not give their numbers to guys they barely know, go out to dinner with them, and fail to tell them that they are already seeing someone WITHOUT A REASON. Think very carefully about why you would give your number to a girl you don't even know, turn her down for a group activity but agree to a one-on-one activity, and fail to inform her you have a girlfriend. I can only think of one reason. Perhaps you're more creative than I am.

Based on what you come up with, I think you know the appropriate action to take.

You may feel free to PM me as well. Lord knows I've been through this before, also.

This couldn't be farther from the truth. Giovanni nailed it on the bullseye with this one. My last ex did this to me, and I later found out she was totally playing the field as a single girl, even though she was with me. Your girl has a different agenda to be out to dinner with this guy. She could've handled this in so many other alternate ways. Why dinner? Why not lunch? Why Friday? Why not a normal weekday? Maybe she only seeks his company for attention. Maybe she indeed has cheated on you. Who knows.

But one thing is you got majorly disrespected. I know it's so hard to see it outside the box, because you're involved. Believe me, I know the situation and confusion. All throughout my drama with my ex, everyone aboard this site told me that i was getting disrespected left & right, and even though I knew I was getting disrespected.. I didn't realize how badly.

Basically, your girlfriend has you by the balls right now. She knows 110% what she is doing. And what's worse is that she even knows how YOU feel. It's basically an exercise to see how far she can go so it's her insurance she can do this again in the future. And it will continue in different forms and variations, but the same dramatic b.s. disrespect.

The solution to my problem with my ex was simple and known from the get-go of this similar problem. I finally achieved a solution and end to my pain when I finally dumped the b*tch. And to this day, she still calls and tries so persistently to go out with me and ask me to do things.

Their loss, not ours.

Cut it.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

So john...what happened? Did you go out iwth her last night?

 

[Dubs]

JohnJones is a fool.

i remember his previous post stating that his girl admited cheating 5-6 times on other B-Fs and that she had not had any change of heart since then.

HEY JOHN can i suggest a STD test?

It's people like you that let the b*tches be b*tches. Too many people stick around like you, with women like this becuase they would rather have someone to be with even if it is a piece of trash then gain some self respect.

it disgusts me to even read this sh*T.

JohnJones, Welcome to my BLOCKED LIST, population YOU.

 

[Frank Zappa]

Originally posted by JohnJones
Let me defend her:

This is the last thing I'm going to post to you from one of your previous posts. You spend too much time defending her. She's a strong gal, let her defend herself through her actions. If she can't, you have some serious evaluating to do. Any defending you do of her, is just you painting an illusion over your own eyes. ~Zappa

 

[am4591]

If some gal did that to me, I'd just laugh at her. You're too focused on this one girl, you need to start dating around.

 

[jbbrain]

one more thing..how do you know that she never mentioned to the guy that she had a boyfriend (you)?

Did she tell you?

 

[JohnJones]

I'll try to do a full update, but let me just thank everyone who PM'd me with tips and back-up.

I just ignered her. She had apparently had dinner with him, told him all about me and gave him tips on how to get on in the 'burgh. They had an after dinner drink.

She called me 3 times, as I noted, right after the "date" and I gave no response. Then I didn't call at all Saturday till she TM'd me.

Basically, as I expected, she was supremely pissed about not having her calls returned. Like Kineti[C]harm indicated, since she absolutely knew it was not a date and she didn't think he did, she did not see it my way but, as with everything, at least at the moment she is willing to operate how I want to make me happy.

I told her it doesn't matter so much what I want, as what is right and potentially inappropriate.

 

[princelydeeds]

Exactly why do you need this chick in your life? Do yourself a favor and cut her loose. She is everything negative in todays women. Quit wasting time and move on with your life. This chick is full of sh!t and you are only helping her out. Your life will be a much happier place without her in it. I was going to explain what you should do but honestly its a waste of time. Cut this chick from teh team immediately.

You have become the woman in this relationship. Any time your chick can tell you shes going out with another guy and you dont have the sack to tell her no, you have already lost. She is the man you are the woman. Your woman should never even test you with mess like that. Let her go she is only going to drag you down.

 

[JohnJones]

I agree to this extent: because my external attitude has been that I am nonchalant and that I am in control of myself, I felt tactically that telling her in advance that it was incorrect behavior would not be a good move.

I never told her not to go, or that it was incorrect. I went silent to let her figure it out. I still feel that was my best move.

As Zappa pointed out, when she did say that she would not go IF I DIDN'T WANT HER TO, I knew that was dicey too. She should be doing the right thing whether I really care about it or not.

When we talked, she was ticked because I didn't return her calls and she attributed my attitude toward the date as a somewhat typical view that a man might have and that it was not under any circumstances a date.

Her view was that if its not a date, then it is not incorrect to go to dinner (which I agree with: there are plenty of women that I would go out to dinner with where I know its not a date and I am not trying to get anywhere with them) and all she has to worry about are my feelings toward it, which she tried to do by asking me in advance if I had any problems with it.