For those of you who use online dating

[al77]

For those of you who use online dating: when do you ask her for her phone number\IM chat\date?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Once mutual rapport and interest level is established, not before.

 

[gixxer]

I'm with Fd on that. The best situations I've had is when mutual rapport is established and they volunteer their number. You can pretty much be guaranteed high IL at the point.

You have to be careful though, because going too long without asking for the # could be seen as indecisive. Usually, when I know a girl is REALLY hooked on me I'll hold off on asking for the # almost as a tease and to see if she offers it or asks me to meet.

Lately, I've been going right from email to date - without the phone call. Usually I frame it as "I'm doing XYZ, would you like to go with me." This is only if I have high IL in her and think she'll be fun AND I've seen a good enough assortment of pics that I can be pretty sure she's attractive to me.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by gixxer
...Lately, I've been going right from email to date - without the phone call. Usually I frame it as "I'm doing XYZ, would you like to go with me." This is only if I have high IL in her and think she'll be fun AND I've seen a good enough assortment of pics that I can be pretty sure she's attractive to me.

I've always been an advocate on skipping the #close and going straight to the date. If she's interested, you'll have her number by the end of the date.

 

[al77]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Once mutual rapport and interest level is established, not before.

Francisco,

This is a golden rule!

Question: With quite a lot of average Janes I could not establish enough rapport at all... they seem interested, write back, share thoughts.....but they seem do not have a sense of humor of any kind. I am puzzled... what to do? just next them since they lack of one of the key ingredient right away?

I am in relatively rural/suburb area, so citizens of large cities may not have this issue at all...

 

[gixxer]

I run into girls like that sometimes. You just can't get them rolling. The conversation is there but there is no fun in it. I usually do everything I can to get them going by busting on them, giving them a hard time, trying to make them laugh, but if the convo stays sterile I next em.

Girls like that are usually no fun and I always have this image of them sitting at the keyboard with a checklist for their completely emotionless husband hunt......... NEXT!

gixx

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by al77
Francisco,

This is a golden rule!

Question: With quite a lot of average Janes I could not establish enough rapport at all... they seem interested, write back, share thoughts.....but they seem do not have a sense of humor of any kind. I am puzzled... what to do? just next them since they lack of one of the key ingredient right away?

I am in relatively rural/suburb area, so citizens of large cities may not have this issue at all...

I'll say it again, you need to qualify her. If you enjoy talkative, outgoing women and she's the type that enjoys watching Jell-O melt in the summer sun, NEXT HER! It's just that simple.

No one ever said that you have to be attracted to every woman that you have any type of interaction. Stop feeling that you have to draw out specific qualities out of every woman you meet. Trust me, less trouble is had from women who are comfortable to show their true nature. Be it good or bad, you will never need to waste time wondering about trivial things about them.

I said it before that until you become specific about the type of women that interest you (and adhere to those specifications), you will waste time with women are less than what excites you. It's not really difficult guys, just stop pursuing women that don't interest you.

 

[Bonhomme]

just stop pursuing women that don't interest you.

I'm hard-wired to pursue only women who really interest me.

Good point about suggesting a date before exchanging phone #s, especially if it';s something you're planning to go solo to anyway. Nothing to lose.

I do that sort of thing a lot with 1st dates in general. It's meeting on my home court, and I almost always know a lot of people, so there's instant status and conversation openers.

 

[sqone]

I've always been an advocate on skipping the #close and going straight to the date.

Yes, once you have a little raport (usually 1 positive email back is enough depending on the personality of the girl), I have had 100% success with skipping right to asking for a date. I usually say something to the effect of 'Why don't we meet to see if there is any chemistry. It's so difficult to really get someone's personality from email and IM.'

Once the date is made, I always request the cell phone number in case something comes up. So no need to remember to ask for the number during the date.

 

[geneticperfection]

Ok - this is going to sound really weird, but I first signed up for an online dating site 2 days back (I can't seem to meet girls I like through my normal social network), and I was wondering how the initial approach is made? It isnt anything like a regular conversation because its a 2-way street there and its easy to get ****y and funny. Online however, you're usually responding to some small minute detail in their profile that you've picked up, and you MIGHT be able to make a semi-witty comment on it that loses a lot without the correct intonation etc. I'm wondering what kind of emails have worked for people in the past, etc.

 

[chronic]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
I'll say it again, you need to qualify her. If you enjoy talkative, outgoing women and she's the type that enjoys watching Jell-O melt in the summer sun, NEXT HER! It's just that simple.

No one ever said that you have to be attracted to every woman that you have any type of interaction. Stop feeling that you have to draw out specific qualities out of every woman you meet. Trust me, less trouble is had from women who are comfortable to show their true nature. Be it good or bad, you will never need to waste time wondering about trivial things about them.

I said it before that until you become specific about the type of women that interest you (and adhere to those specifications), you will waste time with women are less than what excites you. It's not really difficult guys, just stop pursuing women that don't interest you.

Agreed. It took me while to get this one. It's hard to be natural and uncontrived when you don't really have interest in a girl. Never settle.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by chronic
Agreed. It took me while to get this one. It's hard to be natural and uncontrived when you don't really have interest in a girl. Never settle.

What would make it hard to be natural? It's difficult to switch between modes of dj and non-dj more so. One can still interact with women they're not interested in, they just don't need to close them.

 

[chronic]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
What would make it hard to be natural? It's difficult to switch between modes of dj and non-dj more so. One can still interact with women they're not interested in, they just don't need to close them.

Yeah but why would I want to interact with a woman that bores me? My natural reaction would be not to interact with her at all. There are enough women around that I should not have to waste time on women who don't interest me.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by chronic
Yeah but why would I want to interact with a woman that bores me? My natural reaction would be not to interact with her at all. There are enough women around that I should not have to waste time on women who don't interest me.

Here's an example, you're at a club or party talking to a group of women. There's one or two that you are interested in and one or two that you're not.

Would you selectively interact with only the one or two that interest you? Would you ignore the others? Would this possibly impact the first two's perception of you?

Just something to consider.

 

[chronic]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Here's an example, you're at a club or party talking to a group of women. There's one or two that you are interested in and one or two that you're not.

Would you selectively interact with only the one or two that interest you? Would you ignore the others? Would this possibly impact the first two's perception of you?

Just something to consider.

So are you saying it's kind of like networking? One person may not be of much help to you but he/she may have a friend who may be able to benefit you. Good point.

I generally have a tough time spending time with people I don't like but I think I'm going to try being a little more open from now on. I have probably closed a lot of doors for myself without even knowing it.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by chronic
So are you saying it's kind of like networking? One person may not be of much help to you but he/she may have a friend who may be able to benefit you. Good point.

I generally have a tough time spending time with people I don't like but I think I'm going to try being a little more open from now on. I have probably closed a lot of doors for myself without even knowing it.

Actually, I wasn't going in that direction but you do bring up a good point about networking. Actually it does feed into where I was going.

Let's say that you are charismatic with some people and aloof and uninterested with others. Now what if these people share the same circles? Some would describe you as outgoing and friendly, others may say that you are unfriendly and a loner. There you have incongruence, the thing that keeps one from being authentic.

I'm in no way saying that you should enjoy the company of everyone you may come across in your interactions (this forum is a great example). However consider that you are adjusting your authentic self because of these people you do not click with. You are cheating yourself because of some other person, you are relinquishing your control of who who are.

 

[chronic]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
However consider that you are adjusting your authentic self because of these people you do not click with. You are cheating yourself because of some other person, you are relinquishing your control of who who are.

Please elaborate. I don't understand.

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Let's say that you are charismatic with some people and aloof and uninterested with others. Now what if these people share the same circles? Some would describe you as outgoing and friendly, others may say that you are unfriendly and a loner. There you have incongruence, the thing that keeps one from being authentic.

I like this and see what you are saying. Even though, I feel like I'm being true to myself by only interacting with people I like, others may perceive me as unauthentic.