Discussion: You catch your GF/Wife texting another man at midnight

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

She says he's just a friend and that's it. Do you do anything about it or just let it be?

 

[zekko]

It could be nothing, but it would raise my suspicions. I would probably play it off until I could get some more information. Even if you would leave her over something like this, I wouldn't blow up over it but rather start secretly thinking about and preparing for an exit, IF it should become necessary. There's a lot invested in a marriage, I wouldn't blow it up over a text, but I would take it as a warning flag for sure. The most important thing is to have your own things together financially, you don't want to be left having to couch surf.

Is it an old friend? Some new guy she recently met? Some guy from work? I'd want to know that to begin with.

 

[Plinco]

What was the conversation?

 

[Steno]

I wouldn't even bring it to her attention that I noticed. I would just act like everything is good while I am low key preparing my exit plan.

If its someone your dating though its a different story, in that case I wouldn't mind since exclusivity hasn't been talked about yet.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She says he's just a friend and that's it. Do you do anything about it or just let it be?

I go consult my man Bizmarkie...the Biz never sleeps!!

 

[member160292]

Had this happen to me. A friend and My friend are quite different….

 

[EyeBRollin]

Unacceptable. My girlfriends do not have male friends. I don’t commit to women with male friends.

 

[BeExcellent]

I'm with @zekko on this at least to have a curiosity about who it is. To me (and I'm a woman with plenty of male friends, some of whom are very close friends) you do not text someone who is in a relationship with someone else late at night. The only time my guy friends do this is if it's the weekend and we are trying to meet up somewhere (my guy and I are out and about and we are meeting up with the guys or another couple...or my gal pals for that matter - or his gal pals)...other than that it is kind of crossing a boundary.

Now it's one thing if you guys are not exclusive. But in a committed relationship it is disrespectful. I remember many years ago a man I was fantastic friends with (close to best friends with really) was getting married. We ran around together all the time but were never involved. As things got more serious with his GF he explained that his soon to be wife would gradually overtake my stature in his life as his closest female friend and compatriot. Nevermind wife, lover, mother and all that stuff. And that with her as the most important female in his life my role in his life and the importance of that friendship would naturally fade. I understood of course and let it fade. I had the utmost respect for this friend, and I'd never ever contact him or anyone else that is attached if I am attached or if they are attached outside normal waking hours.

My close guy friends understand this too and they do not do anything that would cause my man to raise an eyebrow or cause any sort of concern. Half the time when they call during reasonable hours I hand the phone to my guy and he chats with them. That isn't what is happening here.

But how you respond depends entirely on how long you have been dating, what the terms are (exclusive or otherwise) and how much you care. Obviously it is bugging you or you wouldn't post about it here. Might be sketch. Time to get quietly observant if you feel it's sketch.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Unacceptable. My girlfriends do not have male friends. I don’t commit to women with male friends.

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[EyeBRollin]

What’s the problem?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

What’s the problem?

Well, firstly it's having the opposite effect that you think it is. Anytime a human is told "don't do something" or "you are forbidden to do this", psychologically it makes them MORE likely to want to do it. Just look at the Bible to see that. Eve was told not to eat the apple. What did she do? Yup...she ate the apple.

Secondly it makes you look about as insecure as you could possibly be. You think you are preventing her from cheating but all you are doing is making yourself look insecure in her eyes. If a woman wants to cheat she is going to do it whether she has male friends or not.

Honestly, it just seems comical to me.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Well, firstly it's having the opposite effect that you think it is. Anytime a human is told "don't do something" or "you are forbidden to do this", psychologically it makes them MORE likely to want to do it. Just look at the Bible to see that. Eve was told not to eat the apple. What did she do? Yup...she ate the apple.

I never utter words to that effect. If you read carefully, my exact sentence is I do not commit to women with male friends. If she has male friends, she never gets promoted beyond a fvck buddy.

Secondly it makes you look about as insecure as you could possibly be. You think you are preventing her from cheating but all you are doing is making yourself look insecure in her eyes. If a woman wants to cheat she is going to do it whether she has male friends or not.

Not only is this wrong, it is also foolish. Women in healthy relationships do not have male friends. Male friends are by definition a backup validation option. That is inappropriate and disrespectful. If she needs backup dvck she doesn’t need me. None of my last four girlfriends have had male friends. All four of them (1 is my current) have pushed me to marry them.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

Its disrespectful. If she doesnt respect you the relationship is doomed anyway.

 

[SW15]

This exact situation happened to me earlier this year. One of my few female friends (never was physically attracted to her) lives in another city. She lives in a city where I once resided.

She started a relationship in January. Anyway, her new bf went apeshiit about her talking to me. I am an absolute zero threat since I don’t live in that city & am not attracted her. Because he went apeshiit for no valid reason & demonstrated massive insecurity, she ceased communication with me. That romantic relationship will eventually falter. I have decided that if she contacts me at the time it falters, I will not interact with her. She torched the friendship.

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

Why did I make the topic vague? It represents a more realistic scenario because you will more than likely not know this guy and her response will be he's just a friend/coworker. However, lets say she met this guy through work and they have only had work lunches together and that's it.

 

[Stuffnu]

Ummm no! Texting a male friend at midnight is a red flag.
Tolerable if if this is a pre-established friendship that you’re aware of and a normal exchange.

However, if this is a new pattern of behavior and she gave you “it’s just a” is being evasive. A respectful woman would have validated the interaction right there and then. Why? She would want to alleviate any unnecessary suspicion.

I noticed something similar with my ex GF years ago that I left unchallenged.
She just had her 2nd child with him not too long ago.

Eyes on and trend carefully..

 

[EyeBRollin]

Why did I make the topic vague? It represents a more realistic scenario because you will more than likely not know this guy and her response will be he's just a friend/coworker. However, lets say she met this guy through work and they have only had work lunches together and that's it.

One on one work lunches between a male coworker and your girlfriend/wife are completely inappropriate.

Men, it is best if your women does not work in corporate America or a male dominated job to begin with. The best “compromise” is to agree on such a boundary like one on one outings being inappropriate. The majority of affairs happen at work.

If you can- employ your woman in your family business.

 

[BeExcellent]

I’ve always been very at ease around males and have had close male friends all my life.

My fiancé also has two close female friends. One of whom he dated for two years and one he has never dated. He introduced me to both women just as I have introduced him to my male friends. In fact last night I was chatting with the one he used to date for an hour and a half. She’s a cool girl, educated & smart and hilarious. We get on great. They were never in love and their relationship ended by deciding to be friends so each person could find someone they love. Even so he doesn’t go to dinner with her or go over to see her when I’m away on business because he feels it’s poor optics and just not respectful to me.

Similarly he does not appreciate me being out alone with someone I’ve previously been involved with for the same reason. That’s easy. Simple.

Two of my closest male friends are engaged and I get on great with their respective ladies. In fact one of those girls knows how good a friend I am to her man because she and I were out together while they were fighting and we ran into my playboy buddy, who proceeded to hit on her. I told him straight up to back off, because of my friendship with her guy…and she didn’t want his attention anyway, which she made clear as well…but once she & my friend got things sorted he called me & told me how she said “BE is a REAL friend to you….”

If friends of the opposite gender cannot or do not respect the relationship then I agree it’s best to cut ties. But if there is respect? No worries.

I mean seriously you always have to watch same gender friends too. I’ve had male buddies of men I am with hit me up on the downlow more times than I can count over my life, and women will sometimes try and poach a gal pal’s man. So really it all comes down to character. Yours and the other persons.

You guys that think opposite sex friends are unreasonable better never marry. Then you’ll be expected to build couples friendships where you are friends with both partners in the couple…policing your spouse gets very old very fast. You need to be with someone who you trust and who has character worth trusting.

I do not have male friends for validation or back up. I have male friends for the same reason I have female friends. I like them, enjoy them as people and am interested in their lives. They are great people.

 

[RBK]

I never utter words to that effect. If you read carefully, my exact sentence is I do not commit to women with male friends. If she has male friends, she never gets promoted beyond a fvck buddy.



Not only is this wrong, it is also foolish. Women in healthy relationships do not have male friends. Male friends are by definition a backup validation option. That is inappropriate and disrespectful. If she needs backup dvck she doesn’t need me. None of my last four girlfriends have had male friends. All four of them (1 is my current) have pushed me to marry them.

lmao good luck finding women who have NO male friends. Sounds super insecure too.

 

[EyeBRollin]

lmao good luck finding women who have NO male friends. Sounds super insecure too.

I am 4/4. No luck needed.