Delayed or infrequent texting from her

[HankHill]

So I'm dealing with someone who doesn't text much but there's no pattern to it. We've been out on 2 dates (kissed on 2nd date). Then she left for Europe (she texted a couple of times from there) and just got back. Even before the trip though her texts were all over the place, sometimes a day late, other times double texting, yet other times delayed by 7+hrs!. The latest was:

Me, Sunday 1:30pm: have a good flight back!
Her, Sun at 8:30pm: I got back last night, spent all day unpacking and such and now I feel like bedtime coming on, jetlagged but still have a couple of things to check off my list.
Her, Mon at 7:00am: And I'm awake already! The best part about getting jetlagged from Europe.
Me, Mon at 8:30am: Hey, welcome back wow, you must have had a lot to unpack and such if you spent all day doing it. Now see if you'd invited me over we could've folded your laundry together faster and made it more enjoyable
Her, Mon at 3:20pm: Ha! I'm not sure we're at the 'here's the vacuum, make sure you get under the couches too' stage yet :lol emoji:
Me, Mon 4:10pm: LOL, speak for yourself...when you come over to my place remind me to show you where the vacuum is :lol emoji:

No response as of Tue morning. She'll probably respond today or tomorrow. I was thinking of saying something to her about it like 'may be we should text more than once a day if we want to get to the next stages' or 'you'll have to txt me more than once a day to get to the next stage' etc.

Thoughts?

 

[RangerMIke]

Yea... you are offering to exchange help with household chores after a second date... you are moving too fast. You spooked her off. You are putting out the vibe that you are a potential stalker. All chicks had dudes in their lives like this... and they really fvcking hate that, and they are very sensitive to indications you may act like this. I am NOT suggesting you are a potential stalker, but this is likely what she thinks at this point, and hard to overcome.

It would have been better if you just asked her out. You should have just texted telling her that you would love to hear about her trip and asked her when she was free to get together. Then see what she does with that. If she had high interest in you, she would have reached out to you first when she got back.

What you should do at this point.... Well.... nothing. You have to wait for her the reach back out to you. If she does, which I doubt, then just make a date and go from there. If she doesn't just go find other chicks.

 

[HankHill]

She just replied: "Not a chance! cleaning and I don't get along" to which I'm thinking I'll reply with "So why don't you grab a bottle of your fav wine and come over tonight, I'd love to hear about your trip."

It wasn't so much I was offering to exchange help I was being subtle about calling her out on how it took her 'took all day to unpack' BS and two just joking. I don't think her or I would be folding laundry or vacuuming together anytime soon. But again, may be it could all be misconstrued...as a stalker? wow never would've connected that to being a stalker.

 

[Glassguy]

Yea... you are offering to exchange help with household chores after a second date... you are moving too fast. You spooked her off. You are putting out the vibe that you are a potential stalker. All chicks had dudes in their lives like this... and they really fvcking hate that, and they are very sensitive to indications you may act like this. I am NOT suggesting you are a potential stalker, but this is likely what she thinks at this point, and hard to overcome.

It would have been better if you just asked her out. You should have just texted telling her that you would love to hear about her trip and asked her when she was free to get together. Then see what she does with that. If she had high interest in you, she would have reached out to you first when she got back.

What you should do at this point.... Well.... nothing. You have to wait for her the reach back out to you. If she does, which I doubt, then just make a date and go from there. If she doesn't just go find other chicks.

This was my exact thought when I read the original text messages. OP is trying to be funny, but it is coming across as a relationship hunter.

That will push a woman away in the early stages.....hell any stages. That line about inviting him over to help fold laundry is very bad. I got the impression from reading it that OP was butthurt that she didnt invite him over as soon as she landed.

I would have just said "Glad you made it safely. Once you get settled in let me know your availability and we can get together".

I was thinking of saying something to her about it like 'may be we should text more than once a day if we want to get to the next stages' or 'you'll have to txt me more than once a day to get to the next stage' etc.

Again, not to sound harsh, but why would you think sending this is a good idea?

Hit the brakes Hank. Its called dating. Not lets get hitched after date 2!

 

[HankHill]

That will push a woman away in the early stages.....hell any stages. That line about inviting him over to help fold laundry is very bad. I got the impression from reading it that OP was butthurt that she didnt invite him over as soon as she landed.

Understood but as I said I was calling her out on her 'spent all day unpacking' BS and I was butthurt because after two dates that went well I expect a little more pursuing from her, especially when she went on her second trip for two weeks. If I left town after meeting a woman I had interest in I would keep in touch with her - and I did exactly that with someone who later became my gf. So I was a butthurt, in fact, the thread was about her quota of texting once a day.

I would have just said "Glad you made it safely. Once you get settled in let me know your availability and we can get together".

That's a good example, I liked that.

Again, not to sound harsh, but why would you think sending this is a good idea?

To cut out the BS of one text per day from her. For some additional perspective we've been talking for over a month, she left town on a business trip soon after we started talking, then we met twice in one week. Then she flew out for another two weeks. I think we've been doing this dance for long enough to be at least comfortable enough to do more than one or two texts per day, no?

You're being playful, but you are not flirting. You have set up no sexual pretext whatsoever by not doing so, yet you still decided to drop the suggestive idea of getting together at her place or yours, which is always going to implicate sex (whether done jokingly or not).

I'm totally confused...how do I set up a sexual pretext? dropping the suggestive idea of getting together is the pretext, no?

I would just suggest something along the lines of "Looks like we're both the type to hire someone else to fold and vacuum while we enjoy a good, stiff drink at the lounge".

There is a red flag with this woman and that is she's never had a LTR, she does seem like a nice person though. She hooked up one of her dates with her best friend because she thought they were perfect for each other (she doesn't want kids, that guy did).

Anyway, I don't think getting a third date out of her is going to be a problem...at another public place/restaurant etc. Question is, is that what I should ask her for- than inviting her over? I guess I'll just have to slow roll this because she just seems to want to go super slow.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Low interest. Is it really worth all this work and angst?
A man should only pursue high interest.
You’re displaying low value by pursuing her.

You should back way off. You’re not going to change her texting frequency. A girl who is actually interested will be much more cooperative.

 

[IUDonger]

Low interest. Is it really worth all this work and angst?
A man should only pursue high interest.
You’re displaying low value by pursuing her.

I sound back way off. You’re not going to change her texting frequency. A girl who is actually interested will be much more cooperative.

Can't like this enough. My phone isn't blowing up with interest from girls, so I hang back, and find ones who are interested. You'll know they're interested because they'll be hitting you up hourly either texting or calling.

 

[MrJack]

So I'm dealing with someone who doesn't text much but there's no pattern to it. We've been out on 2 dates (kissed on 2nd date). Then she left for Europe (she texted a couple of times from there) and just got back. Even before the trip though her texts were all over the place, sometimes a day late, other times double texting, yet other times delayed by 7+hrs!. The latest was:

Me, Sunday 1:30pm: have a good flight back!
Her, Sun at 8:30pm: I got back last night, spent all day unpacking and such and now I feel like bedtime coming on, jetlagged but still have a couple of things to check off my list.
Her, Mon at 7:00am: And I'm awake already! The best part about getting jetlagged from Europe.
Me, Mon at 8:30am: Hey, welcome back wow, you must have had a lot to unpack and such if you spent all day doing it. Now see if you'd invited me over we could've folded your laundry together faster and made it more enjoyable
Her, Mon at 3:20pm: Ha! I'm not sure we're at the 'here's the vacuum, make sure you get under the couches too' stage yet :lol emoji:
Me, Mon 4:10pm: LOL, speak for yourself...when you come over to my place remind me to show you where the vacuum is :lol emoji:

No response as of Tue morning. She'll probably respond today or tomorrow. I was thinking of saying something to her about it like 'may be we should text more than once a day if we want to get to the next stages' or 'you'll have to txt me more than once a day to get to the next stage' etc.

Thoughts?

Never say you want to text more, you will seem needy. You’ve been on two dates and kissed. Stay aloofish, get her on a third date and fvck her.

 

[HankHill]

OK so after reading the responses I have two options:

1. Don't text her back after her last text: "Not a chance. Cleaning and I don't get along."
What purpose does this serve? Perhaps that if she has a high IL she'll double text and reach back out. We already know she's not there yet. I say yet because most of the time IL can be raised with time/charm etc. She seemed to like the first two dates but I truly believe it's the long gap that's worked against us.

2. Text her tomorrow (24hrs later) and simply setup a third date, completely ignoring her last text: "When are you available to get together again?" I can't meet her until next week anyway due to my own schedule. If she responds with her availability I can then ask her what venue she's comfortable with. Let her make the call. This was the suggestion I got from a female friend (who's 9/10 but in a committed 11y relationship, so don't ask). She also said 'these new age women are a mess!' lol

 

[Billtx49]

"When are you available to get together again?"

ask her what venue she's comfortable with.

Let her make the call.

This was the suggestion I got from a female friend.

The friend just told you to put the woman you want in the drivers seat and you seem to be complying with all the questions and giving her ultimate decision power.
Lead her in the direction You want to go….

 

[HankHill]

The friend just told you to put the woman you want in the drivers seat and you seem to be complying with the questions. Lead her….

I've been burned twice by leading in certain places. She already turned me down once to get her over to my place (for the second date) and you can read what happened recently when I made the suggestive hint. So my option to lead here is to simply invite her to some random place...but then I firmly forego a potential opportunity where she might be open to hanging out at her place etc.

 

[BeExcellent]

Yea... you are offering to exchange help with household chores after a second date... you are moving too fast. You spooked her off. You are putting out the vibe that you are a potential stalker. All chicks had dudes in their lives like this... and they really fvcking hate that, and they are very sensitive to indications you may act like this. I am NOT suggesting you are a potential stalker, but this is likely what she thinks at this point, and hard to overcome.

This. WAAAAAYYYYYY too familiar after just 2 dates. She might have bailed altogether. You could hail Mary it after a couple more days if you like by saying:

"Headed to grab a drink at xyz. Will be there by 8. Forget the whole vacuum thing & come join me, lol. Should be fun."

In other words go back to being light and fun. It may not be salvageable but if it is relax back into light & fun, hit the reset button and play it by ear. That's all you can really do at this point.

The default should be light and fun I think for about the first 90 days you are seeing someone. You get too domestic or heavy or smothering before then and chances are excellent you are going to blow things out. Same as a chick would if she starts discussing marriage and children on a first or second date.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I've been burned twice by leading in certain places. She already turned me down once to get her over to my place (for the second date) and you can read what happened recently when I made the suggestive hint. So my option to lead here is to simply invite her to some random place...but then I firmly forego a potential opportunity where she might be open to hanging out at her place etc.

Do with someone else. Some guys don't even allow one flake let alone two or three.

 

[HankHill]

This. WAAAAAYYYYYY too familiar after just 2 dates.

...2 dates and over a month of off/on texting but OK perhaps it was.

She might have bailed altogether.

She hasn't. As I said in the subsequent replies getting a third date isn't going to be a problem.

 

[BeExcellent]

Chatting doesn't matter. Face to face interaction is what matters. I have guys who chat to me periodically for months or years. That isn't dating even though maybe they think they are building rapport or something silly. They are wrong but nevermind. Investment happens when someone is giving you their undivided attention and time live in real life. Nothing else matters. Two dates and chit chat is merely 2 dates and some conversation.

No she doen't appear to have bailed...but she is laying down pretty overt boundaries by telling you she doesn't clean (up after some presumptuous man she barely knows - how dare he put that out there)...there is an indignance in her tone the way I read it.

You have got to work out better calibration and comfort building in early stage dating. Meaningless banter, chit chat, discussions that give some attention but at the end of the day are nothingness. Sound silly? It shows social calibration. From that nothingness conversation you work in the sexual content, the innuendo, the double entandre and the suggestive comment that might be sexual, but it might not. Nuance. Practice flirting and having nothing conversations with every woman you come in contact with. Read @narcissist and his posts about 100 approaches in 100 days. That guy got up the learning curve extremely fast doing that daily challenge for himself. And he didn't get to 100 days either before he found girls he wanted to date and explore further.

Try not to react defensively to the advice you are getting. Each person here on the thread is trying to help you do better and experience greater success. Obviously it's buffet, so use what suits you, but you need to be lighter, less worried about the goal or the result. Women read goal oriented dating behavior from miles away and it's a turn-off almost without exception. Drop the heavy expectations and just relax and enjoy yourself.

 

[HankHill]

No she doen't appear to have bailed...but she is laying down pretty overt boundaries by telling you she doesn't clean (up after some presumptuous man she barely knows - how dare he put that out there)...there is an indignance in her tone the way I read it.

To clarify, *she* brought up the vacuuming, I simply replied in the same context, playfully. Anything can be misconstrued if read into too much which is what happened here.

Try not to react defensively to the advice you are getting.

I'm not reacting defensively at all, I'm trying to clarify when people are posting without even having the full picture.

 

[HankHill]

One thing I've found is women have an enormous focus on biological clock time bot a bottomless pit of time to waste "talking to" guys in all their free time. The time management skill is amazing. Men will interpret a woman texting him every waking moment as long term interest.

If women just chat and don't go on dates...they're just seeking attention/validation. I don't think I've ever entertained any women like that EXCEPT for those I truly see as friends and nothing more.

 

[Rainman4707]

Hi hankhill It should'nt bother you how long she takes to unpack. I have to agree with other posters that this mentality will be a major red flag to women.

I think you are concerned to much & invested to much into how this progresses between you two. You have only been on two dates with her.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Dude, you're 43, you shouldn't even be remotely concerned with this s*hit. You should be in total IDGAF mode--with ALL women.

Texting is overrated and over-analysed more than anything on this site. I think it was David Deangelo that said "Give her the gift of missing you." I text to set or confirm dates, especially early on. Not for idle chit chat. Almost every pro dating coach is in agreement that texting too much, even daily, actually lowers interest level. Unless your in a LTR then a little more is fine. Barraging her with texts and then getting piss*sed when she doesn't replay fast enough isn't the way of the DJ. It's needy and insecure. Sorry for the tough love, but c'mon man.

Also, not all women will blow up your phone if interested. Maybe 25-50% will. Mostly needy, immature ones will. Some or most women will allow the man to pursue, as he should, especially the more mature ones and ones worth pursuing. This is based on many years of dating. I'd venture @BeExcellent is in this category, of not blowing up a man's phone if she's interested. She's probably allows him to pursue her but gives him signs she's interested like accepting his dates and calls. So don't buy into the whole "if she's not blowing up my phone she's not interested" crap. She's not interested if she won't go out with you or makes excuses. THEN it's time to eject.

My advice with this one? Hang low for a few days then invite her along for something you're already doing; art show, ball game, hike, UFC fight, whatever.

Good luck.

~Dash

 

[lizardking82]

The transition from texting to a date is quite common nowadays and just like every stage of a process, the texting is important, unlike some members think here. If you don't come off as interesting and provoking enough to her in texting, a date is not even going to happen.

On the other hand, I agree that face to face, personal time is important, but not if you "get it from her". It has to be in a way where the date comes naturally and you don't feel like you got a chance to be the "joker" and "perform" as well as you can. You shouldn;t even care if she accepts the date, but that's confidence, real confidence, and very few men have that.