Current GF / Lost interest in Sex

[BackInTheGame78]

I have posted previously in other threads that this specific woman is pretty much a woman with no interests, hobbies or activities.

Many discussions have taken place with her with suggestions on how to fill up her time with interests, for her to do something during the day after work and not to sit / netflix / chill all day so she is not bored, this is also part of the problem. I'm not her daddy to try and solve all her psychological problems, sexual problems, i tried as a partner to help her and ignite interest in her daily life and routines.

Many women this days are scrolling on their phones all day, netflix and chill and are gossipping with their girlfriends about what celebrities have done in the past 24 hours which is probably the most boring and stupid thing to waste your daily time on. Part of that is what she is doing, not to a high level of extend as she used too.

But here is the thing, my mission at the moment is to win financially, spiritually, and health wise and to help my family. I have no time to be on the couch all day, netflix and do boring-life-stupid-routines. I'm on a mission to create an interesting life and i want a partner that will do that with me, not a partner who is focused on what season game of thrones has ended on. This was discussed and as she pointed out she understands that she needs to work on that.

Every week there is plan to go somewhere, i plan and lead to do things. I can't do this every single day of the week so she is not bored because she has nothing to do after work, this is what @Gamisch also pointed out her efforts are pretty much like a tea-spoon. She has to figure out things and work to create an interesting life also on HER PART.

I want an interesting life, in the beggining when we met, there was more spark yes, but part of her lifestyle was different because she was coming from another city to stay with me, before she moved in with me. So probably she was not that bored as she is now because she was with her friends in her city and now she is not, but we are going to her city every two weeks, so she can see her family and friends so yes i'm INVESTING in that.

We are in the same house, she is working from home. I get that life can get predictable, and boring but my current lifestyle does not have an active social lifestyle as before, and from experience i know that human beings need to interact and socialize or they will die from boredom.

I get that she is not socializing, she is home all day, but hey you are livin with me, you should be happy to an extend because this was a mutual decision. If this has killed the desire, well then i get that and there is nothing i can do or change. She either will change her boring, predictable behaviours and also provide as a partner some efforts in to this relationship or i'm out and this is done.

To finalize, this is not part of "my problem" and i will transfer this to the next relationship. Is a large part also of her problem, communicaton is there, we are communicating there is some arguments here and there as with all relationships but nothing major.

I have nothing to transfer to a next relationship, My EX was all over me without me having to discuss anything, she was very sexual and she loved sex. So there is a difference of a woman who knows what she wants and a woman who does not understand basic principles on how to keep a man.

Now, i'm done.

Interested to get your point of view as a woman.

Why are you choosing to try and drag dead weight up a steep hill?

My God man, stop wasting your time. This woman is NOT it for you...you have differing lifestyles and that means you are incompatible long term.

This is NOT FIXABLE, no matter how hard you try. Eventually one of you is going to get really pissed off and flip out on the other person and say a bunch of things that are terrible and will end the relationship.

So instead of waiting for the inevitable, go find someone who will support you on your mission instead of being dead weight that you are forced to drag a long that is weighing you down like an anchor.

You are never going to get where you want to go with her in the picture. Just so you know.

 

[plumber]

OP, one of the common things we do is blame ourselves. Yaaa, we might voice out that it was her... or them or whatever. but deep inside we tend to blame yourself and believe that perhaps we are not good enough.

You know yourself and what you do and have done. If your being a decent man (I don't mean superman, just decent) then your doing your part. It is entirely possible that its just her..

Suggest you review your own actions, if your being more or less kind and supportive and doing the well known common right things, and she is treating you bad, then its her and not you.

bail out, life is only once.

She does not share your sense of justice or of good and bad or of right and wrong. She has her very own version of those things.

Unless she is old enough for menopause, shutting down sex means she does not respect you or she has a med issue.

Apparently your a decent guy with resources as she doesn't just leave or kick you out.

There are really women that only respect bad men... Lots of reasons for that, but it doesn't matter for you. You have to do you. This situation will never be what you wish for. She will likely just continue to coast at your expense until she gets a better offer. That could be years from now. In the meantime you will wither as you feel and live as a rejected man.

Maybe you hope someone will give advice that will fix this. There are ways to force respect from fear without breaking the law. There are ways to negotiate transaction details. I don't know of any way to force admiration and desire.

Another poster on SS years ago explained the light switch effect. Something happens and as a result she will flip the switch off, and the lights go out. It can be all sorts of things that cause this. Its a one way switch. Its similar to the idea that we can never "un see something". This can happen on several different times, like its a row of switches and they keep getting switched off. They will never go back on. Eventually they all are off. If you had a family already and try to take care of the kids, maybe it makes sense to keep doing your best. Otherwise, no. Your like a frog being cooked, doesn't jump from the kettle until dead.

Imagine if you and her switch places and you are acting like she does. What would cause you to do such a thing or to act that way... And not try to fix it.... Why would you not try to fix it if you are her...

It is possible that if we asked her about this, she tells a different story. Some of her story might sound like fiction to you.

 

[BeExcellent]

Listen @Learning Curve I agree 100% with @BackInTheGame78 on this.

Maybe she's depressed, misses her city/friends/life. Who knows. You are correct it is not your problem nor are you her entertainment director. But now that you know she's like that AND your sex life has dried up as well, why haven't you split already? She uprooted & moved. Ok. Why on Earth didn't y'all discuss goals and the future plan BEFORE you moved her in?

It's also never only 1 person at fault in any relationship problems. Sometimes one person is much more to blame than another, its true, but you need to cut her loose if she's THAT much of a bump on a log.

My husband moved in the week after he proposed. We both work at home. We travel together, have TV shows we enjoy together, I go to his sporting events, we spend a LOT of time together but we get out and go do stuff.

My daughter-in-law does not work, is 21 years old, pregnant, and moved across the country when my son got deployed as a military officer. She bakes, home makes, organizes and goes all over the place with him. He surfs, she reads on the beach. She has made friends with other military wives, one of whom is also young & expecting. They are lovers and best friends. My husband and I are lovers & friends too.

But y'all are much more disconnected interpersonally. She is not establishing new friendships in your city or trying to do stuff assuming your story is 100% true. And if it is? You'd drop her. So there's more to it than this.

I know what a healthy relationship is. I taught my son to have a healthy relationship too. You don't have one. So either you are not telling the whole story or you are tolerating an interaction that you should have ended a while ago.

Not buying your story. It doesn't add up.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

Now, i'm done.

Well, you bring in your ex a lot to this discussion but she is still your ex and your current gf is your current gf.

@ sex being less often in cohabitating relationship - that's how things are, sex is also about mystery and tension to see the other person, it is evolutionary thing connected with our mating patterns in order to have children - this mystery about the second person and the initial "kick" of interest is mostly gone after you start living together - it is like that with every women, there is no unicorn.

Now, most of the females interest lie in areas that are not interesting to us - make ups, gossip concerning celebrities, gossip with their friend circle, dancing (uhh boring AF) watching TV/soap operas, borderline dumb TV programmes (Oprah-Karens), parties/social events, doing online shopping for another pair of shoes or dress (ugh) - this is all tied to monkey branching. If your current partner is not interested in any of these, then she is at least partially, pleasantly boring and being pleasantly boring is perfectly normal.

You are most probably a leader in your relationship - the female you have met is most probably a more introvertic type, tied to house she lives in, stable, unimaginative, waiting to be led by you - therefore she is usual wife material for most men and she can be led successfully for family purposes as you will want to define them and she may be more imaginative both in bed and in current life if you will declare it openly to her and make it a requirement for her.

If you do not want to start family with her (and from what I read, you don't) then leave her and find a woman more in line with your requirements (more active, more sexually aroused by definition, with more interests in other areas of life) just keep in mind that such a woman will be also much more demanding & eventually time/resources consuming, which is usually not a good thing.

 

[Learning Curve]

My husband moved in the week after he proposed. We both work at home. We travel together, have TV shows we enjoy together, I go to his sporting events, we spend a LOT of time together but we get out and go do stuff.

We also did travel together, we also watch some TV Shows together, we also lay on the couch in the night and relax, we also get out and do stuff.

But y'all are much more disconnected interpersonally. She is not establishing new friendships in your city or trying to do stuff assuming your story is 100% true. And if it is? You'd drop her. So there's more to it than this.

She works from home, and she is not the type of establishing new friendships, she is quite introverted. She preffers to have less friends and only some that she gets along with. She is not the type that will chase new friendships to be honest.

You assume my story is not 100% true because in your woman mind you believe that i'm trying to blame my GF for everything yet this is not what i'm doing. I'm sharing the story as it is.

I know what a healthy relationship is. I taught my son to have a healthy relationship too. You don't have one. So either you are not telling the whole story or you are tolerating an interaction that you should have ended a while ago.

Not buying your story. It doesn't add up.

Probably i'm tolerating more than i should. This is true.

But, what i'm sharing is what it is.

I agree on what you are saying to an extend, but you have to also agree that some women don't understand how to keep a man and they don't care. And this is my case.

Some women are boring, dead sexually, and a starfish. It is what it is. This is the reality.

The point of this thread is not to blame my GF for everything, is not to say that i don't love her or that i don't like her, but that she is not prioritizing things that are important to me and in my mind it should have been also important to her.

She never opens any discussions on SEX, ok she is shy? ok i get that. Let me do that 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 times yet nothing changes or nothing gets her going. This is weird. I never met a woman who did not like sex, and i had some very passionate experiences in my life.

This general situation is weird, and i'm trying to understand who is to blame.

As a woman, you are dead sexually? ok let's work on that. Let me try to spice things up, let me put some effort yet you don't put any. Let me please you princess 100 times, yet you never please me. Let me invest time in what has to be one the most important aspects of a relationship besides communication which is SEX. Yet you invest none.

Again, i know, just "leave"

Yes i can do that quite easily, dumb her and move on. And at the of the day if nothing changes after a discussion i will, i have done that before, i don't care being alone if people think i do. Things will eventually be back to normal and i can move on.

To finalize, is me understanding who is to blame, and if i move on to learn from this experience so i have a better filtering sensors.

 

[The Duke]

The times when I truly figured out why my failed relationships failed always came many months down the road after the dust settled and my head became clear once again. Sometimes we need to heal before we can see. The passage of time is a beautiful thing.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Its her choice. I'd guess her lack of sexual desire has more to do with how she feels about you and the relationship than it does about sex. All you can do is your best, and help facilitate change. She has to do her part and if she isn't willing, then its time to end this.

 

[BeExcellent]

My "woman brain" is not the issue. I am a sexual being, I find connection in a fulfilling sexual relationship and that is a requirement for me. So believe me I understand your frustration there. I chose men based in sexual desire as priority. Then there are other things I require in addition (leadership, masculinity, ambition, intelligence, humor, fitness, vulnerability and heart).

 

[Barrister]

OP,

Sometimes a relationship has simply run its course and it is time to move on. In your case, it is past time to move on. A lot of guys will comment on "always keeping things interesting" to prevent a woman from getting bored and looking elsewhere. The truth is this is a gross oversimplification. Sometimes people just aren't a fit together no matter what a man does to try to keep it exciting. I agree with the other posters that she is depressed and is blaming you for that. In truth, this is a HER problem, not a you problem. The writing is on the wall and you are burying your head in the sand and sticking around. Do yourself a favor and exit.

Accept that the transition may not be easy. Also understand that it is temporary, and life always works itself out so long as you are doing what you need to do. Cut ties and look forward to a fresh start. You will be glad you did.

 

[CornbreadFed]

i want to mention here that since the beginning when we met she never initiated sex i always did, which is fine with me but when i did she was into it. Some chicks are like that from my experience all though i like a woman initiating as well.

Major red flag here. She didn’t see you as high value from the start and likely “settled” for you because you were her best option at the time. A woman’s interest in you will always have a ceiling, so start packing your bags on this one.

 

[SW15]

start packing your bags on this one.

That's what I recommended as the likely outcome on Page 1 for @Learning Curve .

She didn’t see you as high value from the start and likely “settled” for you because you were her best option at the time.

Many women do this in their relationship lives. They ended up settling for someone vs. being alone. The one they end up settling for is usually a beta male. In a short to medium term, they can be happy in this arrangement. After some amount of time, they grow unhappy in the arrangement with a committed beta.

@Learning Curve is fortunate this happened sooner than later. For many men, this happens after a wedding day and with children in the picture.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I think he should approach it the way @Divorced w 3 presented it in both posts, and while doing so somehow convey the message, not in a caveman-like, heavy handed way, but covertly and assertively, that if she's not willing or desirous of meeting him half way in resolving, he WILL walk away.

She may have taken for granted that @Learning Curve will stick around no matter what (kiss of death in a LTR in my experience), and often times for a woman, the fear of losing him can reignite the spark and her primal desire for him.

IMO (as a woman), she should always have a bit of fear she could lose him. Keeps things fresh and exciting in the bedroom and elsewhere... Never allow complacency to seep in, like I said kiss of death!

For a man too. Learn to embrace fear, fear can be your friend and bring you closer together if channeled properly.

I speak from experience.

In Buddhist philosophy, judgement is derived from fear, which is derived from a belief of a lack of connectedness. I am not advocating fear or assertiveness, threats or clinging to his will in any sort of way. It will simply cause more suffering. I am suggesting that he operate from his heart and connect with hers. He can tell her with love and compassion that he feels a distance and cares about her, for instance. He can also lovingly stay silent until he’s speaking from his heart both for her wellbeing and for his.

 

[Sega Genesis]

In Buddhist philosophy, judgement is derived from fear, which is derived from a belief of a lack of connectedness. I am not advocating fear or assertiveness, threats or clinging to his will in any sort of way. It will simply cause more suffering. I am suggesting that he operate from his heart and connect with hers. He can tell her with love and compassion that he feels a distance and cares about her, for instance. He can also lovingly stay silent until he’s speaking from his heart both for her wellbeing and for his.

What you suggest Dw3 sounds quite evolved, loving and compassionate as you posted.

Just not sure how effective it would be when one's partner has completely shut down emotionally/physically (for months) and makes no effort to even meet you halfway towards resolution?

But it's certainly something to consider, for sure.

Re fear, uncertainty and distance, personally I don't fear these things and use them to my advantage to push me forward and even inspire me sometimes but that may be for a different thread!

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

I hit the gym 4 times a week.

i study, read books, and financially im doing well ahead the curve.

im already fully occupied, she is not. She is at home also working from home and she finds nothing interesting.

its work-netflix-sleep for her.

i told her to fill up her time with activities to essentially free up space from one another but she says she will and she never does.

it sounds like hormonally she is not very healthy, like maybe too stagnant of a life. I recently did a job at a house where this couple lived and worked together (both has IT jobs and worked in the same room/office) and the place reeked of dead bedroom. Is she doing things to enter a more hormonally healthy state or is she too stagnant? Sounds like you're okay (4 workouts a week)...

 

[Divorced w 3]

Just not sure how effective it would be when one's partner has completely shut down emotionally/physically (for months) and makes no effort to even meet you halfway towards resolution?

If she is emotionally and physically shut down, perhaps she needs help. What greater gesture could one offer another than compassionate support? The relationship can help him find himself by finding in his heart the way to connect to hers.

 

[Sega Genesis]

If she is emotionally and physically shut down, perhaps she needs help. What greater gesture could one offer another than compassionate support? The relationship can help him find himself by finding in his heart the way to connect to hers.

I'm gonna have to disagree.

Are you familiar with the "Law of Detachment" and the concept of "Detaching with Love"?

Below is an informative article for anyone who is interested. There are many others, I found this one particularly valuable.

Blog: The Pleasures of Detachment — Vicki Botnick, LMFT

Vicki Botnick is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in anxiety therapy, child therapy, teen therapy, grief and loss therapy, multicultural couples therapy, perfectionism therapy, couples therapy and trauma therapy in Los Angeles, West Hills and Tarzana, California.

www.vickibotnick.com

 

[Divorced w 3]

I'm gonna have to disagree.

Are you familiar with the "Law of Detachment" and the concept of "Detaching with Love"?

Below is an informative article for anyone who is interested. There are many others, I found this one particularly valuable.

Blog: The Pleasures of Detachment — Vicki Botnick, LMFT

Vicki Botnick is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in anxiety therapy, child therapy, teen therapy, grief and loss therapy, multicultural couples therapy, perfectionism therapy, couples therapy and trauma therapy in Los Angeles, West Hills and Tarzana, California.

www.vickibotnick.com

To be honest I was out west for a week climbing in Joshua tree and hanging out on the pacific coast and have not been following the thread much lately. I was speaking more out of principle than directly to the current situation. If he feels he put in everything he could then wisdom would guide him forward as it always should.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I hit the gym 4 times a week.

i study, read books, and financially im doing well ahead the curve.

im already fully occupied, she is not. She is at home also working from home and she finds nothing interesting.

its work-netflix-sleep for her.

i told her to fill up her time with activities to essentially free up space from one another but she says she will and she never does.

And yet she still just isn't interested enough in you and would rather "do nothing" as you put it.

See, none of these things matter on their own to a particular woman.

The reason this is talked about frequently is to give yourself the best odds of attracting women to you.

However, once they are with you, this rarely is going to be what makes them stay or not stay, remain attracted or not attracted, want to fvck you or not fvck you.

It's all those other things that are involved in interaction with a person that cause those things and either she wasn't that interested to begin with or you caused her interest to drop over time by not doing well in those interactions repeatedly.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

This woman sounds legit depressed. And frankly, you aren't married to her, you share no children together, and it is negatively impacting you. I didn't read through the entirety of the thread but I hope that, like you were advised at the beginning of it, you have decided to exit and move on.

 

[Roober]

Here’s a few tips I use to keep my 7 year relationship begging me for sex daily

1. Good d1ck game - I put this first because it’s where many men fail. Theres a lot to it, so I won’t dive in to it too much. It also fixes most of other problems. When’s she’s mad, give her the D. When she’s sad, give her the D. When she’s distant, give her the D.

2. Task her - go read Pimpology by Pimpin Ken. “A 304 without instruction is destined for destruction”. Another point I’m not going to elaborate on too much. But in its simplest form… Task her, reward her with the D (see point 1)

3. Flirt all day every day - I make my girl think about sex all the time. This can be done by slapping her ass, pinch her nipple, playing with her earlobes, or anything else.

4. Treat her like your little sister - be playful, have fun, joke around, be goofy, and most importantly… be unpredictable. I prank the crap out of my girl because it fits with my personality. Do what fits best with your personality.

Your job, fitness, and money (you’re broke btw) mean squat. You will lose all day to the fun loser with solid d1ck game.

 

[Gamisch]

Update?

Again such an quite intensive thread with a serious problem that dies because there's no update.

And I GET THAT. Yes fellas, 99% of the time men will just "let it all slide" and continue the relationship. Been there done that.

The advice given ( to dump her due to the lack of affection/ sex) is perhaps a tad too radical.