Chick withholding sex- need some perspective

[penkitten]

NEXT!!!!!!!
what more shall i say?

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Mr. Fingers, I can totally understand where the girl is coming from. She's learning. She's growing! Everyone has the right to do that. Hopefully she finds out what she wants in life. STR8UP isn't going to witness her growth at his expense though. He wants sex, she wants more. They were both honest with each other. What more could you ask for? Now they both know where each other stand!

It might be one thing, if STR8 went the route of being ****y/funny "oh I don't want you for sex silly! lalalalalalwwwlalalaww" but it's fluff. It doesn't bring the issues to light.

Living with some one is like the internet - serious business. It's a bit life changing. He doesn't need to be taking in my opinion a dumb risk.

Pen is right. NEXT!

 

[Señor Fingers]

Living with some one is like the internet - serious business. It's a bit life changing. He doesn't need to be taking in my opinion a dumb risk.

You are right TM.. I totally glossed over this on first read.

I have known that she wants a relationship for a long time, and although I know that we would probably never work out long term, I have entertained the possibility of getting together with her.

Two people + Different Goals = :crazy:

I think ultimately STR8UP was right to blow her off, but I don't think the chick was BSing or trying to play him out like he imagined.

 

[STR8UP]

Who said I'm going to be living with her?

Hearing all of these great replies I'm really on the fence about this right now.

To be honest I am tempted to apologize for the way I came off to her. Not apologizing for my feelings, but the fact that I probably should have handled it differently. I almost feel guilty that I basically told her that this was all a bunch of BS, because even if it IS, which at least a good portion of it is, in her eyes she will never be able to see that and to OVERTLY call her out.....I should have known that it would never get me anywhere.

It's kind of like when a chick pisses you off for whatever reason. Unless it's a BIG DEAL you are better off letting it roll off your back cause no matter what the reason the chick will NEVER be able to see that what she did was wrong, and it will only serve to lower her interest by getting into a tussle over it.

On the other hand, I know there is always something to what your gut is telling you, and since I was (hopefully) following my gut instinct on this, if I try to back track even just a little bit, if I was following the right path in the first place it's only going to come back to bite me in the ass if I apologize for ANYTHING.

I'm having a hard time figuring out which side is the DJ talking here....is it the side that says that I need to clarify myself and clear the air on this? Or is it the side that says to stick to my guns?

I just get the feeling that although I can see at least some of where she is coming from, I doubt that she will ever see where I am coming from, which makes me want to try to clear this up. I know I can talk my way out of at least some of the damage, but is it the right thing to do?

 

[cordoncordon]

I think in this case your gut has taken too many punches lately and it is wrong!

I would say to her what I talked about earlier. If she wants to still come and visit..cool, and tell her that you were wrong to demand sex as a prerequisite for a visit from her. And if she doesn't come...oh well.

You can still be friends and talk now and again.

 

[KontrollerX]

"I just get the feeling that although I can see at least some of where she is coming from, I doubt that she will ever see where I am coming from, which makes me want to try to clear this up. I know I can talk my way out of at least some of the damage, but is it the right thing to do?"

No, she's not going to be greatful and in her mind you will come across as even more of an assh0le and in the wrong. Your explaining things to her will only knock her out of any potential thinking on her part that maybe what she proposed to you was wrong of her. Wrong to put you on the spot like that. Wrong to dictate to you whats going to happen. She'll feel vindicated and have an aha moment. See Str8up was just in a foul mood and what I proposed to him was ok.

That said after reading over Mr. Fingerz post up top I think he has a point about one thing.

If you responded to her by seeming angry or hostile Str8up or just largely affected then yeah I can see fingz point that this isn't a DJ action ie DJ's don't let chick bullsh!t get to them or at least they don't show their anger to a chick in this situation.

Thing is though even if you'd been gentle and joking to her about the no sex thing and found some smooth way to change your mind and not let her come over. No matter how you worded it she would of still thought you to be an assh0le to not let her come over.

Again I have to say unwinnable situation.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Ok let's clear something up then, STR8

Is she planning on living with you? Staying with you?


How long is she staying with you? A day? A week?

 

[ketostix]

Here's the way I see it (and I'm assuming that she is interested in a relationship, although this has no real bearing either way really):

Worst case scenario she meant no sex and was going to hold to that. So calling her out is effectively nexting her but also doing it in a way that burns a bridge. It might make her hesitate to say "no sex" again to the next guy, but how does that help you?

In the other scenario, she was saying one thing (No sex) but would end up doing another (sex). This is what I believe is the case. So calling her out was a next, burning a bridge and caused you to miss out on the sex which is what you wanted in the first place. In other words had you not called her out you would've got what you wanted.

Either way I don't see how it was to your benefit Str8up.

Str8up, I'm confused on whether you and her did end up meeting that night.

I also don't think you should apologize. I mean that would be giving up power and control in my opinion.Now you might want to do some smoothing over, but I'm not sure bringing up a sore subject with her and then apologizing would be the best route. I'm interested in seeing what others take on that is.

 

[STR8UP]

She would be staying for a night, maybe two.

I think my best course of action might be to "clarify" without admitting fault.

I mean, no matter what I'm not gonna apologize for calling something as I see it, however, in the name of keeping peace I am willing to bend a little and make her understand a little bit where I'm coming from.

And the thing is, I really WOULD like to clear it up a bit if possible. I came off like all i wanted was sex, when in reality my reaction was based in part upon her "freezing me out" since we started talking about her moving here and such. I know she wants a relationship with me, but the way she has been carrying herself around me has been a turnoff. To go from the way she was in the past to the way she is now, basically back then her showing signs of SUPER high interest (which she still does, to an extent) to holding back....that's really what set this whole thing off.

Hmmmm...what to do....what to do....

 

[MacAvoy]

Whatever you do, don't do it over MSN again.

 

[STR8UP]

Str8up, I'm confused on whether you and her did end up meeting that night.

Yea, we all went out, and that was another part of what kind of set this off. She got a little upset that another girl I know (who I dated her best friend in the past) showed up. I let her have her space and chatted with the other girl for awhile, then when I went over to her she was all up on me asking "Why is SHE here?"

So she's grinding her ass into me making me hard as a rock, then the carpool is ready to leave and she cuts out like a puff of smoke. She could have stayed at my place, but she just hauled ass.

I dunno, I think I'm gonna forget about this for right now and just wait till she contacts me. I'm sure she will eventually. Then I'll just play it by ear.

 

[drmeathead]

So this chick who you supposedly care about, and have been intimate with before, tells you in no uncertain terms she doesn't want sex, BEFORE she even gets in your bed, and she even goes on to explains herself:



And in turn you:


And you wonder why:




Some of you take things WAY to seriously here, not every word out of a chicks mouth is lies and games. And yes, maybe you can change her mind, but it sounded to me like she was certainly not bullsh!tting you when she said no sex. And I doubt you'd be changing her mind now.

normally i dont jump on or approve of the your a female iqqi so you are giving typical female answers but on this i feel as though you are. while it is your right to do so it is mine to call it as i see it too.



i see your advice as taking the female side and not selling this girl down the river as you should. this young woman has lost interest here for some reason. perhaps in men in general after the relationship. perhaps she is looking elsewhere. best advice i ever read on here: she may not be ****ing you, she may not be ****ing me, but she is ****ing somebody. (i ve added) and let that somebody help her deal with her issues and hear about her day.

 

[iqqi]

normally i dont jump on or approve of the your a female iqqi so you are giving typical female answers but on this i feel as though you are. while it is your right to do so it is mine to call it as i see it too.

i see your advice as taking the female side and not selling this girl down the river as you should. this young woman has lost interest here for some reason. perhaps in men in general after the relationship. perhaps she is looking elsewhere. best advice i ever read on here: she may not be ****ing you, she may not be ****ing me, but she is ****ing somebody. (i ve added) and let that somebody help her deal with her issues and hear about her day.

Nope, I wasn't just taking her side.

I kept it as simple as possible so STR8UP could see how the girl took it. She told him up front that she didn't want to have sex with him. Then she told him why (which she didn't have to do, and wouldn't have done, if she didn't care about what he thought). This is better than all the other chicks that get into STR8UP's bed, get him hot and bothered, then leave him high and dry. She probably felt she needed to explain that there would be no sex, because they have had sex before, and knew there was a good chance STR8UP would be expecting it. And in her mind, she KNOWS that isn't what she wants right now.

STR8UP in return took that as she was playing games, which is (IMO) paranoid and all the way AFC. Sounds to me like not only was it cool of her to disclose up front something like that, but thoughtful of her to say why. After all, STR8UP is the one who offered her his place to stay at. All he really did here was reinforce the idea that most men expect sex from supposed friendly favors. So of course, now she thinks he is a creep and an @sshole. Just like he himself figured.

Now on the man's side:

There is definately a chance she would change her mind, (be seduced).

But I also think that it would be wrong to expect that. Simply put, STR8UP should not offer his place to a woman, with the intentions that she is going to have sex with him. He should offer his place, only if he means exactly that. If he wants it to be so cut and dry, then he should have said from the get go, "hey suzie Q, you can stay at my place if you sleep with me."

Does that sound tacky? Yeah? Because it is.

If you are going to expect sex from something you give (money dinner place to stay opening a car door conversation whatever), then you might as well stick with escorts, where there are terms and conditions set up front.

Because with regular women, you are going to have to be a little more suave with your intentions and handlings.




BTW, this is actually bullsh!t:

she may not be ****ing you, she may not be ****ing me, but she is ****ing somebody.​

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I'm kind of with Icky on this one. Psh.

 

[cordoncordon]

Iqqi? Getting props on So Suave? What's going on here?

You go girl!

 

[iqqi]

I get mad props. Its just usually undercover. Besides, TM loves me.

 

[STR8UP]

She probably felt she needed to explain that there would be no sex, because they have had sex before, and knew there was a good chance STR8UP would be expecting it. And in her mind, she KNOWS that isn't what she wants right now.

What a load of CRAP.

Want sex, DON'T want sex....WTF??????

It doesn't work that way iqqi.

A woman is either INTO you and wants to bang the hell outa you, or she's NOT into you and simply wants attention, or she's INTO YOU, but for some reason feels as if she has to play games to set things to her advantage.

STR8UP in return took that as she was playing games, which is (IMO) paranoid and all the way AFC. Sounds to me like not only was it cool of her to disclose up front something like that, but thoughtful of her to say why. After all, STR8UP is the one who offered her his place to stay at. All he really did here was reinforce the idea that most men expect sex from supposed friendly favors.

No, STR8UP expects a woman to be a WOMAN and not play the sex card for a childish reason. She's 22. She is an ADULT. Grown people don't play these stupid ass kid games, unless they are trying to gain control of a situation.

But I also think that it would be wrong to expect that. Simply put, STR8UP should not offer his place to a woman, with the intentions that she is going to have sex with him.

I offered my place to be able to spend time with her, and she started making "rules". That's a power play, and I don't bend to a power play. Had she approached me DIFFERENTLY, I might have responded differently. But for her to say point blank "NO SEX" is her laying down the law and that isn't the way a relationship should start, ESPECIALLY when we have been intimate in the past.

He should offer his place, only if he means exactly that. If he wants it to be so cut and dry, then he should have said from the get go, "hey suzie Q, you can stay at my place if you sleep with me."

You know, had she NOT came out and said directly "NO SEX" this might be a different story. But for her to start making rules before we even get together.....I'm not feelin it.

If you are going to expect sex from something you give (money dinner place to stay opening a car door conversation whatever), then you might as well stick with escorts, where there are terms and conditions set up front.

Typical female response.

It isn't about SEX, it's about CONTROL and MANIPULATION.

This is what is impossible for chicks to understand.

Substitute "sex" with anything else. If a woman started making rules about anything else it would be the same story. But you know what? Women CAN'T make demands about anything else because the only bargaining chip they have is a wet hole between their legs.

BTW, this is actually bullsh!t:

she may not be ****ing you, she may not be ****ing me, but she is ****ing somebody.​

Any man who is indeed a MAN knows that this is undeniably TRUE. Women generally DO NOT go for extended periods without being sexually active.

 

[cordoncordon]

What a load of CRAP.

Want sex, DON'T want sex....WTF??????

It doesn't work that way iqqi.

A woman is either INTO you and wants to bang the hell outa you, or she's NOT into you and simply wants attention, or she's INTO YOU, but for some reason feels as if she has to play games to set things to her advantage.

Ah yes back to reality. Order is restored.

 

[iqqi]

What a load of CRAP.

Want sex, DON'T want sex....WTF??????

It doesn't work that way iqqi.

A woman is either INTO you and wants to bang the hell outa you, or she's NOT into you and simply wants attention, or she's INTO YOU, but for some reason feels as if she has to play games to set things to her advantage. ... rant rant rant...

Seems like you have serious power issues, like someone ELSE (a guy) suggested.

Yes, a woman can indeed be into you, and not want to "bang the hell out of" you. And it might not even be games and power plays!

Some women think with their heads and not their... holes (good one, iq, good one!). As another man on the forum already pointed out, some women choose to not have sex based on judgement calls.

I'll leave it at that. I didn't even read your whole reply because it was so "rant"y. Pssht. I don't really care that much, you are the one with the problems.

 

[STR8UP]

Some women think with their heads and not their... holes (good one, iq, good one!).

"Thinking with their heads"....lol