BPD ex, had rebound, how to proceed

Adrian26

New Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2020
Messages
1
Reaction score
0
Age
26
Dear Don Juans,

I am new here. For a forum about seduction I found surprising amounts of insights and experience which Id love to benefit from.

This article was posted a few times here and describes the situation: https://sharischreiber.com/havent-we-met-before/

It states Borderliners and narcissists attract eachother and end in a destructive pushpull dance.
I mostly fit the narcissist bill. Due to family traumas I was emotionally walled off for years and never really built an identity. This had its uses: I felt no insecurity and could appear confident, uncaring, leading to my good share of hookups, of both genders. I thrived socially and academically. The identity stuff bogged me down in other aspects of life, such as goals and real intimacy. Deep down im much more of a beta than I wanted to admit. Ive been in therapy for a while now.

My ex and I met while I was in relationship with a girl- my 1st serious relationship in 6 years. It ended partially due to my issues. The BPD girl is sexy and intelligent, overly flirtatious with everyone, but it never affected me. After my relationship ended, due to my own issues, the BPD ex and I started a friendship that evolved into dating. I think we were attracted to the mutual lack of emotional availability. Important note: my BPD ex is in therapy and open about her diagnosis.

It started off as always: lovebombing, complimenting my personality traits, trusting me immensely with her issues: being severly bullied, showing the cut marks. It made me feel special. I told her I didn't want a new relationship but focus on my process and experiment. I was scared of hurting her. Yet she was so open and unique and valued me, I was reluctant to let go. She broke down my defenses rapidly. She got herself a side-girlfriend to fend off the uncertainty, and we ended up in a 6 months long (destructive) dance/romance.

Bulletpoints:
- her agreeing to date despite the risks and uncertainties
- her kissing another guy while we were on a double date- to provoke/sabotage us due to uncertainty
- her repeatedly stating she wasn't sure to commit either
- me not wanting to commit in name but being fully monogamous, her flirtily txting the biggest ****boy in history in front of my face in response.
- a big fight over the broken trust
- her distancing herself for weeks, breaking off contact suddenly
- her coming back
- suddenly breaking up when I wanted to experiment, despite saying she was ok with my process and she had a girl of her own
- me devastated having lost both my partner and support
- her having rebounds very quickly, even a 3some with a mutual female friend
- her love and compliments evaporated within a week: I heard I was a mess and that it was all my fault. I think she started a smear campaign as well
- her dating romantically within weeks

She returned always after a few weeks. At first just for sex- she had a rebound but would often lie to him to have **** sex with me ( I saw the texts ). When I got hurt about the lack of contact in between sexdates, she would run away again. This time she secretly contacted my previous ex to lay all the errors in our relationship at my feet, and said no one could make me happy since I was broken.
This part hurt the most yet helped me realize she was partially right. I had been honest with my issues but she rarely communicated the burden it was for her. I believed her words instead of considering the burden. Nevertheless, her own faults were ignored: not confronting her issues, lying, provoking, making empty promises, flirting/sleeping around. The next weeks she would call me 5 times at night crying but never wanted to talk: just point out we weren't good for each other, then block.
In November she came back, admitting she had serious feelings and had dumped her rebound, who'd only been a distraction. I remained wary, wanted to talk about all that had happened, was sceptical of her being monogamous this time and not running away. She dodged every attempt to talk about it, but showed me proof she had dumped her rebound. They stayed 'friends', despite him having feelings for her. She was never honest to him that she was dating someone else, keeping him close. When I pressed our issues she wanted another weekend to 'think things over' about us. That was my final straw, I ended it, not wanting the torment of another weekend of uncertainty or 4th recycle. With her trust and lovebombing she had eroded my walls immensely, and there was little left of my previously walled off confident persona. Which was good but still painful. I told her regretfully I couldn't be a toy to her whims and said I had different standards of a relationship. She blocked me.

I left voicemails asking to either close things off amically or talk about our issues instead of dodging them. I really wanted to be with her- but maybe I mostly wanted to be with the person she had shown during our honeymoon phase, a fake mirror of my needs. She declined, often hatefully. Once she would call me drunkenly at night. At this point, my therapy has made huge progress, finding the cores of my issues and I can experience many more feelings and certainty. I slept around a bit to confirm my sexuality (straight), but daily I thought of her. For 9 months, I had been with no one but her, despite her having a girl on the side (which I thought was fine) but after the breakup she had about 8 people.

The day before a mutual reunion of friends she unblocked and texted me, asking if we could meet before to 'ease her nerves'. I hesitated, since this was again purely for her needs and she'd turned down any attempt of my own for closure or reconciliation. She pulled back her 'offer' and I ranted for 10min about what a selfish, cowardly destructive person she was. She blocked me.

At the reunion the tension was palpable, she avoided my gaze. Had lost weight. At some point I sat her down and tried to talk. She looked like a wounded deer. Her legs were shaking, she could almost not look at me. I offered to bury the hatchet, she agreed and bought me shots. She hovered close, sought eye contact, we made jokes about our angry past. Suddenly she asked if I had sex recently- which I had the night before, for distraction. She broke down and ran away in tears to the train station. I was mortified about both the hypocrisy and the apparent many remaining feelings she still had but had denied. I found her. She told me how much of a hypocrite she was, but how much my ONS hurt. She thought she would never be good enough, especially for me. That even when she was loyal to me like last time, I would find flaws. How much she was bullied and always felt like she was inferior and unworthy of love. Hence all the weight loss since our breakup, and why she could not stand talking and closing it off: nothing she would say would ever suffice. Hence all the times she ran away after fights instead of talking it out, or how much she needed quick validation through quick rebounds or promiscuity, hence the lies and the promises to help me stay around despite dealing so badly with the possibility of us not working out. Hence the immense academic achievements, overt sensuality and emotional masks. She hates herself and is always looking for external validation.
Honestly guys, for months I felt like she was either consciously manipulative or just very selfish. But these emotions were raw and pure and showed her immense traumas. This does not condone her behaviour, but explains it.

Naturally we ended up cuddling, kissing and sleeping together. I felt no more anger, everything suddenly fit together. She said the blocking isnt out of spite but because our magnetism always pulls her back in, and she's sure were just gonna hurt each other. She does not want a relationship because I require too much validation and she needs a partner who makes her feel good about herself. I didn't want to hurry a romance or any at all, was just happy to finally understand her.
She was emotionally overwhelmed the next day and distant. She unblocked me, sent some dinner pics, and blocked me again after I replied. I expected it. Tried calling her two days later, was unblocked, I told her that her newfound vulnerability explained a lot to me and that I wanted to use that knowledge to end our endless cycle of action reaction, pushpull and anger. Offered to just have a few coffees over the next months, to cherish our new understanding with stability. No pressure on dating or romance- we had both been with other people, there was no rush. She asked if I could do coffee the day after. Called me at night because she was anxious what I meant with that coffee. To calm her fears I thought, I just restated my very neutral intentions.
The morning after she sent a voicenote explaining that it would probably never be just a coffee between us, and that she couldn't allow that level of unrest into her life at this point (her graduating and finding a job). She blocked me. I called and told her I was okay with that, but reminded her that circumstances had changed: I was certain about my wants and needs now and also had insight and empathy for what makes her tick. She would think about it. At this point all communication channels are blocked by her, it's been two days.

I wonder what you guys think? I'm ambivalent. I feel all this new knowledge about each other and ourselves would have given our romance much more perspective, and could still do so now. Maybe too much damage has been done.
I also don't know whether I should use the new knowledge to try and be patient while blocked, understanding it is not out of maliciousness but anxiety. Or that I should give in to the thought that this is still all very much a game, conscious or not, and things will never change. I want to give kindness and understanding a chance for once, but it's tough.

A long read. Someday I'll write a book about it. Thank you for those who read and respond!
 

Warning!

Do not subscribe to The SoSuave Newsletter unless you are already a chick magnet!

The information in each issue is too powerful for most guys to handle. If you are an ordinary guy, it is not for you. It is meant for the elite few – not the unwashed masses.

image

If you think you can handle it...

If you already have girls calling you at all hours of the day and night, showing up at your door, throwing themselves at you everywhere you go...

Then sign up below.

But if you're just an average Joe, an ordinary guy, no one special – and wish to continue being so – then skip this. It's too much power for you.

gettinit

Don Juan
Joined
Sep 6, 2017
Messages
114
Reaction score
80
You already did write a book about it.

Honestly, half way through your post, I was expecting something along the lines of "This is not good for me so I'm out for good". Mental issues are not something that YOU can fix, it sounds like you have your own issues to work through and she isn't your responsibility. Be honest with yourself that there isn't going to be a sudden lightning bolt of clarity where you two will live in harmony. The bottom line is to block her, move on with your life and get yourself in order. Avoid her at all costs for a few months since she seems to be your kryptonite. Look at this as a positive. You learned and grew. Take it for what is was and move forward. As hard as it is to envision right now, there will be someone else.

I think that this may help you. There are a quite a few BPD affected brethren there.
The No Contact Challenge

Good Luck
 

Black Widow Void

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Feb 24, 2010
Messages
437
Reaction score
429
Welcome aboard.

What I'll initially say, might sound off topic, but it does tie into your subject and will work itself around.

On this forum (and among friends) I've said that women in the psychology field, seem to be the most ironic (my mother was one and I've dated at least four). These women seemed the most dysfunctional and rather than acknowledge and work on their own problems, they choose to work on others.

After reading your post, I had a new self-awareness; which I'll share because I believe it may also apply to you. Like yourself, I also grew up with a less than a conventional upbringing. It sounds like you've also done a lot of the hard work on yourself... in order to reduce the 'social bumps' 'awkwardness' etc...

Assuming I'm correct... despite the awkward developmental stages, we beat the odds and persevered. You've also probably seen your share of adults that appear beaten down and didn't. And instead of persevering they remind you of your 'former self.'

Sound familiar? From reading your posting, I'm thinking that you can relate, but I'm not certain. Instead of my writing a few more paragraphs (and perhaps being off base) drop me a response. This way, if I'm off base, I've not wasted any additional time and if I'm more on the mark, I'll follow up with additional thoughts on how to proceed.
 

MountainSlide

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 17, 2014
Messages
586
Reaction score
300
This doesn’t sound like a good situation for you. Sounds like you have infatuation, obsessive thoughts, and are ruminating. She will not change man. For her to change would require a huge effort and commitment on her part and one hell of a lot of therapy. She has BPD which a serious mental disorder.

This is a very hard situation for you due to the rumination and intrusive thoughts. Spending a lot of time with and dating a girl who has bpd will make you feel crazy. They’re called crazy makers for a reason. You may start to question whether maybe it’s you who has bpd.

I’ve been down this road already my friend. I had a complete meltdown when we broke up. And it took a long time to get over.

You need to let it go. The relationship will never return to what it was. She is no longer your girlfriend. It doesn’t matter who she’s with or what she’s doing. It's over. The best option is to practice strict no contact. This is an addictive relationship dynamic. But also a very toxic one. And from reading your post it sounds like it’s causing you a lot of psychological harm. No contact bud. Get in the gym. Get your life together.
 

MountainSlide

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 17, 2014
Messages
586
Reaction score
300
Also recommend that you stop researching things with regards to cluster B personality disorders. I assume you are from what you said. I did that too. It makes things worse.
 
Read the 22 Rules for Massive Success with Women. Everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. And it's free!

xplt

Don Juan
Joined
Apr 16, 2019
Messages
165
Reaction score
132
Also recommend that you stop researching things with regards to cluster B personality disorders. I assume you are from what you said. I did that too. It makes things worse.
Researching played a huge role in my recovery. Understanding what happened and why was important for me. But I came to a point where I stopped to read about it, because I was replaying some situations in my mind over and over and it made me feel stuck.

Go NC and when when you start craving and obsessing over her, remind yourself of the drama and pain she put you through.
 

bcude

Don Juan
Joined
May 31, 2019
Messages
195
Reaction score
208
Age
37
On this forum (and among friends) I've said that women in the psychology field, seem to be the most ironic (my mother was one and I've dated at least four). These women seemed the most dysfunctional and rather than acknowledge and work on their own problems, they choose to work on others.
I have exactly the same experience here. My mother is an example and dated one like this, so i'm 100%. You would think they choose it for self therapy but their problems are never solved somehow, strange...
 

Focal core

Master Don Juan
Joined
Dec 21, 2017
Messages
710
Reaction score
454
Age
39
A perfect fit of bpd narc relationships. First i congratulate you being able to recognize the condition that you have and taking action on it seeing therapists etc, rarely does personality disordered, person truly heal from their deep seated traumas, the big reason is most will flee after they feel better in the therapy and never complete their journey of healing. Its temporary and often the conditions will come back and its vicious cycle, youre not bad as an APD would be.. Only an APD would be a truly match for a bpd girl, say joker and his queen harley quiin. If you only an npd i say you have no chances..

Narcissist's grandiosity works against you in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchable need to win, due to poor self-worth you endured and tried to compensate for since early childhood. You won't let yourself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than you are.

I wish you good luck on your healing journey.
 

MrWood

Master Don Juan
Joined
Mar 15, 2016
Messages
1,393
Reaction score
808
Age
53
Location
Scandinavia
When I got hurt about the lack of contact in between sexdates, she would run away again.
I find this to be profound

most women run when they discover they can hurt you... you are a big man, she is a small woman
a man is the ROCK, her ROCK...

when he crumbles due to her actions, she runs away because HER ROCK CRUMBLED from her actions and that scares her.

now, im not saying her actions were good or bad, cheating etc... but it was a big sh!t test and you failed.
 
Last edited:

MountainSlide

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 17, 2014
Messages
586
Reaction score
300
Researching played a huge role in my recovery. Understanding what happened and why was important for me. But I came to a point where I stopped to read about it, because I was replaying some situations in my mind over and over and it made me feel stuck.

Go NC and when when you start craving and obsessing over her, remind yourself of the drama and pain she put you through.
You research it so you know what’s going on but at some point you have to stop doing that and focus on solutions
 
Read the 22 Rules for Massive Success with Women. Everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. And it's free!

Spaz

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 14, 2018
Messages
7,366
Reaction score
5,851
Location
Somewhere where's it's none of your business
I'm perplexed with how easy it is for some of you guys to meet BPD women, much less being in a relationship with one.

I've honestly never met one, not even once in my life and I've been almost everywhere through work.

But not in America.

So I'm really curious...

Is there some kind of disease that's only afflicting American women thus ruining American male's but not the rest of the world?
 

MountainSlide

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 17, 2014
Messages
586
Reaction score
300
I'm perplexed with how easy it is for some of you guys to meet BPD women, much less being in a relationship with one.

I've honestly never met one, not even once in my life and I've been almost everywhere through work.

But not in America.

So I'm really curious...

Is there some kind of disease that's only afflicting American women thus ruining American male's but not the rest of the world?
I don’t live in America. To the best of my knowledge I’ve only dated one lol. I believe that if you’re hanging around a more trashy type of girl, the likelihood of you running into one increases significantly. But at the end of the day, it’s a mental illness/disorder caused by traumatic childhood experiences. That being said, I would question if you even know what the disorder is, because if you don’t, then it’d be impossible for you to identify one if you met her. And even if she has some of the traits, that doesn’t mean she’s diagnosable as bpd
 

bcude

Don Juan
Joined
May 31, 2019
Messages
195
Reaction score
208
Age
37
I'm perplexed with how easy it is for some of you guys to meet BPD women, much less being in a relationship with one.

I've honestly never met one, not even once in my life and I've been almost everywhere through work.

But not in America.

So I'm really curious...

Is there some kind of disease that's only afflicting American women thus ruining American male's but not the rest of the world?
To be fair i think alot of these BPDs in general are not really diagnosed as BPD, it's just easy to throw them into that category when you write a post about a "crazy" woman on a forum like this. The real number of BPDs are much lower i'm sure. With all respect to OP.
 

MountainSlide

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 17, 2014
Messages
586
Reaction score
300
To be fair i think alot of these BPDs in general are not really diagnosed as BPD, it's just easy to throw them into that category when you write a post about a "crazy" woman on a forum like this. The real number of BPDs are much lower i'm sure. With all respect to OP.
Yes. A lot of women are crazy b!tches. That doesn’t make them bpd though. BPD is some next level shyt.
 

Spaz

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 14, 2018
Messages
7,366
Reaction score
5,851
Location
Somewhere where's it's none of your business
I don’t live in America. To the best of my knowledge I’ve only dated one lol. I believe that if you’re hanging around a more trashy type of girl, the likelihood of you running into one increases significantly. But at the end of the day, it’s a mental illness/disorder caused by traumatic childhood experiences. That being said, I would question if you even know what the disorder is, because if you don’t, then it’d be impossible for you to identify one if you met her. And even if she has some of the traits, that doesn’t mean she’s diagnosable as bpd

To be fair i think alot of these BPDs in general are not really diagnosed as BPD, it's just easy to throw them into that category when you write a post about a "crazy" woman on a forum like this. The real number of BPDs are much lower i'm sure. With all respect to OP.
Sounds to me like a big strong man is being continously bullied by a small weak woman...is he even considered a man?
 
Read the 22 Rules for Massive Success with Women. Everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. And it's free!

MountainSlide

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 17, 2014
Messages
586
Reaction score
300
Sounds to me like a big strong man is being continously bullied by a small weak woman...is he even considered a man?
What are you going to do with all that strength, punch her out :rofl:?? No but seriously. Its the power of the pu$$y dude. as long as a person can maintain frame, they’ll never get sucked in by a bpd chick. So to answer your question: physiologically he is considered a man. But he has switched into the girls frame, so psychologically and emotionally he is feminine.
 

Black Widow Void

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Feb 24, 2010
Messages
437
Reaction score
429
Have you noticed that the OP hasn't responded (and only made one posting) ?

This is actually a common occurrence with those involved with a BPD girl.
I'm betting that since his posting, things are now (so-called) "good" and he believes that his problems are over.
Unfortunately, we know that it won't last and that he'll eventually be back.
Men involved with BPD girls (speaking from personal experience and observation) are easy to predict.
I wish that women were this predictable.
 

Spaz

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 14, 2018
Messages
7,366
Reaction score
5,851
Location
Somewhere where's it's none of your business
What are you going to do with all that strength, punch her out :rofl:?? No but seriously. Its the power of the pu$$y dude. as long as a person can maintain frame, they’ll never get sucked in by a bpd chick. So to answer your question: physiologically he is considered a man. But he has switched into the girls frame, so psychologically and emotionally he is feminine.
Hoh! no wonder I've never met these BPD women despite fvcking around in so many countries.

So the actual problem is that OP is feminine - both psychologically and emotionally.

The much needed polarity has disappeared.

And since nature made women to subconsciously follow/mirror men's lead, to counter or to balance it, she has to turn herself more masculine, no?

No wonder women are turning into nutjobs...
 

MountainSlide

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 17, 2014
Messages
586
Reaction score
300
Hoh! no wonder I've never met these BPD women despite fvcking around in so many countries.

So the actual problem is that OP is feminine - both psychologically and emotionally.

The much needed polarity has disappeared.

And since nature made women to subconsciously follow/mirror men's lead, to counter or to balance it, she has to turn herself more masculine, no?

No wonder women are turning into nutjobs...
Quit being a troll. Based on what op said, it sounds like she indeed is BPD. Which isn’t a reaction to the relationship but childhood trauma. After he switched frame is when she discarded him. As per natural polarity would dictate.
 

Epic Days

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
1,868
Reaction score
1,589
Age
35
I'm perplexed with how easy it is for some of you guys to meet BPD women, much less being in a relationship with one.

I've honestly never met one, not even once in my life and I've been almost everywhere through work.

But not in America.

So I'm really curious...

Is there some kind of disease that's only afflicting American women thus ruining American male's but not the rest of the world?
Nope. They believe these things because the American psychiatric association promotes it.
 
Top