Banging my head....

Heretolearn

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thank you!

I have really focused on myself these past months. ESPECIALLY why I:

1) held onto something (girl)
2) would not let something go
3) Thought I really held onto something/had something in the first place when it was just in my head

There is so much within me that I do not know. It is truly amazing when you take time out to study yourself and get to know yourself.

It is amazing WHAT you put yourself through in this life and WHY.


I got to a point last week where I thought - wow, I made it- wonderful!

However, I now realise that was just me trying to trick myself out of the short term pain.

I have a LOT to do and it is not a straight journey. There are many trips around and about to (such as regressing).

It is truly a gift to see what you can do with your TIME in this world :)
 

TheTrimReaper

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Hey Everyone,

Today is Christmas Eve, and I'm not doing too bad. Wednesday was hard because it was Sunshine's birthday. I kept thinking about it even though I was trying not to. I've been anxious with the upcoming Christmas because Thanksgiving was so tough. But I think the Meds were the way to go. I still have thoughts of abandonement, but I no longer have the huge emotional reaction I had before.

I'm not going to go out with the Brazilian girl anymore. She was just annoying. I brought up the things I'm into, which I guess some would consider 'intellectual', and her face was just blank. It's not that she couldn't understand what I was saying to her. It was as if there was absolutely no interest in what I was saying. If interest is that low, then why would I be interested in her?

I've actually been doing a bunch of things with the unattractive girl. She is really unattractive to me, but I have the best time with her. We never really talk about anything serious, and when we have touched on serious stuff, it wasn't hard to talk about at all. I am myself around her, and that feels good.

Last night, I went to a bar with the unattractive girl. I saw all of these pretty girls all over. I wanted to touch them, and make love to them. But then I thought about how this girl was talking to me. She was interested in me. And I actually enjoy spending time with her and talking to her. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO TOUCH HER!!!! I wanted to touch the 22-year-old hotties with the tight shirts and long hair.

I have a dilemma right now. I want to start trying to get some fast sex from young, beautiful drunk girls. But I also want a fulfilling relationship. This whole ex thing has f*cked with me so much, I'm tired of wanting what I had wanted with her. I want it all at this point. I'm feeling justifiably selfish.

I miss the Energy Ball. She was very special to me. I have never made a friend so quickly. And she has been emailing me from Moscow regularly. Long emails too...... I want to keep in contact with her, but I'm hesitant.

Oh well, life is settling down a little more for me, which is a good thing. I let my ex mess up my life, and that was my fault. It's a great challenge to have someone urge you to commit, then you commit, then they leave you.... That I'm scared of letting that happen again should be understandable to most of you.

But I have to be tough....
 

Heretolearn

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I look forward to when you post happiness.

It will happen.

Send me a pm too to make sure I read the good news!
 

iqqi

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i just spent like 2 hours reading this whole sobfest. (just sayin').

here are some thoughts.

1. you seem to keep going to the bookstore you met your ex at. are you hoping to meet her all over again?

2. you want us to refer to her as sunshine? am i getting this correctly? unless that is her real name, you are just going to keep fvcking yourself in the head with that symbology. u can think of a more fitting name.

3. you have a cycle of cheating on the good girls, and getting cheated on by the bad ones. i lose a lot of sympathy for you on that one. you can't hold someone else to higher standards than you reach for yourself. if you think it is awful to be cheated on and decieved, then maybe you shouldn't cheat or decieve.

4. the russian powerball fits that model. another cheating situation. maybe a test of karma. i don't think you passed that one with flying colors. but atleast you have learned that you can still feel interest and yearning for another woman. i hope that it wasn't only because she was already married, and you are attracted to nutcases/BPD/narcissitics.

I agree so much with everything joe is saying. he is right on in just about all he has said to you.

you strike me as intelligent and together, but some of the things you have said strike me as selfish and foolish. i think those tendencies landed you smack dab where you are right now, and those tendencies are keeping you there as well. AND those tendencies are going to lead you there again if you don't seriously put some work into yourself and realizing those traits. like i think joe said, you need to stop going to therapy to analyze the BPD ex, and start figuring yourself out. the fact that the therapist hasn't even brought this up to you makes me think she is happy with taking your loot.
 

Immaculate

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Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
Yendor,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. And it sounds like you are doing better yourself. If I might add a few words, it helps to network when you are trying to get dates. Doesn't matter if they are through your negative friends or not. Forget your negative friends if you absolutely have to, but replace them with positive ones. Doesn't necessarily matter if they are married either. Married people have single friends, too. There are lots of opportunities that we just miss out on because we don't see them or we are just too timid to take a chance.

Case in point, I asked Immaculate if he wanted to go out sarging and it turned out this girl he was seeing had a friend. We met up on Friday. I have another date with her tonight. I don't know what's going to happen, but it doesn't matter. If it doesn't work out with her, then there will always be someone else to hit on, tease, flirt with, and try to date.

I always use the hunting analogy. You have to find the place where the prey are, then approach, and then go in for the kill. It all takes intelligence to look for opportunites and emotional resilience to overcome negative feedback.

If girls have boyfriends(or husbands.....ouch) it's a waste of time pursuing. I might sound like a hypocrite here, but my last experience only strengthens this message.

On that note, the Energy Ball messaged me from the airport yesterday. She left. I was upset Sunday night, and most of the day yesterday. I didn't sleep well last night. When we talked on Sunday, I didn't tell her much more than I would miss her. The conversation was light and we said 'goodbye'. She wants to email regularly, but I'm hesitant. This all feels like the Sunshine story once again. And actually, both of these women were blonde/blue and Scandinavian looking. F*cking great huh.......

It turns out the blind date girl from Sunday showed up where we were supposed to meet at 11:30 for a 12:00 meeting. She left when I wasn't there. OK Retard, you are an architect and if you can't tell the time or are so ignorant that you make such a self-deprecating lie, you are not getting a date with me.

I asked the Japanese model out for Friday, but she is going to Atlanta until January 2. She wants to go out when she gets back. Maybe I'll take her out if she's lucky.

I'm feeling tired of women myself. I'm tired of talking to them. I'm tired of wanting to find one I can trust. I almost f*cking hate Sunshine at this moment. When I think about how close I was to her, and to have her gone now, I mentally freak out. I have these thoughts of abandonment. Interestingly, I don't have the emotional reaction anymore though. It must be the Prozac. That's the only thing that could have changed this so quickly.

But I'm still plugging away.

Bottom line: I want to f*ck. I want to have someone to hug and to hug me. But then I want them to leave me the f*ck alone. This doesn't sound like the best situation for a relationship, but I'm looking for takers. I wonder what my therapist will say about that.

Don't worry Trim, We are both going through hell right now.
and I wasn't honest with you before. I messed up with that girl so bad because yes, I did drink before we met up, and I popped a bunch of Xanax. I'm quitting that sh!t right now. That's why I acted so foolishly on the date and then I didn't even remember what I said to that girl. I still can't believe I said that. I never would have done that in my right mind. That's what xanax and booze does to you, makes you completely blackout. If it wasn't for you telling me what I said, I'd have no idea why she lost interest in me.

Then I got the DWI coming home.

Well, maybe we'll try again buddy once we find our way out of hell.

Plus the girl from match admits she only used me for sex and never wants to see me again because if she did it would kill her initiative to find someone "compatible", which she insists we aren't. Even though we have so much in common it blows my mind.

Hell why would I want to get involved with her anyway.
I actually liked her too. First time I have actually felt feelings for a girl in 6 years, and she dropped thst bomb on me.
You would think all the guy cares about is sex, but she actually grew on me with her awesome personality. Never met such a hoebag.

As for that Japanese girl, that was my 5fth date with her, and I had 0 feelings for her. Don't know why. I just wanted to f@ck her I guess. But she always had some lame excuse not to come back to my place. She was just using me and my money to have a good time going out. I'm all about going sarging again man but you'll have to come out to my territory. Maybe we can get some chics back to my place... I do have a sweeet bachelor pad.

SO now I'm at square 0, I had 2 plates spinning, now I have none, a f'ing court date coming up, and looking at jailtime maybe, and def losing my license for a year.

Add to that my f'ing super modded up XBOX broke, and my f'ing toilets are flooding my house, MERRY CHRISTMAS. It's a cold world these days. Nobody cares about anybody else but themselves these days. What in the hell is this world coming too?

Anybody got a shotgun? If it wasn't for my family, I'd be ready to go out Kurt Cobain style right now.
 
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decades

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People this is getting depressing. Its SO simple. You go to the doctor and say Doc it hurts when I do THIS.....Doc says don't do THAT anymore.

Be a humble Buddha. That;s MY new year's resolution.

regards
 

cave dweller

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a year?

Trim,

What are you going to do (a year from now) when she calls and wants to get back together?

Will you say? "Not no, but Hell no!"

or

Will you take the bytch back?

(You need to ask yourself this question)

BTW, she is going to call.............Trust me.........

cave dweller
 

TheTrimReaper

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Cave,

I will never talk to her again. Period. She tried to contact me in November and I didn't respond. Believe me, it was all I thought about for a few weeks. But I overcame it.

The way I feel about her now is that I'm a really lucky person. She is looking for someone like her dad. And although I want to have a family and kids, I want to have a more fulfilling life than that poor bastard does.

I believe in myself again. I'm still on medication and I will be for a while. That has helped me a lot with this. But I have moved on.

Before Christmas, she saw my mom and ignored her. That summed up the type of person she is. Would you want someone like that in your life? I've been hurt, but I'm not an idiot.
 

cave dweller

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a call.....

Trim,

What would you say if she calls you next week and wants to:

1...Just be friends.
2...Maybe see you a couple of times a month as a 'fvck buddy'.

Hey, I am just asking here.....(because, my friend, this could happen)

cave dweller
 

TheTrimReaper

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Cave,

Do you have some kind of freaking special powers? She sent me an email this morning. The first since she sent that one two months ago. Here it is:

I think I left my glasses at your parents' house. I really can't afford a new pair at this point, so if you know where they are, I'd appreciate if you could somehow see that they find their way to my parents' house.

It's apparent you aren't interested in talking right now, but I was thinking of you and hope you and your family have been doing well and had a nice holiday season. I saw your mom at the holiday party at work and she looks healthy and happy. I'm thinking about taking a class at (school) in the spring to get back in the swing of school. My plan to attend grad school in the fall didn't work out, so it'll be another fall from now. I've decided on linguistics rather than international relations, which makes so much more sense but took me a while to figure out. Aside from that, my family is doing as well as ever and I'm doing ok too. It's not easy of course, but I'm doing the best I can.

I hope your (job) stuff is working itself out and I hope you're doing well. You deserve to be happy.

What am I going to do now? Nothing. I'm not going to look for her glasses. I'm not going to talk to her "right now" or ever for that matter. She can get a new pair if she lost them. Can you believe she comes asking me about them three months later? Doesn't make sense.

Anyway, f*ck her.
 

decades

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Trim, there is a word for this its called HOOVERING...its an attempt to suck you back into her world in "some" fashion, not necessarily as bf gf. But in some fashion where she can use you as a hanky or to tell you about how great she is or who she is sleeping with. Because after all it was YOUR fault that things didn't work out.

BE VERY CAREFUL with this. Its DANGEROUS, not to mention cruel. In fact the full ramifications of this contact probably isn't entirely being comprehended by you yet. There is a massive amount of stuff in this email designed to make an IMPACT on you.

I HOPE I am wrong but I have been through it and it "sucks" to get a hoover. :) The best thing to do with these is block but failing that is to IGNORE. They can't deal with indifference. But even a negative response from you to her will invite further intrigue and drama and continued HURT. Good luck and keep posting.

regards
 
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Desdinova

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I'm not going to look for her glasses. I'm not going to talk to her "right now" or ever for that matter. She can get a new pair if she lost them. Can you believe she comes asking me about them three months later? Doesn't make sense.
Women do that for an excuse to come into contact with you. My ex did it to me twice. She called me after she got a statement in the mail about a loan she cosigned for me. She asked me to call her and talk about it. I never called. It was just a statement about how much I still owed.

She called me again asking for a copy of her resume, again requesting that I call her and meet up so I could give it to her. I still had it, so I threw it in an envelope and mailed it to her.

This is why women leave 5hit at their bfs place. They do it so they can get back in contact after a breakup.
 

cave dweller

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smart move....

trim,

Smart move on your part........

She did not loose her fvcking glasses.......

She is trying to put you into her 'fan club'.

cave dweller
 

Sinistar

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Whoa Dude!

We've all been watching this thread. You might call your ex sunshine, I call my evil ex-friend that got wicked on my arse SATAN (okay, I'm laughing bigtime right now). Look for the horns guys, look for the horns :))

Anyway, do you see what just happend?

Several months ago, she robbed your piggybank and took everything (or atleast you felt and thought she took everything). Rather than run to her to get it back, you manned up and started refilling it the hard way. A couple a months ago she wrote you. On that day she handed you back some of your power, you got some of your pennies back.

Now today she did it again. But this time is better. You see, you always had your control but this is a blaring big giveway on her part. That bank of yours is filling up fast now. You have visible, verbal proof.

You could use it to go buy that lollipop (ie you know what I mean) and you'll never get your control back again.

However, you just delete this message, turn a dead mind to her and what it said and you'll keep all that control you always had and you will make a giant leap forward in moving on.

Forget her words for a minute, her actions were to contact you after all this time. What that message really said in giant blaring words is that "YOU ARE AND ALWAYS WERE THE PRIZE".

You knew it all along, she just f'd up and shouted it out loud.

Things are moving your way quickly now my friend. I want to hear about your next sarging experience, I bet you'll roll in and out with mega confidence and perhaps land something you were never expecting.

Days like these just confirm you were right all along. Now ain't that a sweet thing.

You can see a couple of other things.

Think of the timing of the message.

She sent you this dribble now, instead of a Xmas card. That means she was probably spending Xmas with some AFC chump, trying to feel happy when she was regretting leaving you.

Clearly she's trying to initiate both physical and verbal contact. Don't go there dude.

And she's spouting off about her career and school and your career. That means someone else isn't there for emotionally the way you were. HER LOSS.

Finally, she's telling you that you deserve to be happy. I think her guilt is showing through bigtime.

The holidays are over, the real world is settling in for her now. She screwed up and she knows it. Now a real man is going to be apathetic letting her wonder about this for life. You'll be the dude that all her future BF's are competing with.

I bet she sits watching her friggin' email for the next 3 or 4 days waiting for your response. And she knows deep inside you are smiling again, moving on, seeing other chickies and will never answer that message. No answer for her now will drive her nuts.

Perhaps "cave dweller" can predict +/- a day or so when she will get even more desperate and write again!

This is a triumph to your hard work and persistence dude!
 

TheTrimReaper

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I have had a pretty rough day. If you all don't know what I've been up to, let me tell you now.

I got laid on New Year's Eve. I f*cked a girl who was a friend of an ex. I have known her for about 10 years, but never did anything with her. Always thought she was cute though.... Well, after many drinks on New Year's, I'm banging the hell out of this girl with my whiskey d1ck. I took her out again last night on a real date. Didn't end up sleeping with her and was too drunk to drive home from DC, so I slept in my car again. Man that is so lame.... cold....uncomfortable.....dangerous...

I'm still going out with the unattractive girl every four or five days. We have a great time together. Still haven't laid one hand on her. Don't want to.

There are two Russian women I'm in contact with.

"Anna" is this super hot Russian living in Boston. (looks like Sharon Stone) She came down last weekend, called me Friday and told me she'd be here for two weeks. I called her Monday and she was at the airport going home early. She's your typical capricious, beautiful woman.

Energy Ball is in Moscow. She emails me or SMSs me almost every day. Says she didn't know she was going to miss me this much. I tell her I miss her, too because I do. She is a friend definitely.

So about this email today. Funny it comes after the holidays. And I wonder how she was able to see without her glasses for three months.... She also makes plenty of money at the job my mom helped her get. Can't see why she won't go to the mall and drop $150 so I don't have to ever hear from her again.

Indeed Persistent, the wording is very careful. I like the "you don't want to talk right now" line. Like I will want to later....Like I'm not going to follow through doing what I've been doing for three months. She is still stuck in her mindset while I have moved on. I got la1d this weekend for sh1tsakes!!!!

Sinistar, your response made me see something I knew was there, but I just couldn't identify it. I have gotten power back from this.

She can struggle and make mistakes and it can't hurt me anymore. That's all her sh1t. She doesn't know what she is doing or what she has done and she'll never be satisfied. I've moved on and I will never tolerate any form of communication with her. She only brings me down. And the "you deserve to be happy" line pretty much says it all.

I guess I'll start posting regulary for a little while longer. I wasn't planning on it, but after this, I think it might be a good idea.
 

cave dweller

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poker game

Trim,

It is just a poker game.. ie.

1....'Adam' ain't working out.

2....She is scared and alone....(she wants you back)

3.....She is bluffing. (she only holds one pair)

4.....You know whats in her hand...(nothing)

5.....The email was a 'raise'.

Trim, it is you call:

Do you want to see her, fold or bluff?

I say do not fold--------bluff and raise her @ss..

You hold all of the aces.

cave dweller
 

cave dweller

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aces....

Trim,

She is bluffing, you hold all of the aces.

Do you want to?

1....Start back dating?

2....Keep her as a fvck buddy?

3....Forget her and find another?

my 2 cents


cave dweller
 

cave dweller

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btw

trim,

BTW, get rid of Energy Ball........That bytch is married.

Don't waste your time with married women.

my 2 cents

cave dweller
 

TheTrimReaper

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This email came at a lame time. I found out last night that my mom is going to have her colon removed. She has been suffering from Ulcerative Colitis for over a year, and the results of her biological therapy are starting to diminish. She is returning to her low-blood levels and feeling bad again. So she has decided to give in and get the surgery. She will be wearing a Colostomy bag for life.

This is what I obsessed over all this time. This is the first thing that started to bring me down. This was the thing I needed support with. Now it looks like what I didn't want to have happen is going to happen. I hope my mom will be alright with it. I love her a lot.

Cave, I gave up playing the game. I am so dumbfounded and, as a result, scared of this woman. She has absolutely no control over her life, and I can't believe I ever allowed her to be around.

If you read back at the email she sent two months ago to give me my "birthday present", the language sounds the same. It sounds like she is talking to her herself, which for all intents and purposes, she is. Sounds like she could care less about my family.

She ignored my mom at the Christmas party and sends me this email saying "she looks fine". Well, my mom is far the f*ck from fine. She has no idea, and that's better. I don't want her around my mom or my family ever again.
 

cave dweller

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a man

trim,

You are a smart man.

I would say exactly what you said:

"To hell with that stupid bytch."

"My mother needs me and I am going to be there 100% for her."

I hope all goes well.

cave dweller
 
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