Banging my head....

TheTrimReaper

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Persistent,

You might just be right here man. I just got of the phone with her (it's 12 am). I spent three hours with her at lunch today. When we leave, we cross the street and she grabs my hand(I held it for a second, but then remembered she's married) and let it go. I feel like such a b1tch for doing that, but I was closed off. Then she calls me tonight at 11 as usual and we talk for another hour.

She just tells me all of these things that make me feel great. Tonight she was telling me how I'm such a good driver. She said she can tell a lot about a person by the way they drive. And I drive so smooth and safe that she feels like she'd always be safe driving with me.

Like I said, I don't know if it's because she's Russian or if it's because she's speaking ********, but I just don't know how to read her. But after she called me tonight, I'm starting to think she wants it to be on.
 

decades

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its good that she's leaving too because she is moving way to fast (sounds bpd) and the idealization of you are so great sounds bpd...then again she may just want one last fling before leaving and is coming on strong to ensure it. don't get caught up! use this as a potential physical opportunity and nothing more. Stay safe and be careful with your emotions.

good luck

regards
 
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TheTrimReaper

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I'm off work, snow day.

Uuug, I made the mistake of looking at Sunshine's myspace page. That was a huge mistake. Why the f*ck did I do that to myself?!!
I have to eliminate all memories of her, or else I'm never going to be able to move on. I thought I was strong enough, but I wasn't.

I SMSd Energy Ball to tell her how much I slept last night. She replied that I made her day.

Had a talk with my best friend about all of this Energy Ball stuff. He told me to be strong, and to end it. He said that doing sprints really hurts, but you know they are good for you and you do them. I couldn't disagree with that.

But then I look at Sunshine's page. I feel like I'm going to puke. Then I think about the Energy Ball and how she is probably thinking about me right now, and I start to forget about being tough.

I don't know if she is BPD. I really think she just cares about me a lot. She even thinks I should take a bath to soothe myself. So we went to a store and she showed me their bath salts yesterday. Then last night, she asks me "Did you take a bath?" I say "No. I don't know much about bathing to relax. Should the water be hot? How long should the bath be?" (I'm a shower guy and haven't bathed since I was a kid) She replies that she'll look up the best way and talk to me about it today. And she's already super busy getting ready for her party tomorrow.

That's so nice. If Sunshine acted that way, I would have wondered what the hell happened. I didn't realize how little affection I had been getting for so long. I had to get hit by a car for her to give me a hug and wash my wounds.

Energy Ball told me that when she first saw me, it seemed like she had known me for years. And I feel the same way. Some people you just click with and have instant rapport. And that's how it is between us.

Tomorrow is the party and I'm a bit nervous about it. Her friends will be there as well as her husband, who she said she doesn't talk to, but I'm obviously still concerned. I need to do some acting so I don't send off the my actual vibe. Not going is not an option. My buddy suggested I take a girl to throw Energy Ball and everyone else off. But I don't have any female friends. I'm not good at that as you can tell.

Honestly, I don't want her to leave, but I know she is going to. Something I don't want to consider. I'm gonna try to muster up the strength and talk with her about things Sunday after my date with Thoreau.
 

MaddXMan

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You'll be fine, like has been said before it takes time and the ol' rollercoaster you are on has many more loops and drops. I've been there, was with my ex wife 10 years, married for 8. Divorced 3 years ago, she left me. I see her all the time as we have 50/50 custody of our 2 children. She remarried after a year and now her and her husband are miserable. Occassionally she calls me crying about fights they had, and probably thinks I am a good listener because I sit there silent (honestly I don't know what to say). My biggest fear is that she will leave him and then come seek me out, I am totally over her and so don't need the drama of sending her away.

One bit of advise is watch it with the dating so soon - want to quadruple the pain? Get involved in a rebound relationship before you have dealt with the breakup.
 

joekerr31

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madd,

you da man. i love it when guys see the light and want nothing to do with these screwed up chics.

once you truly move on, life gets better.

and these chics always come back around if you left them without giving them all your power - ie. you took it like a man and just moved on.

J
 

TheTrimReaper

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Well, I hope she doesn't come back around Joe. I don't know if I'm strong enough yet to handle things properly.

I'm hungover today. I went out to a club with a couple Latina girls from work(the unattractive one I talked about earlier and her friend, who is alright) I busted on her friend all night. She flirted back, but it was clear she was keeping things open for the unattractive girl.

I wanted to talk to other girls, but anytime I went anywhere, they were watching me. And I didn't want to ruin my rep at work. So I just drank...and drank.

I got drunk and ended up sleeping in my car. I froze my azz off! That's the first time I've had a lot of booze in like five years. I won't be doing that again anytime soon.

I'm about to head out to Energy Ball's party. I'm a bit nervous, but I think my hangover might actually help me be cool.

Energy Ball called me last night and told me she invited a Russian girl to the party. I don't know what the f*ck that means, but we'll see.

We'll gotta run. I'll post more later.
 

TheTrimReaper

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So I went to the party last night.

I was still hungover, so I was pretty laid back. I didn't talk too much.

The first thing that happens when I walk up is Energy Ball comes out of the house quickly, gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Her husband is right behind her, looking right at me. He is this goofy guy who has an effeminate body, posture and gestures.

Anyway, I could see their dynamic and it is one of being friends. They don't look like a couple.

It was the first time I had seen her in a group of people, and let me tell you, she sticks out in a group. She is something special and it's obvious. Her cooking was great. And she is not afraid to say what she wants. At one point, this Italian guy starts talking over her and I blow him out so she can speak. I hope it wasn't obvious I was sticking up for her because everyone was there for it.

There were a couple of uncomfortable moments. When I'm sitting on the couch, she is sitting next to me. Then while she's talking to me, she is looking right into my eyes and doing the "eye scan". You know when a woman looks at one eye, then the other. It's like that look they get before the doggie-dinner-bowl look. Well, luckily something happened to interrupt and end it.

Moment number two came when I was leaving. She was standing next to her husband and asked "Can I call you tomorrow night?" I look at him and he's stone-faced. I say "Yeah...OK." That felt weird.

So I take off and meet with my Aunt afterwards. My Aunt is young and cool. She is in the dating scene, so it's always nice to talk to her. She agrees with my therapist that I need to end it with the Energy Ball, but she knows I'm not going to just walk away. She is happy that there is someone who cares for me so much, and she thinks that if I have to do something, I have to do it. She thinks I should let her know I want more from her if that's how I feel. She just thinks I need to stay in the mindframe that this is just a distraction from Sunshine, which I think is a healthy way of going about things right now.

So I do want more. There is an attraction, and I'm not going to fight it. Energy Ball always tells me to go with the flow, and that is where the flow is headed. If she disagrees, then she is not agreeing with what she always encourages me to do.

I'll admit I have been weird with her the last few days, especially on our lunch Thursday. The reason why is I'm trying to hold in my desire, and that isn't healthy. I'm attracted to this woman, and she is attracted to me. I want to disregard being ****y+funny, being a challenge, being mysterious.... and just go in with guns blazing. There isn't much time left between us, and I'm going to take it to the next level when she calls tonight.

If I crash and burn our relationship, then so be it. I am interested in her, and she is interested in me. I've never met someone like her before, and I'm taking a chance. I don't want to regret not trying.

So Thoreau flaked. Called two hours before the date to cancel. Well, at least I got a call. Next.
 

STR8UP

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Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
I'M HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!!! The ex didn't contact this evening either. I figured this was would be judgment day on whether she contacted or not. So I guess she is definitely done. It puts the email/birthday-present thing into better focus. She sent it purely for herself since, if she really wanted to be sincere, I think she would have tried to contact in a different way at least to say 'Happy Birthday'. Or maybe she is just "respecting my space" still. :crackup: As can be inferred, she's so good at setting herself up for success!
Just popped into this thread and skimmed over it a bit and I have to say that it's funny how similar my situation is to yours.

I turned 34 about a week before you did. I was also thinking I might get a call from the ex, seeing that we had PLANNED to go away together for that weekend. The sh!t hit the fan a few weeks before that so it never happened, but I thought she would at least send me an email wishing me happy b-day. All the better....I didn't need to re-open any kind of communication with her anyways.
 

joekerr31

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Trim, no offense man, but what you are doing is totally uncool.

you're macking on a married woman dude.

bad karma. real bad karma.

J
 

RobLB

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Originally posted by joekerr31
Trim, no offense man, but what you are doing is totally uncool.

you're macking on a married woman dude.

bad karma. real bad karma.

J
I have to agree with this,....I had someone move in on my wife when we were having problems which made it impossible for us to work things out. When guys tell me they are messing around with a married chic I try to persuade them not to...
 

decades

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Make it three. Bad news. Stay away. Men need to be more discriminating and think.

regards
 

TheTrimReaper

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Thanks for all the input fellas. After hearing your opinions and talking to my medical doc (I'm convinced he's the Buddha), I've changed my mind.

I'm not going to do anything with her.

Bottom line is she's married. She is giving me affection, and it feels great, but I must not act on what I feel here. When girls cancel dates on me, she is the one sending me an SMS to tell me I'm good at humming songs(no kidding). When I'm sitting around my house alone all evening, she is the one who breaks the silence with her call. She then goes on to tell me other little nice things about me, like how I'm good driver, or how I cut the meats at her party so nicely..... She flatters me big time, and it gets her everywhere. BUT, I'm tough. I'm NOT going to act on my emotions here.

I'm 34, and I live alone now, in the house I shared with Sunshine for three years. It gets lonely, no matter how many things I plan in my week. I'm alone some nights and it's not easy.

Energy Ball is Wonderwoman and I'm Frankenstein. There is a part of me that wants her around for a while. I hope people can understand where I'm coming from. I think it's pretty obvious if you've followed this thread since October.

She has done a lot to help me. I have the ability to focus on many positives now. But I have to realize that any hopes for anything with her are only a pipe dream, and get on with the big challenges.

Something my doc told me tonight resonated inside me. He told me he met his wife on an elevator after being single for years(after a divorce). He told me his wife asked him,"Why do you love me so much?" He replied,"Because you love me so much."

That's what it's about. Love the people who love you. How many times do you hear about a guy that has to chase a girl on here? It isn't that hard if it's right. If she loves you, then she does. You should love that.

Energy Ball cares about me, and I should care about her, but that's it. I'm going to give her what she gives me, and nothing more.

I have a date tomorrow with the unattractive girl. Bowling. I thought about how nice she has been to me, and figured it would be nice to be with someone who treats me well. I'll friend her, and have my first female friend.
 

TheTrimReaper

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I've had a few bumps in the road, but this week is the one I can say I truly started to feel good. I don't know if it's the meds, the Energy Ball, or anything else. But I'm happy about it.

My mom is retired, but she went back to her job for the Christmas party yesterday. This is the same place where she helped Sunshine get her job. So my mom goes to the party, spends hours there taking part in the gift exchange, talking to friends, and having fun. Sunshine sees her, hears her right next to her cubicle all day, but doesn't say one word to her.

I tell my therapist about it tonight, and she says it was highly inappropriate for her not to acknowledge my mom in person. I reminded her about the birthday gift email, to which my mom didn't respond. But she said it was still a very rude thing of her to do yesterday.

I'm not surprised. Sunshine doesn't care about my family. She doesn't care about anything we had. She cared about herself and it's pretty clear now. Oddly, she told me I only thought about myself when she was ending things.

I'm wondering how I was able to be with this woman for so long without seeing how mean she could be. What was up with me? Did she hide it or was I just ignorant? If I had known how cold she could be, I would have walked the instant I found out. There were probably signs but I think I was always on her side. Note to self: be careful about always being on your wife/fiance/girlfriend's side.

The Energy Ball still messages me and we talk at night. I messaged her I couldn't talk to her last night because of my date, and she replied, " I'm going to miss our nightly "date"." That was nice, but too far in the direction I didn't want to be going now. Regardless, when I was bowling with the unattractive girl, I had the urge to talk to her. It was our normal talking time, so I excused myself and sent her an SMS from the bathroom.

I'm gonna meet up with Immaculate tomorrow night, and get to know this Brazilian chick. Sounds like we are going to have a good time. She sounds fun, and I need a fun woman right now.

I'm into having a good time once again. It's great. I'm actually getting happy now. A month ago, I was still struggling. Now, I'm making jokes, and enjoying myself. Sometimes I make myself laugh with my own thoughts, and it feels like I'm meeting an old friend again, Happy Me.
 
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Immaculate

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Hell yeah! It's 2pm buddy ... The girls didn't flake, they are excited about the date, it's all gonna be good. See ya at the bar pre-date!
 

joekerr31

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your ex couldnt speak to your mom because she knows as much as she may be able to snowball you into thinking you were to blame for things, objective parties aren't going to buy her bullsh*t.

your ex is destined for a life of lies and guilt covered up by the attentions of some AFC.

as for how didn't notice. simple. you were selfish. not selfish in a bad way. you were selfish in the sense that you wanted to be with someone so badly you excuse and turn a blind eye to bad behavior.

im sorry dude, but your ex punched a girl in the face for looking at her oddly in the street. that's grade A prime American woman psycho.

things should never be about sides. if your woman acts crazy and then tests you to see if you take her side.... DONT. women who do this are women who are interested in knowing that you'll be by their side no matter how crazy they act.

judge all situations rationally. if your woman is acting like a nutcase, tell her that you don't think her behavior is appropriate and if she is determined to act in this manner that she can do so away from you. but that as long as she is in your precense you expect that she behavior like a mature grown adult.

J
 

TheTrimReaper

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Everything you say is true Joe. She wants an AFC, and that's not who I am. I am a mature guy with his sh1t pretty together. Sure, my foundation shook when she left my life, but I'm going to get better. She cannot commit to anything, and that's just who she is. That's how her family is, and how she was raised. ALWAYS LOOK AT HER MOTHER FELLAS. Don't waste your time if you don't like what you see because she is going to be that woman. I guarantee that.

This has been an eventful weekend. Met Immaculate on Friday with the Brazilian girls. Yes, his woman is a Japanese Brazilian girl. I didn't think it was possible, but it is true. I met mine. It was alright for a kind of blind date. I got ****y+funny on her. Told her she was difficult. Told her she was tall, and that I don't go for tall girls. Told her she'd make a nice friend again. By the way, SHE called ME today to set up a date. That's always a good sign.

And earlier Friday, Energy Ball stops by my work to give me a book and say "Goodbye". Well, while my boss is watching, she starts crying and we hug a few times. I'm torn up inside. And I'm feeling even worse because I want more from her, but I just can't go there. She says I think this is the last time we are going to see each other, but I knew we were going to do something for her and her husband on Saturday.

However, she and her husband had a little dinner party at their house last night. I had my hands full there. I knew it would be the last time I saw her, so I looked at her as much as I could. A few times we just stared at each other without looking away. I will never forget her eyes, her face, and her long, thin body. She kept asking me if I wanted juice, and her husband kept asking me if I wanted wine. I went for the wine because I wanted to numb myself. I got drunk, and left. When I was leaving, I ended up walking out with her husband. I said, figuratively, "Wow, it's cold out here." He replied, "No, it isn't." And that was it. I don't remember looking at her much in the end, which helps.

She is going to call me tonight for one last conversation. I'm not going to profess my love for her. But I want to express my emotions for my own sake. If she asks me about my dates, I will tell her that there is one woman I am interested in, but she is married, so I'm not going to tell her I'm interested. The Energy Ball is smart. She might figure it out, but it doesn't matter.

I had a blind date planned today, but the girls that were supposed to come flaked. Women sure can be flakey. It's funny how a woman's emotions could override her curiousity. Totally different for us. The other night when Immaculate and I were at the bar, I ran into a good female friend. I found out later that her friends said I was 'hot'. So these girls who flaked today could have met a 'hot' and self-described intelligent guy, but they were too stupid to be able control their emotions and take a chance. Their loss. And guys on here wonder sometimes why a woman did this thing or that thing.... Who cares! Look at who we are dealing with.

By the way, I found out that these same women make booty calls even though they are twenty-nine years old. After I found out how pitiful they were, I was happy they didn't show up.

I found out the Japanese model is bored. Maybe I'll set something up with her soon. She's fun to play with. That's the extent of it, but that's enough for me right now.
 

Heretolearn

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Good work Mr T.

You will get through this!


* sidenote It seems you have had more dates with different women in the last couple of months then me in a million years :)

I have dealt with my situation differently. I have cut contact with everyone I can apart from work and functions. Just everything that reminds me of my former life hurts too much.

My friends that are good for me are still there but the ones who increase the hurt are being post poned.

I could have pursued two girls but did not even meet with them as they have boyfriends already. We all know the pain of girls ****ing the boyfriend around so I shall not **** around with other's lives.


I am definitely stronger in myself and feel myself and my life building. Growing!

Any time I think about my former life I breakdown into a myriad of stupid thoughts about her and her in my life.

THey are not logical.

Thus I am trying to focus on me and other things NOT those thoughts.

There is a saying
'when you are going through hell, keep going!'

*as in to get out, not keep doing the same stuff that got you there :)
 

TheTrimReaper

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Yendor,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. And it sounds like you are doing better yourself. If I might add a few words, it helps to network when you are trying to get dates. Doesn't matter if they are through your negative friends or not. Forget your negative friends if you absolutely have to, but replace them with positive ones. Doesn't necessarily matter if they are married either. Married people have single friends, too. There are lots of opportunities that we just miss out on because we don't see them or we are just too timid to take a chance.

Case in point, I asked Immaculate if he wanted to go out sarging and it turned out this girl he was seeing had a friend. We met up on Friday. I have another date with her tonight. I don't know what's going to happen, but it doesn't matter. If it doesn't work out with her, then there will always be someone else to hit on, tease, flirt with, and try to date.

I always use the hunting analogy. You have to find the place where the prey are, then approach, and then go in for the kill. It all takes intelligence to look for opportunites and emotional resilience to overcome negative feedback.

If girls have boyfriends(or husbands.....ouch) it's a waste of time pursuing. I might sound like a hypocrite here, but my last experience only strengthens this message.

On that note, the Energy Ball messaged me from the airport yesterday. She left. I was upset Sunday night, and most of the day yesterday. I didn't sleep well last night. When we talked on Sunday, I didn't tell her much more than I would miss her. The conversation was light and we said 'goodbye'. She wants to email regularly, but I'm hesitant. This all feels like the Sunshine story once again. And actually, both of these women were blonde/blue and Scandinavian looking. F*cking great huh.......

It turns out the blind date girl from Sunday showed up where we were supposed to meet at 11:30 for a 12:00 meeting. She left when I wasn't there. OK Retard, you are an architect and if you can't tell the time or are so ignorant that you make such a self-deprecating lie, you are not getting a date with me.

I asked the Japanese model out for Friday, but she is going to Atlanta until January 2. She wants to go out when she gets back. Maybe I'll take her out if she's lucky.

I'm feeling tired of women myself. I'm tired of talking to them. I'm tired of wanting to find one I can trust. I almost f*cking hate Sunshine at this moment. When I think about how close I was to her, and to have her gone now, I mentally freak out. I have these thoughts of abandonment. Interestingly, I don't have the emotional reaction anymore though. It must be the Prozac. That's the only thing that could have changed this so quickly.

But I'm still plugging away.

Bottom line: I want to f*ck. I want to have someone to hug and to hug me. But then I want them to leave me the f*ck alone. This doesn't sound like the best situation for a relationship, but I'm looking for takers. I wonder what my therapist will say about that.
 

Heretolearn

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You are doing well!

There is a clear sense of improvement throughout this thread.

I am going through something similar myself. It is very easy to drop back stages especially the anger and frustration ones.

I go from wanting to be alone in a cave to having attention lavished upon me. My best moments are when I am meditating peacefully.

THIS IS YOUR TIME RIGHT NOW! By the sound of it, you are so focused on everyone else's drama. Eg. sunshine, the crazy russian :)

Leave that **** alone for a while. Leave the drama for broadway and build a solid foundation in yourself.


You are clearly getting somewhere. So just keep positive and you WILL get clarity, understanding and closure on this whole event.

THEN you get to take me out when I in the states and vice versa in Australia so we can talk about the good days and laugh about both these events for ourselves :)
 

joekerr31

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Originally posted by yendor28


There is a saying
'when you are going through hell, keep going!'

*as in to get out, not keep doing the same stuff that got you there :)

Yendor, you are growing into a master.
You're advice is showing great insight.

a lot of the time i feel the best way to get women isn't to get them at all.

the best way is to just be yourself and live by your beliefs and values. this will create confidence and pride in yourself, which will lure women to you. then its like shooting fish in a barrel.

J
 
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