Any ideas?(cant understand woman's modus operandi)

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#1
So I meet this woman, (early 30s) in 2016 at a party. We go on a date,all good, we have sex (twice). After that I invited her to go out -she said she was busy without giving me any alternatives to meet.I try again-same story and I peel off.

Fast forward one year later. I contact her we start chatting,she invites me to meet with her and stay at hers (quite directly). We sleep together. I work not far from her job,one week later ask her if she wants to catch up to have a lunch together. She coldly replies that she cant, I can almost feel "leave me alone" in her messages.No alternatives to meet offered and I peel off once more.

Finally, last month.I contact her again,we have a good chat, she is enthusiastic to meet.We meet and sleep together. One week later I get booty called,same (she comes back home from a work party). One week after that I contact her asking if she wants to meet-she coldly replies she is busy on the proposed day (without giving me alternatives,as usual).My options are exhausted (I cant be begging her to meet,can I).So I have to peel off once more.

Now what a hell is going on? There are no traces of other men in her life (she is quite open about this stuff,although woman is a woman,god knows). She is into babies and feels like she is looking for a relationship (means nothing though).She is not attracted to me?Perhaps but her actions year to year defeat this explanation.

I am confused (and I am rarely confused when it comes to relationships).Any ideas?
 

AJ84

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#2
So I meet this woman, (early 30s) in 2016 at a party. We go on a date,all good, we have sex (twice). After that I invited her to go out -she said she was busy without giving me any alternatives to meet.I try again-same story and I peel off.

Fast forward one year later. I contact her we start chatting,she invites me to meet with her and stay at hers (quite directly). We sleep together. I work not far from her job,one week later ask her if she wants to catch up to have a lunch together. She coldly replies that she cant, I can almost feel "leave me alone" in her messages.No alternatives to meet offered and I peel off once more.

Finally, last month.I contact her again,we have a good chat, she is enthusiastic to meet.We meet and sleep together. One week later I get booty called,same (she comes back home from a work party). One week after that I contact her asking if she wants to meet-she coldly replies she is busy on the proposed day (without giving me alternatives,as usual).My options are exhausted (I cant be begging her to meet,can I).So I have to peel off once more.

Now what a hell is going on? There are no traces of other men in her life (she is quite open about this stuff,although woman is a woman,god knows). She is into babies and feels like she is looking for a relationship (means nothing though).She is not attracted to me?Perhaps but her actions year to year defeat this explanation.

I am confused (and I am rarely confused when it comes to relationships).Any ideas?
Female perspective: she sees you as good enough to f**k but not good enough for a relationship, for whatever reason ( not necessarily a bad thing for you could just be you don’t fit whatever criteria she has for a potential boyfriend).
If you like the sex treat her as she is treating you (booty call) and keep your options open.
 

oldmanofthesea

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#3
Why do you say she is looking for a relationship? Basing that one just words she is saying? I'd ignore that.

Only three things come to my mind:
1. She's seriously damaged and can't be in anything regular. Could be all kinds of issues that cause that. Could be a guilt thing about sex, who knows.
2. She doesn't like the sex with you that much. She likes it enough to have it on rare occasion but not enough to have it routinely. I feel that way about one girl I know. I call her about once or twice a year. We do it. It's ok. Not bad, not great. But itch is scratched and I don't feel the urge to see her again for another 6-12 months or so (less if I'm doing really well with other cuter girls).
3. What AJ84 said
 

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Chi Town

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#6
She's just enjoying the sex, either she's not looking for a relationship and just wants to have fun, or she doesn't see you as bf material. It could a million things but who cares your in a good spot.

Just enjoy the sex, this is feminine energy, most guys would love to be in your position, women are the ones who catch feelings in a sexual relationship, there the ones who usually want more not the other way around.

You got somethings to learn.
 
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#7
Female perspective: she sees you as good enough to f**k but not good enough for a relationship, for whatever reason ( not necessarily a bad thing for you could just be you don’t fit whatever criteria she has for a potential boyfriend).
If you like the sex treat her as she is treating you (booty call) and keep your options open.
Perhaps.She knows that I am seeing other women e.g. was asking me about my tinder exploits and all that.Plus I have been outcome independent since the day one so there could be this vibe. I actually am a good boyfriend material according to her verbalization but clearly not accoridng to her actions. I actually would not want to have relationship with her.

Anyways, I certainly dont mind this role. The problem is her communication (betaization basically). Every bout I have with her starts with a decent two way communication and ends up with me offering her to meet and her plainly refusing without giving any alternatives.Obviously,one can try two-three times but cant be begging to meet. Oh well,this time was probably the last one anyways..
 
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#8
A faithful orbiter who obeys a woman over the years has a character flaw.

It's not about understanding the woman, it's about taking a deep look at yourself and tackling the root causes.

Hang around here and learn.
I am sorry but this reply is absolute nonsense. You seemingly misplace the word "orbiter" and/or did not get the context of the situation.
 

marmel75

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#9
You are wanting to date she clearly only wants to bang. Stop making this complicated and just ask her to come over and fvck.
 
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#10
You are wanting to date she clearly only wants to bang. Stop making this complicated and just ask her to come over and fvck.
Thanks. 1) I dont want to date or at least not in a context of clear monogamy. Maybe do stuff together at times but its mostly about sex.She knows it; 2)"Stop making this complicated and just ask her to come over and fvck" -I explained above that she does not make it easy for me.Every time.This is probably the confusing part.
 
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AJ84

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#11
Perhaps.She knows that I am seeing other women e.g. was asking me about my tinder exploits and all that.Plus I have been outcome independent since the day one so there could be this vibe. I actually am a good boyfriend material according to her verbalization but clearly not accoridng to her actions. I actually would not want to have relationship with her.

Anyways, I certainly dont mind this role. The problem is her communication (betaization basically). Every bout I have with her starts with a decent two way communication and ends up with me offering her to meet and her plainly refusing without giving any alternatives.Obviously,one can try two-three times but cant be begging to meet. Oh well,this time was probably the last one anyways..
She knows you are seeing others but still disregards you. If she was that interested she would be trying more to win you over and get rid of the other girls.
She’s not, so she really is not that interested and likely has other guys she is hanging out with.
Now I’m a female, as you know, and females don’t share and don’t like knowing they are not a guy’s first choice.
However it doesn’t seem guys mind being in that position, if it’s just sex, which is the position you are in with her so you can continue as is (knowing she does not have enough interest in you to make any effort), if this is something you are going to be ok with and enjoy the sex etc.
Or, if this is going to bother you, and it seems to hence your posting about it, drop her and focus on the girls you are seeing who do make more on an effort. They should be more worthy of your time and efforts, not her.
What you don’t want to be doing is focusing on the one girl who doesn’t give a f**k rather than focusing on the ones who do.
This girl doesn’t deserve that kind of mental energy from you.
 

LARaiders85

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#12
Female perspective: she sees you as good enough to f**k but not good enough for a relationship, for whatever reason ( not necessarily a bad thing for you could just be you don’t fit whatever criteria she has for a potential boyfriend).
Would be interesting to see you, @sazc and @BeExcellent do a thread on the positive reasons from the male perspective that are why women reject you for a relationship. One example, they know they can't control you, or you make them insecure bc too high SMV etc etc. I hear these from my lady friends often but I think most guys don't realize this stuff happens.
 

sazc

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#13
Would be interesting to see you, @sazc and @BeExcellent do a thread on the positive reasons from the male perspective that are why women reject you for a relationship. One example, they know they can't control you, or you make them insecure bc too high SMV etc etc. I hear these from my lady friends often but I think most guys don't realize this stuff happens.
You seem to think that the reasons men get rejected for relationships are deep/machavellian.

I just had a bumble date Saturday. Nice enough guy. Had a healing cold sore on his lip, got my profession wrong twice and, when I joked about how he was confusing me with other ladies he was taking to, he INSISTED that he just got on bumble and I was the very first, and only, female he was taking to/had met (rolleyes) he talked a lot about himself, had the beginnings of man boobs, and made sure to drop a few times that he was financially set.

All in all, too much for me to want to spend more time with him. Nice lunch but the sum total of it left me with no attraction towards him. It's pretty basic stuff. Nothing about needing to control, etc.
 

LARaiders85

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#14
You seen to think that the reasons men get rejected for relationships are deep/machavellian.

I just had a bumble date Saturday. Nice enough guy. Had a healing cold sore in his lip, got my profession wrong twice and, when I joked about how he was confusing me with other ladies he was taking to, he INSISTED that he just got on bumble and I was the very first, and only, female he was taking to/had met (rolleyes) he talked a lot about himself, had the beginnings of man boobs, and made sure to drop a few times that he was financially set.

All in all, too much for me to want to spend more time with him. It's pretty basic stuff. Nothing about needing to control, etc.
No, that's a completely irrational ego-protective interpretation of what I said. Nowhere did I say positive reasons are the only reasons to reject, but that you interpreted it that way is telling.
 

sazc

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#15
No, that's a completely irrational ego-protective interpretation of what I said.
Well then obviously I should not contribute to this thread you want. Cool by me, less to do. Other ladies can take it away!
 
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AJ84

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#16
You seem to think that the reasons men get rejected for relationships are deep/machavellian.

I just had a bumble date Saturday. Nice enough guy. Had a healing cold sore on his lip, got my profession wrong twice and, when I joked about how he was confusing me with other ladies he was taking to, he INSISTED that he just got on bumble and I was the very first, and only, female he was taking to/had met (rolleyes) he talked a lot about himself, had the beginnings of man boobs, and made sure to drop a few times that he was financially set.

All in all, too much for me to want to spend more time with him. Nice lunch but the sum total of it left me with no attraction towards him. It's pretty basic stuff. Nothing about needing to control, etc.
So he was dropping hints about being wealthy to make up for the man boobs probably lol. If he can’t look good throw money at her right lol.

Yeah this notion of women needing to control men is overblown. Not all women need to control men because not all women are that insecure and needy.
 

AJ84

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#17
Would be interesting to see you, @sazc and @BeExcellent do a thread on the positive reasons from the male perspective that are why women reject you for a relationship. One example, they know they can't control you, or you make them insecure bc too high SMV etc etc. I hear these from my lady friends often but I think most guys don't realize this stuff happens.
If they think you are too good looking and too much of a catch they may not choose you for fear of having to constantly mate guard or fear you will cheat or dump them. That’s a positive reason for being rejected lol. And it happens.
 

BeExcellent

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#18
Breaking news folks. Women aren't logical. Little known secret: Men aren't logical regarding women either. Shhhhh. Don't tell anyone.

Trying to ascertain this woman's rationale for her behavior is like trying to predict the weather on the sun. Utterly impossible. It could be a thousand things or it could be nothing. It could be everything to do with her and nothing to do with you, it could be everything to do with you and nothing to do with her. You'll never know so best not to waste energy trying to figure it out. Go by actions only. Her actions tell you she is willing to sex you up once in a while. God knows why. God knows why she rejects you when you ask her out too. Irrational? Hell yes. Take it at face value and drive on.

Take it at face value and sex her up. Quit trying to date her after. She isn't responding well to that, so leave it.

As to positive reasons women reject men as noted by @LARaiders85? Who knows. People tend to behave when interacting with others according to a several individual behavioral parameters. In my humble opinion here are some of the factors that influence behavior with someone else in a romantic or sexual interaction:

1. Self esteem of the individual
2. Insecurity profile of the individual
3. Perceived value of the individual
4. Perceived value of the other
5. Criteria preferences of the individual

Observed behavior is a product of how all those things interrelate. The trick is that much of those factors are unknown because short of reading someone else's mind all the time you'll never be able to fully discern those five factors in someone else. Hell, I'd wager a person is doing well to be able to discern them in themselves. Add to that the fact that you are only ever going to get a solid read on those factors over time in relation to someone else and its no wonder we are confused by other people's behavior...and that is BEFORE you factor in any sort of perception management the other person may be deploying to present themselves differently than they actually are.

For me personally? I never reject based on "positive" criteria. I reject based on things I will not tolerate physically, (with overweight and out of shape being at the top of the list), and along individual preferences. I have high self esteem and a low/well balanced insecurity profile (I'm very self-confident, know my intrinsic value, and know I am valued in the marketplace), and I understand HIS value in that marketplace too.

I will say that my guy is seen as fvckable by the vast majority of women. But he is also seen as difficult to predict and difficult to lasso. Therefore he brings out or heightens insecurity in women. However HE also has insecurities and he understands MY value in the marketplace and so this keeps him in balance. We had a fight the other day and he said something along the lines of I'm this or that and he isn't going to put up with it...I said well, Leave then. He dropped it, as the last thing he wants is for me to leave. He'd rather I cling and say Please don't go, please don't leave me, like countless other women. Only I'm not countless other women, and I will do just fine with or without him, which, ironically is part of the reason my value in his eyes is high.

Relationships are complex because people are complex and people's motivations are complex. We cannot simplify that fact down into a caricature and expect real life to follow our (fantasy) expectation. Part of maturing is gaining understanding of that and cutting ourselves as well as others enough slack to be the flawed human beings that we each happen to be, expressed in myriad ways.

Mate selection will always be a muddy and murky business. So quit trying to logic it all out. That's an impossible task.
 

sazc

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#19
So he was dropping hints about being wealthy to make up for the man boobs probably lol. If he can’t look good throw money at her right lol.

Yeah this notion of women needing to control men is overblown. Not all women need to control men because not all women are that insecure and needy.
IMO, as @BeExcellent said, most women don't think that deeply, they ride on their emotions.

Yea, I don't want to be that mean about man boobs. He was a nice enough guy, I just didn't feel like we had enough in common/connected on enough topics, to engage and develop intimacy. Plus the whole "you're the first chick I've met/chatted with off of online dating" I seem to hear that noise from 3 out of the 5 men I connect with.

From what I can tell, they use it as an excuse to not drive a conversation ("idk how this all works, I just signed up") (riiiight) or, as in the case with this guy, he miss stated my profession twice, correcting himself incorrectly after the first miss statement, and then tried to claim I was his first old chat/meet. I suspect that his experiences with OLD women had them accusing him if talking "to other women" while talking/dating them (jealous women) So, by telling me he was a newbie, he was hoping to avoid that topic.

He achieved alerting me to the fact that he was cool with lying. I don't like liars
 

LARaiders85

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#20
From what I can tell, they use it as an excuse to not drive a conversation ("idk how this all works, I just signed up") (riiiight) or, as in the case with this guy, he miss stated my profession twice, correcting himself incorrectly after the first miss statement, and then tried to claim I was his first old chat/meet. I suspect that his experiences with OLD women had them accusing him if talking "to other women" while talking/dating them (jealous women) So, by telling me he was a newbie, he was hoping to avoid that topic.
I went on a Bumble date, she asked me the same question, I said (truthfully) it was my first Bumble date, and she playfully enjoyed believing I was a lying scoundrel lol. Women underestimate male scarcity on OLD lol. My SMV is like a 5 on OLD and a 7-8 IRL.
 
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