Any advice for a friend that needs to divorce his wife?

[The Duke]

I've got a friend that needs to divorce his wife but is reluctant to. They have a son that is almost done with high school and he doesn't want to break up their family and cause anguish for his son. His son will be off to college in a year or so.

I've told him he just needs to sit down and put it all on the table with his wife. She isn't happy with him either. They have both cheated. As time goes by, the more disengaged and disrespectful they are towards each other. Money isn't an issue.

His wife is showing all the signs of a woman that no longer cares for her man. There won't be any salvaging this thing.

Perhaps they can at least figure out what the future looks like and communicate to their son. I think they could still live in the same place and co-parent, just not be lovers for the next year until their son is out of the house.

I've never had a kid to consider and I'm sure that makes it a lot harder.

 

[Divorced w 3]

All I can say is that when lawyers get their hands on the messaging and control the narrative, the situation is fbcked. Mine was bad irregardless, but the legal side made it substantially worse. It’s been three years and we’re finally coming back around to coparenting. We each had to do it solo until then. I think if we had mediated and done a year or so apart it would have been better but that was not how it went down.

 

[Bokanovsky]

If both parties can approach the separation/divorce in a rational and business-like manner, they can avoid a lot of hardship and drama, not to mention legal expenses. The worst thing you can do is have a protracted court fight. The smart thing to is for both parties to get legal advice from reputable family lawyers and sign a separation agreement that deals with the division of asserts in a reasonable manner (considering the son is about to become an adult, custody/parenting is largely a moot point).

In terms of timing, I would wait until the kid is in college. The last year of high school is a pretty stressful time already.

 

[SW15]

I've got a friend that needs to divorce his wife but is reluctant to. They have a son that is almost done with high school and he doesn't want to break up their family and cause anguish for his son. His son will be off to college in a year or so.

I've told him he just needs to sit down and put it all on the table with his wife. She isn't happy with him either. They have both cheated. As time goes by, the more disengaged and disrespectful they are towards each other. Money isn't an issue.

His wife is showing all the signs of a woman that no longer cares for her man. There won't be any salvaging this thing.

Perhaps they can at least figure out what the future looks like and communicate to their son. I think they could still live in the same place and co-parent, just not be lovers for the next year until their son is out of the house.

I've never had a kid to consider and I'm sure that makes it a lot harder.

As a friend, I think you've done your part. Your friend has an opportunity to file for divorce and it would be best for him to do. I would recommend that he does it now as well. Why postpone the inevitable? Start living the future now.

It seems like their son is the only child, next school year is his senior year of high school, and then he will go to college in Fall 2026.

There is a limited amount of co-parenting that needs to be done once they divorce. It seems like they are likely waiting for Fall 2026 to divorce. I think one of them will file at some point between now and the end of 2026.

Starting in Fall 2026, the co-parenting will be mainly for graduation and birthdays. There might be some discussion of financial help should the adult child need it in young adulthood. I think co-parenting wouldn't be too bad in any scenario given the age and forthcoming needs of the current 17 year old and future young adult.

It's not a salvageable relationship. The 17 year old son has seen his parents have a unhealthy interaction for many years now, as they have gotten more disengaged and disrespectful toward each other. I don't think a divorce would matter too much now in his junior/senior year of high school. The more important thing for the son is finishing senior year in the same school and not changing schools/relocating.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Use a mediator not lawyers.

All lawyers want to do is take THEIR money and get them arguing and hating each other so they will spend more time in court and spend more time paying them.

If they can act as adults and work things out themselves with the help of a mediator they will probably save 30-40K or more.

 

[Plinco]

My divorce was mostly clean, but she dragged her feet and kept it going a lot longer than it needed to. We sat down like adults and made a series of agreements, and then filed for an uncontested divorce. I looked at it logically and kept talking with her through the details.

 

[BeExcellent]

It is hard to say what is best. Hard to say how the timing will affect the son. That can be very individual.

I was 16 when my parents split. Dad was having an affair (he later married her) and my mom never dated or had sex after my dad. My mother had great contempt for my dad. Contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. It was weird but it was not a surprise. Mom was totally cold/severe/frigid and I honestly felt kinda sorry for my father, I understood why he cheated.

Because they had such a strained relationship it was a relief when they split. They got along MUCH better after the divorce (after a few cool off years) and spent most holidays together at family functions until my father's death. My step mother did stuff with her children. My father spent time with us. So it was workable.

My first husband & I negotiated our own divorce. The lawyer (singular) was brought in at the end to draw the papers according to our negotiations. We had over a million in assets at that time. We got divorced for under 2K.

My children were 6, 12, and 14 when we split. We still shared a house for a bit (he lived downstairs, I lived upstairs) and all of us adjusted. It was an amicable divorce, no cheating; nobody dating right away. We co-parented very well for the most part and got along better than we had toward the end of the marriage.

Its a very individual thing. My sister (recently out of a 30 year marriage with a real jerk) dates a divorced dad who resides in the same high rise as his ex wife (slso a long marriage that failed). The ex wife's flat is several floors above his. Most weeknights he makes dinner with his teen kids in his flat; then they go upstairs to bed at the ex-wife's flat. My sister lives in her house as custodial parent of her teen kids, and she's totally onboard with how her boyfriend & his ex wife have things arranged. The children benefit and that is a healthy thing for the kids.

Ugliness and fighting really hurts the children a tremendous amount. Amicableness is better.

How open are your friend and his wife about the marriage with their son? Children, especially teens, are very perceptive. They pick up that serious problems exist. Transparency and respect goes a long way toward figuring out what is best for that family. That also will set a solid example for the son about how adults handle conflict.

Can they do that? It is best figured out as a family with the son's input (unless he's already an entitled punk in which case there has not been stellar parenting before now.)

 

[justaroundthecorner]

I've got a friend that needs to divorce his wife but is reluctant to. They have a son that is almost done with high school and he doesn't want to break up their family and cause anguish for his son. His son will be off to college in a year or so.

I've told him he just needs to sit down and put it all on the table with his wife. She isn't happy with him either. They have both cheated. As time goes by, the more disengaged and disrespectful they are towards each other. Money isn't an issue.

His wife is showing all the signs of a woman that no longer cares for her man. There won't be any salvaging this thing.

Perhaps they can at least figure out what the future looks like and communicate to their son. I think they could still live in the same place and co-parent, just not be lovers for the next year until their son is out of the house.

I've never had a kid to consider and I'm sure that makes it a lot harder.

He should contact divorce lawyer and discuss the strategy in details, especially if he wants to end with more money and assets in his pockets.

Money are pretty much always the issue during divorce unless there's not much to divide on the table (with children in their teens, children are never treated as most important matter on the table during divorce - that's sad but objective fact).

He should abstain from any "soft moves" or declarations like "I want a divorce!" or "Come on, we should discuss divorce" before he will know on what is he standing => he should contact a lawyer and be able to disclose anything that may affect the proceedings (including own faults).

 

[ThisIsSparta]

For the sake of his kid, he can last a year longer until he is finished with highschool and set up for college. No point in crushing the boys world at a rather critical point in his life. Last thing your friend wants is being responsible for his kid fvcking up the last year of high school and not being able to go to college. I dont know how strong/stable the boy is, but kids have been derailed by divorce since forever.

Even if your friend says money is not an issue NOW, he needs to see a lawyer that sets him up for tue best possible outcome of a divorce and plan his exit strategy for the next year.

 

[BaronOfHair]

I've got a friend that needs to divorce his wife but is reluctant to. They have a son that is almost done with high school and he doesn't want to break up their family and cause anguish for his son. His son will be off to college in a year or so.

I've told him he just needs to sit down and put it all on the table with his wife. She isn't happy with him either. They have both cheated. As time goes by, the more disengaged and disrespectful they are towards each other. Money isn't an issue.

His wife is showing all the signs of a woman that no longer cares for her man. There won't be any salvaging this thing.

Perhaps they can at least figure out what the future looks like and communicate to their son. I think they could still live in the same place and co-parent, just not be lovers for the next year until their son is out of the house.

I've never had a kid to consider and I'm sure that makes it a lot harder.

I'd rip the metaphorical band aid off psrsonally: It's far too easy to get caught up in analysis paralysis over potentially unpleasant tasks like these, and it's in his favor to strike first, BEFORE the missus does

But I've also never split with a chick I had a kid with, so my thoughts on such matters may be less useful classes in aerospace engineering for The Kardashian Sisters

 

[DJ Novice]

I’m not in favour of cohabitation type arrangements after divorce. Who wants to hang around someone you have no connection with anymore? Life is too short, You need to move on with your life and not be chained to the past. The kids will cope although this easier when they are older.

As for divorce, the moment you realise the connection or desire is no longer there from one sorry you need to end it, Marriage counselling is a colossal waste of time and will just delay the inevitable. Once it’s over, it’s over. Again life is too short to be in a relationship that you no longer derive happiness from,

The success of a relationship should not be judged on how long it’s lasted but the quality of it and more specifically the quality of it now, not how it used to be. So many marriages and LTRs are just comprised of two unhappy people going through the motions out of habit, financial implications and/or fear of being alone. It’s sad to see.

 

[SW15]

I’m not in favour of cohabitation type arrangements after divorce. Who wants to hang around someone you have no connection with anymore?

I agree with you. The current real estate market, much like the current job market, is complete crap.

The downside about a divorce filing right now for many couples is that it may take a long time to sell a house.

It's possible that many couples might need to live together until the house sells.

I remember reading articles about this happening during the late 2000s/early 2010s recessionary period when the real estate market was in the toilet.

As for divorce, the moment you realise the connection or desire is no longer there from one sorry you need to end it

I agree with this for the most part. There are often circumstances that lead to divorce postponement. A bad real estate market might create more zombie couples.

Marriage counselling is a colossal waste of time and will just delay the inevitable.

I agree with this. Both of my cousins went through marriage counseling and ended up divorced. In both cases, the woman filed for divorce.

It accomplished nothing and postponed the inevitable.

The success of a relationship should not be judged on how long it’s lasted but the quality of it and more specifically the quality of it now, not how it used to be. So many marriages and LTRs are just comprised of two unhappy people going through the motions out of habit, financial implications and/or fear of being alone. It’s sad to see.

Agree and agree.

Culture is quick to positively perceive 10+ year long relationships when duration isn't an indicator of quality. Most of these longer relationships/marriages have been decaying for years. I'm well known on this forum for promoting my relationship decay idea.

The majority of longer term couples are moderately to severely unhappy. There are plenty of couples who were a good fit together at one time but that time has long since passed.