And so it begins..

Otso

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Hello fellow adventurers.
I've been stuck in a rut lately, but today something happened that I know most of you experienced - let's begin.

Well, I don't know how to start actually. Right now I'm currently sitting at a cafe, heartbroken, confused, and dizzy from what happened earlier this evening. I am a scoundrel I admit, that's why I already know that one way or the other, my girl's heart will sway away from me, but it is such a blow to my being to witness it happen in real time. I have a habit of plucking girls who already are in a relationship, but what can I do? they are already ripe and will just rot and fall to the ground whether I do something about it or no. It's the guys fault usually - they wouldn't entertain other men if they are happy with you. I let my girl rot. I neglected her, took her for granted, made her feel out of place, toyed with her heart, but I was attached and secretly, even if I don't say it, she knows that she held my heart, and hers in my hands.

She is really a delightful girl - everyone knew it. Every guy wants her. She is a boundless energy ball that brings smile and charms everyone in the room, but even though I'm affected by it I don't succumb to it. I knew that she is just a girl, that there are countless girls like her that I can charm and bring to my life.

So I neglected her, keeping her at bay, as I get lazy and narcissistic and self centred. She endured all that, because for some reason, I have a special place in her heart. She fed me, loved me, understood me, and no matter what, she stuck beside me in my darkest times, but it wasn't enough for me. I'm an insatiable self destructive pos who treated her like garbage, yet she understood the reason why I'm like that and even though she knew I wasn't up to no good, she stayed.

Time passes by and she become increasingly distant. We all know the feeling when your girl is swaying away, and because we are delusional, we ignore it - I did. I know how to bring it all back. I know how to make her fall in love with me again, but instead of doing that, I became erratic and unbearable - yet she stayed. My instinct will sometimes kick in and I will get a feeling that she is with another guy. I would act out and ask her if she is with another guy, but she would avoid the question and it becomes clearer and clearer to me. Deep down I know it's for the best - I should really let her go and stop her torment, but I unconsciously enjoyed the drama.

This afternoon, after making love with each other and satisfying each other's earthly desire we decided to have some food delivered. I was holding her phone and while looking through the menu, someone messaged her. I was curious so I asked her about it. She dismissed my request and grabbed her phone from my hands. I knew there is something so I stare at her dead in the eye as I demanded her one last time to open the message. I just wanted some closure and to know the truth. She wasn't complying, and so I grabbed her phone and she freaked out and tried to get it back. We were on the floor wrestling naked, me holding the phone out of her reach and she desperately trying to reach for it. Eventually she gave up and I open the message and voila! - my intuition was true. It seems like they were already seeing each other for 3 months, but I still demanded her the full details. I sat down with her on my bed and I was still furious, but I kept my cool and gave her a space to open up, and so she gave me the details. I was pissed but wasn't surprised - I had it coming.

Eventually we cool off, and we lay on the bed. She expressed what she really felt and the reason why she did it. I already know why - it was just a confirmation. She cried as she beg for my forgiveness, and it broke my heart - mainly because I know that there is really no future between the both of us. She promised that she will try to bring back my trust, but I know deep in my heart that there's no way for her to bring back a dead relationship. The ship was sinking for a very long time, and it will just keep sinking - until it drowns both of us, tainting the once beautiful memory that we shared for 2 years. I don't want that. So I ended it right there. She left and walked in the rain, leaving a trail of broken shards of bleeding heart between us.

I don't have any ill feelings towards her. I know that there's no happily ever after. I know that I deserved that smack in my face. She deserved a better man for a long time, and I wasn't the that guy.

Still, I'm left wrecked. Pieces of nostalgia flying across my mind.

"Her room smells like comfort, she envelops me with love and tenderness as I rest on her chest. Nothing matters. The sun shone brightly and it lit up her room. I see every furniture, every accessories, the big black yoga inspired fabric that hang on the room's wall. Her bookshelf full of books about yoga, romance novels, beautiful books of poems. I was contented. She was such a heart-achingly beautiful soul."

My mind brings me back here in this cafe. The rain ended, and the road still fresh and wet.

With a heart a little scarred, I will continue walking towards my path. Where? I don't really know.
I just want to heal and to better navigate my life. I want to be stronger and more resilient against my demons. To cure my youthful naiveté, to willingly subject myself to pain and experiences so that the next time I fall in love, I can give more.

-Otso-
 
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