An Alternative View on Confidence

[nicksaiz65]

I wanted to talk about something I've been thinking about for a while, and challenge the traditional viewpoint to confidence. The traditional viewpoint from what I can tell is that confidence should just "come from within." I don't really like that because it's not actionable or practical. Would you tell that to a 40 year old virgin as well, to just be confident? What does "come from within" even mean?

I found that whenever I tried the confidence from within tactic, it never worked for me. I still felt horrible about myself, I felt I was ugly and didn't deserve women or anything really.

Only one thing worked for increasing my confidence: the Self Improvement. If you watch AMS or teachingmensfashion on YouTube, they will both tell you that confidence does NOT come from within. What will give you confidence is doing the Self Improvement. You do the improvement, you derive something to be confident about, you start feeling good about yourself, and THEN you get the confidence. As opposed to telling a non-confident guy that he should just roll out of the bed and just be confident bro. A lot of guys need different things to feel good about themselves: without the Self Improvement, you won't feel good about yourself, and then you won't have the confidence. I like the self improvement strategy a lot more because it's actually actionable. Your confidence will be proportional to the amount of work you put in.

This strategy is the only thing that worked for me. I kept feeling horrible about myself until I improved my grades this semester, got in better cardiovascular shape by running more, and got my hair looking right. Those thoughts like "I'm unworthy" or "I don't deserve her" never run through my mind anymore.

I'd like to hear you all's thoughts on this. But I think I've discovered the "key to confidence."

 

[lamath]

I agree on some part, but i think confidence from some aspect can be transferred to other aspect.

This is why imo things like working out is so important.
You can never be fully confident in something if you lack experience but you can compensate.

 

[Atom Smasher]

First of all, I'm very glad to hear of your progress.

I agree that you've discovered the key to confidence.

One only needs to look at a baby to learn about how to attain confidence. One step, and fall. One step, and fall. One step, and fall. Two steps and fall. Two steps and fall. Three steps and fall.

Fast-forward 20 years, and we see an Olympic medal. All true inner-core confidence comes from tiny baby steps, but that must be accompanied by ignoring the emotional stress of many failures and the resulting necessity slight adjustments. Most people fail to gain confidence because unlike the infant, they cry and say "poor me" every time they fall down.

 

[Kotaix]

You're right, but... confidence does come from within. I've been in a situation where I was confident for what I thought was reason X, only to find out later that that confidence was entirely misplaced, but I still got the girl because I believed in myself and was confident at the time.

You don't need prove anything to yourself to be confident, but this is the way most people think because they're so ingrained to think that what other people think matters at all. It's possible to just project your confidence at any time, but unless you actually believe it then you're just faking it and it doesn't work. Chads get this given to them for free because of their looks and the female attention it brings them, but it works the same way, confidence is assumed and projected, it's not something you earn.

It's also key to say that confidence isn't a permanent state that you always have once you achieve it, you an be confident in one moment and lose it in the next.

 

[Seductions_Mad_Scientist]

I wanted to talk about something I've been thinking about for a while, and challenge the traditional viewpoint to confidence. The traditional viewpoint from what I can tell is that confidence should just "come from within." I don't really like that because it's not actionable or practical. Would you tell that to a 40 year old virgin as well, to just be confident? What does "come from within" even mean?

I found that whenever I tried the confidence from within tactic, it never worked for me. I still felt horrible about myself, I felt I was ugly and didn't deserve women or anything really.

Only one thing worked for increasing my confidence: the Self Improvement. If you watch AMS or teachingmensfashion on YouTube, they will both tell you that confidence does NOT come from within. What will give you confidence is doing the Self Improvement. You do the improvement, you derive something to be confident about, you start feeling good about yourself, and THEN you get the confidence. As opposed to telling a non-confident guy that he should just roll out of the bed and just be confident bro. A lot of guys need different things to feel good about themselves: without the Self Improvement, you won't feel good about yourself, and then you won't have the confidence. I like the self improvement strategy a lot more because it's actually actionable. Your confidence will be proportional to the amount of work you put in.

This strategy is the only thing that worked for me. I kept feeling horrible about myself until I improved my grades this semester, got in better cardiovascular shape by running more, and got my hair looking right. Those thoughts like "I'm unworthy" or "I don't deserve her" never run through my mind anymore.

I'd like to hear you all's thoughts on this. But I think I've discovered the "key to confidence."

Look

Would you really be able to honestly say your room is clean if you just sweep the dust and dirt under the rug?

If you have a definable problem you SHOULD fix it. If you dont yet have a definable problem you should define it and then fix it. Anything other than a strategy broadly resembling that is just delusion and avoidance.

Looking back at some of my old journal posts and thinking about what I used to believe its obvious I have improved and therefore my confidence has increased.

Cheers

 

[Lookatu]

Girls just have it so much easier than us. Their confidence is dictated by their makeup, hair, outfit...

 

[Visionist]

Success breeds confidence. Failure breeds a lack of confidence. A natural cycle.

You have to break the cycle and be confident without success, or even in failure.

This is why psychopaths are so successful. They feel nothing.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Confidence comes from both believing in yourself and having success in what you have done in the past which leads you to believe you will achieve the same results.

 

[zekko]

This is a topic I've struggled with, because I've never quite understood why confidence is supposedly such a big deal. And I've never really considered myself confident with women, in that I would walk into a place and feel like every woman is obviously going to want to go home with me. I feel like I am going to appeal to certain women, however.

I disagree that you cannot fake confidence, I think I've always faked confidence because I've always heard men are supposed to have it. I don't think women can tell authentic confidence from fake. A lot of the behaviors they seem to be impressed with (like swagger, acting like a douche) appear to me to actually be insecurity. It's your actions that are important, IMO. If you are willing to boldly step up and do what needs to be done, that's all that's required.

For me, I've always derived my real confidence from preparation. Whether it be taking a test, playing a sport, playing an instrument or a piece of music, I will be confident if I know I've put in my preparation.

 

[Georgepithyou]

If ur doing self improvmwnt it still is technically bringing you confidence from within. You have to believe you are confident and you will feel confident.

Fake it till you make it exists for a reason, it might all be placebo but it works

 

[GioWolf]

Confidence comes from experience and knowledge. Once you’ve done something multiple times you become better at it and are confident you can do it again. Courage is having the balls to do something you’re not confident you can do. Courage is not being afraid to fail. Courage comes from within, not confidence. Self improvement like lifting weights increases your testosterone giving you the courage to take more risks. Watching YouTube videos increases your knowledge allowing you courage to take more calculated risks. Eventually leading to true confidence.

 

[mikey2012]

Confidence is belief in oneself.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Confidence comes from experience and knowledge. Once you’ve done something multiple times you become better at it and are confident you can do it again. Courage is having the balls to do something you’re not confident you can do. Courage is not being afraid to fail. Courage comes from within, not confidence. Self improvement like lifting weights increases your testosterone giving you the courage to take more risks. Watching YouTube videos increases your knowledge allowing you courage to take more calculated risks. Eventually leading to true confidence.

There's are different types of confidence. There's s kind of confidence that exists thats An "irrational" excess belief in self. I call it "stupid confidence". Confidence thats in areas barely developed but applied provides a shyt ton of drive. It can also be applied in the wrong direction causing setbacks.

 

[mikey2012]

There's are different types of confidence. There's s kind of confidence that exists thats An "irrational" excess belief in self. I call it "stupid confidence". Confidence thats in areas barely developed but applied provides a shyt ton of drive. It can also be applied in the wrong direction causing setbacks.

But even an irrational belief is a quality. Look at Adam Neumann, Weworks, Elizabeth Holmes, Theranos. Do you think they would have raised so much money if they didn’t have irrational belief.

 

[Mike32ct]

Not disagreeing with anybody but I still love this Mystery quote...

“I don’t care about confidence. I care about competence.”

Just focus on getting better in a certain area and don’t even really think about confidence.

 

[Atom Smasher]

The best and most useful brand of confidence, in my opinion, is the absolute belief that if I go through the motions (Fake it till I make it), that I will eventually excel at it. So it’s less a confidence in specific tasks or skills but more of confidence in myself to be able to rise to new levels.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Confidence is situational, or at least it starts out that way.

Built by a string of memories of doing something successfully.

You can be confident making toast, and confident making various omelettes, and confidence making various casseroles.

Eventually you'll gain general "cooking" confidence that you can learn and perfect any recipe.

Social skills confidence is another general confidence that is made up of many subsets built by many memories of doing various things successfully.

Humans are essentially learning machines.

We come with a bit of pre-wiring, but then we need to continuously learn more to get more.

Lack of confidence is only a signal that you need more practice.

Any idea that confidence can just magically "poof" from within is a PUA marketing gimmick.

As mentioned by most other posters, confidence comes from a memory of slowly increased skills in the past.

Practice makes better.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Confidence is situational, or at least it starts out that way.

Built by a string of memories of doing something successfully.

You can be confident making toast, and confident making various omelettes, and confidence making various casseroles.

Eventually you'll gain general "cooking" confidence that you can learn and perfect any recipe.

Social skills confidence is another general confidence that is made up of many subsets built by many memories of doing various things successfully.

Humans are essentially learning machines.

We come with a bit of pre-wiring, but then we need to continuously learn more to get more.

Lack of confidence is only a signal that you need more practice.

Any idea that confidence can just magically "poof" from within is a PUA marketing gimmick.

As mentioned by most other posters, confidence comes from a memory of slowly increased skills in the past.

Practice makes better.

"Hood" guys, lets say a young one that knows one day he will be a NBA star. They have an extreme irrational confidence that when not applied properly gets them into a ton of trouble in life. But their irrational confidence let's them get better FASTER.

The sort of confidence you are speaking of is a confidence developed by raising skills and your level of aptitude.

Irrational confidence is a different animal. Im not sure how to grow it other than having no fear. Some people have that. It's "unearned" but inside them.

We don't push PUA here.

When you have high confidence additional skill and knowledge acquisition is much easier.

 

[samspade]

Yeah I've been playing guitar for three months now. My fingers are good and blistered and I can play a number of songs better than I could when I started. Of course I have a long ways to go. But I can say I'm more confident in my ability than I was then. I wasn't embarrassed to show people what I could do three months ago, but I know I'm better now. So it goes with most things.

I think you can start with the inner confidence in knowing you have the ability to learn and master something with practice. And then the growing confidence that comes with practice. Case in point, most pro athletes are confident/c0cky, but as rookies they realize that alone won't get it done. They go through growing pains to reach the top. They key is not being afraid to suck at first.

How this translates to attraction...well, the whole fake-it-til-you-make-it advice is more about getting the reps in, like anything else. If you haven't been doing it, you've gotta start somewhere. And even men who are naturals and started out easily attracting women as teens still learn and adjust. Nothing is static. I've had many men tell me "Man I just don't have the confidence to do that" and I tell them that it has little to do with it...it's more a matter of experience and comfort.

 

[In2theGame]

Girls just have it so much easier than us. Their confidence is dictated by their makeup, hair, outfit...

It comes from a massive amount of guys messaging her on dating apps "Hey Cutie" with an Inbox of 200+ unopened messages.