Am *I* too argumentative with her?

[jnMissouri]

She follows my boundaries to a T, even calls me to ask about anything unclear or if xyz is OK, and when I tell her no that's dangerous I don't want you to do it, she accepts it and says OK. She asks me if I'm ok with her doing this or that now in general if there is anything unclear, no argument really. Maybe a little tude sometimes, but meh, she has admitted she is hard headed. She got rid of male friends, etc. without a problem. So big stuff she complies with no problem.

But there are scenarios where she argues over petty things like...

1) She was sick one time and I told her I was coming over to take care of her. She argued with me for an hour on the phone, being adamant I not come, doesn't want me to catch it, her house is dirty, etc. I dominated and went anyways, told her I was hanging up and I would be there in an hour after my meeting. She told me the next day she was happy I came....now mind you she argued with me NOT to come prior to that....

2) It took an hour of asking her to promise me she will tell me she is sick from now on which after an hour of no, no, no, 500 no's she finally gave in and promised.

2) I wanted to get the address of where she is working right now for a project she is working on so I can send her food on days she doesn't get the chance to eat due to her busy schedule, or even flowers on valentines day. She would bring me food all the time at my house when I was working so I wanted to return the favor. She said she doesn't want anything from me, even for her birthday, etc. I asked her REPEATEDLY for the suite number (I have the street address since we share location info from phones) but she said she doesn't want me to spend my money on her. This goes on for an hour. Finally she says what has been bothering her, which is basically she thinks I said my wealth is more important than our relationship....this stemmed from a conversation about the risk of marriage for me since she brought up engagement a few times early on in our relationship. I never said that, she took it that way because I said if we get divorced I've already lost her so why lose my wealth. She took that to mean money > her. She's more emotional than your typical girl...logic is not her strength or even on her radar...

3) I wanted to go see her for her birthday while she is out of state for the project, and she had told me even when she was here her birthday is not important (her culture apparently) but yet she didn't mind that I made plans for it, had gift ideas, etc. She kept saying I don't need gifts at times etc. She said the same thing for xmas though and when xmas came around, she was happy to give and receive thousands in gifts (she went all out for me and I returned the favor). So she said no don't worry about coming for my birthDAY, we can celebrate when I'm back before I have to return here for work. I told her I want to come down on her birthday anyways, she said I'll have to work all day, just come for the weekend the Friday of my birthweek if you want instead of the Wednesday that's the actual day, she'll feel bad about leaving me in the hotel all day while at work and only being able to hang out after work. Her brother is with her on the trip (they share a room) so even if I don't go, he will at least take her out so it's not like I'm abandoning her if I don't go on her actual birthday but still....she argued so much about this...but as usual I kept arguing with her and dominated so I was going down on her birthday...but then she mentioned she prefers if someone surprises her rather than TELLS her that they are coming, etc. Still, endless argument for days about this one thing...at the end she hinted she wants my coming down to be a surprise...but endless argument about it...

4) She wanted to ask me to go someplace with her for her vehicle service out of state. It's a 3 hour drive. She had even talked to her sister about her being nervous about asking me. Her sister offered to text me to ask me FOR her but she said no I'll ask him. It took her an HOUR on the phone to ask me. She said she is very independent and doesn't like asking anyone for help including her family. Her sister has told her she is too masculine, I told her I agree with her sister...

Point being, she does the important things I ask of her, no male friends, don't be out past this time, let me know if you're going out with the girls and where, etc. but she argues with me for hours over the simplest things. Should I just let these small things go? I told her last night fine, I won't ask you again, I won't send you flowers on valentines day. From now on I told her, I will ask you once and if you say "no" once I'm not going to keep asking you and get 500 no's. I will just not get you anything. She hesitated and didn't like that when I said that. My friend even noticed it who was with me when I was talking to her on the phone....

So am *I* too argumentative with her? I know my friend who overheard our calls said she is the problem, and I agree, but I told him, let's keep perspective, she is doing everything important that I ask of her to protect our relationship and respect my boundaries, but she argues with me over trivial things that would benefit HER by ME doing something for HER....

She admits she is hard headed....she admits she is argumentative. Does she like the chase when I keep asking her until she gives in? It frustrates the crap out of me and I want to hang up on her and have before and she has on me because she doesn't like when I keep pushing. But I told her I will only ask once from now on and if she doesn't tell me I'll not ask her again and she won't get anything from me for her birthday or Valentines day...she hesitated when I said that...

 

[samspade]

Yes.

 

[jnMissouri]

Yes.

So pick my battles? Leave the trivial stuff alone, if she says she doesn't want flowers let it go? As long as she is doing the important stuff I ask for let the smaller stuff go? Won't this be seen as submissive behavior?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

"You might like to hear something from us, nice....and easy. I'd like to do that for you, but the thing is... we never ever do nothin' nice...and easy."

 

[samspade]

So pick my battles? Leave the trivial stuff alone, if she says she doesn't want flowers let it go? As long as she is doing the important stuff I ask for let the smaller stuff go? Won't this be seen as submissive behavior?

Arguing is stupid, and doing it incessantly until you get your way isn't 'dominant.' It sounds to me like you're exhausting her.

And this is pure speculation, but she sounds like she's looking for relief from you, hence making herself scarce. Perhaps because of all your rules and restrictions and your refusal to take no for an answer. If I were her I'd feel smothered - that's how I saw it.

 

[StacksHitEmUp]

Arguing is stupid, and doing it incessantly until you get your way isn't 'dominant.' It sounds to me like you're exhausting her.

And this is pure speculation, but she sounds like she's looking for relief from you, hence making herself scarce. Perhaps because of all your rules and restrictions and your refusal to take no for an answer. If I were her I'd feel smothered - that's how I saw it.

Obviously she feel smothered. This dude is extremely controlling and sounds very insecure, hence obsessively asking the same thing over and over. You're the problem OP, not your woman.

 

[jnMissouri]

Arguing is stupid, and doing it incessantly until you get your way isn't 'dominant.' It sounds to me like you're exhausting her.

And this is pure speculation, but she sounds like she's looking for relief from you, hence making herself scarce. Perhaps because of all your rules and restrictions and your refusal to take no for an answer. If I were her I'd feel smothered - that's how I saw it.

My friend and I feel the opposite, we looked at her patterns (you don't have all the details we do) and she seems to enjoy the ups and downs....She says she doesn't want to argue, or talk on the phone for a couple days...then she calls right when she wakes up and talks to me for 3 and a half hours....including an argument (although they are getting milder without us hanging up on each other at my request, although I still sometimes want to).

Another night we argue for 4 hours until 3 AM, all the while I'm trying to get her off the phone, but she keeps arguing even though I keep trying to end the argument and talk about something else. Then finally I succeed in ending the argument....then she calls me again 4 hours later to talk for 3 more hours on the phone as soon as she gets up, which starts another argument, in all of which she is very dramatic and childish. My friend has overheard them on speakerphone and he sees it now and he and I both feel that she says she doesn't like arguing, but yet calls me constantly and it leads to an argument....why not just give me the suite number? Then we talk for hours and when it's done, she still calls the next morning to argue again. In fact I can't remember the last time I called her. She calls me almost every day to talk for hours...In fact although she called me steadily and regularly before and complained that I never call her on a nearly weekly basis, she has started calling me even more since we started arguing...but she only argues about trivial stuff, never about important stuff that she knows I would walk over....

That said, I've noticed that in the arguments I noted above, it's stuff she doesn't want me to do for her (but in a couple cases she secretly did) so I'm not sure if she's trying to get me to dominate her or what. I know she likes that I lead. But I also know my last ex gf felt we argued too much...apparently 1 argument every few months was too much. She was an emotional mess and could never grow up, even as a 25 year old she was immature...

Plus...

 

[jnMissouri]

Obviously she feel smothered. This dude is extremely controlling and sounds very insecure, hence obsessively asking the same thing over and over. You're the problem OP, not your woman.

So asking my gf what suite she is working out of so I can send her flowers for Valentines day is insecure and it's wrong for me to ask her, and I'm the problem because she says she doesn't want anything and won't tell me the suite so that she doesn't owe me anything and keeps saying no, no no no like usual although she almost always seems to give in and secretly seems to like that I dominate her? It's Ok for her to say no she doesn't want flowers from her bf (or food) when I offer them? My friends disagree with your assessment.

And as controlling as you think I am, she had zero issues with the boundaries, in fact, she claims she doesn't care where I go, I don't need to tell HER...but as soon as I say I'm going out later she is like, WHERE TO?? WITH WHO?? WHAT TIME? ETC.

 

[EyeBRollin]

OP,

I suggest you break up with her. You need therapy and a detox from red pill. Your behavior is damaging. Don’t be surprised if this girl cheats on you and monkey branches.

 

[samspade]

My friend and I feel the opposite, we looked at her patterns (you don't have all the details we do) and she seems to enjoy the ups and downs....She says she doesn't want to argue, or talk on the phone for a couple days...then she calls right when she wakes up and talks to me for 3 and a half hours....including an argument (although they are getting milder without us hanging up on each other at my request, although I still sometimes want to).

Another night we argue for 4 hours until 3 AM, all the while I'm trying to get her off the phone, but she keeps arguing even though I keep trying to end the argument and talk about something else. Then finally I succeed in ending the argument....then she calls me again 4 hours later to talk for 3 more hours on the phone as soon as she gets up, which starts another argument, in all of which she is very dramatic and childish. My friend has overheard them on speakerphone and he sees it now and he and I both feel that she says she doesn't like arguing, but yet calls me constantly and it leads to an argument....why not just give me the suite number? Then we talk for hours and when it's done, she still calls the next morning to argue again. In fact I can't remember the last time I called her. She calls me almost every day to talk for hours...In fact although she called me steadily and regularly before and complained that I never call her on a nearly weekly basis, she has started calling me even more since we started arguing...but she only argues about trivial stuff, never about important stuff that she knows I would walk over....

That said, I've noticed that in the arguments I noted above, it's stuff she doesn't want me to do for her (but in a couple cases she secretly did) so I'm not sure if she's trying to get me to dominate her or what. I know she likes that I lead. But I also know my last ex gf felt we argued too much...apparently 1 argument every few months was too much. She was an emotional mess and could never grow up, even as a 25 year old she was immature...

Plus...

Well if she's the problem and causing all this stress by arguing, dump her. I had an ex who constantly bickered and argued and drove me nuts, but your girlfriend makes my ex sound like Gandhi. Either way you're responsible for letting yourself get roped into these fights, and for continuing with her. She can't have an argument with herself.

OP,

I suggest you break up with her. You need therapy and a detox from red pill. Your behavior is damaging. Don’t be surprised if this girl cheats on you and monkey branches.

I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to say it (or I went with 'relief' lol). All this "don't come at X time" and not giving the address etc. sounds to me like she will seek an outlet - first to complain to, then to get fukked.

 

[samspade]

So asking my gf what suite she is working out of so I can send her flowers for Valentines day is insecure and it's wrong for me to ask her, and I'm the problem because she says she doesn't want anything and won't tell me the suite so that she doesn't owe me anything and keeps saying no, no no no like usual although she almost always seems to give in and secretly seems to like that I dominate her? It's Ok for her to say no she doesn't want flowers from her bf (or food) when I offer them? My friends disagree with your assessment.

If she is the problem then dump her, find someone who appreciates flowers and other gifts.

If she secretly likes being 'dominated' and you like (metaphorically) twisting her arm until she acquiesces, then there's no problem to solve. You're a good match.

 

[jnMissouri]

Well if she's the problem and causing all this stress by arguing, dump her. I had an ex who constantly bickered and argued and drove me nuts, but your girlfriend makes my ex sound like Gandhi. Either way you're responsible for letting yourself get roped into these fights, and for continuing with her. She can't have an argument with herself.



I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to say it (or I went with 'relief' lol). All this "don't come at X time" and not giving the address etc. sounds to me like she will seek an outlet - first to complain to, then to get fukked.

I like how you completely ignored the fact that she calls me constantly to argue, she triggers them and was disappointed when I told her I'm not going to ask more than once from now on. If you heard them you'd see she likes the up and down, even friends who hear the calls agree. Why else call me to argue all night, then again first thing in the morning, then again later on. I mean not all of it is arguing, but usually there is a small argument. Right now we are past the honey moon phase and trying to figure each other out. I've noticed our fights get milder with time. We peaked and now don't hang up on each other, don't call each other names, etc. And I'm at the point of when I ask her something once and she doesn't want to give me the info so I can send her lunch, fine with me, she can go hungry...why am I arguing for her benefit if she doesn't want me to do it for her (yet strangely she drops food off at my house all the time but I can't uber food to her...)


No I told you, you missed it, we argued about when to come, then she said she doesn't want me to waste my money on the extra days in the hotel, to come the weekend so we can spend the entire weekend together (she works 12-16 hour days, legit). When I told her it's only $170 difference she said ok, but I thought your money was more important, etc. Then we talked on the phone and she told me she would have preferred it if I had just flown down and surprised her on her birthday instead of telling her I was coming down that day. She said she prefers surprises over me telling her. So I asked her, if I fly down and you made other plans with your brother (they go out to eat every meal together and share a room in a house there currently) and I call you are you still going to come pick me up at the airport and she said of course.

She even moved to another house and I saw it late at night on the GPS. She went to the first house then another house late at night. I got worried, she called me right away and told me she was moving because of a plumbing issue and her brother was with her. She even asked him to say something and I heard him say Hi to me in the background. He's there to protect her lol and he knows I'm her bf.

While anything can happen, that's doubtful, she's not the type. She's barely been touched and that's amazing as attractive as she is plus she took a while for each relationship before becoming intimate and her body count is suuuuuper low. She has told me before she would just move on rather than cheat. She's just as worried about me cheating. Having healthy boundaries to keep each other out of trouble doesn't equate to pushing each other to cheating or monkey branching, that's a logical fallacy, it's what low quality, selfish and insecure people do, then blame others for it. Case in point, two of my employees had wife's cheat with men at bars...my gf and I don't like each other going to bars and that's a boundary for us. Had my employees had such boundaries they would have been able to end the marriage/relationship before it got to that point. People who are taken don't belong in bars, that's for single people. In one employees case the wife said she didn't get enough attention from him so she hooked up with some bar dude. Stop dating low quality women, women who do stuff like that then blame you are problem women....

I had boundaries like this with other gf's including a 10 year relationship, she never cheated....

That said, the red pill stuff is definitely damaging...You guys have to realize not all women or men cheat, take your own advice on the red pill stuff...

That said, like I told her yesterday, I'm only going to ask once from now on, if she doesn't answer I'll let it go, but trust me, she calls to argue a lot because she likes it, my friend who has heard her even thinks so. "Let's not talk on the phone" then calls me 3 times a day for hours to talk/argue. Good thing is when it comes to stuff that matters such as boundaries she doesn't argue. She accepts them and understands the why.

 

[samspade]

While anything can happen, that's doubtful, she's not the type. She's barely been touched and that's amazing as attractive as she is plus she took a while for each relationship before becoming intimate and her body count is suuuuuper low. She has told me before she would just move on rather than cheat. She's just as worried about me cheating. Having healthy boundaries to keep each other out of trouble doesn't equate to pushing each other to cheating or monkey branching, that's a logical fallacy, it's what low quality, selfish and insecure people do, then blame others for it. Case in point, two of my employees had wife's cheat with men at bars...my gf and I don't like each other going to bars and that's a boundary for us. Had my employees had such boundaries they would have been able to end the marriage/relationship before it got to that point. People who are taken don't belong in bars, that's for single people. In one employees case the wife said she didn't get enough attention from him so she hooked up with some bar dude. Stop dating low quality women, women who do stuff like that then blame you are problem women....

I had boundaries like this with other gf's including a 10 year relationship, she never cheated....

That said, the red pill stuff is definitely damaging...You guys have to realize not all women or men cheat, take your own advice on the red pill stuff...

That said, like I told her yesterday, I'm only going to ask once from now on, if she doesn't answer I'll let it go, but trust me, she calls to argue a lot because she likes it, my friend who has heard her even thinks so. "Let's not talk on the phone" then calls me 3 times a day for hours to talk/argue. Good thing is when it comes to stuff that matters such as boundaries she doesn't argue. She accepts them and understands the why.

Sounds like you've got it all figured out. What's the issue then? Did she accuse you of being "argumentative"?

 

[EyeBRollin]

That said, like I told her yesterday, I'm only going to ask once from now on, if she doesn't answer I'll let it go, but trust me, she calls to argue a lot because she likes it, my friend who has heard her even thinks so.

The fact that you have to verbalize “I’m only going to ask once” shows you aren’t about this life. Actions speak louder than words ever can. If (both) she (and you) believed you, there is no need to utter these words.

 

[jnMissouri]

Sounds like you've got it all figured out. What's the issue then? Did she accuse you of being "argumentative"?

I accused her, she just said she doesn't like to argue,, but not just me, my friend says she is argumentative and unreasonable, as did her ex husband as does her sister. Her sister tells her she is too masculine and argumentative and that's why she has problems in relationships. Don't get me wrong, she is feminine in looks, voice, etc. But when it comes to arguing and work, she is very masculine. She had told me what her sister said about her when we were first dating and I didn't see it, but now I do and I told her that. So now she pouts that she is too masculine, blab blah blah.

I think I will let the arguments about flowers and such go. It's not the flowers, it's that I'm testing her for compliance. But I thought about it today, she said she has zero issues with the boundaries and she agrees with them for both of us because she doesn't want me in bars either and is worried about me cheating as well. It's just the simplest stuff she turns into a big deal. It took her an HOUR to ask me on the phone to go with her somewhere once. She had even talked with her sister about it and her sister offered to text me and ask me FOR her. She is a little off when it comes to relationships. She's a good loyal caring woman. But she doesn't know how to let the man lead sometimes.

I'll be flying down to see her on her birthday anyways, so I'll find out the suite number. Her brother is there every day, I can also get it from him. She just wanted me to surprise her when I came down I found out later.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Missouri,
Was that your Hat I saw on the hook outside John Cleeses Classroom?

john cleese the argument classroom video clip - Search Videos

www.bing.com

 

[AureliusMaximus]

She follows my boundaries to a T, even calls me to ask about anything unclear or if xyz is OK, and when I tell her no that's dangerous I don't want you to do it, she accepts it and says OK. She asks me if I'm ok with her doing this or that now in general if there is anything unclear, no argument really. Maybe a little tude sometimes, but meh, she has admitted she is hard headed. She got rid of male friends, etc. without a problem. So big stuff she complies with no problem.

But there are scenarios where she argues over petty things like...

1) She was sick one time and I told her I was coming over to take care of her. She argued with me for an hour on the phone, being adamant I not come, doesn't want me to catch it, her house is dirty, etc. I dominated and went anyways, told her I was hanging up and I would be there in an hour after my meeting. She told me the next day she was happy I came....now mind you she argued with me NOT to come prior to that....

2) It took an hour of asking her to promise me she will tell me she is sick from now on which after an hour of no, no, no, 500 no's she finally gave in and promised.

2) I wanted to get the address of where she is working right now for a project she is working on so I can send her food on days she doesn't get the chance to eat due to her busy schedule, or even flowers on valentines day. She would bring me food all the time at my house when I was working so I wanted to return the favor. She said she doesn't want anything from me, even for her birthday, etc. I asked her REPEATEDLY for the suite number (I have the street address since we share location info from phones) but she said she doesn't want me to spend my money on her. This goes on for an hour. Finally she says what has been bothering her, which is basically she thinks I said my wealth is more important than our relationship....this stemmed from a conversation about the risk of marriage for me since she brought up engagement a few times early on in our relationship. I never said that, she took it that way because I said if we get divorced I've already lost her so why lose my wealth. She took that to mean money > her. She's more emotional than your typical girl...logic is not her strength or even on her radar...

3) I wanted to go see her for her birthday while she is out of state for the project, and she had told me even when she was here her birthday is not important (her culture apparently) but yet she didn't mind that I made plans for it, had gift ideas, etc. She kept saying I don't need gifts at times etc. She said the same thing for xmas though and when xmas came around, she was happy to give and receive thousands in gifts (she went all out for me and I returned the favor). So she said no don't worry about coming for my birthDAY, we can celebrate when I'm back before I have to return here for work. I told her I want to come down on her birthday anyways, she said I'll have to work all day, just come for the weekend the Friday of my birthweek if you want instead of the Wednesday that's the actual day, she'll feel bad about leaving me in the hotel all day while at work and only being able to hang out after work. Her brother is with her on the trip (they share a room) so even if I don't go, he will at least take her out so it's not like I'm abandoning her if I don't go on her actual birthday but still....she argued so much about this...but as usual I kept arguing with her and dominated so I was going down on her birthday...but then she mentioned she prefers if someone surprises her rather than TELLS her that they are coming, etc. Still, endless argument for days about this one thing...at the end she hinted she wants my coming down to be a surprise...but endless argument about it...

4) She wanted to ask me to go someplace with her for her vehicle service out of state. It's a 3 hour drive. She had even talked to her sister about her being nervous about asking me. Her sister offered to text me to ask me FOR her but she said no I'll ask him. It took her an HOUR on the phone to ask me. She said she is very independent and doesn't like asking anyone for help including her family. Her sister has told her she is too masculine, I told her I agree with her sister...

Point being, she does the important things I ask of her, no male friends, don't be out past this time, let me know if you're going out with the girls and where, etc. but she argues with me for hours over the simplest things. Should I just let these small things go? I told her last night fine, I won't ask you again, I won't send you flowers on valentines day. From now on I told her, I will ask you once and if you say "no" once I'm not going to keep asking you and get 500 no's. I will just not get you anything. She hesitated and didn't like that when I said that. My friend even noticed it who was with me when I was talking to her on the phone....

So am *I* too argumentative with her? I know my friend who overheard our calls said she is the problem, and I agree, but I told him, let's keep perspective, she is doing everything important that I ask of her to protect our relationship and respect my boundaries, but she argues with me over trivial things that would benefit HER by ME doing something for HER....

She admits she is hard headed....she admits she is argumentative. Does she like the chase when I keep asking her until she gives in? It frustrates the crap out of me and I want to hang up on her and have before and she has on me because she doesn't like when I keep pushing. But I told her I will only ask once from now on and if she doesn't tell me I'll not ask her again and she won't get anything from me for her birthday or Valentines day...she hesitated when I said that...

Don't argue with women and try to apply your male logic, they will never understand it.
Just ignore her and hold your frame.

 

[Konada]

You're shoving your ideas of how a boyfriend should act like down her throat without considering if she appreciates it.

She cannot fully appreciate and receive your affection if you do it in a way that is self-serving. And your statement that you are only going to ask once seems spiteful rather tham out of understanding.

I suggest you sit down with her and have a honest conversation of how she receives love.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You're shoving your ideas of how a boyfriend should act like down her throat without considering if she appreciates it.

She cannot fully appreciate and receive your affection if you do it in a way that is self-serving. And your statement that you are only going to ask once seems spiteful rather tham out of understanding.

I suggest you sit down with her and have a honest conversation of how she receives love.

Exactly my thoughts...she will accept it for a while but then start resenting it.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She follows my boundaries to a T, even calls me to ask about anything unclear or if xyz is OK, and when I tell her no that's dangerous I don't want you to do it, she accepts it and says OK. She asks me if I'm ok with her doing this or that now in general if there is anything unclear, no argument really. Maybe a little tude sometimes, but meh, she has admitted she is hard headed. She got rid of male friends, etc. without a problem. So big stuff she complies with no problem.

But there are scenarios where she argues over petty things like...

1) She was sick one time and I told her I was coming over to take care of her. She argued with me for an hour on the phone, being adamant I not come, doesn't want me to catch it, her house is dirty, etc. I dominated and went anyways, told her I was hanging up and I would be there in an hour after my meeting. She told me the next day she was happy I came....now mind you she argued with me NOT to come prior to that....

2) It took an hour of asking her to promise me she will tell me she is sick from now on which after an hour of no, no, no, 500 no's she finally gave in and promised.

2) I wanted to get the address of where she is working right now for a project she is working on so I can send her food on days she doesn't get the chance to eat due to her busy schedule, or even flowers on valentines day. She would bring me food all the time at my house when I was working so I wanted to return the favor. She said she doesn't want anything from me, even for her birthday, etc. I asked her REPEATEDLY for the suite number (I have the street address since we share location info from phones) but she said she doesn't want me to spend my money on her. This goes on for an hour. Finally she says what has been bothering her, which is basically she thinks I said my wealth is more important than our relationship....this stemmed from a conversation about the risk of marriage for me since she brought up engagement a few times early on in our relationship. I never said that, she took it that way because I said if we get divorced I've already lost her so why lose my wealth. She took that to mean money > her. She's more emotional than your typical girl...logic is not her strength or even on her radar...

3) I wanted to go see her for her birthday while she is out of state for the project, and she had told me even when she was here her birthday is not important (her culture apparently) but yet she didn't mind that I made plans for it, had gift ideas, etc. She kept saying I don't need gifts at times etc. She said the same thing for xmas though and when xmas came around, she was happy to give and receive thousands in gifts (she went all out for me and I returned the favor). So she said no don't worry about coming for my birthDAY, we can celebrate when I'm back before I have to return here for work. I told her I want to come down on her birthday anyways, she said I'll have to work all day, just come for the weekend the Friday of my birthweek if you want instead of the Wednesday that's the actual day, she'll feel bad about leaving me in the hotel all day while at work and only being able to hang out after work. Her brother is with her on the trip (they share a room) so even if I don't go, he will at least take her out so it's not like I'm abandoning her if I don't go on her actual birthday but still....she argued so much about this...but as usual I kept arguing with her and dominated so I was going down on her birthday...but then she mentioned she prefers if someone surprises her rather than TELLS her that they are coming, etc. Still, endless argument for days about this one thing...at the end she hinted she wants my coming down to be a surprise...but endless argument about it...

4) She wanted to ask me to go someplace with her for her vehicle service out of state. It's a 3 hour drive. She had even talked to her sister about her being nervous about asking me. Her sister offered to text me to ask me FOR her but she said no I'll ask him. It took her an HOUR on the phone to ask me. She said she is very independent and doesn't like asking anyone for help including her family. Her sister has told her she is too masculine, I told her I agree with her sister...

Point being, she does the important things I ask of her, no male friends, don't be out past this time, let me know if you're going out with the girls and where, etc. but she argues with me for hours over the simplest things. Should I just let these small things go? I told her last night fine, I won't ask you again, I won't send you flowers on valentines day. From now on I told her, I will ask you once and if you say "no" once I'm not going to keep asking you and get 500 no's. I will just not get you anything. She hesitated and didn't like that when I said that. My friend even noticed it who was with me when I was talking to her on the phone....

So am *I* too argumentative with her? I know my friend who overheard our calls said she is the problem, and I agree, but I told him, let's keep perspective, she is doing everything important that I ask of her to protect our relationship and respect my boundaries, but she argues with me over trivial things that would benefit HER by ME doing something for HER....

She admits she is hard headed....she admits she is argumentative. Does she like the chase when I keep asking her until she gives in? It frustrates the crap out of me and I want to hang up on her and have before and she has on me because she doesn't like when I keep pushing. But I told her I will only ask once from now on and if she doesn't tell me I'll not ask her again and she won't get anything from me for her birthday or Valentines day...she hesitated when I said that...

Those things are only important because you are insecure.