sangheilios
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2018
- Messages
- 2,586
- Reaction score
- 2,629
- Age
- 34
I've long suspected this, but relatively recently I've finally come to full realization and acceptance that my very abusive young years have rendered dating, relationships and anything to do with women a near complete impossibility for me for years.
My young childhood was relatively normal but by around age 10 this had changed after my parents had gotten a divorce, which resulted in a slow downwards spiral. From 10-13 I had a tough time but was still pretty normal but in the 8th grade after moving to a new/small town and becoming a complete social outcast from the local kids it put me on a path of no return. At school I was constantly criticized by these losers, constantly told how ugly and weird I was and that no one would ever want to date me. Then I'd go home to an emotionally abusive step parent who seemed to gain sadistic pleasure from getting me upset and putting me down all the time.
I remember in 8th grade writing class, at age 13, the teacher wanted us to write about what we thought we'd be like as adults. Internally I realized that there was no one out there for me and that I was destined to be alone and remember writing about having a nice place, comfort, material success, etc. but having absolutely no one. While I can look back and say that is very sad, I also find it interesting that at such a young age I had a strong grasp as to what was in store for me later on.
The only good thing that happened to me whilst in high school was getting a job as a metal worker and carpenter's assistant, was with the same employer, and I was making some serious bank. My boss would regularly praise me and I actually felt a great sense of pride knowing someone appreciated me. He would take me out to lunch, buy me presents for my birthday, Christmas.
I had one high school history teacher who randomly had a serious problem with me, I never said anything so it what it was about I have no idea, and she wanted to talk to me outside of class one day. She was talking **** and then asked me if I had a job, which I then proceeded to fill her in on but only to say that my job "didn't count". I was only 15 at the time but again just another piece of **** adult who sought to abuse me out of spite or who knows what.
When I was a senior in high school I started lifting/working out and quickly developed a very nice physique, was strong, fit, etc. Besides my job in high school, this was one of the defining moments that gave me a sense of pride, accomplishment and purpose. I had some kids call me fat and constantly pick apart my appearance even more so when this started, so it encouraged me to work even harder. My idiot stepfather also did the same thing, so I couldn't escape any of this.
I remember through my late teens and early 20s I had a chip on my shoulder, I didn't want to talk to anyone and all I wanted was to work on self improvement, working hard etc I had some very traumatic and life changing experiences in my early twenties that made this even more challenging for me, something I won't get into on here right now. I didn't even go on my first date until I was 27, April 2017, and even now feel like I'm just not capable of getting women to like me.
At 29 now I feel that whenever I interact with a woman that I'm under a microscope and that they are looking for reasons to reject me, just like all those people did years ago. I can actually look back to recent times and say that many women were actually into me at first but after interacting one on one they knew something wasn't right and rejected me. Things didn't really start getting better for me though until I got a good group of guy friends, which didn't happen until about a year ago. These guys are also the first friends I've had since I was a young kid, so bringing them into my life was hugely important.
My young childhood was relatively normal but by around age 10 this had changed after my parents had gotten a divorce, which resulted in a slow downwards spiral. From 10-13 I had a tough time but was still pretty normal but in the 8th grade after moving to a new/small town and becoming a complete social outcast from the local kids it put me on a path of no return. At school I was constantly criticized by these losers, constantly told how ugly and weird I was and that no one would ever want to date me. Then I'd go home to an emotionally abusive step parent who seemed to gain sadistic pleasure from getting me upset and putting me down all the time.
I remember in 8th grade writing class, at age 13, the teacher wanted us to write about what we thought we'd be like as adults. Internally I realized that there was no one out there for me and that I was destined to be alone and remember writing about having a nice place, comfort, material success, etc. but having absolutely no one. While I can look back and say that is very sad, I also find it interesting that at such a young age I had a strong grasp as to what was in store for me later on.
The only good thing that happened to me whilst in high school was getting a job as a metal worker and carpenter's assistant, was with the same employer, and I was making some serious bank. My boss would regularly praise me and I actually felt a great sense of pride knowing someone appreciated me. He would take me out to lunch, buy me presents for my birthday, Christmas.
I had one high school history teacher who randomly had a serious problem with me, I never said anything so it what it was about I have no idea, and she wanted to talk to me outside of class one day. She was talking **** and then asked me if I had a job, which I then proceeded to fill her in on but only to say that my job "didn't count". I was only 15 at the time but again just another piece of **** adult who sought to abuse me out of spite or who knows what.
When I was a senior in high school I started lifting/working out and quickly developed a very nice physique, was strong, fit, etc. Besides my job in high school, this was one of the defining moments that gave me a sense of pride, accomplishment and purpose. I had some kids call me fat and constantly pick apart my appearance even more so when this started, so it encouraged me to work even harder. My idiot stepfather also did the same thing, so I couldn't escape any of this.
I remember through my late teens and early 20s I had a chip on my shoulder, I didn't want to talk to anyone and all I wanted was to work on self improvement, working hard etc I had some very traumatic and life changing experiences in my early twenties that made this even more challenging for me, something I won't get into on here right now. I didn't even go on my first date until I was 27, April 2017, and even now feel like I'm just not capable of getting women to like me.
At 29 now I feel that whenever I interact with a woman that I'm under a microscope and that they are looking for reasons to reject me, just like all those people did years ago. I can actually look back to recent times and say that many women were actually into me at first but after interacting one on one they knew something wasn't right and rejected me. Things didn't really start getting better for me though until I got a good group of guy friends, which didn't happen until about a year ago. These guys are also the first friends I've had since I was a young kid, so bringing them into my life was hugely important.