Abusive childhood/teenage years made women an impossibility for me (long read)

sangheilios

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I've long suspected this, but relatively recently I've finally come to full realization and acceptance that my very abusive young years have rendered dating, relationships and anything to do with women a near complete impossibility for me for years.

My young childhood was relatively normal but by around age 10 this had changed after my parents had gotten a divorce, which resulted in a slow downwards spiral. From 10-13 I had a tough time but was still pretty normal but in the 8th grade after moving to a new/small town and becoming a complete social outcast from the local kids it put me on a path of no return. At school I was constantly criticized by these losers, constantly told how ugly and weird I was and that no one would ever want to date me. Then I'd go home to an emotionally abusive step parent who seemed to gain sadistic pleasure from getting me upset and putting me down all the time.

I remember in 8th grade writing class, at age 13, the teacher wanted us to write about what we thought we'd be like as adults. Internally I realized that there was no one out there for me and that I was destined to be alone and remember writing about having a nice place, comfort, material success, etc. but having absolutely no one. While I can look back and say that is very sad, I also find it interesting that at such a young age I had a strong grasp as to what was in store for me later on.

The only good thing that happened to me whilst in high school was getting a job as a metal worker and carpenter's assistant, was with the same employer, and I was making some serious bank. My boss would regularly praise me and I actually felt a great sense of pride knowing someone appreciated me. He would take me out to lunch, buy me presents for my birthday, Christmas.

I had one high school history teacher who randomly had a serious problem with me, I never said anything so it what it was about I have no idea, and she wanted to talk to me outside of class one day. She was talking **** and then asked me if I had a job, which I then proceeded to fill her in on but only to say that my job "didn't count". I was only 15 at the time but again just another piece of **** adult who sought to abuse me out of spite or who knows what.

When I was a senior in high school I started lifting/working out and quickly developed a very nice physique, was strong, fit, etc. Besides my job in high school, this was one of the defining moments that gave me a sense of pride, accomplishment and purpose. I had some kids call me fat and constantly pick apart my appearance even more so when this started, so it encouraged me to work even harder. My idiot stepfather also did the same thing, so I couldn't escape any of this.

I remember through my late teens and early 20s I had a chip on my shoulder, I didn't want to talk to anyone and all I wanted was to work on self improvement, working hard etc I had some very traumatic and life changing experiences in my early twenties that made this even more challenging for me, something I won't get into on here right now. I didn't even go on my first date until I was 27, April 2017, and even now feel like I'm just not capable of getting women to like me.

At 29 now I feel that whenever I interact with a woman that I'm under a microscope and that they are looking for reasons to reject me, just like all those people did years ago. I can actually look back to recent times and say that many women were actually into me at first but after interacting one on one they knew something wasn't right and rejected me. Things didn't really start getting better for me though until I got a good group of guy friends, which didn't happen until about a year ago. These guys are also the first friends I've had since I was a young kid, so bringing them into my life was hugely important.
 

Chev.Chelios

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wow, very similar to my upbringing.

normal parents until 11, mom left for another man across the country and gutted me my whole teenage years, dad left me by myself the whole time, never had adult telling me what to do since i was 11 years old. i ended up living at my friends houses, mostly lost but still had fun. i was forced to go to school and kept quitting for the same reasons you mentioned.

i was out by 9th grade for good and commited myself as a loner, started making money by myself, finding girls by myself. did everything by myself.

riding bmx was what saved me ultimately because I got really good at it and you're able to make friends in any city you visit,

anyway.. to truely move on and let go of the horrible experience of suffering and being alone while everybody gangs up and kicks the chit out of you at such younge age, with no-one their to help or protect you..

you have to realize that mainstream society is a fvcking TOXIC wasteland and complete utter sh!t.

the people that have abused you emotionally will not have good futures I promise you.

being 26 now, everybody I knew when I was a teenager is neither a drug addict, in jail, miserably married, divorced, single parents that hate life. no-one really I used to know made it to be a good happy person.

this means that you were subject to a toxic environment of nasty loser azz people you had no business being around. you were legally forced to go and endure it. no other way out but to wait until your 18 and gtfo and go find better people to associate with.
 

Trump

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Bro that’s nothing, A little emotional abuse here and there. I’ve been through way way worse, but who wants to cry me a river.

All you got to know is the world revolves around momey. Money is power, money is health, money is the difference between life and death.
 

Fruitbat

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I got sexually abused by a woman when I was between the ages of 6-9. Has made sex difficult, but I found that therapy and talking makes it worse. Time heals it. In fact I have been dating since I was 15. I never internalised it as abuse, the shame was so great I just buried it.

Best course of action for me was to completely forget it and look to the future, have faith it will be OK and believe things will improve. If you talk about it too much you’ll just never get out of it.

The only thing talking therapy did for me was make me realise it wasn’t my fault. Once I had that 2nd opinion I was a lot better.

So, don’t worry pal. You need to work on belief and stop self limiting behaviour.

Because my experiences as a child were based on giving another pleasure, I found myself extremely selfish as an adult lover. I didn’t want to give a woman pleasure as it brought it all back.

Now, I take it as a personal challenge to not have a happy and sharing sex life robbed from me. I will not have my life impacted by it.

Massive share I know, but I’ve come to terms with it and no longer feel any shame.
 

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markfromeurope

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At 29 now I feel that whenever I interact with a woman that I'm under a microscope and that they are looking for reasons to reject me, just like all those people did years ago. I can actually look back to recent times and say that many women were actually into me at first but after interacting one on one they knew something wasn't right and rejected me. Things didn't really start getting better for me though until I got a good group of guy friends, which didn't happen until about a year ago. These guys are also the first friends I've had since I was a young kid, so bringing them into my life was hugely important.
It's all subjective really, you need to like yourself for who you are and actually be a caring person to be a strong person as well.

This part you wrote about today in this thread - consider it a shadow part of yourself, shadow part is often incredibly durable foundations for building your personality.

The most important thing is to accept that it was as it was. Once you will shrug it off, you will stop living on a victim mentality. It's paralysing, don't build on victim mentality. Don't think it over and over again. It does not matter for your current aims and purpose. Don't run to psychologists for advice if you are not down in the dumpsters with your mood.

Talk to some friend or write on this forum instead.
Hit gym.
Use any means available to go and meet women.
Try to find male friends as well, engage in some hobbies.

You will eventually find one that will like you for who you are (just don't run with PUA bulls.hit on her too much, seduction is one thing, being PUAdouche is another)

When I was young I was physically disciplined by my father and afraid of him until I was 15 or so. I was constantly falling in love in women because even if my mother was a good person, she wasn't affectionate and I was looking for woman's love unsuccesfully for large part of my young life. I broke up twice with great girls in high school and in college before having sex with them and they didn't understand why I did it and I did it because deep down in my heart I was that boy that was beaten with my father's leather military belt and together with pain went some part of my dignity and self-worth. I was unhappy half of my high school. I'm quite sure it's why I'm too emotional than I'd like to be sometimes but that's how it is and I can use it to my advantage (it's called 'internalising your shadow').

You need to understand that with damage comes also revival and it's up to you to decide if you want to stay damaged eventually.

Biggest issue of current society is telling people that they cannot make it on your own. Well if you have no suicidal thoughts coming back to you constantly, my guess is YOU CAN manage it on your own and it's entirely up to you.

Think what you are good at that makes your life better and do it. Train, educate yourself further, meet people, try to broaden your social circle, try to be positive about yourself.

It's the only way you will fight off depressive thoughts. Don't try to force this idea onto yourself that "You're not enough". On the contrary mate. From what I read you are certainly a smart guy with decent EQ that can really be somebody if he wants to. Remember that amount of damage taken kind of affects your potential to be great as well. That's why you need to decide if you treat it as experience that can be used for your own purpose ('internalise shadow'/'accept your experience'/'your experience does not define you') or succumb to it and run from one doc to another with your 'broken mentality' (like average person mentality is something healthy, right...)

It's about analysing yourself and moving on on your terms. Life is a b.itch but you can create one for yourself or cry that it's too much for you to hadle. I'd kind of go with the former option but the choice is yours.
 

marmel75

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Stop using this as an excuse and decide you want it to change. You are enabling your own failures.
 

DEEZEDBRAH

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I've long suspected this, but relatively recently I've finally come to full realization and acceptance that my very abusive young years have rendered dating, relationships and anything to do with women a near complete impossibility for me for years.

My young childhood was relatively normal but by around age 10 this had changed after my parents had gotten a divorce, which resulted in a slow downwards spiral. From 10-13 I had a tough time but was still pretty normal but in the 8th grade after moving to a new/small town and becoming a complete social outcast from the local kids it put me on a path of no return. At school I was constantly criticized by these losers, constantly told how ugly and weird I was and that no one would ever want to date me. Then I'd go home to an emotionally abusive step parent who seemed to gain sadistic pleasure from getting me upset and putting me down all the time.

I remember in 8th grade writing class, at age 13, the teacher wanted us to write about what we thought we'd be like as adults. Internally I realized that there was no one out there for me and that I was destined to be alone and remember writing about having a nice place, comfort, material success, etc. but having absolutely no one. While I can look back and say that is very sad, I also find it interesting that at such a young age I had a strong grasp as to what was in store for me later on.

The only good thing that happened to me whilst in high school was getting a job as a metal worker and carpenter's assistant, was with the same employer, and I was making some serious bank. My boss would regularly praise me and I actually felt a great sense of pride knowing someone appreciated me. He would take me out to lunch, buy me presents for my birthday, Christmas.

I had one high school history teacher who randomly had a serious problem with me, I never said anything so it what it was about I have no idea, and she wanted to talk to me outside of class one day. She was talking **** and then asked me if I had a job, which I then proceeded to fill her in on but only to say that my job "didn't count". I was only 15 at the time but again just another piece of **** adult who sought to abuse me out of spite or who knows what.

When I was a senior in high school I started lifting/working out and quickly developed a very nice physique, was strong, fit, etc. Besides my job in high school, this was one of the defining moments that gave me a sense of pride, accomplishment and purpose. I had some kids call me fat and constantly pick apart my appearance even more so when this started, so it encouraged me to work even harder. My idiot stepfather also did the same thing, so I couldn't escape any of this.

I remember through my late teens and early 20s I had a chip on my shoulder, I didn't want to talk to anyone and all I wanted was to work on self improvement, working hard etc I had some very traumatic and life changing experiences in my early twenties that made this even more challenging for me, something I won't get into on here right now. I didn't even go on my first date until I was 27, April 2017, and even now feel like I'm just not capable of getting women to like me.

At 29 now I feel that whenever I interact with a woman that I'm under a microscope and that they are looking for reasons to reject me, just like all those people did years ago. I can actually look back to recent times and say that many women were actually into me at first but after interacting one on one they knew something wasn't right and rejected me. Things didn't really start getting better for me though until I got a good group of guy friends, which didn't happen until about a year ago. These guys are also the first friends I've had since I was a young kid, so bringing them into my life was hugely important.
Check TM (transformation mastery) or something trauma based healing.

Things like yoga, meditation, self-care routines like the gym, diet, lifestyle etc have healing properties.

Similar to the college bubble, most people are lazy as ****kkk. They won't do the work. They need to be dragged kicking around and screaming before spoon fed. The information is out there. Most degrees are useless and entirely unnecessary to incur debt that bankruptcy cannot eradicate.

Pickup is not college. Its not tinder. Rubbish of thumb swipe and hoping to pull via sloth. Times have changed. Obv it allows you to meet abundance of women the way cold approach would take eons. IMHO cold approach takes hella long but lead generation and prospects are less throw away or so i found..

Put work in. meditation, gym, meal prep, self-care routines, yoga, etc have been a staple for me in my life. Prayer is another important thing. Find out your path. Know thy self.

TM maybe helpful if you can get past low testosterone and a serious amount of cucks wimpering. There is a lot of trauma these days but a lot of victimhood. A lot of false accusations and and moralising, virtue signaling. TM death meditation is next level. Outside a dmt trip, its one of the most profound guided meditation you can ever do. Try it. You're dead. Its over. All your bull**** stories, excuses and cra0 is over. But what if you could comeback. What would you do?

I explore consciousness. I trip. I smoke dmt. I enjoy a ayahuasca retreat. I have been stuck in a bardo. Read tibetan book of the dead. Read the manual by Tim leary.

People are people who are capable of operating in their levels of consciousness or lack thereof. Heal your body. Get a life. Rest. Grow a pair. Get a life. Grab life by the balls and run with it. Get on your purpose. Get baeeeees. Get up. Go.

You don't know where to begin? Start here. Now.
 

RickTheToad

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You should see a therapist and work through your issues. You just need to unpack and get your life in order. A lot of things we experience in life as a child have a weird way of popping back up when we are adult. Nothing to be ashamed of. Just seek the right help to help navigate you through this.
 

LARaiders85

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Takes a lot of courage to be open my friend, you will get there. Attracting women can become so easy that you will even use it as a drug to self medicate the other issues and it'll become a whole new problem lol
 

sangheilios

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It's all subjective really, you need to like yourself for who you are and actually be a caring person to be a strong person as well.

This part you wrote about today in this thread - consider it a shadow part of yourself, shadow part is often incredibly durable foundations for building your personality.

The most important thing is to accept that it was as it was. Once you will shrug it off, you will stop living on a victim mentality. It's paralysing, don't build on victim mentality. Don't think it over and over again. It does not matter for your current aims and purpose. Don't run to psychologists for advice if you are not down in the dumpsters with your mood.

Talk to some friend or write on this forum instead.
Hit gym.
Use any means available to go and meet women.
Try to find male friends as well, engage in some hobbies.

You will eventually find one that will like you for who you are (just don't run with PUA bulls.hit on her too much, seduction is one thing, being PUAdouche is another)

When I was young I was physically disciplined by my father and afraid of him until I was 15 or so. I was constantly falling in love in women because even if my mother was a good person, she wasn't affectionate and I was looking for woman's love unsuccesfully for large part of my young life. I broke up twice with great girls in high school and in college before having sex with them and they didn't understand why I did it and I did it because deep down in my heart I was that boy that was beaten with my father's leather military belt and together with pain went some part of my dignity and self-worth. I was unhappy half of my high school. I'm quite sure it's why I'm too emotional than I'd like to be sometimes but that's how it is and I can use it to my advantage (it's called 'internalising your shadow').

You need to understand that with damage comes also revival and it's up to you to decide if you want to stay damaged eventually.

Biggest issue of current society is telling people that they cannot make it on your own. Well if you have no suicidal thoughts coming back to you constantly, my guess is YOU CAN manage it on your own and it's entirely up to you.

Think what you are good at that makes your life better and do it. Train, educate yourself further, meet people, try to broaden your social circle, try to be positive about yourself.

It's the only way you will fight off depressive thoughts. Don't try to force this idea onto yourself that "You're not enough". On the contrary mate. From what I read you are certainly a smart guy with decent EQ that can really be somebody if he wants to. Remember that amount of damage taken kind of affects your potential to be great as well. That's why you need to decide if you treat it as experience that can be used for your own purpose ('internalise shadow'/'accept your experience'/'your experience does not define you') or succumb to it and run from one doc to another with your 'broken mentality' (like average person mentality is something healthy, right...)

It's about analysing yourself and moving on on your terms. Life is a b.itch but you can create one for yourself or cry that it's too much for you to hadle. I'd kind of go with the former option but the choice is yours.
I used to see a therapist but looking back on it what I actually needed all along was just a good group of friends who supported me and genuinely liked me as an individual, which was something I was lacking for so many years. I'm actually a pretty normal person so it isn't like I'm in a chronic state of melancholy and can't get out of my own way for anything. I have friends, hobbies, interests, money, etc. I'm starting physical therapy school next year, was going to be this year but certain things didn't line up. Overall I actually have a good life I just couldn't make much happen with the opposite sex, which I feel like I'm ready for right now.

Since I've had my group of friends I've found interacting with women a bit easier, but I still do feel like they are judging me, looking to find flaws, etc. Granted, I know everyone does this to an extent, but the degree to which I feel this way isn't as bad as it used to be. I was surrounded by toxic, unhealthy people for years so I felt as though that was just the norm, and feeling that way would make most want to just avoid that all together.

For example, a while ago I was talking with a girl who actually initiated a conversation with me and seemed into me as I was into her. Anyway, we were talking and then I just couldn't think of anything to say in the moment and felt the loss of attraction come, so I just got up and walked away. As I mentioned on this thread, I feel like I'm on stage and that I can't afford to make any mistakes whilst interacting with women. This is all stemmed from constantly experiencing this for years over and over and over, albeit in a non potentially courting type context.
 
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markfromeurope

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For example, a while ago I was talking with a girl who actually initiated a conversation with me and seemed into me as I was into her. Anyway, we were talking and then I just couldn't think of anything to say in the moment and felt the loss of attraction come, so I just got up and walked away. As I mentioned on this thread, I feel like I'm on stage and that I can't afford to make any mistakes whilst interacting with women. This is all stemmed from constantly experiencing this for years over and over and over, albeit in a non potentially courting type context.
Mate, as I said many times, I'm no alpha, I'm past my interest in PUA, I consider DJ knowledge as a tool only not a 'way of life'. I plan to find a suitable woman for me to have family, I plan to mess up many approaches with women in order to find suitable one, I plan to be led by women to nowhere while trying to led them albeit doing everything I can to prevent it and for sure fail to some extent in spite of all of it.

Defeat and failure is in my plans mostly because I've lost many times in life - I remember I was one of the worst students during my college years amongst my friends yet somehow I'm slowly outpacing some of them in career - mostly because my total skill level dwarfs their money, their skill level and simply put being lazy as phuck I'm just smarter than them and I've internalised defeat to the point of being accustomed to it and going forward again and again, no matter what's thrown at me because I had to - there was no friendly hand around, I was perceived as "that guy that will achieve nothing exceptional".

Well I already felt several times that those guys with SMV 5/10 wives from college years that they married to have constant supply of ***** look with envy on me. Mostly because I start to live dream they had about themselves years ago and now slowly the underdog shows its strenght.

You will phuck-up many times. You will get defeated many times. You will get outsmarted many times. But it's ain't over till you say so - and sheer force of this belief will create your self-respect eventually.
 

Who Dares Win

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Cant give you any suggestion awfully, I can relate with many things you say and in my case too I'm not totally fine mentally.

For me the damage is not made in the terms you talk about but more into a paranoid state tha prevents me to bond with the girls I date.

I lost many great girls cause of my inability to bond with them while at the same time I never had a girl to take advantage of me cause it takes me 3 secs to drop any girl any time, same with friends or acquaintances.

Given a great job with great benefits I could drop all the people I know now and take an airplace to never come back, it may be a great thing for a criminal but surely nothing sane for a normal person.

The only suggestion I can give you is to drop anything and anyone toxic in your life, get rid of them and dont even bother to look back.
 

sosousage

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I've long suspected this, but relatively recently I've finally come to full realization and acceptance that my very abusive young years have rendered dating, relationships and anything to do with women a near complete impossibility for me for years.

My young childhood was relatively normal but by around age 10 this had changed after my parents had gotten a divorce, which resulted in a slow downwards spiral. From 10-13 I had a tough time but was still pretty normal but in the 8th grade after moving to a new/small town and becoming a complete social outcast from the local kids it put me on a path of no return. At school I was constantly criticized by these losers, constantly told how ugly and weird I was and that no one would ever want to date me. Then I'd go home to an emotionally abusive step parent who seemed to gain sadistic pleasure from getting me upset and putting me down all the time.

I remember in 8th grade writing class, at age 13, the teacher wanted us to write about what we thought we'd be like as adults. Internally I realized that there was no one out there for me and that I was destined to be alone and remember writing about having a nice place, comfort, material success, etc. but having absolutely no one. While I can look back and say that is very sad, I also find it interesting that at such a young age I had a strong grasp as to what was in store for me later on.

The only good thing that happened to me whilst in high school was getting a job as a metal worker and carpenter's assistant, was with the same employer, and I was making some serious bank. My boss would regularly praise me and I actually felt a great sense of pride knowing someone appreciated me. He would take me out to lunch, buy me presents for my birthday, Christmas.

I had one high school history teacher who randomly had a serious problem with me, I never said anything so it what it was about I have no idea, and she wanted to talk to me outside of class one day. She was talking **** and then asked me if I had a job, which I then proceeded to fill her in on but only to say that my job "didn't count". I was only 15 at the time but again just another piece of **** adult who sought to abuse me out of spite or who knows what.

When I was a senior in high school I started lifting/working out and quickly developed a very nice physique, was strong, fit, etc. Besides my job in high school, this was one of the defining moments that gave me a sense of pride, accomplishment and purpose. I had some kids call me fat and constantly pick apart my appearance even more so when this started, so it encouraged me to work even harder. My idiot stepfather also did the same thing, so I couldn't escape any of this.

I remember through my late teens and early 20s I had a chip on my shoulder, I didn't want to talk to anyone and all I wanted was to work on self improvement, working hard etc I had some very traumatic and life changing experiences in my early twenties that made this even more challenging for me, something I won't get into on here right now. I didn't even go on my first date until I was 27, April 2017, and even now feel like I'm just not capable of getting women to like me.

At 29 now I feel that whenever I interact with a woman that I'm under a microscope and that they are looking for reasons to reject me, just like all those people did years ago. I can actually look back to recent times and say that many women were actually into me at first but after interacting one on one they knew something wasn't right and rejected me. Things didn't really start getting better for me though until I got a good group of guy friends, which didn't happen until about a year ago. These guys are also the first friends I've had since I was a young kid, so bringing them into my life was hugely important.
so you do gym you have good job and friends and still cant get girl?
 

sangheilios

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Cant give you any suggestion awfully, I can relate with many things you say and in my case too I'm not totally fine mentally.

For me the damage is not made in the terms you talk about but more into a paranoid state tha prevents me to bond with the girls I date.

I lost many great girls cause of my inability to bond with them while at the same time I never had a girl to take advantage of me cause it takes me 3 secs to drop any girl any time, same with friends or acquaintances.

Given a great job with great benefits I could drop all the people I know now and take an airplace to never come back, it may be a great thing for a criminal but surely nothing sane for a normal person.

The only suggestion I can give you is to drop anything and anyone toxic in your life, get rid of them and dont even bother to look back.
I already did that a long time ago, all the people I have in my life are solid individuals. I don't get stressed about anything and my life overall is on a very solid path.

However, as was mentioned this is primarily about women. With random people I don't really care about what they think about me but when I'm trying to make something happen with a woman I'm interested in I do in fact care. I'm not desperately seeking approval from them, but what I do feel, which I mentioned to a previous poster, was that I'm being closely judged and criticized for every minute detail.

For instance, last summer I was on a date with a girl, we were at a local mini golf place, and I was having a really good time. We were sitting down on one of the benches waiting to use the next course and then she randomly asks how many relationships I've had, which I've never had at all. I deflected the question but then from there I felt the judgement and looking for excuses to not go out with me again.
 
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Who Dares Win

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I already did that a long time ago, all the people I have in my life are solid individuals. I don't get stressed about anything and my life overall is on a very solid path.

However, as was mentioned this is primarily about women. With random people I don't really care about what they think about me but when I'm trying to make something happen with a woman I'm interested in I do in fact care. I'm not desperately seeking approval from them, but what I do feel, which I mentioned to a previous poster, was that I'm being closely judged and criticized for every minute detail.
Thats because in current time women operate that way, they test you and seek any possible weakness you have.

You may feel it bigger that what really is but what you see its not unreal, we are gauged anytime we deal with women.

They have so many option despite their overall average lack of value that they can filter with the most ridicolous demands.

Its hard to say to which degree its you or the environment, the sure things is that your past makes you more sensitive toward it.
 

sangheilios

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Thats because in current time women operate that way, they test you and seek any possible weakness you have.

You may feel it bigger that what really is but what you see its not unreal, we are gauged anytime we deal with women.

They have so many option despite their overall average lack of value that they can filter with the most ridicolous demands.

Its hard to say to which degree its you or the environment, the sure things is that your past makes you more sensitive toward it.
I'm definitely aware that this is the case, but as you mentioned I feel based on my past experiences that I may be way more sensitive to it compared to other men. I do agree about the overabundance of options despite average or below value, which is the reason why I avoid OLD all together.

I'm 6'4", I'm naturally broad shouldered and fit. Other people, mostly guys, often comment to me that I'm an attractive guy, not even friends. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I'm college educated, have money, have a good group of guy friends, have hobbies and interests and going to be starting physical therapy school next year. I do know that very few guys have all that going for them, and I'm saying this as a factual statement and not as bragging.
 

markfromeurope

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For instance, last summer I was on a date with a girl, we were at a local mini golf place, and I was having a really good time. We were sitting down on one of the benches waiting to use the next course and then she randomly asks how many relationships I've had, which I've never had at all. I deflected the question but then from there I felt the judgement and looking for excuses to not go out with me again.
Next time lie. I was asked "how many women I had before" right before I phucked my first.

I said "several" and proceeded with 45 seconds of lousy first time phucking that reminded me of worst case of russian pornographic movie you can watch on the internet. Couple weeks after that her boyfriend wanted to kill me.

So you know, life is one big joke sometimes.
 

sangheilios

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Next time lie. I was asked "how many women I had before" right before I phucked my first.

I said "several" and proceeded with 45 seconds of lousy first time phucking that reminded me of worst case of russian pornographic movie you can watch on the internet. Couple weeks after that her boyfriend wanted to kill me.

So you know, life is one big joke sometimes.
That was a while ago but I did sort of lie as a deflection, "not as many as some would think". I personally would never bother to ask something like that so it took me by surprise, just seems like such an unnecessary question that is overly personal and comes across as insecure, especially on a first date with someoen you met at a country bar.
 

DEEZEDBRAH

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Mate, as I said many times, I'm no alpha, I'm past my interest in PUA, I consider DJ knowledge as a tool only not a 'way of life'. I plan to find a suitable woman for me to have family, I plan to mess up many approaches with women in order to find suitable one, I plan to be led by women to nowhere while trying to led them albeit doing everything I can to prevent it and for sure fail to some extent in spite of all of it.

Defeat and failure is in my plans mostly because I've lost many times in life - I remember I was one of the worst students during my college years amongst my friends yet somehow I'm slowly outpacing some of them in career - mostly because my total skill level dwarfs their money, their skill level and simply put being lazy as phuck I'm just smarter than them and I've internalised defeat to the point of being accustomed to it and going forward again and again, no matter what's thrown at me because I had to - there was no friendly hand around, I was perceived as "that guy that will achieve nothing exceptional".

Well I already felt several times that those guys with SMV 5/10 wives from college years that they married to have constant supply of ***** look with envy on me. Mostly because I start to live dream they had about themselves years ago and now slowly the underdog shows its strenght.

You will phuck-up many times. You will get defeated many times. You will get outsmarted many times. But it's ain't over till you say so - and sheer force of this belief will create your self-respect eventually.
Nice post.

Exposure to absurd amount of women is a ideal path to reenter leverage and balance. Women are gatekeeper of sex. The ideal patj for the pursuit is choice.

Ie skull **** a chick mid week and go get more baeeeees.

Unlimited sexual access ftw.

Vet from here from choice. Preferably top form SMV 18-23. As on, pushes her chips in calling All In during best yrs. Fraudin otherwise.


Check Gene warfare series by Molyneux. R vs k spectrum and the outcomes are unreal.
 
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