A little insight/advice

[IHateIllogicalPeople]

Hey, 30 yr old male here in NYC. Well employed, money is no problem, brand new Benz S class etc

3 months ago I met this 22 yr old at a bar. Sitting alone. Simple drink.

We kicked off good, asked for her number she said she doesn't give it out like that. We talked for a few hours. Dropped her home, before she left the car she gave me her number.

Over the next month, every single night, she wanted to meet. Became obsessed with me (in a good not clinging way), messages, calls, wanting to meet, sexual stuff in car etc

For a month her life became her work and then seeing me at night late night.

One night she shows up to a bar/hookah lounge she knows I hang out at. She came out of the blue, alone, without telling or asking me. That place is my spot, she knows it. The people there know me. She knows they know me.

I get pissed and dont react to her. She sits across the room and slowly changes tables until shes 15 feet away. Im with my boy. She keeps talking to him about me.

I ignore and watch a movie. She is drunk and starts discussing her sex life with the guy I was sitting with. He trolls her for like 30 mins

Evetually I get up to leave and she comes with me. I drop her off at 4am, no words exchanged

5am she texts me:

Her : are you ok
Me: yeah
Her: didnt seem like it, you didnt talk to me at all

I leave her on read.

6am, she texts:

Her: im worried about you
Me : why
Her: its just that the whole night you looked super sad/depressed/mad at me and didnt even say hi to me or let me hug you

I said im good, stfu and sleep

Over the next week random messages and less contact.

I tell her to meet that week because I wanted to vent.

We met in my car, I kinda lectured her about social respect and boundaries , about how we aren't dating but that doesn't mean she can talk sexual about her life to people I sit and hang out with.

The entire 30 mins she was quiet and accepted ahe was wrong. After some silence she started sucking my finger and we kissed and I dropped her off.

Over the days and weeks to come, we exchanged messages etc but I didnt offer to meet and surprisely she didnt offer to meet (which is weird because she was calling me to meet EVERY NIGHT prior to the lecture).


I think i might have scared her off.

2 weeks ago, she sent me a snap of herself
Me: heyyy little girl how you been you look good
Her: heyyy ,misss you! Been busy with work and family
Her: i like when you call me little girl

Random messages.

That night on a thursday, I asked her "when are you free lets meet up tonight". She said "maybe Saturday if you want?" I said ok let me know Saturday

Saturday came and went by. We didnt meet. No message from her or me.

Since then, again, random snaps and messages but we haven't met yet


I've been keeping it "same energy" or less, but I guess I should ask to mee again, more directly and planned this time. So any advice how I should thread it forward?


Mind you, before the lecture, she was super sexual with me and always the one who initiated messages calls and meetings

 

[Plinco]

We met in my car, I kinda lectured her about social respect and boundaries , about how we aren't dating but that doesn't mean she can talk sexual about her life to people I sit and hang out with.

So you're not dating but you expect her to be exclusive with you?

Two possibilities are either this is a passive aggressive way to "break up" with you, or to get you to commit to her more, maybe because she wants you to be more exclusive with her.

 

[BPH]

I get pissed and dont react to her. She sits across the room and slowly changes tables until shes 15 feet away. Im with my boy. She keeps talking to him about me.

You could've avoided everything you wrote after this part here if you had just acknowledged her and told her, "Sorry, not tonight".

Instead, you ignored her, let her spend the entire night getting drunk and chatting to your boy about her sex life, and then meeting up for this "intervention".

Now she wants you to chase her the way she chased you. She doesn't want to make the same mistake with you as she did that night, so the onus is on you to show her that you value her.

Alternatively, you say you're young, wealthy, and in New York - so just meet other women. She may realize her tactic isn't working, and if she REALLY wants you, she'll eventually break her own rules.

Side note: Crazy that you've been registered here for more than 6 years, and this is the first time you post.

 

[crowolf]

She has 0 emotional intelligence to discuss her sex life with your friend, and to come like that into your "man cave space". Let her go, not worth it.

* actually she probably wanted a threesome. there is no other logic around this

 

[Bokanovsky]

Over the next month, every single night, she wanted to meet. Became obsessed with me (in a good not clinging way), messages, calls, wanting to meet, sexual stuff in car etc

What about sexual stuff at your place? It's not clear from your post if you have actually slept together. If the answer is no, it would explain much of this weirdness.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Did you have sex with her? Not sure if you mentioned it.

Either way, all of this falls into the abundance/scarcity and AWALT trap.

With abundance/scarcity, the main premise is that people with an abundance mindset believe there will always be other opportunities and therefore don't tolerate behavior that doesn't meet their standards, whereas people with a scarcity mindset become overly invested in one person because they believe their options are limited. As per AWALT, the premise is that you should assume common patterns of female behavior apply unless an individual consistently proves otherwise through her actions, rather than assuming she's an exception based on your feelings or expectations.

If her behavior really bothered you and made you feel she wasn't LTR material, then the main course of action would have been to accept the situation for what it was and either keep it casual, demote her to a plate/FWB, or move on. The problem is that you tried to correct her behavior and set boundaries while still expecting the same level of interest and pursuit she had before. Since you two weren't exclusive, she had no obligation to change her behavior or continue chasing you after the lecture. If her desire to continue seeing you isn't strong enough after that interaction, then you have to accept that the relationship has changed or that she may have other options. Ultimately, it should be her own decision to change the way she behaves because she values the relationship and wants your commitment; if that motivation isn't strong enough, then she may simply choose to pursue other options.

 

[The Duke]

One night she shows up to a bar/hookah lounge she knows I hang out at. She came out of the blue, alone, without telling or asking me. That place is my spot, she knows it. The people there know me. She knows they know me.

I get pissed and dont react to her. She sits across the room and slowly changes tables until shes 15 feet away. Im with my boy. She keeps talking to him about me.

I ignore and watch a movie. She is drunk and starts discussing her sex life with the guy I was sitting with. He trolls her for like 30 mins

So what is it exactly that made you mad? That fact that she showed up unannounced? She sat down with you and your friend? I'm confused.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

I dont think she is worth this mental energy. Just replace the plate, should be easy enough for a guy in his early 30s with money.

 

[Gamisch]

Bruh..

If you really are "that guy" then there's no need to be passive aggressive like this.

She is just a silly girl trying to be around you. If she's somewhat good-looking there's no reason to treat her like this! Even if she ain't good-looking, you could still show some more respect.

Ofcourse she will change her attitude towards you. Now its a matter of time before a new man swoops her up. One that is way more relaxed and easy going, and one that will actually appreciate her efforts.

Treat people how you wanna be treated.

 

[Sega Genesis]

i leave her on read.

6am, she texts:

Her: im worried about you
Me : why
Her: its just that the whole night you looked super sad/depressed/mad at me and didnt even say hi to me or let me hug you

I said im good, stfu and sleep

^^Are you actually into this chick? If so, is the above your standard communication? Did you really tell her to STFU or was that just to sound tough for your boys here?

I can't figure it assuming you really dig her and want something more than late night sex in the car? YOU lead.

What does she do for work that keeps her so busy till late at night? Waitress? Attorney? Lol

And do you ever go out and back to yours (or hers) or is it always the car? You weren't clear on that.

I guess I should ask to meet again, more directly and planned this time. So any advice how I should thread it forward?

Just what you wrote here^^. Ask her out directly, time and place and plan something fun. Again you lead. Versus follow her energy.

P.S. Your profile states you're 36, almost 7 years ago when you joined. Which wouid actually make you 42-43 now? Not sure how SS updates birthdays shown on a profile.

In any event, good luck.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

You don’t sound into this chick at all. So what advice are you really looking for?

She was very into you. To the point she went out looking for you (and found you) at one of your favorite haunts. You treated her very high interest with (at best) medium if not even low interest. No sh1t her behavior is going to change when you do that. You always mirror a chick’s interest. If you don’t, she’s going to move on.

Sounds like you could still meet up with her and salvage something with her — if you really want to. You’re in NYC. There’s so many options why settle something you’re only kind of into though? Sounds like you’d be doing both yourself and her a favor to just move on.

 

[Glassguy]

So no sex and all of this drama? Whats wrong with you dude?

 

[BadBoy89]

Hey, 30 yr old male here in NYC. Well employed, money is no problem, brand new Benz S class etc

Great story OP. Unfortunately it fell apart you said "etc".

 

[IHateIllogicalPeople]

Appreciate the ongoing responses gentlemen! Instead of making many new responses to everyone, Im gonna tag you guys in one post with my responses to you guys.

@Plinco
No we are not dating and I am not trying to be exclusive. She had accepted that she would be a FWB since like the first sexual encounter. I would even test her with things like bringing my other girls to bed with her and she was 100% onboard. Shes not looking for LTR anyways, not with me or anyone else. And neither am I. So thats all good.

@BPH
Yeah a fellow DJer got me on to this site long ago, I used to love reading material here but then I got into a 6 year LTR and had no problems and thus stopped visiting here. But now im back lol

So basically, I fumbled with that "intervention/social respect lecture" is what you're saying.

@crowolf
Yeah she admitted she was wrong for that night but she blamed it on her being drunk and basically told me she'll never go there again, then sucked my finger, kissed etc. So at the time, the "lecture" seemed to go fine (in hindsight i shouldn't have done it but I didnt like the social disrespect)

@Bokanovsky
Yes we have had sex, not as much as she wanted tho (i.e. there would be nights she wanted it bad but I wouldnt give it to her because I was tired/or had a lot on my mind). Like I said, she was always getting on me more than I was on her. And it was all naturally, I didnt have to even try.

@Clockwerk50
So, in other words, I shouldnt have gone through with that setting boundaries talk (im gonna be honest, I've been using the word lecture because I actually did deliver it like a lecture, I put my foot down that night lol. But it seemed to go great! She accepted her mistake, we made out, and before she left she even complimented "how can you look so good even when you're mad?", while caressing my face. The next day and on, BAM, interest declined or at the very least, her games began). Thats what confused me (if its not games).

@The Duke
A combination of her showing up unannounced (which I admit maybe I was wrong for being against, considering she came looking for me), and her sharing her sex life with my friend (like how long shes been active, when's the last time she had sex, what she likes) . Idk if that was to irk me so I would talk to her, like getting a reaction out of me, or her just being dumb drunk (as she stated during the lecture). The guy literally trolled her on.

@Doctor Europeo
I would agree with you 100% if it wasnt the fact that she is/was obsessed with me and is a freak when it comes to sex. She literally initiated all the meetings and would want sex each time. I actually didnt even have to put in any effort lol aside from the first ever meeting

@Gamisch
100% agreed with you. Shes good looking, fit (flexible as fk during sex, I bent her in any way I wanted) and a freak. To only have her a month i feel is a loss for long term FWB (which she gladly accepted). Thats why im trying to salvage this. Extremely low maintenance mind you. She dont care about dinners or anything.

So in your opinion, did I mess up at the lounge part or the lecture part? Or both. My confusion is, even after the lecture, she went home on decent terms , caressing my face and asking me how can I look good even when mad. Next day sending me snaps. Then even though the same week she went sent me a Pic of herself masturbating, she became cold.

@Sega Genesis
Yeah I would say im into her. We have both mutually agreed to be FWB and she's good looking, young, works hard and is a freak during sex. Shes fun and knows how to have good vibes. Always trying to be dominant sexually in the beginning and ends up being submissive.

Unfortunately, I really did tell her to stfu to which she said "ok.." and heart emojid the message.

She works in a hospital. Triage. Gets out 12am. Used to hang out with me until 4am.

As for my age, I joined when my friend introduced me to the website but the DOB entered wasnt correct as I didnt care at the time during sign up process. Im 30.

@Barrister
100% agreed with you. I sound like that because im very laid back/dgaf guy GENERALLY. I've never really had problems with women. Im good at talking and its always been very easy to pull in a girl. But I do admit, I am also type A personality and get ticked off AT ILLOGICAL things (dating or anything in life). What she did I didnt find logical or respectful hence all this happened. Now im a very realistic guy, if i ****ed up, I ****ed up. No harm or shame in admitting.

Any advice on how I should proceed with the plan to meet and what to do during the meetup. I mean I have ideas myself but wouldnt hurt to get you guys opinions on this hence im posting this.

@Glassguy , sex is there. Drama is very passive. She didnt ghost me. Rather went cold and still sends random snaps or messages here. But like I said, when I asked to meet she directed to Saturday a few weeks back and Saturday came and went by.

@BadBoy89
What do you mean it fell apart with etc lol

 

[BPH]

First, congratulations on being the first "new user" to reply to multiple posters without making multiple replies.

@BPH
Yeah a fellow DJer got me on to this site long ago, I used to love reading material here but then I got into a 6 year LTR and had no problems and thus stopped visiting here. But now im back lol

So basically, I fumbled with that "intervention/social respect lecture" is what you're saying.

You definitely overcomplicated a casual relationship by creating problems a serious relationship would have (boundaries, lectures, etc).

Additionally, by her doing this, my thought is that she's only doing the FWB thing because YOU want to, as it sounds like she's more interested in you than you are in her. This is pretty obvious by her managing to basically track you down on a night out with your friend. Unfortunately, that is how FWBs usually go...it's great for a little while, and then somebody either catches feelings, or meets someone else who wants to be more than FWBs.

That said, you probably could've avoided this entire problem by politely taking her aside, explaining that you're here relaxing with your buddy, and telling her that you'd see her on X night instead. The passive-aggressive silent treatment leading to the lecture complicated what should otherwise be a simple and fun arrangement.

Now, instead of having fun, she's playing games and trying to figure out how valuable she is to you. In which case, I stand by my initial advice: either put in a little more effort to see her (for example, you set up a date on Thursday for Saturday, but decided to stay silent, rather than confirm and assure her she would be a priority that night in advance), or go meet other women and see if she comes around.

 

[IHateIllogicalPeople]

So here's a more concise and little more detailed synopsis, with some dates for context: (to the best of my ability)


- April 20th I meet her out of the blue. Same night I get her number

- 19 nights we meet that month into May. All meetings initiated by her, literally all of them. In fact, i have never initiated any meeting except the lecture and the failed follow up meeting.

-2nd ever meeting we kissed. 3rd meeting we started fooling around and after that almost all nights sexual meetings. She would come meet me just for that stuff (i.e. 12am to 4am, private hangout, etc.) Shes never attempted to meet at daytime or dinners or any BS.

- both mutually agreed on FWB.

- shes young, good looking, hardworking (hospital), low maintenance and a freak. Hence the reason im trying not to lose her even though its NYC, many girls out there. But this one was basically handed to me on a golden platter.

- there have been times she would come to my hangout spot and text me "hey, are you there. I can come in or you can come out".

- But that night MAY 26TH 3am, she came in unannounced, when the place was after hours and closed. Then she created that bit of social disrespect I mentioned

- I dropped her off from the lounge/bar and she texted me, asking me if im okay cause I seemed mad/didnt talk to her/didnt hug etc. I didnt respond and she resorted to messaging me on whatsapp to make sure i see it. I said im good and literally tell her to just stfu and go sleep (it was in the bright sky AM at this point). She said ok and heart emojied the stfu message

- that same night may 26th 11pm she sent me a face selfie. I like-emojied it.

- May 31, 4-5 days after that lounge night, at 2am i Tell her to meet me now. She didnt hesitate, said to give me her 30 minutes. What does she do in 30 minutes? GOES TO THE DELI AND BUYS ME ONE OF MY SNACKS i like. She was expecting some sort of talk i guess. She walked 30 mins round trip to make that purchase. I pick her up and we have the talk which lasted about 20 mins or so. She didnt defend herself. She didnt argue. She accepted she was wrong but she did blame it on being drunk . She said she won't ever come again if im not there. And that she'll either sit with me or alone.


- after the lecture, we made out. She kept sucking my finger, then caressed my face while saying "how can you look so good even while you're mad". I reason I mention all this is because I figured the entire thing went good, she was still invested after the lecture, so I called it a night at 4am. Lecture day was May 31st.

The next day I think, she sent a selfie of herself masturbating. We joked about it.


After a few days of random messages, she went cold-ish. Between May 31 lecture and June 25th, She still sent me random snaps but didnt ask me to meet at all. Every day some snap, and once a week a snap of herself.



- June 25th, Thursday, she sent me a picture of herself all dressed up for a wedding. I say "heyyy little girl, you look pretty". She responds "heyy thanks, misssssss you. I like it when you call me little girl" I say "yeah because youre my little girl". She heart emojis it. We exchanged random messages.

That same day, June 25th, I asked her lets meet at night if shes free. She said "couldnt that night , maybe Saturday because she will be off sunday. I said "okay let me know". Saturday June 27th came and passed, no communication from her or my side.

Keeps sending me random messages and snaps from June 29 to July 4th. Neither side asked to meet.


July 4th, I post a fireworks selfie with another girl by the Brooklyn Bridge NYC july 4th fireworks. She sends me a message "Happy 4th of July to you too" even though i hadn't sent her anything.


Today is July 9th.
No sexual meeting since May 24th
No meeting at all since May 31 (lecture night)
No talk of meeting since I last asked (June 25th).

 

[IHateIllogicalPeople]

Too long, didnt read VERSION:

-Met April 20
-Until May 24, sexual meetings. Every single meeting initiated by her
-May 26th, social disrespect night
-May 31st, lecture night
-Between may 31 to June 24, random messages and pics, including masturbating

-June 25th, nice wedding selfie. Tells me she misses me and likes it when I call her little girl. I say cause shes my little girl.

-June 25th, I ask to meet her. She says Saturday (June 27th).

-June 27th comes and goes, no attempt from either side to follow up on the scheduled meeting.

-July 4th, sends me "Happy 4th to you as well" in response to a fireworks Snapchat picture I publicly posted with another girl.

-April 20 the May 24th, sexual meetings
-May 26th, social disrespect
-May 31st, lecture
-June 25th, attempt by me to meet
-Haven't seen her in person since May 31st (lecture night) despite her showing signs of continuing the relationship post lecture (make out, masturbating pic, etc). Thats over a month now.

Again, I have no problem deleting her. I admit I probably messed up and but its an easy freaky FWB handed to me on a platter so if I can salvage it, why not.

Hence the reason for how I should play it out from here, with your guys advice.

Ill make another attempt to meet, but If it still doesn't work, ill move on. I have no problem doing so if I have to.