A little insight/advice

[IHateIllogicalPeople]

Hey, 30 yr old male here in NYC. Well employed, money is no problem, brand new Benz S class etc

3 months ago I met this 22 yr old at a bar. Sitting alone. Simple drink.

We kicked off good, asked for her number she said she doesn't give it out like that. We talked for a few hours. Dropped her home, before she left the car she gave me her number.

Over the next month, every single night, she wanted to meet. Became obsessed with me (in a good not clinging way), messages, calls, wanting to meet, sexual stuff in car etc

For a month her life became her work and then seeing me at night late night.

One night she shows up to a bar/hookah lounge she knows I hang out at. She came out of the blue, alone, without telling or asking me. That place is my spot, she knows it. The people there know me. She knows they know me.

I get pissed and dont react to her. She sits across the room and slowly changes tables until shes 15 feet away. Im with my boy. She keeps talking to him about me.

I ignore and watch a movie. She is drunk and starts discussing her sex life with the guy I was sitting with. He trolls her for like 30 mins

Evetually I get up to leave and she comes with me. I drop her off at 4am, no words exchanged

5am she texts me:

Her : are you ok
Me: yeah
Her: didnt seem like it, you didnt talk to me at all

I leave her on read.

6am, she texts:

Her: im worried about you
Me : why
Her: its just that the whole night you looked super sad/depressed/mad at me and didnt even say hi to me or let me hug you

I said im good, stfu and sleep

Over the next week random messages and less contact.

I tell her to meet that week because I wanted to vent.

We met in my car, I kinda lectured her about social respect and boundaries , about how we aren't dating but that doesn't mean she can talk sexual about her life to people I sit and hang out with.

The entire 30 mins she was quiet and accepted ahe was wrong. After some silence she started sucking my finger and we kissed and I dropped her off.

Over the days and weeks to come, we exchanged messages etc but I didnt offer to meet and surprisely she didnt offer to meet (which is weird because she was calling me to meet EVERY NIGHT prior to the lecture).


I think i might have scared her off.

2 weeks ago, she sent me a snap of herself
Me: heyyy little girl how you been you look good
Her: heyyy ,misss you! Been busy with work and family
Her: i like when you call me little girl

Random messages.

That night on a thursday, I asked her "when are you free lets meet up tonight". She said "maybe Saturday if you want?" I said ok let me know Saturday

Saturday came and went by. We didnt meet. No message from her or me.

Since then, again, random snaps and messages but we haven't met yet


I've been keeping it "same energy" or less, but I guess I should ask to mee again, more directly and planned this time. So any advice how I should thread it forward?


Mind you, before the lecture, she was super sexual with me and always the one who initiated messages calls and meetings

 

[Plinco]

We met in my car, I kinda lectured her about social respect and boundaries , about how we aren't dating but that doesn't mean she can talk sexual about her life to people I sit and hang out with.

So you're not dating but you expect her to be exclusive with you?

Two possibilities are either this is a passive aggressive way to "break up" with you, or to get you to commit to her more, maybe because she wants you to be more exclusive with her.

 

[BPH]

I get pissed and dont react to her. She sits across the room and slowly changes tables until shes 15 feet away. Im with my boy. She keeps talking to him about me.

You could've avoided everything you wrote after this part here if you had just acknowledged her and told her, "Sorry, not tonight".

Instead, you ignored her, let her spend the entire night getting drunk and chatting to your boy about her sex life, and then meeting up for this "intervention".

Now she wants you to chase her the way she chased you. She doesn't want to make the same mistake with you as she did that night, so the onus is on you to show her that you value her.

Alternatively, you say you're young, wealthy, and in New York - so just meet other women. She may realize her tactic isn't working, and if she REALLY wants you, she'll eventually break her own rules.

Side note: Crazy that you've been registered here for more than 6 years, and this is the first time you post.

 

[crowolf]

She has 0 emotional intelligence to discuss her sex life with your friend, and to come like that into your "man cave space". Let her go, not worth it.

* actually she probably wanted a threesome. there is no other logic around this

 

[Bokanovsky]

Over the next month, every single night, she wanted to meet. Became obsessed with me (in a good not clinging way), messages, calls, wanting to meet, sexual stuff in car etc

What about sexual stuff at your place? It's not clear from your post if you have actually slept together. If the answer is no, it would explain much of this weirdness.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Did you have sex with her? Not sure if you mentioned it.

Either way, all of this falls into the abundance/scarcity and AWALT trap.

With abundance/scarcity, the main premise is that people with an abundance mindset believe there will always be other opportunities and therefore don't tolerate behavior that doesn't meet their standards, whereas people with a scarcity mindset become overly invested in one person because they believe their options are limited. As per AWALT, the premise is that you should assume common patterns of female behavior apply unless an individual consistently proves otherwise through her actions, rather than assuming she's an exception based on your feelings or expectations.

If her behavior really bothered you and made you feel she wasn't LTR material, then the main course of action would have been to accept the situation for what it was and either keep it casual, demote her to a plate/FWB, or move on. The problem is that you tried to correct her behavior and set boundaries while still expecting the same level of interest and pursuit she had before. Since you two weren't exclusive, she had no obligation to change her behavior or continue chasing you after the lecture. If her desire to continue seeing you isn't strong enough after that interaction, then you have to accept that the relationship has changed or that she may have other options. Ultimately, it should be her own decision to change the way she behaves because she values the relationship and wants your commitment; if that motivation isn't strong enough, then she may simply choose to pursue other options.

 

[The Duke]

One night she shows up to a bar/hookah lounge she knows I hang out at. She came out of the blue, alone, without telling or asking me. That place is my spot, she knows it. The people there know me. She knows they know me.

I get pissed and dont react to her. She sits across the room and slowly changes tables until shes 15 feet away. Im with my boy. She keeps talking to him about me.

I ignore and watch a movie. She is drunk and starts discussing her sex life with the guy I was sitting with. He trolls her for like 30 mins

So what is it exactly that made you mad? That fact that she showed up unannounced? She sat down with you and your friend? I'm confused.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

I dont think she is worth this mental energy. Just replace the plate, should be easy enough for a guy in his early 30s with money.

 

[Gamisch]

Bruh..

If you really are "that guy" then there's no need to be passive aggressive like this.

She is just a silly girl trying to be around you. If she's somewhat good-looking there's no reason to treat her like this! Even if she ain't good-looking, you could still show some more respect.

Ofcourse she will change her attitude towards you. Now its a matter of time before a new man swoops her up. One that is way more relaxed and easy going, and one that will actually appreciate her efforts.

Treat people how you wanna be treated.

 

[Sega Genesis]

i leave her on read.

6am, she texts:

Her: im worried about you
Me : why
Her: its just that the whole night you looked super sad/depressed/mad at me and didnt even say hi to me or let me hug you

I said im good, stfu and sleep

^^Are you actually into this chick? If so, is the above your standard communication? Did you really tell her to STFU or was that just to sound tough for your boys here?

I can't figure it assuming you really dig her and want something more than late night sex in the car? YOU lead.

What does she do for work that keeps her so busy till late at night? Waitress? Attorney? Lol

And do you ever go out and back to yours (or hers) or is it always the car? You weren't clear on that.

I guess I should ask to meet again, more directly and planned this time. So any advice how I should thread it forward?

Just what you wrote here^^. Ask her out directly, time and place and plan something fun. Again you lead. Versus follow her energy.

P.S. Your profile states you're 36, almost 7 years ago when you joined. Which wouid actually make you 42-43 now? Not sure how SS updates birthdays shown on a profile.

In any event, good luck.