"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
27 and nothing
- Thread starter chancer357
- Start date
"So, What Do You Do for Fun?"
She asks it casually, mid-sip. And you feel the floor open up, because the honest answer is work, gym, and a couple shows you're half-watching.
Women rarely say this out loud, but a man with a life is attractive before he says a word. The guy who spent Saturday deep-sea fishing and came back with photos and a story — he walks in already interesting.
The "22 Rules" pushed me to build a life worth talking about. Turns out the fastest way to be interesting to women is to be interested in your own life first.
chancer357
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Re: continued
For one thing, I don't dance. I won't dance. Its hard enough to even just be in one of those places. I don't care if people say that other people are too busy worrying about themselves to really notice what you are doing, I'm just to selfconscious to even try dancing.
I don't drink.
It is far too loud to even hear yourself talk. So what ends up happening is I sit there or stand there in a corner or something trying to look like I'm having a good time and am just ignoreed. I get to watch girls hang all over the guys who are good looking or who out dancing and/or otherwise acting stupid.
I don't know how you managed to kiss a girl that photographed for playboy. That seems pretty good to me.
There really isn't much to post a "field report" about. I would go somewhere, not be able to do anything and then I would feel worse. That's pretty much how anything will go.
I have and I hated every single second of them.
For one thing, I don't dance. I won't dance. Its hard enough to even just be in one of those places. I don't care if people say that other people are too busy worrying about themselves to really notice what you are doing, I'm just to selfconscious to even try dancing.
I don't drink.
It is far too loud to even hear yourself talk. So what ends up happening is I sit there or stand there in a corner or something trying to look like I'm having a good time and am just ignoreed. I get to watch girls hang all over the guys who are good looking or who out dancing and/or otherwise acting stupid.
I don't know how you managed to kiss a girl that photographed for playboy. That seems pretty good to me.
There really isn't much to post a "field report" about. I would go somewhere, not be able to do anything and then I would feel worse. That's pretty much how anything will go.
chancer357
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Yes.
chancer357
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Re: Re: Re: continued
One part is that the calories freak me out with my eating disorder. Another, is that I have to drink alot to get drunk. It interferes with other medication. And finally, a history of alcholism runs in my family.
"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"
Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."
You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.
She's been waiting forty minutes.
Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.
chancer357
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Not gay.
Hellboy
Senior Don Juan
Man, you're so wrapped up in your determination to believe that you are 'nothing' that you're making it a self fulfilling prophecy. We all have times in our life where we feel just like that. The difference is whether you choose to turn your dispair into determination to change. How many guys on this thread have told you this? If you keep telling yourself "I' just can't" then lo and behold, you won't. You need to break the cycle of self pity. It's self perpetuating.
Trying to jump in at the deep end (ie. going clubbing alone) probably isn't the best idea at this stage. You need to work on your self image before you take any more steps into the wilderness. This is basically your own internalised perception of what you are capable of. And more often than not it is seriously flawed by childhood experiences and whatnot. These flaws are known as cognitive distortions and can be crippling when they build up.
It is possible to remove these 'thought mistakes' and to build a more accurate self image. It's not simply 'positive thinking'. Positive thinking doesn't really work because it challanges basic beliefs without any real proof. Reassessment of cognitive distortions challanges these thought mistakes and gives you an ACCURATE self image.
Check out http://www.youmeworks.com/ for more info on cognitive distortions. Someone mentioned Psycho Cybernetics earlier in the thread too, I highly recommend this book. It only seems like 'sales hype' in the opening chapter then it becomes very helpful and enlightening. Even for people without significant emotional problems I would recommend this book.
Get a routine. Put your energy into something you feel passionate about. Join a gym. Or get one of your own. Work on your image. Make a point of TALKING to people. You may feel like **** at first, but if you can intellectualise the fact that IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU what they think then it will become easier over time.
First thing you have to do. VERY IMPORTANT.
You have to change your mindset from this:
"I'm so useless. Nobody likes me. I can't do anything."
Into this:
"I am so sick of feeling like this. It's NEVER gonna change unless I do something about it! That time is now!"
And then next, don't give up. THIS IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT.
Nietche said "the worst kind of human error is forgetting what one is trying to achieve."
When I was going through something like this, I kept a journal of what my motivations were, of my progress, of my thoughts. I wrote every positive thing I could think of in this book for a couple of months, and carried it everywhere with me. By the time I finished the book I was a lot happier and a lot more confident. Now I feel like I am reborn.
Trying to jump in at the deep end (ie. going clubbing alone) probably isn't the best idea at this stage. You need to work on your self image before you take any more steps into the wilderness. This is basically your own internalised perception of what you are capable of. And more often than not it is seriously flawed by childhood experiences and whatnot. These flaws are known as cognitive distortions and can be crippling when they build up.
It is possible to remove these 'thought mistakes' and to build a more accurate self image. It's not simply 'positive thinking'. Positive thinking doesn't really work because it challanges basic beliefs without any real proof. Reassessment of cognitive distortions challanges these thought mistakes and gives you an ACCURATE self image.
Check out http://www.youmeworks.com/ for more info on cognitive distortions. Someone mentioned Psycho Cybernetics earlier in the thread too, I highly recommend this book. It only seems like 'sales hype' in the opening chapter then it becomes very helpful and enlightening. Even for people without significant emotional problems I would recommend this book.
Get a routine. Put your energy into something you feel passionate about. Join a gym. Or get one of your own. Work on your image. Make a point of TALKING to people. You may feel like **** at first, but if you can intellectualise the fact that IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU what they think then it will become easier over time.
First thing you have to do. VERY IMPORTANT.
You have to change your mindset from this:
"I'm so useless. Nobody likes me. I can't do anything."
Into this:
"I am so sick of feeling like this. It's NEVER gonna change unless I do something about it! That time is now!"
And then next, don't give up. THIS IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT.
Nietche said "the worst kind of human error is forgetting what one is trying to achieve."
When I was going through something like this, I kept a journal of what my motivations were, of my progress, of my thoughts. I wrote every positive thing I could think of in this book for a couple of months, and carried it everywhere with me. By the time I finished the book I was a lot happier and a lot more confident. Now I feel like I am reborn.
SELF-MASTERY
Banned
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Ever thought of plastic surgery for your looks? What don't you like about your appearance???
BTW the book that hellboy mentioned was written by a plastic surgeon, who noticed that after he fixed the appearance of ppl they still felt ugly inside, he created his book to give ppl a better inner self image. I bet your enjoying the attention your getting on this forum, is this the most attention you have ever received????
If you want a gf with out work try a high end excort service. kidding
good luck
BTW the book that hellboy mentioned was written by a plastic surgeon, who noticed that after he fixed the appearance of ppl they still felt ugly inside, he created his book to give ppl a better inner self image. I bet your enjoying the attention your getting on this forum, is this the most attention you have ever received????
If you want a gf with out work try a high end excort service. kidding
good luck
Chancer357,
It took me many years to finally take this mentality (remember I'm a 26 y/o virgin):
It took me many years to finally take this mentality (remember I'm a 26 y/o virgin):
Don't examine the act, just start doing little things that you aren't comfortable with and take it one step at a time. I'm still doing stupid things like not returning eye contact when it comes my way, not talking to people when given the opportunity, especially not initiaiting conversations with women which is the only way I'm going to get more comfortable with it. Again, simply start small and gradually work up to more difficult things because you WILL gain confidence from the little things along the way. I still avoid things that put me way out of my comfort zone, but I will reach that point one day. Shyness is part of me, it's never going to completely go away, why do you think doing these things makes me so irrationally uncomfortable? It isn't me, but it also means I won't get anywhere with women. That's why I have to do this. As I get older it becomes more and more embarrassing to know that I've been avoiding this for such a long time, that and HELL.......I NEED SOME PVSSY! I can't take it anymore, it's literally driving me crazy. I actually thought about getting an escort I want it so bad.
Wish I had more time to comment, but I enjoyed the story about the plastic surgeon.
One thing to be careful of when you work on your "inner game," appearance, "self," whatever you want to call it. When you have social problems, you are not going to fix them outside of a social situation.
Getting buff at the gym won't fix these sort of problems, while it WILL make you feel physically stronger and look better to women. But what good is being buff and looking more attractive if your attitude, bodylanguage, and cognitive/emotional shortcomings preclude you from having friendships or taking advantage of the attraction it fosters?
Tazman and others are really putting this together. The time I was most succesful, probably the only time I was successful, and I was pretty damned succesful, I was overweight, dressed like a scrub, had a lot less going for me outside of relationships then than I have now, and I had intellectualized very little of this "don juan" seduction crap. I had a lot of friends. I got very involved socially. It's funny. Not only did I meet women by virtue of having groups of people to hang around with, but I was A LOT BETTER at cold approaches. I was damned good at cold approaches, granted they were done around a college campus and not in a bar or a club.
I'm putting myself out there socially to see what happens. I lost contact with a lot of people I used to know and I have been moving around a lot since college. Makes it very difficult for someone who is introverted and not always very confident. Staying alone and approaching random girls here and there just isn't gonna bring you the same success, or any success if you've been me the past few years.
One thing to be careful of when you work on your "inner game," appearance, "self," whatever you want to call it. When you have social problems, you are not going to fix them outside of a social situation.
Getting buff at the gym won't fix these sort of problems, while it WILL make you feel physically stronger and look better to women. But what good is being buff and looking more attractive if your attitude, bodylanguage, and cognitive/emotional shortcomings preclude you from having friendships or taking advantage of the attraction it fosters?
Tazman and others are really putting this together. The time I was most succesful, probably the only time I was successful, and I was pretty damned succesful, I was overweight, dressed like a scrub, had a lot less going for me outside of relationships then than I have now, and I had intellectualized very little of this "don juan" seduction crap. I had a lot of friends. I got very involved socially. It's funny. Not only did I meet women by virtue of having groups of people to hang around with, but I was A LOT BETTER at cold approaches. I was damned good at cold approaches, granted they were done around a college campus and not in a bar or a club.
I'm putting myself out there socially to see what happens. I lost contact with a lot of people I used to know and I have been moving around a lot since college. Makes it very difficult for someone who is introverted and not always very confident. Staying alone and approaching random girls here and there just isn't gonna bring you the same success, or any success if you've been me the past few years.
"She's Out of Your League"
You've said it a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time you say it, you train your brain to freeze the next time she walks into the room.
Leagues are a myth invented by guys who are scared of women.
She's a person. She has bad breath in the morning. She picks songs she can't sing in the shower. She overthinks her own texts.
Walk over. Say something. The league dissolves the second you open your mouth.
I can't believe this thread has been going for over a year...
Dont you guys realize this chauncer person is a forum troll? Ill at least give him the credit of being a good one.
I mean seriously... for over one year now dozens of people have been trying to help this guy... but he posts the same hopeless responeses with no improvement.
Dont you guys realize this chauncer person is a forum troll? Ill at least give him the credit of being a good one.
I mean seriously... for over one year now dozens of people have been trying to help this guy... but he posts the same hopeless responeses with no improvement.
chancer357
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I don't know what is so unbelievable for you
Hellboy
Senior Don Juan
What's unbelievable is this. It's like you've told youself over and over, so convincingly, that you just can't get up and get yourself a drink of water (even though you can), that you are going to sit there until you die of thirst.
"Nervous Around Beautiful Women? There's a Rule for That"
I could talk to any woman I wasn't attracted to. Charming, funny, relaxed. Then a gorgeous woman looked my way and I'd become a sweating, babbling mess.
The fix took me years to find and ten minutes to learn. Nervousness and excitement are the same physical state — pounding heart, adrenaline, flushed face. Your brain just picks the label. And you can pick a better one.
Rule 16 shows you how. You feel the nerves, relabel them as excitement, and let that energy pour out as enthusiasm. Women notice the guy radiating it. They always do.
chancer357
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Well, I don't know what to tell you, thats what I believe.
chancer357
Don Juan
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Its very hard to believe that sometimes..
I've been trying to use online dating things and I *still* can't get people to even respond to me. It doesn't exactly help you build any confidence.
I've thought about using some of those services that help you write a profile, and get you photographs that are good and the somehow advise you on the phone. It costs like $500 or so get all that. (I know people write alot of online dating profile stuff on here. I'm just not comfortable trying to flirt and seem exciting. Its not me at all.) Maybe I would get someone to write back, if I was really lucky maybe they would have coffee and not run away. It might not even work at all either.
Trying to talk to someone I don't know in person is just not something I can do. I really just can not see that changing. I try to do little things to change it, but it just doesn't work for me. Most of the time I'm just too uncomfortable and embarrassed to even try to talk to cashiers and stuff. I just feel like I am bothering people.
Counselors basically just are telling me to go talk to people. Its essentially "just do it" advice which does not help me. Its just doing it that I can't find out to do. Everytime I try I just feel that I am doing something wrong.
I've been trying to use online dating things and I *still* can't get people to even respond to me. It doesn't exactly help you build any confidence.
I've thought about using some of those services that help you write a profile, and get you photographs that are good and the somehow advise you on the phone. It costs like $500 or so get all that. (I know people write alot of online dating profile stuff on here. I'm just not comfortable trying to flirt and seem exciting. Its not me at all.) Maybe I would get someone to write back, if I was really lucky maybe they would have coffee and not run away. It might not even work at all either.
Trying to talk to someone I don't know in person is just not something I can do. I really just can not see that changing. I try to do little things to change it, but it just doesn't work for me. Most of the time I'm just too uncomfortable and embarrassed to even try to talk to cashiers and stuff. I just feel like I am bothering people.
Counselors basically just are telling me to go talk to people. Its essentially "just do it" advice which does not help me. Its just doing it that I can't find out to do. Everytime I try I just feel that I am doing something wrong.
iveyleeger
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I'll second the motion to close this thread.
Chancer, you are basically an attention *****. You're playing on people's desires to help you to see how many responses you can get but you don't take *any* of the advice given, do you?
What you need is professional psychological treatment -- which you cannot get on this forum. I think coming across this thread constantly is not at all in line with what the DJ forum is about. There are many other places on the net to get support for people in your situation. At the very least this thread should be moved to health issues.
To everyone else, I think you have to watch out for this type of "victim" manipulation. Women are more often the ones who use it on men, playing weak and helpless while taking full advantage of the situation, and we fall for it all too easily. I know I have. This thread may be a good example of that.
Chancer, you are basically an attention *****. You're playing on people's desires to help you to see how many responses you can get but you don't take *any* of the advice given, do you?
What you need is professional psychological treatment -- which you cannot get on this forum. I think coming across this thread constantly is not at all in line with what the DJ forum is about. There are many other places on the net to get support for people in your situation. At the very least this thread should be moved to health issues.
To everyone else, I think you have to watch out for this type of "victim" manipulation. Women are more often the ones who use it on men, playing weak and helpless while taking full advantage of the situation, and we fall for it all too easily. I know I have. This thread may be a good example of that.
chancer357
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I have tried.
I'm using this to get attention. All I've done is answer questions or comments directed at me.
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.