27 and nothing

[Tazman]

Robbie.......geezus, that was an insightful post. I don't really have any serious psychological problems but I can relate. Being a 26 y/o virgin because I was, and still am to an extent, insecure about my body has caused me a lot of stress. Add to the fact that girls my age would probably have nothing to do with me if they knew how inexperienced I am, and you have the makings of a very depressed individual. I actually get some attention from women but have no confidence to approach them, I'm also very shy and introverted.

Chancer357,
I haven't read through much of this thread.....have you tried building on your conversational skills by just talking to people at grocery stores and other retail outlets? My problem is that I can say hello, but never really start small talk, and sometimes I don't know how to effectively carry small talk if someone else initiates it. It also doesn't help when I don't have a positive attitude.

My goal is to get a girl, or even just go out on a date by the end of summer. I know it will be awkward at first, but I'm tired of not doing anything and becoming more and more depressed as a result.

 

[chancer357]

Originally posted by Tazman
Robbie.......geezus, that was an insightful post.

Yes, at least you can understand what I have tried to explain over and over, Robbie. Most people here don't.

Originally posted by Tazman

Chancer357,
I haven't read through much of this thread.....have you tried building on your conversational skills by just talking to people at grocery stores and other retail outlets?

No. People don't ever give me any sort of inviting body language. To me, it seems that I would just be invading thier privacy all of a sudden. I don't feel I have the right to disrupt whatever they are doing, and I don't feel I would be welcome if I did.

If I were a handsome guy or something I might feel different. But I'm just not. I don't want to have some awkward forced conversation and leave imagining how whoever I spoke to, and whoever saw me, are thinking or telling someone else about the wierd creep that was bothering them

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

what is wrong with you? Are you ugly, fat, dress funny?

Can you find the female version of yourself?

Maybe you were just made different from everyone else, hell, I feel like I am, my thought process and interest are totally diff from everyone else.

 

[chancer357]

Somehow, I've gotten a newer, better & higher paying job (6 figures) than I had before. I'll leave where I am and go somewhere new.

Amazing that I got it, considering I haven't been operating at full capacity for years being basically mentally impared in some ways by all these problems. I would have an even better job still if I were actually healthy.

I never worry about the job though. Just that everything will stay the way it has been.

 

[Cornograph]

You've got some major obstacles standing in your way.

Only in your mind.

These obstacles have derailed thousands upon thousands of men before you.

Survival of the fittest.

 

[Robbie]

Yeah! Six figures! Congrats! Good to see something great happen to you! Wait, scratch that... you EARNED it. It didn't happen to you and I bet you worked really hard for it.

Hard work is what it's gonna take to change the part of your life that needs the most work, but damn, it's great to see that you are capable of having this much success, regardless of context.

I just did some calculuations and I'm not gonna be seeing six figures for... well, figure in the student loans and... damn, that's impressive. And you're only 28 (wink)

 

[chancer357]

Originally posted by Cornograph
Only in your mind.
Survival of the fittest.

Ignorance; again. Shocking.

 

[Golden Arms]

Originally posted by chancer357
Somehow, I've gotten a newer, better & higher paying job (6 figures) than I had before. I'll leave where I am and go somewhere new.

Amazing that I got it, considering I haven't been operating at full capacity for years being basically mentally impared in some ways by all these problems. I would have an even better job still if I were actually healthy.

I never worry about the job though. Just that everything will stay the way it has been.

That's awesome, dude ! Congratulations ! :rockon:

wish I was making six figures...

 

[chancer357]

Originally posted by Golden Arms
That's awesome, dude ! Congratulations ! :rockon:

wish I was making six figures...

I'll trade you

 

[Tazman]

No. People don't ever give me any sort of inviting body language. To me, it seems that I would just be invading thier privacy all of a sudden. I don't feel I have the right to disrupt whatever they are doing, and I don't feel I would be welcome if I did.

Ok, but what you should start with is simply saying "hello." I've felt the same way that you did at times but you have to start somewhere right? The reason this shouldn't be too big a deal is because it's only common courtesy and you really don't expect much if anything in return (I mean a "hello" in return would be nice, but this is just practice). Actually, some cashiers warm up to you when you do it because people are often very rude to them, they appreciate it, no matter who it is. My sister used to be a cashier for Giant so she told me first hand.

If I were a handsome guy or something I might feel different. But I'm just not. I don't want to have some awkward forced conversation and leave imagining how whoever I spoke to, and whoever saw me, are thinking or telling someone else about the wierd creep that was bothering them

I would say don't even try with starting a conversation at first. Just say "hello" and take it from there. Some people will start small talk after you greet them. I started with "hello" and later started using "hi, how are you" because sometimes you get more of a response, but again, start small. Let me also add that in these situations it usually doesn't matter what you look like because I've seen all kinds of people do it with no problems at all. As long as you don't have a "mean mug" on your face it won't be considered unusual.....quite the opposite as a matter of fact. Keep in mind, appearance isn't important here atleast not unless you were an extreme case (your mouth was located on your chest).

 

[al77]

Originally posted by chancer357
I know what my problem is, and what I would like to fix is that I'd like to go on a date once in my life.

Maybe, you should start directly from the... dates!
Save some little money and go on 5-10 fast or speed dating sessions. You'll meet 8-15 women in one night and it costs about $30-40. You just have to pay, show up dressed well and be able to hold THE SAME convo for about 5 minutes: asking simple questions for example.
Are you going to try that?

 

[chancer357]

Originally posted by fuzzx
at least try prostitution before you off yourself, you might find something to live for after all .

Theres no way I would ever do this. I garuntee you I feel even worse (if possible) for resorting to that. I don't even care about the physical aspect, I'd rather just have a relationship with someone where they want to be around me; someone who found something about me the liked that other people just didnt have

 

[chancer357]

Originally posted by al77
speed dating ...
Are you going to try that?

Where I have lived so far the only speed dating events that were around were hosted for people in a higher age bracket.

Maybe once I move. They seem to have my age range involved in those events where I am going. I don't think I could do it right now. I would be too nervous about the groups of people

 

[Bonhomme]

Now's the perfect time

Now's the perfect time to have a go at speed dating, start a bootcamp, or whatever.

If you're shy, have a few drinks before you go at it to loosen you up.

You're moving, right? So you can screw up all you want, and you won't see any of the people again.

Make your mistakes when they are meaningless, and go to the new town with some experience.

Another thing you might consider – as funny as this may seem – is strip clubs. Just go in for lunch (when it's kinda slow, and the gals are desperate for $$$), and don't pay too much attention to the dancers – just act like it's no big thing for you to see naked women – but when a gal does a really good dance on stage (good pole tricks, etc.), tip her well, rather than the usual dollar. Give her 3, or even 5.

Have fun with it, tease the dancers a bit ("I know you can dance better than that, etc.), reward the good ones like you have money to burn (which, by most people's standards, you do), and they'll be on you like cats on catnip. This will give you some easy experience getting used to physical contact, however meaningless it may be from a relationship standpoint. It won't even cost you any more than a lot of dates could.

If you're really, really bad looking, that's definitely an obstacle. But have you thought of ways to work around or improve what you've got?

For example, work with your haircut -- perhaps even shave it all off -- grow a beard if you've got a weak chin, etc. Believe me, the right haircut can work wonders. I notice a lot of girls who look rather dumpy with a certain haircut, but much more attractive with a different haircut. If it works that way for gals, it can work that way for guys.

I know one fellow whose facial features are ass-ugly. Crooked teeth, not a particularly attractive bone structure, kinda short, but in decent shape (sort of an average build) -- and he's always dating hot women.[/b] He doesn't even have a lot of money, either. But he's got a sort of punk/goth "bad boy" look (though he's a really personable fellow, intelligent, interesting, witty, not really all that badass), with a mohawk, some piercings, etc. He turns his natural ugliness into a sort of badass look that works.

Perhaps that won't work with your 100K job, but you might work a distinguished looking beard and hairstyle into the mix, and conceal your least attractive features. If you've got crooked teeth, or something like that, you have lots of money to get that fixed. Use it.

Use your money, get a makeover, and for god's sake get any biochemical (depression, etc.) issues sorted out.

 

[chancer357]

Re: Now's the perfect time

Originally posted by Bonhomme
You're moving, right? So you can screw up all you want, and you won't see any of the people again.

Its more than being shy. Even if I'm leaving here for a while it doesn't make me less afraid of talking to people. They are still there now to react badly.

Things like strip clubs and bars are not for me. Zero interest in ever setting foot in either.

 

[chancer357]

Originally posted by Tazman

I would say don't even try with starting a conversation at first. Just say "hello" and take it from there.

I've said hello to cashiers; but they don't ever look up from what they are doing. They just keep robotically performing thier duty at the counter.

With people in the store who aren't working I really feel I do not have the right to go and talk to them, even if its just saying hello. They didn't come there to talk, they didn't seem like they would want to talk and all of a sudden I just walk up and invade thier privacy? It just seems wrong to me. I wouldn't care if someone did it to me, but me doing it to someone else seems wrong, almost hostile in a way.

 

[Tazman]

I've said hello to cashiers; but they don't ever look up from what they are doing. They just keep robotically performing thier duty at the counter.

How did you feel afterwards? I think you should say hello like it's a routine, in fact, make it a routine. Keep doing it until you don't even care what kind of reaction you get. You actually did say hello, so you know it's in you. Just keep doing it.

Today I missed an opportunity to greet a grocery store employee after she bagged my items. I did say thankyou to her while I was paying for my stuff using this automatic checkout machine, but I collected my stuff and just left without saying anything else. I couldv'e said anything (have a good day, enjoy your afternoon, etc.) I still mess up, even on the easy stuff, but I like you, have to keep trying, don't you agree?

 

[chancer357]

Originally posted by Tazman
How did you feel afterwards?

It reenforces the feeling that what I did was in not appropriate and uninvited. They couldn't even look up to say hello.

 

[DJnoob]

Don't say "hello" say this instead "Wassup Gangsta" but you must say it with confidence

Works all the time

 

[Robbie]

Chancer,

I think the big difference between you and a lot of other guys is that you care a lot more about people, what's going through their minds when you approach them, and you constantly sort of monitor yourself for how you're behaving, how you're making the other person feel based on clues they provide, etc. Most dudes just don't give a fvck. They're perfectly content with expressing themselves and they leave it up to the other person to accept them or reject them.

You care how they feel though. You scan the other person for all sorts of cues (verbal and non verbal) to sort of let you know how they feel and you use that to gauge how you should react to them, whether or not you should continue interacting with them, etc. You say something to the chick bagging your groceries. She seems too pissed off or enveloped in her misery to notice your efforts to communicate. Or maybe she doesn't notice you cuz she's blabbering away with a co-worker as she throws your sh_t into the bag and hands you your receipt. Either way, you feel rejected. You feel personally rejected because you failed to gain her attention. She ignored you. You don't exist. You're not important. You consider this failure. You use this as ammunition to support your argument that women just don't notice you, or aren't attracted to you, or whatever. When someone tells you, "Just be ****y and funny" or "Just be alpha," you therefore feel like punching them in the head. If only it was that simple, you'd have already figured it out. You're not a fvcking moron. Afterall, you're earning more in a few years than most of these fvcking bastards can ever hope to bring home in a lifetime. If the solution to your problem could be intellectualized, don't you think you'd be there all ready? You're head and shoulders above most of these dudes when it comes to brain power. Some half wit trying to give you advice only comes across as ignorant and naive. You only wish they could empathize with you. Otherwise, their "two cents" comes across as insulting.