Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

27 and nothing

Pulsar

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Originally posted by chancer357
How many things have you done in public this weekend? How many people did you talk to?

Its more than I have since the begining of the year. I was going to try to do something today but I ended up not doing anything. The more I thought about what I would do the more it starts upset me and make it harder to do anything.

Some people are just meant to be alone I think.
hi, you're a smart guy who has a college degree and even went to grad school, wow, that's better than tons of people...that's better than me, lol...I'm still working on my first degree...

Some intresting stuff here that you can read about. I know you may or may not want to read this but actually this stuff is just interesting to ponder, and I know you're a smart guy, so why not take a look...but actually read and don't skim on it.

This is all about letting go of desire, by letting go of 'self'....because, self doesn't exist...it might help you if you change your perspective a little bit. You keep saying that you don't 'measure' up to other people and you compare yourself to them etc...now this approach is well, the 'truth' I guess you could say. (from a certain point of view)

I would say this is a good article to start with.
 

WestCoaster

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Other's opinions don't matter

I'm not sure why I'm trying to reason why chancer because I've never read of such a "half empty" glass guy in my life. Everything is negative, woe is me, I suck, etc., despite evidence to the contrary. (Grad school .... helllllooooooo, what inspired you there?)

* I say other's people's opinions don't matter. You say they do. You say your's doesn't matter, but theirs' do? Huh? What the 'f? Why? Why would any of these people's opinion matter to you? You're the one with the knowledge of yourself. It's truly amazing how you try 100 percent to downgrade yourself and believe what others say about you. If you put half of this effort -- say 50 percent -- in upgrading yourself, you'd be much better.

I would say for years in the crappy public school system I was told by teachers I was not a good student and not intelligent. Luckily I went to college 500 miles away from home as my stupid classmates stayed at the hometown college and tried to re-create high school. At my college no one knew my background so my professors got behind me and encouraged me. A bachelor's degree and master's degree later, I'm doing well.

Here's what I say to those teachers who didn't believe in me: Screw you! I'm contemplating getting a doctorate down the road and I currently work at a university. Not ONE of those public school pukes could work at a university.

In high school my fellow jocks didn't think I was a good athlete. Through determination I was one of about two guys from my class who competed at the four-year collegiate level. Their opinions? Guess they didn't mean much.

I barely got dates in high school, a few here and there. I thought I was a loser and women didn't think I was much. In college I dated some great ones, including a 24-year old senior during my freshman year (I was 18) who was regarded as one of the hottest women in the school.

The problem with other people's opinions is that they're usually wrong, like about 99 percent of the time. I started figuring this out in college. Unfortunately, I hung on to some of my loser/AFC beliefs after college, but I've figured it out well now. I understand the damage that can be done from years and years of negativity, but it is imparative that you change your belief system.

Believe in yourself first and only listen to the positive stuff from other people.
 

chancer357

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Grad school doesn't really matter that much, or having a job or living on your own when you can't relate to people
 

Golden Arms

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Originally posted by chancer357
Grad school doesn't really matter that much, or having a job or living on your own when you can't relate to people
say something positive - one thing, about anything ...

I am begging you
 

WaterTiger

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Originally posted by chancer357
Grad school doesn't really matter that much, or having a job or living on your own when you can't relate to people
Chancer! You HAVE been relating to people! You've been relating for seven freaking pages!!!

We are people...and you've been taking to us. We've been talking back! That's relating! You said you can't...but you're doing it, aren't you? Yes, you are!

(waves a large cookie) Come on...smiles for me. Just one little, tiny smile, and I'll give you a cookie. Talk to us Chancer!
 

DJnomore

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Guess its my turn.....

to blow sunshine up your ass.

1) For **** sake you are right you are a loser and you will be alone forever. I accept completely that you are right about this and I am wrong. Now that I have accepted your superiority in recognizing your condition shut the **** up about it and listen.

2) you are clinically depressed. Short of drugs the best cure is to eat right and get plenty of excersise and rest. Cardio excersise. Walk for half an hour a day or some other excersise. This will change your body chemistry. Its for chemistry only dont' worry about your body shapel.

3) Do 10-15 min of weight lifting every day. this will change your body shape but do very little for your body chemistry. The key is to keep up with it and you will notice your body improving. Alternate muscle groups. 6 months in you will start to look good.

4) Accept that you are on a 5 year mission. This isn't a get rich quick kind of thing. You will need to change your life to get what you want. And if you can't work on your own ****ing life for 5 years see step 1.

5) Don't talk **** about yourself. If you are truely a looser others will talk enough **** about you dont' worry. And if you are not a looser and you talk **** about yourself shame on you. Think of the starving kids in Africa or something.

6) Accept yourself where you are. You can't talk to hot women? OK I believe you. We will accept that as the current situation.

7) Start to invest in a safe stock fund or something. The aim here is to start to feel good about your $$. If you are a winner here thats not a bad thing. Safe bets cause you are aiming to feel good mostly not just make money.

8) Do what you gotta do at work for that to go well. Likewise $$.

9) Start chatting with women on the internet. swap pictures etc. Yahoo chat is good.

10) Find a place where you know no one. Find a girl you don't like and go stand next to her. If you are too shy to talk to her thats ok. She will think you are weird and move away. OR she will think you are hot and smile. Either way who gives a ****. If you can talk to her thats cool.

11) The key to number 10 the absolute key is that you don't want her. You don't need her acceptance. She can't control your emotions. etc.

12) repeat 10 and 11 until you can talk to women you don't like.

13) repeat 10,11,12 until you can kiss a girl you don't like

etc etc etc.
 

gentleman193

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Just for the record, kissing a girl you don't like sucks. I don't think it's a good cure for depression unless you're getting paid a lot. Paxil would be a lot more effective.
 

chancer357

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Re: Guess its my turn.....

Originally posted by DJnomore

9) Start chatting with women on the internet. swap pictures etc. Yahoo chat is good.

[/B]
I have actually tried this before. I might be doing something completely wrong but every chat room on yahoo or msn i have ever tried to go in seems to be mostly guys and bots that spam you with porno messages. What chat rooms are you using that are good? I don't understand how you even find someone to try to talk to in rooms I have seen
 

chancer357

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I really don't have alot of interests anymore. I'm just curious how anyone can use these chatrooms, or if there are other chatrooms I just dont know about or what
 

chancer

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Nice name by the way...

I read a little of your last post and quite honestly, i don't know how much I can contribute. As men, we tend to look at competition a lot. Looks like you compare yourself to other guys a lot. I donno though. Instead of looking at what everyone else has, you need to look at what you have, what you've created, and where you plan to be. Take your mind off women in general. Just put them in the background. Your concerns should be with yourself. Ok, so you work, you have money, and you have a car, ok. That's just extra ****. That's not what gets you all the ladies. I don't have money, i've only got a part time job, and my car just got towed a month ago. They're asking for so much that I have to give them the pink slip. But here I am... A pulse ready to step up to any challenge. It's all about, and up to, you...

If you could just work on self improvement and look at the more positive things, **** would run smoother. If there's anything that helped me more mentally, it was working out. Why don't you do some research on working out. There's so many benifits, it's rediculous. Make your interest working out. I really don't know how to express this as well as I'd like too, but this should be your number one concern.

Secondly, be more social... Are you going to bars with the intention of having as much fun as you possibly can, or are you thinking about how badly you're going to eat it? Can you meet some new friends? are you afriad of sociallizing in general, or is it just the girls? There were moments i didn't want to go to a club or bar... but you know what? I went anyway. We're looking forward here, we have places to go. If I need to become more social, and that's the way to do it, i'm going. The pass is only there to help you succeed. Forget about all of the visual things like money, cars, appearance. Oh, and did you notice the hundred dollar shirt i'm wearing? What do you really have going on for yourself?

You need to be more social. You go to work, go home, and then you go to bed? That wont get you anywhere. So what if you go out and come home empty handed, did you try? Did you expose yourself? Are you growing? Without a fight he is dead. Do you have dreams? Do you have goals? Do you have plans? The last thing i'd do is raise a flag and say i'm going home. I don't k now if you watch baseball, but take boston for example. You see Boston's fight? 100+ year curse, and these guys are still fighting. Can you grab your balls? This is bigger than life, step up to the challenge.
 
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DjDreamer

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Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
I know your problem Chancer - you don't believe in anything - you don't believe in others, in God, or in yourself!!!

Can there be hope for one who believes in nothing and clutches to his own pathetic dismal existence as the end all???

If you don't believe in yourself then at least believe in someone or something else! For your own good, believe in something that is bigger than you and your situation!

Your only salvation is to take the focus off of yourself and put it into someone or something greater of more importance or purpose!
I think that's the best advice in this thread...

Chancer you are the person with the problem and everyone else is trying to be the problem solver...now why don't you role play? Become a problem solver...make people aware of something that is bigger than yourself...

It all comes down to belief system...do you believe focusing on positivity is good or getting attention due to a negative mindset is good?
 

Doc73

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Time to throw my 2 cents into this conversation.

First of all, and let me make this crystal clear...NEVER, EVER USE THE WORD CAN'T AGAIN!!!!!! Cant is a made up word that was created by weak minded people to justify their lazy behaviour. The word cant shouldnt even be in the English dictionary, and it certainly should not be a part of your vocabulary.

Since everyone and their mother has told their life story, I will share mine. I am 31 years old (thank God I dont look it). I wont go into details about my childhood, except for the fact that I was picked on constantly, had and still have a speech disorder, and had an overprotective mother who wouldnt let me fall down (figuratively speaking). I have yet to be in a real relationship, although I did date a few times. Heck, I just lost my virginity a month ago. For my entire life I thought I was ugly and unattractive, not to mention quiet. My social skills? lol what social skills? Anyways, you get the idea.

During the past six months I have managed to improve myself by leaps and bounds, thanks partially to a couple of really good girl-friends and partially because of this board. I have now dropped from 245 to 195 and my confidence is at a much higher constant level. Dont think that its been smooth sailing for me though. I just recently overcame a severe bout of AFCness, not to mention a complete and utter lack of confidence. If you think that changing your entire mindset, not to mention your personality is an easy task you got a rude awakening ahead of you. But think of the rewards it will offer.

I'll admit I have just been skimming the posts. While I think you did take the right step in coming onto a forum for advice like this, it won't do any good unless you do something about it. Here is a forum that you might find useful http://socialanxietysupport.com/. I visit the site occasionally, since I do still suffer from social anxiety, and they will admittingly be a little easier on you (with the exception being me of course ).

I will close by echoing most of the other guys that posted here. If you are to change, you are going to have to want it so bad that you are willing to go to whatever lengths to obtain the change you desire. The ball is in your court, are you going to let it drop and hope it goes out of bounds, or are you going to face it head on and smash it back to your opposition.
 

DjDreamer

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Chancer it's either you lack energy or you love the attention you obtain from focusing on negativity.

What is the diffenece between you and a guy that is in a succesful LTR? He tried and you didn't...he pursued a successfull relationship while you wallow in self pity...

The problem is you are not doing. You are not trying to improve yourself . Now why are you not taking the necessary steps towards self improvement? It's your negative thinking pattern...if you get rid of your negative thinking patten then you will DO what you complain about not doing...

However...

You gotta take baby steps. You gotta be a gentleman. When you see a beautiful storeclerk don't fall in love and ask her to marry you...LoL...seek to master the art of small talk...some guys are good at starting transcendental conversations and other guys are good at just keeping a woman interested just by saying "ok", "you don't say", "now that's interesting" etc... all you gotta do is get women to open up to you...now how do you get women to open up to you? That happens when you get women to be interested in you. And how do you get women to be interested in you? That occurs by being interested in them...the way how you get women to be interested in you is by being the type of person that women would love to talk to. I suggest you focus on education and a work out routine...

Self improvement is magnetic...
 
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cave dweller

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advice?

chancer357,

Ok, let us reverse this.

I will tell you my problem and you advise me how to solve it.

Good points:

Have a degree in (say) accounting.
Make good money.
Have a nice car.
Have a nice home.
Own a rental house.
Have stocks, bonds and mutual funds.

Bad points:

I weight 312.
I am ugly.
Have no friends.
Have no girlfriend.
Have no quality of life.
Have no hobbies.
Work all day.
Watch tv all night and eat potato chips and drink Pepsi.
Only get about 4 hours of sleep a night because I hate life.
I am in deep depression and would like to kill myself.
My life is a total shvt hole and I hate it.
I feel like I am a 'dirt bag' and a total loser.
BTW, I am your co-worker and my desk is just down the hall.

Ok chancer357---------What advice would YOU give me?


cave dweller
 

Jango_Xavier

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Re: Chancer -- READ THIS!

Originally posted by WestCoaster
This is a must-read:

http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?threadid=54270

A man on the brink of suicide read sosuave.com and became a man of action! Now look at his life. Take it a step at a time and force yourself outside of your comfort zone, which is really a depression zone.

Just little things make the difference. I've been working out a lot more (I should've done more years ago; I was a college athlete and let myself slip too much), and not only have I lost weight, but I'm feeling good, too.

I go to the gym with a smile on my face, talk to people, and stay positive. I've met quite a few women this way (like Allen Thompson on this site says, being a cynic isn't attractive).

So read the above post, step outside your comfort zone, and try to be positive. Who cares what others think of you?
Anyone know the right address for this link because it wont open??
 

OddTech

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allan976

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take pressure off yourself-no expectations

Chancer,

I don't understand why you see yourself as a failure. You have a good job, apparently a sizable bank account, and friends you can hang with. You are in an enviable position in this day and age, that's my opinion anyway.

To be honest, I've always been extremely shy around women myself when I THINK of the situation as a 'romantic' encounter or date or potentially so, and remain so. If I feel like I'm just shooting the breeze, I'm loose as a goose. This includes hanging out at a party with old friends and new people, at a cafe, a bus stop or in a class. My advice is, maybe you can start just by taking the pressure off of yourself by not thinking of your conversations with women as loaded with romantic potential, but think of it as simply a routine conversation.

Also, right around the age of 27 I lost about 40 pounds, shaved my head, bought some new clothes, and made a concerted effort to start accepting the routine social invitations I had declined for years as a chronic work a holic. To my surprise, I found myself unwittingly on double dates, lunch dates, 'real dates', and was shocked to find I had the option of choosing from among several attractive, single women. I was very surprised that women were asking me out, and agreeing to give me their phone numbers.

First thing first, just talk with women without expectations or pressure. Experiment in that way and find out what works and what doesn't for you.

Sorry if I've duplicated previous advice, I'm sure I have. I just saw your initial post and I felt obligated to respond because I am a fellow shy guy.
 

bobbob

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This post should be stickied or added to the DJ Bible, because there are so many good book recommendations in this thread. I bought like 6 of the books mentioned in here, I've only read 2 so far but they've both been great at changing to a positive mental attitude and also changing how I view some things.

Peace
 

cave dweller

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redneck women

chancer,

Here is another thought for you:

If I was introverted and scared to death of women, and in deep depression, one approach to solving the problem that I may think about trying is..............

Hit on every big, fat, ugly woman I meet.

I am referring to scrapping the bottom of the barrel and asking them out for coffee.

Once I went out with a whole damnnnnnn bus load of 'scags' and threw their phone numbers away I believe I would feel better about myself and start 'hitting' on some higher quality of women.

Hvll chancer, you need to start some place and I would try this approach.

I bet it will get you out of the house and away from the tv.

my 2 cents.

Hvll, come down to Augusta, Ga. one weekend and I will get your a$$ away from the tv and self pity. (we have a dam train load of women like that here, you can take your pick), I will hook you up with a couple of fat, ugly redneck women.



cave dweller
 

disciple

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From what you've said, it sounds as though you have alot of emotional and psychological issues that go way beyond just females.

You need a whole new outlook on life in general and you need to change your whole self-image.

A good book I can recommend is to read Pschocybernetics by Maxwell Maltz.

You can find it in a bookstore or order it from Amazon.com or anywhere else on the internet that sells books.

Just know that you are not alone and that there are other people who have felt the way you feel and they overcame that and went on to lead happy and productive lives.

I know it may seem hard to believe now, but if you really want to work to help yourself, you can do anything you set your mind to.
 
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