24 yrs down the drain

[sodbuster]

You spent 24 years getting an education in what you don't want in a woman. Now spend some time to figure out what you DO want,read here and learn how to get it.

 

[Fingerling]

$20k on surgery? would that have come from her savings or another man do you think?

hope your ok dude keep posting, it makes it easier

 

[imaluvnit]

I believe her mother gave her some and she took out a personal loan for the rest. I honestly think she should have her head examined first and get that fixed then go ahead and get the surgery if she wanted but ,if she had her head fixed it is highly unlikely that she would have gone ahead with the surgery, as she was already a good looking woman. I'm doing ok, I'm trying out this new method on the women i have recently met, normally i'm the nice and considerate guy. But all that has changed, I'm still nice but the biggest change for me has been the fact the more I act like I need fixing the more attractive I become to them, they seem to want to try and fix guy's or try to change them and the more I don't care the harder they try, I know it's crazy but I'm going to stay with that as long as it continues to work. I don't understand it but i guess I'm not meant to, it is what it is and I love it.

 

[combustiont]

Andy
Thank's for letting me know there is hope, But right at this moment it all feels impossible for me to get a normal life everyone tells me it is time for myself, but I find it hard to do as I have spent so many years supporting her and my family for all those years. I always put her and my sons first and my needs came second. I'm trying to act like i'm not mad but is very hard to do, I feel like a disposable lighter, she used me up and just tossed me away like some trash. I'm taking it day by day, what a rollercoaster ride, thank's again.

Nothing wrong with putting your kids first. A man takes care of his kids.

Gonna be hard breaking the habits that you've built for years and years, but you'll quickly realize this could be the best thing thats happened to you.

Stand tall brother.

 

[Nutz]

Mine was only 14 years ad cost 200k. Get her off life ins,bank accounts, everything. Hide some money-overpay for groceries and get the cash back. Read Screw the "female dog" at palladin press-can't think of the author. Be glad she just moved out,could have been worse.

Looked it up and it doesn't have very good reviews on Amazon, but don't go by those this time around. Glad I dug a little deeper, the ones complaining were the women, so that tells me he did something right Also, they have two listings for the book and I'm not sure which is the correct one:

http://tinyurl.com/ybzqull

http://tinyurl.com/ydbg5oq

FYI, I had to use TinyUrl since the filter here mucked up the link.


Here's another book as well on the topic:

http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Protecting-Financial-Security-Getting/dp/0071410325/ref=pd_sim_b_1

Not sure why it's showing up at $125 though. Probably because it's out of print in most places. FYI it's 10 years old.

 

[jophil28]

... I'm still nice but the biggest change for me has been the fact the more I act like I need fixing the more attractive I become to them, they seem to want to try and fix guy's or try to change them and the more I don't care the harder they try, I know it's crazy but I'm going to stay with that as long as it continues to work. I don't understand it but i guess I'm not meant to, it is what it is and I love it.

You are decribing some women's "codependent" style of relating to men who are needy or broken.
Go along to any AL Anon meeting. Those groups are loaded with women who married alcoholic men who needed "fixing".

The so-called " caring professions" are top heavy with codependent women. Teachers, nurses , social workers, medical professionals, counselors and clinical psychologists and leftie lawyers... all largely codependent women who believe that they are God appointed to help and 'improve' others.
Scratch the surface and you will reveal breathtaking arrogance and self importance on a grand scale.
These woman are 'velvet tryrants'.

 

[imaluvnit]

Wow, great post I just never really thought about it that way. It's funny you should mention the "caring professions" I have never really thought about it that way but I think your absoloutley right. My X wife that just left me was a high school administrator, she had to deal with lots of kids everyday and when she would come home, she was always in the habit of talking to me like I was one of her students. I had constantly remind her that she was talking to a grown man and not some troubled high school student, that in turn caused problems in the relationship on a regular basis. I continue to enjoy everyone's input and comments, it will definetly help me make better choices in the future.

 

[jophil28]

My X wife that just left me was a high school administrator, she had to deal with lots of kids everyday and when she would come, she was always in the habit of talking to me like I was one of her students.

Be wary of women who work with the young, the weak, the disadvantaged, the ill and the damaged. Those women spend at least 8 hours each working with students, patients or 'clients' who all have less power and status that she does. She is dominant.
So what mindset do your think she has when she arrives home ?

 

[imaluvnit]

Damn that's awesome you nailed it dude, Thats the s#@t I had to put up with for years. Previous to working with High school kids, my X wife worked with autistic kids, I now can see where the dominant and entitled attitude comes from, I guess I should have been more observant. I'm still learning and luvn'it.

 

[jophil28]

Damn that's awesome you nailed it dude, Thats the s#@t I had to put up with for years. Previous to working with High school kids, my X wife worked with autistic kids, I now can see where the dominant and entitled attitude comes from, I guess I should have been more observant. I'm still learning and luvn'it.

Women are highly labile and are open to influence by their peers. They absorb and become their surroundings. I think that it is part of their need to agree with their peers to find a sense of acceptance and community.
Be wary of women who work with other women. They tend to take on the emotional stance of the group. Sometimes a dominant alpha female in the group with an axe to grind is the villian.

I have dated several "caring professionals" and experienced their pious "attitude" daily.

 

[jj123]

I don't see how one day she can just up and leave without warning after 24 yrs of marriage? That just doesn't make sense. I''m sure little things added up overtime?, perhaps? IF she just uped and left then thats a probability but rare one at that because that can happen at any age. You live in So Cal, it's ssooooooooooo easy to run game on other women so forget her and move on.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

Damn that's awesome you nailed it dude, Thats the s#@t I had to put up with for years. Previous to working with High school kids, my X wife worked with autistic kids, I now can see where the dominant and entitled attitude comes from, I guess I should have been more observant. I'm still learning and luvn'it.

I'm not buying it.

While its true her profession gives her the escape and the opportunity to be the "dom", when she comes home at night she still will crave the man maintaining the frame. It's what attracts.

Some women sh^t test more than others. Imaluvnit, for some introspect on what happened and to try and prevent it in the future read some threads on sh^t tests on here. Some examples:

Making fun of your clothes or looks
Asking you to buy or do something ridiculous
Demanding control, (i.e. car radio, remote, household decisions)
And...my all time personal favorite, promising sex for favors (i.e. "buy me that pair of shoes and I'll have sex with you tonight").....once you hear this one, all is lost, she is using you, and its game over.

Any of these sound familiar?

 

[imaluvnit]

Yes it all sounds true, thanks for the tips I will follow up on them, I can no longer waste my time screwing up in the future, I must handle my s&@t correctly or I will set my self up for failure. And failure is not an option I'm willing to deal with. So far I have met a number of women and at the first sign of some sh^t testing I no longer respond, if it does'nt make me happy I outta there. If there is one thing I have learned recently there is no shortage of women to play with I'm just having fun at the moment. Thank's again.

 

[Mr. Me]

>> she lost weight, got 20 grand worth of surgery >>

Hey brother, like Jophil said, this was in the planning stages way before you saw it happen to you. Women bail out of LTRs some time AFTER they're "emotionally divorced"; sometime AFTER they made the decision to leave. That decision is reinforced by their hanging around, becoming ever more resentful of their husband, so when they exit the relationship, there's no regret in their choice, no looking back. So, her idea was to start a new life by changing herself back to being more attractive via the surgery.

I'll bet when she was visiting Facebook that she didn't come to bed when you did and rather, stayed up late being online. I'll bet that when she was hooking up with old classmates, that she came across an old boyfriend too. That may very well be she left you for some old flame.


But you didn't have a clue this was coming, this took you by surprise, which means that you weren't being attentive. You didn't realize that she was losing love for you for some time. You didn't notice the nuances in her breathing, so to speak, the changes in her behavior that signaled her withdrawing from you.

You didn't create a monster, and you're not responsible for her decision, but you helped create the environment for her to make that decision. It's either from neglect (taking her for granted/not dating your wife), abuse (yelling/arguing/insulting) or being controlling, that women leave LTRs.

>> I have had a number of people (mostly women) telling me that I should date people my own age >>

Yes, that's women telling men what they'd like them to do, according to their paradigm. These are women, who, BTW, were perfectly happy dating the older college guy instead of you when you and her were in high school together. These are women who refuse to date the older men that are interested in them now, exciting that those older men should date women their own age. Beats me, but I've always found it socially normal that the guy is a bit older then the woman in a relationship, especially given that women are a few years more emotionally mature then a guy typically is, so it makes sense that a younger woman be with a somewhat older gent. Anyway, because of the dearth of men their age whom they'd prefer now to go out with, they try and chide you into going out with them. Don't listen to them.

>> but a lot of the women I meet at my age (48) seem to be wanna be teenagers,they come off as trying to hard to show how young they can (act) but in reality they look kinda stupid.>>

Because you're obviously more mature then they are and so, they appear awkward to you. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you're not thinking that you "must" act a certain way at your age befitting your age. If it's true immature behavior that irks you about them, I say fine. Acting childish (Not acting "young", there's a difference!) is repulsive at any age.

>> a lot of the women that I have come across with the bolt ons, tummy tucks and and whatever else they can pay to get fixed seem to feel that since they had all this work done that they are entitled to everything WTF >>

Perhaps that's the cause of their attitude, I would think though it's more about a general sense of entitlement that females have regardless of having undergone cosmetic surgery. Perhaps experiencing the ugly duckling having turned now into a prettier swan complex has them acting out their egocentrisms.

>> When I realized that she was'nt coming home, I served her with papers>>

Good man. This is something you'll always be proud you did and didn't knuckle under, begging, pleading for her to come back, which surely she would not have. You kept your dignity intact and can forever be proud of that.

>> a little back history. She has always dealt with depression... on and off meds for the last 24 yrs>>

Well, that was a MAJOR red flag way early on, my friend. Going forward, learn about red flags so as not to hook up with women who have them.

>> She said I was being controlling by not wanting her to go out doing things with single women why she is a married women. >>

Actually, that's her friends talking, you know that, right? They were her "support group", helping her to get away from you. They're her friends, not yours. Of course, she's portraying you in the worst light to them. And she uses that "You're trying to control me!" against you to make you back off so that she may run wild without you questioning her goings on. You'd be damned for anything you do at that stage, right or wrong.

Meaning, old high school boyfriend's in the picture, or a new guy, but one thing's for sure... there was something going on she didn't want you to know about and prevent her from.

>> I could be wrong but I don't think recently divorced women are going to say hey I know your married so we'll do our thing and you can watch and see how much fun were having >>

I want you to know this: whenever you come across one of these things they say or do that don't make sense to you, understand that the reason it doesn't make sense is because you've been served up bullshyte. A smokescreen to hide the truth. And bullshyte, by definition, doesn't make sense, which is why is why this doesn't make sense. What would make sense is that she's claiming to go out with her divorced GF's and they're all willing to be meet men while they're out. Including your soon to be ex.


>> I just hope I can get past it and find a women that can appreciate what I have to offer.>>

You will climb out of this, but only if you want to. There are two doors: one leads out, the other keeps you in. If you fester on this, you'll stay stuck in it, as whatever your mind dwells on, it will dwell in you. Building a new life, going after your hobbies, interests, passions, both old and new, hitting the gym, making changes to the house, even a new haircut, new clothes, go out and treat yourself to a dinner, go listen to bands, all help to stay focused on you. the more you are focussed on you, the less prominence you give her in comparison. You "shrink" her importance in your life that way.

This battle is entirely fought in your mind. Only you can get yourself out the door.

You're going to go through the grieving process, you will find your thoughts on her. Try to think of other things. If you relapse, forgive yourself, it's normal. think of this process as if you're being washed upon a shore: just as you get close, a wave comes and knocks you back, but then, another wave brings you closer still.

>> I'm still nice but the biggest change for me has been the fact the more I act like I need fixing the more attractive I become to them, they seem to want to try and fix guy's or try to change them >>

You're probably presenting yourself as a "negative challenge" to them (better to be a "positive challenge" however), either that, or they're "rescuers", which wouldn't be a good thing. Google the terms to find out more.

>> at the first sign of some sh^t testing I no longer respond >>

That's the way to respond to any shyte test, but be careful with that, many guys see EVERYTHING as a shyte test when it's not.

Best wishes.

 

[jophil28]

>>

I want you to know this: whenever you come across one of these things they say or do that don't make sense to you, understand that the reason it doesn't make sense is because you've been served up bullshyte. A smokescreen to hide the truth. And bullshyte, by definition, doesn't make sense...

This is a great point.
WE have all been in relationships of various kinds with women who are," confusing" or " different " or perhaps even " contradictory"...and what do we do? We spend hours, days and even years trying to decode her incongruencies in a naive and self defeating attempt to "understand her ".
Well guess what - she is confusing and contradictory because that is one of her favorite tactics to keep men confused and bewildered. It is contrived, polished, and executed to often 'appear' to be part of the alluring "feminine mystique".

IN fact it is always fabricated BS, giftwrapped, to extract power and control by creating emotional disequilibrium in YOU. She causes drama, of her own design, to watch you squirm. AS soon as you approach clarity or equilibrium, another drama is created to destabilized your relationship.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

[imaluvnit]

IN fact it is always fabricated BS, giftwrapped, to extract power and control over you by creating emotional disequilibrium in YOU. She causes drama, of her own design, to watche you squirm. AS soon as you approach clarity or equilibrium, another drama is created to destabilized your relationship.

Wash, rinse, repeat.[/QUOTE]

Wow, how insightful. That is exactly what she would do, and I kept falling for it over and over and over. Now that I'm aware of this kinda Bullshyte, it's just another tool in my arsenal. Slowly but surley i believe I'm getting smarter about detecting this kinda bullshyte. Thank's once again.

 

[imaluvnit]

All I can say is a very BIG thank you. It is difficult at best right now to figure what I have done wrong and what I will do in the future not to make these same mistakes. It is a blessing and I am truly thankful to have these items pointed out to me and explained what I was doing wrong. During this learning process I hope to become a much better person and find a good LTR in the process. One thing I might add, a lot of people tell me that this is MY time and I should concentrate on ME and do things for ME, but I find it difficult because the whole time I was married everything was always about her and the kids, and I don't think i will ever regret that. I'm now just trying to learn how to do things for ME without automatically considering someone else, it's a hard habit to break. I will keep reading and keep learning, that is what gives me hope about my future. The more I learn the more confidence and momentum I am gaining. Thank's once again.

 

[jophil28]

. I'm now just trying to learn how to do things for ME without automatically considering someone else, it's a hard habit to break.

Consideration for others is a noble trait - its shows good character. However habitually placing other's needs and wants ahead of your own is NOT healthy and it is always self defeating in the long run...

This is what most married men do not understand. They assume that marriage is a simple equation...an unspoken contract with a like-minded partner..


"IF I do whatever she wants me to do and provide for her wants and wishes then she will reciprocate when the time comes and be open to MY needs. "

WHen did you and she shake hands on that deal ? Why does this never work?

IT is a universal truth that the ultimate outcome of excessive accomodation by a husband is not gratitude, but exploitation by his wife. Why ? Because she, as a woman, wants a MAN, not a servant. She may enjoy his servitude and she WILL maximise her benefits from it, but in the end she will discard him, emotionally or physically or in a myriad other ways.

IT is said that "women marry up". It is any wonder then that a woman would not want to continue to be married to a man who places himself beneath her in value and on whom she looks down.

 

[imaluvnit]

Well said and completely understood. Another lesson learned, I need to have all this advice etched into my memory so when dealing with the women in my future I won't resort back to my old and self defeating ways. Props again!!!!!

 

[Luthor Rex]

They assume that marriage is a simple equation...an unspoken contract with a like-minded partner..

"IF I do whatever she wants me to do and provide for her wants and wishes then she will reciprocate when the time comes and be open to MY needs. "

Hell I didn't have to be married to make that mistake. I thought it was obvious that the best way to make a relationship work was reciprocal altruism and that everyone else saw things that way too.

Boy was I wrong.