Which approach should I take in reaching out to this woman I "ghosted"

[itouchyou]

About six months ago this girl sent me a DM on a dating app. It's for minorities, not as active as any of the major dating apps.

10/10 face, mid 30s, doctor. She seemed interested in something serious, and seemed lonely.

We exchange maybe one long text per day for 4 days before she asks me to meet, but she's out of town that weekend. I'm out of town for a few weeks after that. So I say I'll get back to her in a month, and get her number.

I never reached out when I was supposed to a month later - it's now six months later. Reason being, I was overweight and didn't want to catfish. Now I've lost the weight and want to reach out. I know she's still single because I can see her latest active status on the app (although we aren't matched anymore).

I will add that she swiped right on me despite just having the bare minimum for a profile. Two pics of my face, nothing else, no bio, nothing.

I have two options to reach out to her.

1) I can instantly match her on the app. If I do this, I don't know if she remembers me, and she doesn't know if I remember her either. There's a chance it goes nowhere, but it lets both of us start on an even footing. We all know how much upper hand matters with modern women. The downside is maybe she remembers, and won't give me a shot. Oddly, a couple months ago the app said she swiped right on me, but I didn't swipe on her.

2) I can send a text to her number reintroducing myself, sending her my pic, and explaining that I was delayed due to an ordeal that paused my dating life. Problem with this is that it makes it obvious that I remembered her after such a short conversation six months ago, and that I'm still interested in her. I think it might demonstrate lack of options.

Thoughts?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Match on the app, touch base, say you want to meet up and ask if she's still at the same #

The ordeal thing is a good alibi. If she's a ltr prospect, the fact you remember her is a good thing, not bad. It means she stood out.

Get rid of the hesitant mindset though. Don't be afraid to potentially rub her the wrong way; also it's ok if you're not 100% optimally presentable. As much as it's a cliche, you're the prize. Visualize banging her over the stove as often as you visualize a countryside picnic with her.

 

[itouchyou]

Match on the app, touch base, say you want to meet up and ask if she's still at the same #

The ordeal thing is a good alibi. If she's a ltr prospect, the fact you remember her is a good thing, not bad. It means she stood out.

Get rid of the hesitant mindset though. Don't be afraid to potentially rub her the wrong way, also it's ok if you're not optimally presentable. As much as it's a cliche, you're the prize.

So you're suggesting to tell her what I would've told her by text, on the app itself?

With that method won't it seem like I messaged her because I saw her on the app and then remembered her, not that I remembered her without the app showing her to me?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

So you're suggesting to tell her what I would've told her by text, on the app itself?

With that method it seems like I messaged her because I saw her on the app and then remembered her, not that I remembered her without the app showing her to me

Imo it would show the proper decorum, that you're not being too assumptive. You can say, "hey I was thinking of you the other day then I saw you here"

 

[itouchyou]

Imo it would show the proper decorum, that you're not being too assumptive. You can say, "hey I was thinking of you the other day then I saw you here"

True.. I wasn't planning to assume she was available via text, something like "on the off chance you're still around, thought of meeting for a coffee in the near future"

Suppose swiping on the app would be less invasive.

But on the other hand, on the app I'm just one guy of potentially many. A direct text makes it more real/personal.

Interesting

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Follow up via text if the app method doesn't work

Kinda sounds like you're overthinking this tbh

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Forgot to add, fill out your bio and maybe add a pic before you message her. Obv don't put "looking for short term only" as your intent lol.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

So you're suggesting to tell her what I would've told her by text, on the app itself?

With that method won't it seem like I messaged her because I saw her on the app and then remembered her, not that I remembered her without the app showing her to me?

Why are you so worried about this? Who cares? Way too much care about inconsequential things.

 

[itouchyou]

Why are you so worried about this? Who cares? Way too much care about inconsequential things.

Because it's the difference between "this guy only remembered me because I showed up on the app" and "this guy remembered to text me after all this time"

One communicates that I completely forgot about her while the other communicates the opposite.


Your response is odd and seems to lack the understanding that just because someone else's issue isn't yours, doesn't mean it's irrelevant.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Because it's the difference between "this guy only remembered me because I showed up on the app" and "this guy remembered to text me after all this time"

One communicates that I completely forgot about her while the other communicates the opposite.


Your response is odd and seems to lack the understanding that just because someone else's issue isn't yours, doesn't mean it's irrelevant.

Because you only care about this because you are viewing it from a place of lack. You care because you don't want to "screw it up".

But this mindset is what will end up screwing it up more than simply texting her back.

You are overanalyzing something that is irrelevant.

Hit her up on the app and say "Hey I see we matched again, when are you free so we can finally meet up."

That's it. No games, no "attempted trickery", or spending a week trying to figure out the "perfect way to play this", just a man who doesn't have time to play games giving her the opportunity to do something great for herself.

The fact you thought you had to wait because you gained some weight tells me everything I need to know about your belief in yourself and your confidence.

You might have lost weight but you still have that same mindset and lack of belief in yourself which is a much greater problem for you than your weight would have been

 

[itouchyou]

Because you only care about this because you are viewing it from a place of lack. You care because you don't want to "screw it up".

But this mindset is what will end up screwing it up more than simply texting her back.

You are overanalyzing something that is irrelevant.

Hit her up on the app and say "Hey I see we matched again, when are you free so we can finally meet up."

That's it. No games, no "attempted trickery", or spending a week trying to figure out the "perfect way to play this", just a man who doesn't have time to play games giving her the opportunity to do something great for herself.

There is no trickery, just tact.

This also doesn't come from a place of lack, just because a guy cares about how he comes off initially doesn't mean lack of options. This applies not only to relationships but business, friendships, etc.

The fact you thought you had to wait because you gained some weight tells me everything I need to know about your belief in yourself and your confidence.

You might have lost weight but you still have that same mindset and lack of belief in yourself which is a much greater problem for you than your weight would have been

I was 50lbs heavier due to an injury I had that spiraled into weight gain. Has nothing to do with "self belief" or "confidence", that's simply being honest and not wanting to show up looking like a completely different person and expecting the girl to just accept it. In this day and age where looks are paramount, just lol @ telling a man that his weight doesn't matter.

 

[BaronOfHair]

@itouchyou A brief sentence along the lines of:

"Yo... It's been awhile. What've you been up to of late, honeybun?"

Is likely a terrific resumption

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Hi Jan (or whatever her name is)... life was nuts for a bit but things have calmed down. How bout grabbing that coffee next week?

That's all.

A story (from before text era, lol.): One night I'm out at the club, huge badboy player who I knew but also knew better than to date says, Hey, my friend thinks you are hot & wants to meet you. Now I'm like, Oh Jesus, if he's friends with badboy player he's gotta be bad news (not in a good way).....and badboy player picks up on this and says, he's cool, I know him from lifting.

So I say fine & badboy player signals the friend over. The friend is exactly my type, and seems cool. We chat a little bit, its flirty. He asks for my phone number. I give him the number (which I typically was resistant to do), and he never calls. I'm like FFS.

Fast forward 6 months: I see the friend in the club. He sees me. I ignore him. He comes over anyway and tries to talk. I cross my arms over my chest and say Listen. I gave you my number, you never called, f off, not interested, not giving you my number again.

He says, That's fair. My dad was hospitalized right after that night. I had to leave grad school & go home to help my mom run the ranch & take care of dad. There's a party tomorrow. I want to take you, 7pm I'll pick you up, what's your address?

Hmmmm. So I said Ok. Here's the address. If you don't show? Never speak to me again.

He was on time to pick me up the next night. We dated for 5 years & nearly married. His dad had, in fact been in hospital and he had, in fact had to quit grad school to help at the ranch......

Moral of the story, if you get resistance, be direct, deal with it and drive on. But approach in a way that acknowledges the gap.

 

[Sega Genesis]

So I say I'll get back to her in a month, and get her number.

I never reached out when I was supposed to a month later...

Hi Jan (or whatever her name is)... life was nuts for a bit but things have calmed down. How bout grabbing that coffee next week?

I like this^^ BE but what about this? (Bolded).

"Hi Jan (or whatever her name is)... apologies for not reaching out earlier, life was nuts for a bit but things have calmed down. How bout grabbing that coffee next week?

I have read here that guys should never apologize but personally I would appreciate it. Since he did say he would reach out in a month but never did.

Perhaps not necessary though.

 

[itouchyou]

I like this^^ BE but what about this? (Bolded).

"Hi Jan (or whatever her name is)... apologies for not reaching out earlier, life was nuts for a bit but things have calmed down. How bout grabbing that coffee next week?

I have read here that guys should never apologize but personally I would appreciate it. Since he did say he would reach out in a month but never did.

Perhaps not necessary though.

I have nothing against apologizing but I think it implies that she was waiting on me, so I won't apologize, although I will tell her I was delayed.

I'm going to simply mention that we chatted before and I wasn't able to meet due to an ordeal that derailed my dating life, and then have some light conversation before suggesting to meet.

Think it's important to re-establish some rapport because she might not remember me at all, and asking her to meet right from the very beginning isn't the ideal approach, IMO.

She's like a cat, I have to ease into it and not just grab her immediately

Not too concerned about what I say, but the medium; her personal number, or the app

 

[Sega Genesis]

I have nothing against apologizing but I think it implies that she was waiting on me...

^^OK fair. I think what you're planning to say sounds good. Re-establishing rapport with light convo first, acknowledging the gap and the delay. Then suggesting to meet.

G'luck!