Women easily develop crushes on me, but they don’t choose me.

[Pumax]

Hi everyone.

During my life I’ve often found myself being the object of crushes, and infatuations from women... whenever I join a mixed group, whether it’s a book club, a church group, a new workplace, or a cooking class, there’s almost always at least one woman who seems to develop a hidden infatuation or strong interest in me. You’d probably describe these women as “shy” or “polite,” but you wouldn’t immediately guess that they were secretly hoping I would make the first move.

When I eventually leave these groups, maybe because I get busy or want to try something new, friends often say things like:
“Oh, so you’re leaving? I wonder what Kate will do without you…” I usually reply, “Well, I’ll miss everyone,” and they go: “That’s not what we meant… Didn’t you notice? She had a crush on you”.....this has happened with all kinds of women, single or taken, tall or short, slim or curvy, usually around my age, many times I've lost the count... It’s always them developing this kind of interest in me.

So I’ve often asked myself:
Why do I seem to have this effect on these women? If they are genuinely interested, why don’t they just come up to me and say it directly, instead of finding excuses to talk to me just to be around me?

I’ve also wondered what this says about me....what qualities do they see in me that make me attractive enough to develop feelings, but not comfortable enough to be honest and direct about it?
What qualities might I have that attract this kind of attention?
How can I recognize them more clearly?
And how can I stop this pattern of indirect infatuations?
Do I have traits that unintentionally discourage people from being straightforward?

I’d like people to be genuinely interested in me, and to feel comfortable being open, honest, and direct if they like me. People describe me as sincere, calm, confident, funny, charismatic, but also quiet, a bit mysterious, independent, respectful, and not someone who raises his voice.
Do you find this to be a common in other people's lives?
Is that something that happen to you too?



ps: I know that some of these women still think about me.. I'm like a thought in their mind that comes back... again and again

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

I've frustrated myself due to the same thing. Didn't learn that until well after I perhaps should have, then I think to myself "Go easy man, most men never will learn anyway. You're good."

Sometimes, even when you DO know, sometimes they don't jump on things for any number of reasons. Which is why we usually do (and should, as It's our job to showcase even in a LTR) use our ability to affect/effect chaos into order around us. This implies that we can serve to do the same in her life. We don't demonstrate that we are able to handle our own nerves and anxieties very well when we leave it up to a woman to approach US with all of her 'what ifs' and anxieties.

Many many times, a woman has started a dynamic with me to any varying degree between ONS or long term dating (never marriage), but over longer periods of time (MAX a few years) no good came of it.

I still "hang back" in many ways simply because it's my style. I LOVE it when I drive a woman so crazy she has to escalate kino/sexual tension that I barely start. Think of a pull back / wind up car. I do things here and there and then let her come after me. I enjoy that. But in all other aspects I had to give myself permission enough times before it became what should already have been a developed instinct.

Move first and let her do the rest. If she doesn't, she really isn't THAT into you. She could merely be admiring from a distance fantasizing about what the possibilities a guy like you (or you specifically) can bring to her life. She could also be wondering if you even like her?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

This sounds like shy/neurotic women who deem you safe enough to develop an interest in

 

[Pumax]

You're safe enough

They see you as confident, but they're not sure they should tell you.

So

She could also be wondering if you even like her?

Are they unsure whether you find them attractive?

In this case, they're simply waiting for you to make a move, unaware that they're secretly interested in you.

 

[The Duke]

My guess is you are missing the signs.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

They see you as confident, but they're not sure they should tell you.

So

Are they unsure whether you find them attractive?

In this case, they're simply waiting for you to make a move, unaware that they're secretly interested in you.

Typically, they're used to men coming out and being obvious about being interested or finding her attractive. That's why we hear about it so often. "That creep! I hope YOU never just look at women and say 'nice @$$'" etc... So when she's giving you what she feels are 'obvious' signs and you don't take the bait, she wonders if you even like her or if you bat for the other team. In my experience.

 

[Gamisch]

Sounds familiar....I can still vividly remember aaaallllll those women that I did NOT bagged ...

You ( like I geuss most active members) simply attract women. Thats a gift from the Gods.

And here's the thing:
1. all you need is a mental tweak.
2. You're energy doesn't match your appearance.

1. You should roam the earth ASSUMING that ANY woman would sleep with you. If we reverse genders, it's not too farfetched to believe that prime Megan fox believed that ANY dude would hit it... so why wouldn't you ,as a dude have a similar mindset?

You already got proven by life that you attract women. Now point 2.

2. Your energy simply doesn't match your appearance. So, women THINK / fantasize about you,but once they " get to know you" there's something that makes them hesitant.

In my case it had to do with a lack of aggression/ assertiveness. Because, even when you look like Adonis himself, as a man you STILL gotta stand behind your decision to either ( 3.take initiative OR 4.be distant on purpose).

3. To keep it short and simple; you'll HAVE TO take more risks. Be confident and ooze that energy. No way around it . But...


4.This might be another mental tweak; be at peace with the fact you will NOT feck every woman. Perhaps there were legitimate reasons why pursuing women was NOT the best idea. E.g: we all had a hot colleague where we KNEW it would be inappropriate to pursue her. Or a hot girl at the gym. The club, in public ect. That can make you DECIDE fully consciously to leave her alone . Just make sure that at the end of the day you ALWAYS feel like you're in control rather than people or circumstances.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

I think @The Duke has it correct. You are not picking up social cues.

Now. My observation of @Pumax based on his content around here (and his avatar too) is that he is an analytical man, introverted, and not terribly aware in a social sense....e.g., does not read the room well in a social setting.

My guess is that he may be nuerodiverse of some variety. Many nuerodiverse individuals struggle with social awareness and interaction and picking up social cues. So I'd recommend OP explore that as a possible reason this dynamic keeps happening. If that has merit he can evaluate different ways to learn and improve where he has social blindspots.

The other thing to understand is that most women, if they are in feminine energy, will not be direct, will not make their interest known, and will not initiate. That concept gets discussed around here a lot. You don't want a direct woman in her masculine energy hitting you up. That is how you end up with a bossy "boss bytch" and a woman trying to be the man & lead the relationship. No bueno & good luck switching that dynamic after you accept it.

So.....You are the man. You gotta make the move & initiate. Stop expecting feminine women to do that (we won't). That's like expecting night to be day. It doesn't work like that (unless you want princess bossy pants).

So take a closer look at yourself and the nature of your social interactions. Although you are placing yourself in target rich environments, you are missing social cues.

Why?

 

[Clockwerk50]

Firstly, both men and women are different entities, play different roles, and have different energies. Expecting women to act like men is ridiculous, and your mistake, to a lesser extent, is projecting your own communication style unto others.

With this being said, masculine energy is action-based, and as a man, you are still expected to approach, lead, and escalate, while feminine energy is passive and submissive. It is just like the pleasure a woman has in being led by a confident dancer, letting go of any defensiveness she may feel and letting another person do the work.

As per your question, when a person enters a new group, they naturally come across as new, different, and exotic. The people in the group may feel bored or unstimulated in their own lives and see this person as exciting or special. People often prefer to think their life is dull because of their circumstances or the people around them, not because of themselves; they feel the boredom in their life, and this new person as their salvation. In most cases, in my experience, this kind of interest is short-lived, and if the new person remains too passive, doesn’t take the lead, or doesn’t know how to pull the strings, the fantasy fades and the attention will shift to someone else.

 

[Mike32ct]

It’s important to learn to read the signs yourself because your friends will tell you about that chick that “was so in to you,” but they almost ALWAYS wait until it’s too late to act on it before they tell you.

It’s a very subtle kok-block, but that’s a whole other topic.

 

[Prepostereax]

Look, it's a crush.
Which is like a precursor to Oneitis, for women
ie they technically aren't crushing on you, but on a fantasy in their head based around you

Which means that these women are somewhat below you in smv.
ie not ideal for you in terms of relationship material

Which means that you could do better than these girls, if you actively pursue those women (of higher smv) who you definitely are interested in.

Okay, so yes these are missed opportunities for banging chicks who would be very open to you, if you only read their signs.
But do you think they'd be happy to be pumped & dumped?
Keeping in mind that the alternative to p&d is a relationship, and having a relationship with a crush is a recipe for disappointment..

anyhow, take that rizz that you are attractive enough to generate crushes with regularity, and use it to act!

 

[Pumax]

Hey! I wanna thanks anyone for the advice here..
One thing that I'm pretty sure too:

My guess is you are missing the signs.

then

2. Your energy simply doesn't match your appearance. So, women think/fantasize about you, but once they "get to know you," there's something that makes them hesitant.

Okay... so if point 1 is met, there's definitely something wrong with that.
So, should you find some women and ask them what energy they expect from you, one that's consistent with your appearance?

also

You are missing social cues

again. but am I autistic? I don't know.
But the best thing would be to simply have someone human tell me what's wrong with me.
Now... what should I do?

Should I ask a psychologist, or should I ask a woman? Can I trust women?
I think there is a solution.. I want to know what is wrong with me, understand that, find way to fix it, and apply

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Why does it matter? If YOU are interested you should make a move. Their interest known or unknown shouldn't play any role in that.

Live the life you want to live not the one that others give you permission to live.

 

[SmoothHendrixPS2]

Asking a women to be direct is cringey and goes against their nature. You not being direct is feminine. This shows your lack of awareness and knowledge of female nature.

Wasn't there a post recently where dudes were debating if just looks trumps everything?... well here's your answer. You can look good but be clueless or spineless.

All of you who cry about your physical shortcomings should be inspired by this

 

[Bokanovsky]

So I’ve often asked myself:
Why do I seem to have this effect on these women? If they are genuinely interested, why don’t they just come up to me and say it directly, instead of finding excuses to talk to me just to be around me?

Because 99% of women would lack the confidence to do that. The best you can hope for is that they give you sufficiently clear indicators of interest.

 

[BeExcellent]

You seem to be a relatively open minded individual @Pumax and that is good. You seems to want to understand the dynamics and the "why" too.

As far a nuerodiversity goes, a well qualified psychologist (get a man who is older and in practice for a long time, a PhD, and who is known in your area for evaluating nuerodiverse individuals).

ASD, ADHD and other nuerodiverse make ups present in a wide array of modalities and the field is rapidly evolving. In the 80s all the nuerodiverse were labelled ADD/ADHD but many were mis diagnosed. Some time after that Aspberger's came into the lexicon, but really Aspberger's is now understood as verbal, often highly intelligent, high functioning autism. My husband has it. He misses social cues, masks & gaslights to try to cloak his condition, but it is fairly obvious if you know what to look for.

If people miss the hallmarks of his condition (which he actively tries to hide) he comes off as rude, arrogant, essentially an ass hole. He can be obtuse and difficult and does not always grasp that his behavior is off-putting to others. This affects all areas of his life (at work, in relationships with others, in his sporting community, at school in the past) and these markers have been present since childhood.

Girls would always approach him & make it easy for him because he is extremely attractive, so he learned a lot about women due to sheer exposure, but struggled to maintain relationships throughout his life.

Only you know your personal history well enough to know if you have been percieved by others as "different" over your lifetime. Only you therefore can ascertain whether a conversation with a well qualified psych professional might be worthwhile.

 

[Pumax]

This shows your lack of awareness and knowledge of female nature.

Girls would always approach him & make it easy for him because he is extremely attractive, so he learned a lot about women due to sheer exposure, but struggled to maintain relationships throughout his life.

Really curious how you started, how you declared your interests, also, is that diffult for a woman to be in a relationship with a man who miss cues/hints?

 

[BeExcellent]

Really curious how you started, how you declared your interests, also, is that diffult for a woman to be in a relationship with a man who miss cues/hints?

Yes, it can be difficult. It requires tremendous patience from me. Oddly enough I am very fortunate to know (and she is one of my best friends now) an ex girlfriend of his. She is a PsychD. Early on when we were dating he would always talk about his "best friend" so I knew they were close....I didn't know initially that they had dated for over a year until he brought her along to one of our dates, and I didn't know she was coming beforehand either, lol.

That is not a socially attenuated thing to do (invite an ex to meet your new flame).....

Most women in my shoes would have freaked out. I was open minded largely because I have had a number of very close male friends over the years so the concept of opposite sex friendships was familiar to me.....

At any rate, I really liked this woman. She is smart, funny, sexy, creative & she understood him really well. At one point (later on after we had gotten to know one another), given her background, I asked if she thought he was on the spectrum (I had wondered this since day 1)....and she laughed and said "1000%! Absolutely!"

She was a bridemaid in our wedding. She helped me really grasp his alternative operating system, and she helped me understand that he's built this way, and that is not going to change....EVER. Some of his behaviors (terrific social anxiety being one), would have broken the relationship had she not been a resource and a friend I could lean on literally anytime. Like 2am anytime.

So my being cool about him bringing her along unexpectedly on an early date has been an enormous benefit. Now, she and I are really close girlfriends and she is less close with him, which happened organically over time as a natural consequence of my relationship with my husband developing....but we took her out for Easter brunch last weekend with our family (she *just* lost her dad a couple weeks ago & her whole family lives several states away)...and we had a fun time.

All that to say I had the benefit of this friend to support the development of our relationship, so that's an unusual & unique situation.

But over time I have learned how to read him, how to see if social anxiety is rising, how to help him understand nuance & tact in interpersonal communication, how not to take so many things literally. And I can consult with her too if needed.

He is not the only nuerodiverse man in a committed relationship or marriage. There are many men who are similar to my husband insofar as his way of being in the world is concerned, and there are books & resources out there to help couples navigate these differences if only a couple has the awareness of the issue.

I accept him as he is. He knows that. I appreciate & celebrate the things that make him uniquely himself. I counsel him when he's out of line, I at times must hold very firm boundaries. He loves me deeply and with a purity of heart that is refreshing, intense, sweet, and rare. I love his heart. He knows this. Yes he's sexy & handsome and all that stuff, but I love what's inside the physical container.

I used to chat with Guru1000 from time to time. He has met my husband by phone, and I had asked his advice later on about some things. One thought he had has stuck with me. He said, you know BE, you understand men pretty well, and you are pretty emotionally stable & insightful. He needs you more than he realizes and there is an opportunity here if you can navigate his behavioral profile gracefully. He's never felt fully seen because his looks get in the way, and he knows looks are not the end all be all in a woman. If he falls he will fall hard and for good. And it won't be easy, but it might really be worth it.

That thought has been remarkably accurate.

But it is certainly doable OP. The right woman will look deeper than missed social cues, but you will still have to begin & lead the interaction.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Now. My observation of @Pumax based on his content around here (and his avatar too) is that he is an analytical man, introverted, and not terribly aware in a social sense....e.g., does not read the room well in a social setting.

My guess is that he may be nuerodiverse of some variety. Many nuerodiverse individuals struggle with social awareness and interaction and picking up social cues. So I'd recommend OP explore that as a possible reason this dynamic keeps happening. If that has merit he can evaluate different ways to learn and improve where he has social blindspots.

I know that everyone is an armchair psychologist nowadays but it's still quite a reach to assume that the OP is "neurodivergent" just because he seems analytical and introverted. Introverts make up 50% of the population. Does that mean that every other person is neurodivergent?

 

[BeExcellent]

I know that everyone is an armchair psychologist nowadays but it's still quite a reach to assume that the OP is "neurodivergent" just because he seems analytical and introverted. Introverts make up 50% of the population. Does that mean that every other person is neurodivergent?

That's for him to think about. That's why I asked him to consider it based on his own life circumstances & if he truly thinks that is a possibility, then go get a consult with a professional. Many nuerodivergent folks are not self aware enough to realize. Others may know but not disclose.

Nobody is diagnosing him. Not me or anyone else. Don't be silly.