Can I recover from this? Co-worker plate

[The Duke]

Well this is my fear of what may be going on here. Enjoying the attention, but when reality hits a bit (i.e. my indirect invite here) the convo dries up or in this specific case just kind of stops. I understand and admit that if I was looking to seal a deal I needed to be more direct, but I stand by my feelings in that if she was truly into it and wanting to go to the bar and watch a sunset with me, she would have at least wrote back something.

So why not find out and remove all doubt? You have nothing to lose.

Women appreciate men who go after what they want. I've seen them start glowing and their panties getting moist when I learned thats what is needed.

Risk takers get rewarded. You miss every shot you don't take.

 

[JST8828]

You have nothing to lose.

In most cases, yes, I'd agree. But here, as I mentioned, not only is this a co-worker, but she's a bit out there as well. Overtly chatty/gossipy, etc. It's a tough spot because who knows, maybe she'll say yes, but then maybe she says no and I end up being that guy who got rejected at work, or worse, was "so into" or "obsessed" with her and everyone knows about it because she's trying to score status points as an attention wh0re.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Tbh I really don't care about it like that or have any bad feelings or pits in my stomach. It was pretty much just a comment in my view, letting her know that an offer is on table if she wants to go. Could she have written back? Absolutely she could have. But she didn't bc she clearly wasn't that serious about doing what she implied she wanted to do in the first place. The more I think about it the more I don't view what I did as a failure. I sent out a "tester" of sorts and got my answer. As far as I'm concerned the next time I see her it will be business as usual, basic chatter. If she happens to be extra chatty or a bit flirty, then maybe I'll mention something about the rooftop bar again, but overall I'm def not losing sleep over this all.

I understand that. I was just explaining the perspective of people who are against dating at work, their reasoning and a way for people to empathize with it by using your situation as an example. Either way, it really comes down to your own judgment and how much risk you’re willing to take.

 

[BaronOfHair]

But you SHOULD think ahead of things and be wary about potentially killing your career over a woman you say you don't even feel that much...

Paraphrase a very sharp observer:


One reaches a certain age in which he realizes that manhood isn't predicated only on strength and respect... Becoming cognizant of the moves you make + Their likely outcomes is vital

Refusing to doing so is characteristic of a child, not a man

 

[Gamisch]

Paraphrase a very sharp observer:


One reaches a certain age in which he realizes that manhood isn't predicated only on strength and respect... Becoming cognizant of the moves you make + Their likely outcomes is vital

Refusing to doing so is characteristic of a child, not a man

Maybe it's just me but I see more and more men " wondering " what to do about a female colleagues they like.

I think these men want old-school romance in a modern world.

The women they want DO live in the modern world( just OLD as an example) while they simultaneously benefit from men wanting old-school ****e. Men want traditions, women...mweh...sometimes they will sometimes they won't. Not necessarily...

They irony is that once a man actually creates a personal LAW that prohibits him from shyting where he eats he might get the edge over those woman ,that edge he's been looking for so long...same can apply to the gym even tho the gym is much more fair game. If you want to chase women there's a place and time for that. If you do it at the wrong place you already broadcast you have zero going on, and you lack any kind of social suave to make ****e happen for yourself.

It's like a homeless guy trying to GIVE a dollar to a millionaire. Completely bogus and backwards. She can get d1ck bruh..and she WILL throw you under the bus if needed.

 

[BaronOfHair]

@Gamisch "Maybe it's just me but I see more and more men " wondering " what to do about a female colleagues they like"

Patrice O'Neal wasn't being entirely facetious, when he remarked that putting men and women together in the same office is the equivalent of making grizzly bears and catfish share space with another

"I think these men want old-school romance in a modern world"

On a more serious note... It's long been documented that flings between colleagues all too often = Personal drama being injected in our professional lives. Keeping the two seperate is thus wise

 

[justaroundthecorner]

OP should just look for some other opportunities (e.g. through online dating) wtf with sudden interest in coworker since almost 4 years anyway?

Go find more women OP, life is too short for slug-pick up tactic launched under HR department crosshairs.

 

[JST8828]

Update: We had a run in at work today and it went super well. Even a little flirtation from her. I took this as my opportunity to make a move. So a couple of hours after work I texted her asking her out for next week saying I'll make a reservation. She responds saying simply "What time?" followed by another text where she goes into how she just "needs to confirm" which day she is going out for her girlfriend for her birthday". I told her what time and that was that. Ball in her court now.

I'm curious what everyone thinks of the responses she gave. I'm viewing it as an overall positive with some insurance on her part with the "need to confirm" incase she decides against going. I still don't understand why women need to always play that type of game, casting doubt on the date, or whatever you want to call it. I hate feeling like a prop where this date is "pending" whether or not she's going out with someone else instead, even though I feel that entire thing is bogus anyway. Whats everyone else feel? Thanks in advance

 

[Bingo-Player]

Is it fair to say that if this chick was definitely into me and down to go out, that she'd write something back? In any event, I'm stuck wondering if I can recover from this anyway, as I would kind of like to go out with her at least once and see where things went.

I think she's likely enjoying toying with you as it makes the workday a little less mundane

I read the post and I couldn't see a single indication she was ever taking this as seriously as you seem to have been , I think you've romanticised something out of nothing

The no response to your vague offer , indicates shes saving you both the embarrassment of it going any further.

To be honest at this point I'd be putting as much distance as I possibly could given the circumstances , kill the wannabe Loverboy persona and switch back to a strictly professional tone

No more texting outside of work hours either , its unnecessary

 

[BPH]

How old are you? You mentioned she's 31, but the way you're behaving seems like you're the less mature one here.

Anyway...

I took this as my opportunity to make a move.

So a couple of hours after work I texted her asking her out for next week saying I'll make a reservation.

This is not making a move. This is you not having the balls to ask her out in person, which is why you did it several hours later from behind a phone screen...

You're also asking her out for next week? Why not this week? Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are all prime drinking/relaxation days when the work week begins to taper off.

Whats everyone else feel?

For context, I've only read your original post and this reply. That said, you strike me as somebody who is committed to making their mistake, despite multiple people advising you otherwise.

What I would do:

Not try to sleep with women who I've been sharing the same workplace with for the past 3 and 1/2 years without the balls to make a move. If you're really hell-bent on getting THIS particular woman, I would start seeing other women outside of the workplace. Fill your schedule with other women. Lose interest in her. She'll wonder why she no longer has your attention, and if she's interested, she'll try to get it back. If that happens, you have to lead: pick a date, pick a place, pick a time. If she gives you some excuse without suggesting an alternative, I would forget about her completely.

What you'll probably do:

Text her again after not getting a confirmation of your date time and/or bringing it up the next time you see her at work, coming across as desperate. She'll probably agree out of politeness, but as the date approaches, she'll probably flake, but give you a convincing excuse, or promise to make it up to you the week after, then the week after that, and will continue to move that goalpost indefinitely.

The way she responds in your conversation about the rooftop bar sounds like she's more interested in having that experience, and less about having that experience with YOU. I do not think she is interested.

But hey, you'll probably have to learn that on your own. Too many people have already tried to steer you in the right direction, but you seem intent on crashing.

 

[JST8828]

For context, I've only read your original post and this reply. That said, you strike me as somebody who is committed to making their mistake, despite multiple people advising you otherwise.

What I would do:

Not try to sleep with women who I've been sharing the same workplace with for the past 3 and 1/2 years without the balls to make a move. If you're really hell-bent on getting THIS particular woman, I would start seeing other women outside of the workplace. Fill your schedule with other women. Lose interest in her. She'll wonder why she no longer has your attention, and if she's interested, she'll try to get it back. If that happens, you have to lead: pick a date, pick a place, pick a time. If she gives you some excuse without suggesting an alternative, I would forget about her completely.

What you'll probably do:

Text her again after not getting a confirmation of your date time and/or bringing it up the next time you see her at work, coming across as desperate. She'll probably agree out of politeness, but as the date approaches, she'll probably flake, but give you a convincing excuse, or promise to make it up to you the week after, then the week after that, and will continue to move that goalpost indefinitely.

The way she responds in your conversation about the rooftop bar sounds like she's more interested in having that experience, and less about having that experience with YOU. I do not think she is interested.

But hey, you'll probably have to learn that on your own. Too many people have already tried to steer you in the right direction, but you seem intent on crashing.

Wow, tough crowd. Thanks for the optimism. For the record, I'm not going to text her again asking for a confirmation and I tend to disagree strongly with your implication that this woman would actually go out just to see the rooftop bar she likes with a co-worker (bigger decision than going somewhere with a random from a dating app) with basically zero interest in me. Women don't do that, especially women at work imo. If she wanted to go to the bar and didn't have any interest in me, she'd find a way to decline and would go with a friend. You also don't know the details of our every interaction but are making it seem like you do. I sense interest. Today for example she was a little late in coming back to the office (had a site visit of sorts where she had to get some paperwork for me) and I said I've been waiting for ya and she responded "Waiting for me or waiting for the documents?". I said "Little bit of both". She then smiled before we continued conversation locking eyes quite a bit.

I'm just not sure why you believe I've done no good here. Seems like you're just incredibly anti-co worker dating which is fine and understandable to a degree, but this is it, this is what I'm involved in, and I've asked her out. If she flakes I genuinely will not care. Slight disappointment, but nothing I'd lose even a minute of sleep over.

 

[JST8828]

I think she's likely enjoying toying with you as it makes the workday a little less mundane

I read the post and I couldn't see a single indication she was ever taking this as seriously as you seem to have been , I think you've romanticised something out of nothing

Anything is possible, but she's also mature and bold enough to where if she had no romantic interest in me, I truly believe she wouldn't have a problem finding a way to tell me no in that text.

 

[BPH]

Wow, tough crowd. Thanks for the optimism. For the record, I'm not going to text her again asking for a confirmation and I tend to disagree strongly with your implication that this woman would actually go out just to see the rooftop bar she likes with a co-worker (clearly date vibes) with basically zero interest in me. Women don't do that, especially women at work imo. If she wanted to go to the bar and didn't have any interest in me, she'd find a way to decline and would go with a friend. You also don't know the details of our every interaction but are making it seem like you do. I sense interest. Today for example she was a little late in coming back to the office (had a site visit of sorts where she had to get some paperwork for me) and I said I've been waiting for ya and she responded "Waiting for me or waiting the documents?". I said "Little bit of both". She then smiled before we continued conversation locking eyes quite a bit.

I'm just not sure why you believe I've done no good here. Seems like you're just incredibly anti-co worker dating which is fine and understandable to a degree, but this is it, this is what I'm involved in, and I've asked her out. If she flakes I genuinely will not care. Slight disappointment, but nothing I'd lose even a minute of sleep over.

I know the details of your interactions because I've been doing this a long time, and I've been here a long time...

Everybody thinks their situation is unique. It is not.

She says "Yes I want to try that place". I tell her "Once you get promoted "... She sends an emoji of a cat shrugging followed by saying "What if that doesnt happen? I cant wait ((laughing emoji))

At that point I tell her we should be patient and positive. She says "I'd rather go to a beautiful rooftop bar and enjoy a nice sunset, then I'll be positive haha"

Read what you wrote. EVERYTHING she said is about the ROOFTOP BAR. Meanwhile, NOTHING is about wanting to spend time with YOU.

No "I'd love to go there with you". No "We should do that". It's all about her wanting to have this experience with whatever chump can provide it.

You have been playing it coy with this woman for more than 3 years, by your own admission. Based on that, I'd also assume that you are neither sleeping with nor talking to other women during this time - you are fixated solely on her. She knows that, and simply enjoys the attention. Her comments to you are POLITE, not FLIRTY.

The reason we are all anti-co-worker, especially in your case, is because if your interest is misinterpreted as harassment, you will lose your livelihood over a woman you yourself said you're not "100% into".

And similar to your situation, not being unique, the perspective you're taking on this is not unique either.

Plenty of members will ask for advice, but only really want the answer that they're looking for. They will then continue on their path towards making that mistake, make it, and likely leave the forum because they decided that this space "doesn't give good advice". Some come back after an absence, others don't.

 

[JST8828]

Plenty of members will ask for advice, but only really want the answer that they're looking for. They will then continue on their path towards making that mistake, make it, and likely leave the forum because they decided that this space "doesn't give good advice". Some come back after an absence, others don't.

So ultimately your advice is what then, completely forget about her, period? Not sure what else I can say. I'm not fixated in this woman at ALL even though parts of my post may have seemed like I am. You are right to think there's a good chance that she's really not that into me, but there's still co-workers element to this where she, like myself, could be trying to play it very cool and be very careful.

No "I'd love to go there with you". No "We should do that". It's all about her wanting to have this experience with whatever chump can provide it.

It's possible she's just an attention wh0re. Not doubting that completely. But based on what I feel in my gut, I'd lean towards that not being the case and it's more about her just being careful, like me. She was never going to write lines like "I'd love to go there with you". She just wasn't. We didn't have that kind of relationship or progression, at least not yet. It's been over 3 years but really nothing really truly started until only a few weeks ago.

 

[BPH]

So ultimately your advice is what then, completely forget about her, period?

This is my advice:

Fill your schedule with other women. Lose interest in her. She'll wonder why she no longer has your attention, and if she's interested, she'll try to get it back. If that happens, you have to lead: pick a date, pick a place, pick a time. If she gives you some excuse without suggesting an alternative, I would forget about her completely.

You are suffering from a lack of options, so get some. See if not receiving your attention leads to her wanting to be one of those options.

You live in Bergen County, NJ? You can definitely meet women outside of work...one of my exes was from Hawthorne, another from Pennsauken, you've got Wildwood, and I've had a LOT of good times in Atlantic City.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Update: We had a run in at work today and it went super well. Even a little flirtation from her. I took this as my opportunity to make a move. So a couple of hours after work I texted her asking her out for next week saying I'll make a reservation. She responds saying simply "What time?" followed by another text where she goes into how she just "needs to confirm" which day she is going out for her girlfriend for her birthday". I told her what time and that was that. Ball in her court now.

I'm curious what everyone thinks of the responses she gave. I'm viewing it as an overall positive with some insurance on her part with the "need to confirm" incase she decides against going. I still don't understand why women need to always play that type of game, casting doubt on the date, or whatever you want to call it. I hate feeling like a prop where this date is "pending" whether or not she's going out with someone else instead, even though I feel that entire thing is bogus anyway. Whats everyone else feel? Thanks in advance

Reservation for what? For drinks?

It's called she is seeing if anything better comes along first.

 

[SmoothHendrixPS2]

This mf don't listen to nobody lol

 

[Bingo-Player]

Anything is possible, but she's also mature and bold enough to where if she had no romantic interest in me, I truly believe she wouldn't have a problem finding a way to tell me no in that text.

Romantic interest is not something which appears by default just because you spend a lot of time together

In a work environment its very very easy to become too familiar with one another and forget you're still in a very rigid environment

Like I said I think this chick is enjoying the catch-me-if you-can. as women do enjoy attention and seeing how far they can push a guy to pursue like I said its also probably making the day / week less boring for her.

She probably is taking pipe elsewhere as it certainly does not appear as though you are high on her priority list