Can I recover from this? Co-worker plate

[JST8828]

Known her for 3.5 years and only sporadically would text over work issues while sharing a few other laughs here and there. Hardly ever anything else. In fact, whenever I'd try and get a bit personal, she'd basically be nonresponsive. There was even one time when we were having lunch together and we spoke about online dating. I showed her my profile asking what she thought, then asked her "So if we didn't work together you'd swipe right on me then?" to which she just laughed and moved on to another topic. Bottom line is there was NEVER any indication that this woman liked me until only just very very recently. Really, I kind of chalked her up as nothing more than an attention wh0re at times. She is 31 fyi. Last few weeks however and suddenly there's been more texting from her and its now gone to more personal type of levels. Asking what I'm doing for my vacation, asking where I'm working for the day (I have a schedule that sends me all over). She's in the same department but in another area. We see each other once every few weeks. About a week ago she saw me and we had a lengthy in person convo that went a tad flirty for the first time. One of the topics was me telling her about a great rooftop bar in the city we should check out. She responded casually but positively.

Today she texts me, which again, has been happening more frequently and it seems she just looks for ways to text me as what she wrote was about work but it also wasn't very important either. A year ago or even a few months ago she NEVER would have wrote to me what she did. I follow up by asking about her bar plans with a friend from last week that she previously mentioned to me and she responds positively shared me photos and everything. I tell her next up- (bar name I told her about a week prior). She says "Yes I want to try that place". I tell her "Once you get promoted "... She sends an emoji of a cat shrugging followed by saying "What if that doesnt happen? I cant wait ((laughing emoji))

At that point I tell her we should be patient and positive. She says "I'd rather go to a beautiful rooftop bar and enjoy a nice sunset, then I'll be positive haha"

Next came the moment where my conscience and nerves came into play as it has other times over the years with co-workers. I like this chick, but I'm also not 100% into her, and also don't fully trust her either. She's quite gossipy at work, acts quite immature at times, and finally, well, we WORK together, often very closely. I made a conscious decision to indirectly ask her out to see what she'd respond with first, and then sort of go from there. I wrote "Well then, the offer is on the table and I agree, rooftop sunsets are awesome"

This is where the conversation ended.

Now I'm not going to cry myself to sleep tonight over not taking the green light as I know that if I truly liked her, I would have asked her out flat out, but I just couldn't do it. Only asked out ONE other woman at work in my life and am not a fan of doing this kind of thing. At the same time, if I could do it all over again, I'm thinking maybe I should have just gone for it. I know my response was weak (for all the obvious reasons) but I'm also a bit surprised at the no response. Is it fair to say that if this chick was definitely into me and down to go out, that she'd write something back? In any event, I'm stuck wondering if I can recover from this anyway, as I would kind of like to go out with her at least once and see where things went.

 

[Smartone84]

Her previous behavior towards you really doesn't matter at all imo. She sent texts almost asking you to ask her out and you dropped the ball. Your concerns about sh-tting where you eat are very valid, especially if she's a bit out there. It's all fun and games until you guys have a bit of a falling out and its total awkwardness at work, or worse, she gives HR a call. But end of the day if you were interested the opportunity seemed to be there. Maybe deep down you were never serious about her. Still think it should be somewhat salvageable if you play it right and are aggressive in making plans in your next interaction. If she was legit into you and into the bar she should still go.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

The only way to recover from this is to approach women outside of your workplace.

 

[BaronOfHair]

There's no "recovering" from an affair with a collegue. Thus, the admonition "Never dip your pen in the company ink", which predates MeToo by several decades

 

[Clockwerk50]

1. Plates are women you have had sex with and who are in your rotation. You haven’t had sex with this woman, and she is not in your rotation; therefore, she is not a plate.

2. Dating at work is tricky since both parties are trying to vet whether the other person is trustworthy and non-problematic. There is a reason she would hesitate to continue after an indirect invite, and a reason why you gave one. It’s hard to judge people’s romantic interests in this environment, and there can be serious consequences if you mistakenly misread signals or act too aggressively.

3. You’re overanalyzing this and, honestly, coming off a bit butthurt. Nothing actually “happened” here. The convo just lost momentum. Act normal, don’t switch up your behavior, and don’t make it weird. You both left it in a safe place.

4. You are still in the coworker friend zone. If you really want to get out of it, next time you talk to her (or even over text), say something like, “Hey, are you still down to check out that rooftop place this week?” I know some people are against dating at work, and some direct methods can be risky, but again, it’s up to your judgment.

5. The way I operate at work, and from what I’ve experienced, is that women who want you often drop hints like “You never come see me,” “When are you going to come by?” or “We never hang out outside of here.” I’m not sure if this happened in your case, since I’m not re-reading your post, but it has happened to me with women I’ve slept with. I also usually start with something low-key, like a work lunch, instead of jumping straight to something like what you offered.

6. Lastly, for what it’s worth, my first post here was about a married Persian woman I was trying to pursue at work. Her reaction was similar to this girl’s before she started texting you actively. Every time I made a joke or talked about something personal, she would respond with something like “I see” and remain indifferent. Basically, she was committed to someone else. In your case, this girl might also have been with someone else, but since she started to actively text you, she might still be with this guy but things are rocky, she could be looking for attention, or she might be back on the market and you could be worth exploring—or not.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Meh...sounds like you are heading for an HR case if you keep going.

 

[Prepostereax]

Really, I kind of chalked her up as nothing more than an attention wh0re at times

You answered your own question right here

 

[Gamisch]

But how do you picture " recovery "?

If you spend enough time with a woman, there might always be a moment when she has a moment of weakness and might feel something for you. Hence why men hate dealing with women with male friends.

Other than that; don't shyte where you eat. All I can think about is the potential fall out. And believe me: you'll never know how bad said fall out can be...love and hate are very closely related..and a woman's scorne is like nothing else.
.
You COULD simply wait for another moment that the window of opportunity opens up again and now you know she might like you, you can even push it.

But you SHOULD think ahead of things and be wary about potentially killing your career over a woman you say you don't even feel that much...

Put her in the eternal friend zone and let it rest. Chase other women ,forget about her

 

[JST8828]

Thanks for all the replies. While yes on the surface and in general I was never super crazy 10/10 into this woman like I have been others in my life during initial chatting, I do feel like there was something there between us that I would have been interested in exploring. That said, I understand the work aspect of it all and how that can be risky, so to speak. At the same time though, can't we all admit that the reality is a LOT of people meet at work? I'm still very hesitant, no doubt, but I'm curious what everyone really thinks would happen in these worst case work romance scenarios?

Is it really as simple as guy meets girl, guy dates girl, guy and girl have falling out and break up, girl now feels super uncomfortable and calls HR explaining that she can no longer be around guy, maybe even making up a couple of lies about how guy treats or treated her, company lets guy go? We are in a union job and nobody ever really gets fired unless they steal something, but there could absolutely still be some form of trouble if she or any girl for that matter went to HR.

For the record this woman has 3.5 years with the company and is actually a bit of a problem employee, always taking off sick, involved in a couple other issues. Meanwhile I have 15 years with them and have a flawless record.

 

[Prepostereax]

True, there's lots of work environs where fkcing*, dating or marrying a co-worker is no big deal
(*provided this doesn't occur during work hours)

Keep any romance outside of work.
This means no verbal or written flirting.
Meaningful glances at most.
The best way to connect is outside the workplace.

For the record this woman has 3.5 years with the company and is actually a bit of a problem employee, always taking off sick, involved in a couple other issues. Meanwhile I have 15 years with them and have a flawless record.

You have status in your workplace, and she has the opposite.. she gets "points" from your validation.
She is, in your words, an attention wh0re.
I don't see her recent interest in you as going anywhere to your benefit, and I'm doubtful that she actually wants anything serious with you.

The only way to be sure is for either of you to remove ambiguity*, which is usually the guy's job, something that is best done outside work.
Your offer of the rooftop bar is fine.
That she didn't take it, implies she's wanting more from you, shows incredibly low interest.

Sometimes the woman won't wait for an outside opportunity, ie there won't be one unless she initiates something.
Yeah, I've had co-workers, clients and contacts escalate on me, to the point where the message is clear.
*(a woman isn't likely to outright declare interest, it will still be plausibly deniable, but the context will make it difficult to interpret otherwise)

Speaking as someone who's had a number of workplace relationships
From FWB's (do-able so long as you're both discreet)
to gf's (can be messy when the relationship dissolves)
to wife (contact time before asking her out measured in hours, but I did meet her through work)

 

[JST8828]

Your offer of the rooftop bar is fine.
That she didn't take it, implies she's wanting more from you, shows incredibly low interest

I don’t understand this take. That she didn’t take it implies she’s wanting more from me?

 

[The Duke]

You two are both indirect communicators and thats why this has gone no where. Someone has to stop being indirect and lead, usually thats the man.

You aren't 100% into her, you don't trust her, you think she gossip's too much, is too immature, and you work together YET after all this you want to ask her out? What for?

 

[Travel memoir21]

31 years old eh? Let's do a little DJ Math:

At age 18 she had her first bang, then 20s a few relationships and One night stands and flings. This goes on throughout her late 20s then bling bling, her biological clock is ticking and you come along as a potential white knight who will provide her the suburban dream of the nice house and white picket fence with kids and puppy lol. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with this, I deal with these types of chicks who rode the carousel all the time in my Tinder here in South East Asia. All I can say is becareful mate, and definitely evaluate your options.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Thanks for all the replies. While yes on the surface and in general I was never super crazy 10/10 into this woman like I have been others in my life during initial chatting, I do feel like there was something there between us that I would have been interested in exploring. That said, I understand the work aspect of it all and how that can be risky, so to speak. At the same time though, can't we all admit that the reality is a LOT of people meet at work? I'm still very hesitant, no doubt, but I'm curious what everyone really thinks would happen in these worst case work romance scenarios?

Is it really as simple as guy meets girl, guy dates girl, guy and girl have falling out and break up, girl now feels super uncomfortable and calls HR explaining that she can no longer be around guy, maybe even making up a couple of lies about how guy treats or treated her, company lets guy go? We are in a union job and nobody ever really gets fired unless they steal something, but there could absolutely still be some form of trouble if she or any girl for that matter went to HR.

For the record this woman has 3.5 years with the company and is actually a bit of a problem employee, always taking off sick, involved in a couple other issues. Meanwhile I have 15 years with them and have a flawless record.

I think the HR thing is far-fetched and a bit extreme. If both of you are consensual, responsible adults with dating experience, things should be okay even if the relationship ends. There’s also the likelihood that her career could be impacted if she “rocks the boat” with HR and her superiors. If you were a physical abuser, she would go to the police before going to HR.

I mean, if are touching people inappropriately, saying/joking inappropriate things, having a reputation as a creepy guy who can’t understand social cues, make women and men feel unsafe or scared, keep making unwelcome advances, or being difficult to work with, you’re going to offend people regardless of gender in the workplace. As an example, I am on a fragrance group on Facebook and people complain they get called to HR because they put too much cologne.

I think the main reason it’s frowned upon is the day-to-day reality. You still have to be at work. If things end or don’t go as planned, you’re stuck seeing each other regularly. It’s like the feeling you got after you sent the indirect invite and were left on read, but amplified, and now it’s part of your daily environment.

 

[Barrister]

Always trust your gut. It’s telling you there’s a latent problem with this woman. Move on and go for a chick that isn’t going to become a problem down the line. Bad enough she’s a gossiper. A gossiper at work who you have a falling out with wouldn’t be fun.

 

[JST8828]

It’s like the feeling you got after you sent the indirect invite and were left on read, but amplified, and now it’s part of your daily environment.

Tbh I really don't care about it like that or have any bad feelings or pits in my stomach. It was pretty much just a comment in my view, letting her know that an offer is on table if she wants to go. Could she have written back? Absolutely she could have. But she didn't bc she clearly wasn't that serious about doing what she implied she wanted to do in the first place. The more I think about it the more I don't view what I did as a failure. I sent out a "tester" of sorts and got my answer. As far as I'm concerned the next time I see her it will be business as usual, basic chatter. If she happens to be extra chatty or a bit flirty, then maybe I'll mention something about the rooftop bar again, but overall I'm def not losing sleep over this all.

 

[The Duke]

I sent out a "tester" of sorts and got my answer.

Tester's don't get women. Playing it safe is a feminine trait.

 

[JST8828]

Tester's don't get women. Playing it safe is a feminine trait.

I can see that, but at the same time isn't it safe to say that her going completely silent showed something on her end with regards to not being all that interested after all?

Regardless, if I may ask, what do you suggest my next move be?

 

[The Duke]

Well then, if I may ask, what do you suggest my next move be?

Next time she puts "feelers" out and starts showing subtle interest, you send her a picture of a pretty sunset and say "I'm free this weekend, let's get some drinks at XYZ Rooftop bar and watch the sun go down. Does 6pm Saturday work for you?

This forces her to schit or get off the pot. Communicating this way makes your romantic intentions clear as far as women go. Anything other than a yes, or her suggesting a different time will indicate she is wasting your time. If that's the case then you get your answer.

I once had a girl in my social circle that I had good chemistry with. We always ended up on the dance floor together. She had a long term boyfriend that wasn't giving her everything she needed. She would make subtle flirtations with me, act shy at times. She always made it a point to say hi before I would. Her body language on the dance floor told me she was highly interested. So after several months of letting this thing simmer I end up walking her back to her apartment after a night of drinks and dancing with our social group. I am standing at her door and kiss her hand and she walks me in but at the last second decides I need to go.

A few months go by after not seeing each other and we reconnect on the dance floor. This time she asks me where I had been. I'm like wtf do you mean? lol. I told her "you had your chance and decided otherwise". She told me she felt like she really didn't know me.

All she wanted was a man to fill the void of what she wasn't getting from her boyfriend. He would never come out. He was terrified of dancing and highly introverted. So I filled the void. She played the flirting game just enough to dangle the carrot in front of me and keep me somewhat interested. But she never had any intentions of giving me the carrott. It wasn't until I got more direct and pushed the issue that I got my answer.

After you have built enough of a connection, you need to force their hand. Sex and attention are the currencies being traded. They only get so much attention from me without sex. It doesn't have to happen right away, but needs to be trending that way.

 

[JST8828]

So after several months of letting this thing simmer I end up walking her back to her apartment after a night of drinks and dancing with our social group. I am standing at her door and kiss her hand and she walks me in but at the last second decides I need to go.

A few months go by after not seeing each other and we reconnect on the dance floor. This time she asks me where I had been. I'm like wtf do you mean? lol. I told her "you had your chance and decided otherwise". She told me she felt like she really didn't know me.

All she wanted was a man to feel the void of what she wasn't getting from her boyfriend. He would never come out. He was terrified of dancing and highly introverted. So I filled the void. She played the flirting game just enough to dangle the carrot in front of me and keep me somewhat interested. But she never had any intentions of giving me the carrott. It wasn't until I got more direct and pushed the issue that I got my answer.

Well this is my fear of what may be going on here. Enjoying the attention, but when reality hits a bit (i.e. my indirect invite here) the convo dries up or in this specific case just kind of stops. I understand and admit that if I was looking to seal a deal I needed to be more direct, but I stand by my feelings in that if she was truly into it and wanting to go to the bar and watch a sunset with me, she would have at least wrote back something.